Sunrise

Every time you wake up in the grip of the fall out of another meltdown or with your palm against the window of your cell and everything you thought was real ashed away or grown so thick all you can see and smell is wilderness and locked trees and you have no sense of how and where it came to now or the roads and rivers that lead to here, do not forget that it may very well have nothing to do with you or anything you did.

Can't control every fragment of your consciousness.  Following routine.  Everything you were supposed to do, you did.  Everything designed to help and guide and control and nudge and suggest.  The end results can have nothing to do with anything you did or did not do.  Absolutely nothing.  It will not change how or where you wake up.  Where or how the sunrise will find you.  It will.  And you will.  And you must not hate yourself or blame yourself no matter how badly you want to and no matter how badly your nature tells you someone has to pay for all that is wrong.  Someone has to pay for this upside down world.  And that someone is you.  It isn't.

You cannot control every fragment of your consciousness.  Let the sun rise on a world rearranged over the course of one night, after you fought and rebuilt all that was misplaced and felled in the weeks before by the weeks before that when you believed "this time it is going to last, I know it, I can feel it," and start again.  It may stick this time.  It may not.  Do not fear that world.  Do not tear your eyes away and bury them in your hands.  Start again.  It's okay.  You did everything you could.  Now try to do it again...

The Best Thing

and most frightening thing about having a kitten is that you sometimes cannot tell if they are dead or simply sleeping.  The kick thrash of panic when they do not stir after you kiss them and put your ear on their belly to listen to them digesting and they do not wake is blown hard and wild by the whip crack of relief when they open their eyes, take a wide yawn, knead the bedsheets like they're rolling dough about to make "biscuits and gravy" and go back to sleep.

Who Are You?

Do you ever make food and stare at it on the plate until your hunger fades and then throw it out?

That Instant

you realize having no secrets means you have no private parts too and nothing goes or comes around if you have no privates.

That Instant

you are not a mad dog about anything, but you want to bite down as hard as you can until your teeth break or push against something until your muscular-skeletal system fails.  When you want to taste it and get it all inside your nasal cavities via burst vessels and you know the only reasonable path is sitting still.

Dear (_____)

Do you really want someone else walking around the joint, farting the place up, and leaving crumbs on your coffee table?

Yeah, sometimes.

Then I wake up wedged between two cats and I think one more body in this bed and we're all going to be fighting to the death before sunrise.

Taking turns watching each other sleep, the other lying awake wondering if they should wake the other up and chit chat until they can fall asleep too.

That sounds terrible and romantic and just awful and just lovely.

Aside from time itself, sleep is one of the most valuable components to life.

The farting and crumbs and bed pile I could grow accustomed to- maybe -with occasional bursts of "what is wrong with you!"s.

The sleeping I don't think I would ever get used to.

Assimilation

It is a good thing.  If I ask you about something I may be trying to learn how to talk about or use your way or style to help me define my own.  With respect to citizenry and excellence and capturing the ability to pass on and spread worthwhile attributes.  Through assimilation I can help myself at a much faster rate than rote learning.  It is envy only because I cannot snap my fingers and erase every other human being on this planet.  Call it envy if that helps you sleep at night [it isn't].  Assimilation also lets me acquire skills and abilities that are already spread and common knowledge, abilities and behaviors necessary and very valuable in the advancement of coexistence.  If I am mimicking you it is because repetition assists in memorization and modification.

That Instant

you get your pillows out of the dryer and, while they smell great, they are all now shaped like giant freezer bag chicken nuggets.

That Instant

you learn that it is possible to paint glass shards into the fabric of your jeans if you do not use mineral spirits correctly.

Dear (_____)

Dear Karen,

I have been seeing another woman.  Aja is pretty great.  Kinda like Janis, without the baggage.   I know we went over the protocol for these sorts of things and I should have said something sooner because we cannot play well together, a one ride kind of gal and, frankly, there's no rejoinder to it.  I hope we can ... what am I saying, I've already packed my bags to come home.  I'll see you in a few days.You know I am fooling no one.

xoxo,

fanboy