AUTHOR.CALHO: If I didn't write it, I would be hitch hiking cross country to Maine and then Alaska in that order. While taking frequent breaks to spread leaflets. And sit in diners. And write on things because I wasn't at a computer. I may still do that in a few years. Writing this also helps me forget about and better understand the limitations of being human, and keeps me busy enough to allow me no free time to burn the world down.

THEMATIC.ABOUT : Collapse often. The things that hold people together and hold them apart and scatter brains. The things that make thoughts go boom. The things that ooh and aah and [expletive deleted]. Sometimes poking around the margins where responsibility ends and the only one to look to is the Original Equipment Manufacturer and say "but, I already pressed 9 for more options and the menus are exactly the same. Can you just replace it?" The answer will be: "please hold." Sometimes hanging out in dark corners. Sometimes following the train tracks. Looking for ways out and ways in and all the while sharing the things seen and heard and done and drawn and written and scorched and healed and teased and caged and dreamed along the way.

6/20/10

totally, like, LEGIT legit



okay soooo whatve we gotten ourselves in 7 days of pure knuckle busting, cant-eat-now-cuz-im-so-close-to-getting-this-code-to-work, head banging, brain melting industriousness?

we've got a proto website to replace benegon.com and finally begin to close that chapter of debts owed... but also open the chapter on graphic/web dev resume. i do know that i dont want to do web development as a career. it strikes me as something that is basically what i just spent the last week doing except cycled through in one day all while trying to explain to mba why he shouldnt fire you but it doesnt really matter because you might as well be speaking sign language to a blind man. not that im biased against blind people. they are fine contributors to society.

you want to see it you say? you didnt say that you say? well okay then. i wont waste your time. buuut i will say this: penis penis penis vagina. hahahaha... okay it wasnt all that funny. in fact i didnt actually laugh. i usually do actually laugh, but not that time.

you know what else happened? ive realized that im never actualy going to make it back to school. isnt that ridiculous? but before you go invoking the raging spirit of the cosby let me just say that it has come to light that their idea was to not provide support for higher education at all. wish i'd known that 7 years ago. note to parents if youve not bothered to listen to anything before now, listen to this: dont push your kids to excel if youre not prepared to support them. all that bullshit about millions of dollars of scholarships for the taking is exactly that. a million dollars sends 10 kids to top tier schools. well whatever im not even going to go into it lest sir cosby punch me in the nuts while im on the john in some kruger-esque nightmare sequence.

basically ive realized that my abilities over reached the willingness to help and it doesnt matter how hard you drive the car, if there aint no bridge your ass is toast. unless you're driving a flying delorean and your family physician is one dr. emmitt brown. so if i did go to graduate school the same problems would recur and then i would be 200k in the hole instead of 100k. and i dont give a shit how much you love your job that you get with whatever degree. no amount of fun makes up for that much debt. so ive let the dream go. i dont even know if it was my dream to begin with. so once i do find work itll be off to technical school to learn to be a mechanic and spend my time around cars. cuz i do love cars. ive never shared that... havent i? maybe i did. or maybe we just had a moment.

so fuck school (not fuck learning... learning is good. academic pay to play institutions are bad) and fuck debt. all i really wanted to do was fix and modify and race cars. i dont want to be an engineer and design them. i dont care about the fucking calculus that goes into this and that component. i couldnt give two shits about the electrical engineering that makes a speaker work. sure cars are super computerized now, thats fine. that i can handle gladly if it means i get to work on the older cars too. but god damn it fuck school in the ass with a fist full of syringes brimming with hydrochloric acid.

and that right there is how you rant. did not mean to do that. we were doing so well too. what were we talking about... legitimate absences?

so yeah been away for a while but it was to work and while work i did thinking cuz i cant turn my brain off unless i bang my head really hard and even that is rarely satisfying. haha "even" as though it is supposed to be. i found bones in the backyard. ill probably never stop smoking. how about this? ill stop when life stops wailing on my junk harder than a speed bag at pacquiaos personal gym. youd think youd get used to the rhythm over the years, but i promise you, you dont. you just run out of words and expletives.

ohhhhh wait a minute. almost got away. thats what i was gonna do. i had to apologize to you. rss is happening tonight. im not going to sleep until i make it happen. either rss or direct linkage to the rest of the underverse. and thats when ill say "behold, yall!!!!"

///danger doom - "vats of urine" "for i am a rap god, from beyond the moon." one of many potent hilarious quotations available to your ears through the combination of mf dooms sometimes nonsensical lyrics and danger dooms sometimes nonsensical sampling.
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