play is being reviewed 12/06/07

Subject : play is being reviewed
Posted Date: : Dec 6, 2007 8:47 PM

so i slept on the floor this thanksgiving and watched my dad verbally abuse my mother for almost half an hour while everyone including myself laughed awkwardly. that about sizes up thanksgiving for me. its not that i hate my relatives, its that they dont really feel like theyre related to me in anyway besides blood. but all that aside it was nice to see my brother, surprisingly nice. i hope he moves away from nyc soon. nyc turns people into d-bags with no perspective. not that im a d-bag with no perspective but i feel like im far enough away from my own set to be able to know the difference.

but anwyay... im shifting again. and this time im not getting forced out. im leaving myspace for a new project ill be undertaking with illkahn, the one and only, jieren chen. hopefully itll flourish and stimulate more than my own prattlings ons.

as a final word about school... im almost there. i can almost taste victory.... just a week and one more semester and the great out there will become my life. my dreams will start to fall from the sky and turn into my realities and hopefully they'll still strike me as believable, tangible, and worth holding in every way ive imagined them to be. wish me luck, or dont. i dont need luck... all i need is my blackness, my beard, my dreads, and my will to make it happen. hopefully... i might need pepper spray and a shiv too. and gps. and a nasa blanket in case i end up stranded on an island. and a bullet proof vest... just in case. and a lighter. i mean who really knows. but anyway...

... cheers... my next post will probably be my last here for quite some time.

///boards of canada - "peacock tail" like a lucid dream for the ears

even jesus had mental problems 11/15/07

Subject : even jesus had mental problems
Posted Date: : Nov 15, 2007 7:47 PM

i mean, come on. with the amount of pressure he was under he would have had to have something coming loose in his all knowing brain. maybe he was ocd. maybe he could only put on his sandals at the same exact time or he would have to spin around five times and do a sommersault backwards before he could attept it again. maybe he was a cutter. maybe he was a total jerk to himself in private. he obviously heard voices... i mean, seriously... was he a fucked up dude with a lot of charisma, or wasn't he?

i know i am kind of screwed up in the head and i also know i have some charisma, but that doesnt make me jesus. that makes me committed again. i got 301'd for the second time in my life. not fun. i was in the lock up for about 9 days, maybe 10 if you count the day they held me in the lobby for observation. it sucked. they take away your clothes, they strip search you, they take away everything of value to you and leave you with nothing but a pair of socks, a frock, and if you're lucky, pants. i had to wait three days for a pair of pants. everytime i go to the mental clink i learn something new about myself though. it was a trip i'd been running from and putting off for quite some time, but now that i've been through it again i can see that from the outset it was bound to happen and should have happend sooner. the last thing i want is to be branded "a threat to the community at large" again.

so what now.... new meds... new outlook... new job hours... new everything. if only life was easy to reset all the time. i've also decided im going to take a year off between bachelors and masters degrees just so that i can bask in having no homework and nothing academic to crack my head open for a while. itll be nice to focus on studying for gre's, learning a language, and planning my eventual escape to spain. thats right. spain. i plan on leaving this country for spain forever because im tired of it hear. i am totally serious. i am so serious i would not bet against myself. i will sware on my mother's eventual grave. thats how serious i am. i am serious sam. and i love spain even though ive never been. i honestly dont feel tied to this country at all. bleh. ah well.

thats it for now. ive explained my absence yet again... one of the themes of my life... and so im out, again. but ill be back to write some more. probably about the quality of life in spain and the general mulletry witnessed there by my girlfriend. also maybe some commentary promoting the mulleted life style in general. it obviously cant be all bad if an entire population of a city does it. right? HAHAHHA wrong jerk face. but seriously. more of that to come.

///the flaming lips - "the W.A.N.D." a tune i discovered in my library after owning it forever. I think i must have acquired it almost two years ago and just never listened to it till i heard it on an HP inspiron commercial. which is embarassing... or funny... i dunno. when you think of yourself as something of a musical afficionado things like that scratch your back in the wrong way, but the end result is a good feeling so you can't complain too much without sounding like a douche. k. bye.

1976 10/17/07

Subject : 1976
Posted Date: : Oct 17, 2007 11:22 AM

1976 views. been gone for a while. dealing with depression and odd issues hither and thither. at the moment i feel like im biding my time in college. waiting for another year to end so i can finally get on with living my "real" life after graduation. but i mean, except for a handful of things that i know i am desparately wanting to do to advance my personal life to a new stage of stability, love, excitement, and rest what i am essentially looking forward to is going to be another time out session. just another pause along the road. i have to get a masters degree to command the pay i will need to live the kind of life i want to, and in order to do that im going to have to take a year off to study for gre's and find a school and all the rest. so its basically just time out part two.

im exhausted with school. i hate homework. i hate forced reading. i hate a lot of things but i love even more so im okay with that sensation i think. i started smoking again. im not really sure why. maybe its because my football team lost so i dont really have to be in peak condition. why the hell would anyone really need to be able to run five miles? so i dont really care about that. and if i have to hold my breath for a minute i guess ill be ass out in the cold on that count. and if i have to do thirty pull ups to save my life, well, same deal. too bad. its a nice pass time, i think. maybe ill get some pipe tobacco and smoke pipes in my white robe every saturday afternoon. make it a pleasant ritual of aromas and scotch. speaking of which i need to get a more plush robe. for my ass mostly. ill admit it. i like having really furry soft things to sit on and rub myself against. its fun. its relaxing. its flippin awesome is what it is.

stealing. i havent stolen anything aside from digital properties in a long time. im trying to keep it that way. im also making minimum credit card payments. i know i shouldnt, but i dont have the money to pay it down so its better than nothing. and furthermore! nope.... thats it i guess. sorry ive been away so long. ive thought about you everyday and i missed your milestones (1666 view). but im back again. and i tentatively wager i will be writing in you more often than i have. <3

///boards of canada-"constants are changing" this song has helped me end more rough days than i can count. nothing like melting into blankets with blustery old man winter giving you chills and a delicate weave of synth fades and tonal scales washing over you like the tiniest, ever unique, crystals of ice.

actually this 07/30/07

Subject : actually this
Posted Date: : Jun 30, 2007 7:30 PM

this is how happy i am

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this is whats wrong 07/25/07

Subject : this is whats wrong
Posted Date: : Jun 25, 2007 6:54 PM

what keeps america going?

a quick survey of television yeilds:

the "criminal justice industry" (prisons, police, etc.)

the military ("protecting" overseas interests)

education (schooling to make you a functional cog but not intelligent)

image (make yourself better and more liked by putting [insert product] on as often as possible)

[no picture necessary, just turn on your damn tvfor 15 minutes]

and fear (see following music entry)

///dntel - "pillowcase" do not listen to this track at any time while high, and definitely not at night when hunting for sweeter dreams. back shortly.

change the channel 07/25/07

Subject : change the channel
Posted Date: : Jun 25, 2007 7:53 PM

alright so im basically complaining again, but its legitimate this time. i swear. on my eventual grave.

america is raising a bunch of pussy ass punk bitch kids. and the most pussy punk ass bitchiest of the bunch are the ones that are gonna run things. just think about it. all those emo mother fuckers who sware ... or is it swear... whatever... who sware they cant deal with life for a single additional day or that everyday is the worst day mankind has witnessed to date are likely not so weak willed because they cant change but probably because all the shit they listen to tells them to be miserable. its like high fidelity... except there is no ambiguity. music is making people miserable, fearful, shallow, and worthless.

kids are afraid to speak up for themselves. kids are afraid to be different from what industry tells them to be. theyre fearful of so many things that have no bearing on real life. theyre distraught over emotions that dont matter. and theyre hateful over differences that are purely cosmetic. they have goals that are pipe dreams and engineered stories designed to sell unsustainable lifestyles. and they see themselves as warriors in fights that dont exist. its more than a manipulation of emotion for effects that can be enjoyable or inspirational or cathartic or whatever the hell you wanna call it. its basically creating ideology for children. yaaaay. childeology. copyright. true story.

its not all music either... duh... its just that the people with half a brain to change the channel instead of being brain washed by recycled beats and redundant guitar riffs have better things to do than try to reform a music market for the masses who are so geared into their own worthlessness to accept that things could be different.

your music is offensive and your brain is under utilized. please see vh1, cmt, bet, and mtv top "music" countdowns for further examples. then burn your tv. then buy a new black and white tv and keep it tuned to public access. jerks.

dont eat ice cream all day. itll make you fat and a waste of space. however much it contributes to the GNP.

///del the funky homosapien - "3030" quality 7 minute anthem. listen to it. rebuild something. more and better and different music to come. for serious.

dear person i snapped at 07/19/07

Subject : dear person i snapped at today
Posted Date: : Jun 19, 2007 12:49 AM

sorry. i know, you probably thought it was the right way to respond to my inane ramblings and i probably shouldnt have taken it so seriously and besides we are coworkers you know? co-workers dont fight. ontop of that we went to get sodas afterward too. it might have been easy for you to fall into a position where the only way to get a word in edgewise was to criticize me directly, and i know it was easy to put you there (if thats what happend at all) because i am very good at carrying on long dialogs with whoever will listen, so im sorry. im sorry because i probably shouldnt have made you feel like a moron for criticizing me and i probably shouldnt have called you a coward and i probably shouldnt have told you to fuck off, so ... my bad.

its not that i dont give a fuck... its just that i have my own short comings when it comes to things like people who use criticism as an in for interaction. i didnt mean to be a jerk, but then again you probably didnt either. you probably just wanted to join in on my never ending monologue... or maybe not... maybe you were just tired of hearing me ramble. i get tired of hearing me ramble sometimes and i know for a fact its not half worth listening to 75% of the time. well maybe fifty percent. what im trying to say is i was wrong to assume you were wrong, but i was also wrong (assuming you were right) by virtue of the way i reacted. sorry again. hope i didnt crush your self esteem by any means. mine is already pretty fragile as it is and would probably implode if i wasnt constantly forcing it outward with my long winded diatribes about how awesome i may or may not be....

anyways... i guess i should say thanks for bringing my longwindedness on the job to my attention. ill try to talk a little bit less while im there. for the rest of the time however i will probably keep on talking. mainly because i like to talk and shutting up is for cowards, introverts, the subjugated and military men/women. i believe that last sentence counts as posturing. performance. but in a good way. call it hyperbole mixed with something along the lines of a lack of self control. i feel compelled to talk so i do and i make it sound like its a great thing. because it is. dont be a communist. bye.

///planetary assaul systems - "gated" wanna know what it sounds like in my brain when my synapses really get my mouth going and i dont talk it out to keep things somewhat organised? it sounds like something going 360 beats per minute with a violin trying to catch every third note while sticking to a 4:4 meter all while an alarm sounds just out of synch enough to make you wish you woke up five hours later in the morning and without having to take a huge dump before you could function. but you still like it because after the first thirty seconds of feeling and hearing that way you start to see how it all fits together better than anything you could have written yourself.

the real vitamin water 07/08/07

Subject : the real vitamin water commercials
Posted Date: : Jul 8, 2007 2:09 AM

HOW THE VITAMIN WATER COMMERCIALS SHOULD REALLY GO:

"Try jumping through a sheet rock cieling twice, try it."

"Try carrying a table downstairs with two sprained ankles, try it."

"Try smoking two packs in one day, try it."

"Try leaping from a second story window onto milk crates, try it."

"Try playing lacrosse with empty bottles in a narrow hallway, try it."

"Try playing baseball with a two by six and a waterpolo ball, try it."

"Try sprinting for two hours and climbing ten foot barbed fences on a sunday morning, try it."

"Try submission wrestling on low pile carpet for three hours, try it."

"Try breaking eight couches and five desks to fit in a dumpster in less than 24 hours, try it."

"Try single handedly hauling a 7 inch thick futon mattress two and a half miles, try it."

"Try sliding 12 inches on concrete using only the left side of your face, try it."

"Try setting your entire forearm on fire, try it."

"Try using 60 grit sandpaper on your rug burns and then cleaning them with carcinogenic paint thinner, try it."

"Try fighting someone three times your size while unable to walk, try it."

etc etc. life is full of ridiculous situations and even worse decisions. im just glad its all behind me. bring it on vitaminwater. you dont know the half of what im capable of.

///minamina goodsong - "first movement" "you bet its gross: its beer kid, beer! here's a beer drinkin song for you, heeeey." "what'd you do with a drunken sailor, what'd you do with a drunken sailor, what'd you do with a drunken sailor, earl-eye in the mornin."

people are smart 06/17/07

Subject : "people are smart"
Posted Date: : Jun 17, 2007 1:00 PM

there are few things funnier than commercials that convince their viewers that they are smart. first of all if you can be convinced of your inteligence by a television commercial you are probably not that bright. second of all a commercial is not the authority on human inteligence, inteligent people are. and thirdly its a fucking commercial!!! commercials dont change the smart half of the publics opinion about the dumber half... no offense to the morons out there.

ditech. "people are smart" dream on.

posturing 06/17/2007

Subject : posturing
Posted Date: : Jun 17, 2007 11:29 AM

i hate posturing. i hate posturing more than a lot of things in the world.... or at least more than a lot of things in america. posturing is the root of so many problems. think about it. if politicians never postured you'd know exactly what was going on in the world at any given moment. if party people didnt posture you'd know at a party who was there just to have a good time, who was there a flirt a little, and who was there to slut it up. you'd know who you should talk to and who you should avoid talking to. if professors didn't posture you'd know what you needed to do to do well in their classes without having to decipher what they were really saying. you wouldnt have to do bullshit work tacked on to meaningful course work to make their class seem harder than it is. if car companies didnt posture you'd know which cars were the safest, or the best value. if bosses didnt posture you would know that a job was essentially slave labor with a stipend. you could work as hard as you needed to and not an hour more without worrying about getting fired. you would know which business owners were really about the well being of their laborers and which ones would grind you into dust if it meant an extra five dollars in their pocket every week.

posturing makes people idiots but also makes idiots out of other people. its simply not fair to anyone when posturing comes into play. highschool is so miserable for 3/4s of the people who go through it because 1/4 of the people in charge and at the top of the food chains are only concerned with appearances... and its bullshit. dont get me wrong... posturing has its place. in comedy, in sports, and in all things that are performances (even blogs sometimes) posturing plays an enormous and useful role. but life aint one big performance. some of us are more concerned with honestly living it as fully and contentedly as possible than tap dancing our way through it to hollow applause.



///dj rap - "good to be alive" not here to judge. im just sayin shit is fucked up sometimes and it doesnt have to be.

something to say 06/13/07

Subject : something to say
Posted Date: : Jun 13, 2007 12:13 AM

i had a lot of things to say earlier today and i told myself i would get off of work moving furniture and come home and write. but i couldnt make the time. which also means i forgot everything that i thought would be interesting to say. which sucks because when im at work i devote a significant amount of time to thinking. not really thinking about things that are exceptionally profound, or particularly strange, but things that take me down one path or another to some destination of interest.

sooo in lieu of something interesting to say i will simply share some of my favorite phrases. not really favorite phrases, but more like things i like to hear during the week in no particular order. turn cassette over now.

actually i disagree. instead of that im just going to acknowledge that i have nothing to say today except that i hope you all had great days. i guess the only other thing is that i would like to admit that i have a night light in the shape of a balloon with purple and yellow polka dots over blue tinted glass. i use it every night. =) thats about it. bbye for now.



///the pillows - "one life" if you are a fan of general j rock (alternative rock from japan) you'll love this little anthem of loving life. true story.

move your pen 06/04/07

Subject : move your pen
Posted Date: : Jun 4, 2007 11:09 PM

tonight... its too warm to sleep easily and i have a boner that refuses to resolve itself. so instead of trying to pleasure myself till the bright hours of the morning and going to work tired im gonna just try to sweat it out. not really sweat it out persay, but more like lay here till i feel sleepy.

while i wait for sleep i will write some stream of concious stuff that may or may not be true. basically im entertaining myself.

i picked apart my sandwich today while considering the things i like to imagine are important. the seeds in the wheat bread. there were seeds in the wheat bread and they reminded me of gothic homes. kitchen floors dusted with flour. flour that falls deeper. pressed by footsteps between the dulled boards. sprinkling down to the cellar where Tigris died. after birthing her litter. of still borns.

it was tuna fish again. not that i have anything against dolphins. or fishermen. theres a show on called deadliest catch featuring the dancing talents of a thing. i forget which talent im supposed to say. the tuna was old. i could taste it. the can. i could taste the can between bites. and i noticed the refrigerator door was still open.

the cool touch of air around my ankles just like the last time. i showered, but left my bedroom window open. i couldnt help thinking how gorgeous i looked. for the first minutes. before i realized there was a man standing beneath the street lights. just to the left of the oak tree that nearly died last winter. knowing the uncertainty. the measured seconds before my fingers shut the window. was the same.

a mouthful of tin shards and dry oats. mixed and mashed together with the smoked guts of some thing i'd never before laid. eyes on and probably never would. i picked that sandwich. for forty minutes. watching the sun and staring it down till it hid behind the big easy hills. and cast its shadows where my hands couldnt interfere. someone should probably. throw it out.



///the dust brothers - "jacks smirking revenge" not much to say here. the dust brothers are the chemical brothers. i think thats good enough if it matters at all. bbye for now.

the starvation diet 05/31/07

Subject : the starvation diet continues
Posted Date: : May 31, 2007 3:39 PM

more and more i ask myself "is it worth it" less and less. kind of a disjoint sentence, but there are worse things, like having your tongue fall out. in the grand mother fucking scheme of things a few months is like a few months. in a decade there are 120 months. three months. one hundred. and twenty. months. three months. 3 months not so big. in lieu of the beautacious anne to bounce my lunacy off of ive taken up reading. you would think that a writer would read a lot, but a writer, namely me, dont necessasarily do that.

dont get me wrong, i read a lot. just not a lot of the things i would prefer to be reading at any given moment in time. im thinking once i finish my american beauty | donnie darko parody i'll post it here.... and then start on a 14 page poem to my lover. yeah thats right. romantic, i know. whats that? not what you were thinking? you put another word in front of the "i know?" well good for you. you should probably congratulate yourself if you haven't already. you have? well, fine job. anyway, i want to do this because i want to mail her something. i've never mailed anything to spain before so this is somewhat of an exhillirating idea for me. probably not so much, you. i also want to get started writing a poem everyday. just because its healthy. in a very healthful way. to be in a very healthful way.

i really reallllly want to go to spain to be with her. i would potentially ride in a crate with a single airhole on a cut rate airline and assuming i didnt get there dead it would all have been worth it. but since i would probably not survive the trip ill just wait for her to come back, possibly twiddle my thumbs, and also possibly get a tatoo and another ear piercing. a tatoo of what is the question. i really wanted a snowflake, but now i feel like there are better symbols to describe myself to people who dont know me who might see me shirtless at the beach or something. im still leaning toward a snowflake but i could also go for animals (real or imagined), other elemental/weather symbols, and possibly man made objects, excluding crosses. i could also go for names... maybe. i should probably wait on names till knots have been tied... which may or may not happen. you never know how things will go when you're just 22. im trying not to over run myself to the point of being delusional about love. im pretty sure my results are mixed.

ive taken to shouting at my guinea pig. he doesnt understand anyway. more on our relationship next time. ill try to include more illegally copied internet pictures too. no one likes a dry martini unless theyre pretending to.

///mum - "there is a number of small things" a classic builder song. elements are added and added as what i would call the chorus... maybe just the chore chords cycle round and round... until the song reaches its peak 4 and a half minutes in. from there it begins to slowly unravel into a number of small things, each one precious and vital as a gem stone in a black velvet pouch. give it a listen on a tuesday night. yes. a tuesday night.

old feelings 05/30/07

Subject : old feelings ain't nothing new
Posted Date: : May 30, 2007 11:29 PM

something i immediately miss about smoking cigarettes, beyond the non-specific sensations of wanting to smoke something, is having an excuse to go outside at anytime. not that i cant go outside anytime, i just cant exactly go outside and do pushups or go outside for a run at 2am. you gotta keep close to the lights outside your house or you might get shanked or something. you could just go outside and look up at the sky if you want, but it feels too flowery... too romantic. it's probably just my poor retarded notions getting in the way of me enjoying something i would otherwise enjoy. i guess everything doesnt have to be dark to be enjoyable. just some things. but anyway... the point is i miss cigarettes because they were my excuse to do some things i enjoyed doing but wouldn't do otherwise. which is nice to know. cuz now i dont need them for those purposes, or at least that singular purpose of going outside at odd hours.

i also recently thought about what would happen if i cheated on my gf. its a thought that crosses anyones mind when theyre hugely sexually starved... or intellectually starved... or cuddly starved... basically malnourished because their partner isnt near enough to water their needs whenever the ground beneath their feet gets a little parched... but anyway THE POINT IS after maybe twenty seconds of consideration i came to the conclusion that absolutely nothing good would come of it. then i made a huge bowl of mac and cheese with a ton of milk and ate until my face blushed. actually im gonna take a minute to eat some more.

alright that was awesome. these are all basically old feelings. at least the second and third thirds of it are. this being the third third. like everyone else i wish i could sleep on nights when the moon shines so clearly on my back. and i wish i could make people happy. or at least myself happy. ah well. lets hope im getting there. i think my greatest fear is probably stagnation.

///talvin singh - "one" a 12 minute track that opens up what i believe is his third album, called Ha. the most cerebral 12 minutes of indian electronica ive ever heard. the composition is as technically pleasing as it is aurally stimulating. the sound is, for lack of a better descriptor and sleepiness closing in, comforting like the songs of a mother to a baby's ears.

zoetrope 05/29/07

Subject : zoetrope
Posted Date: : May 29, 2007 11:53 PM

here we are again. writing to you from my cave. i realized i enjoyed living in caves a while back. i built myself a den instead of a loft. it was great. i had a mattress that was bigger than a queen size. and christmas lights. everythings better with christmas lights. and fireflies.

so im a little docile. i ate a couple of mouthfulls of robitussin to help me sleep. so i can wake up rested you know. i was gonna go jog today but i ended up walking around in my flip flops for half an hour instead. im really looking forward to sleeping so early. its only 1am. the good thing about having so much energy during the day is that it feels so satisfying when its all gone.

what is not satisfying is that my paycheck is going to be delayed by about two weeks on top of the two week waiting period. im too tired to cuss and spit about it so i wont. i am really bushed. i miss sex. and smoking cigarettes.

i saw some children playing today. riding tricycles as hard as they could. i thought about how hard i tried to grow up so fast and i felt something stab through me that was probably regret. could've been disgust. or envy. but if i had to lay money on the table i would put my chips on 22 black. everything is wasted on everyone. whatever happend to contented living. its the one thing i think im going to really take away with me this summer. few things feel better than watching the sunlight slide down the window pane after work with the moon grasping for its tails.

i watched the first stars pop out tonight. they felt warm.

///boards of canada - "zoetrope" a song featuring all the shifty mixed feelings starlight can induce. but also a song that pulses and thins like sun streaks from an aperture that catches too much light... like dreaming at 3.33 in the afternoon.

stop putting tae diggs in movies 05/27/07

Subject : stop putting tae diggs in movies
Posted Date: : May 27, 2007 3:50 AM

i dont even know if his name actually is tae diggs. all i know is he's been the token black anti-hero on more tent-pole pics than i can count on one hand. the other problem is that i know he's been in more movies that i just cant remember in their entireity because they were too shitty to stick. all i have are commercial clips with indistinct hip hop and that ominous movie dude voice going.

he's a terrible actor. he's worse than jamie foxx was when he did his first movie. worse than snoop dogg in the movie about black vampires. worse than the voice acting in american anime. worse than a grilled cheese sandwich made with powdered parmesian and olive oil.... worse than the fucking godzilla versus king kong dvd i bought for 2.50 a couple weeks ago. if anyone is paying this person anything it should be dirty kleenexes with sad faces on it used to wipe the asses of people in retirement homes. he should be paying the industry... or at least be forced to do a thousand hours of community service for every half million a movie makes that he even shows his face in. i hate his acting.

on another note. i just stopped being sick today. it was pretty strange. it started off almost a week ago with a sore throat that turned into a completely raw throat featuring spitting up blood and other unmentionable etceteras (bastardised i know, but i dont care that much). then a fever kicked in a few days ago that kept rising until this morning, ending at the wonderfully heady peak of 102 degrees centaheit. and then i coughed up a pair of jagged grape sized wads of blood and my raw throat suddenly downgraded to a sore throat. a lot less blood in the spit. which is nice. i still wonder what those jagged things were but i havent developed the stomach to go poking around my wastebasket for them... let alone disecting them. i just hope they dont hatch into something. that would be gross as ... something really stomach turning. im probably going to have nightmares about that. ah well.

fuck you & hell yes 05/27/07

Subject : fuck you & hell yes | hell no summertime
Posted Date: : May 27, 2007 3:02 AM

fuck you people that do dumb shit like post comments that say things like "hmmm interesting just thought you would want to see this GREAT WEBSITE." if this is you, you should probably not kill yourself. what you should probably not not do is tickle and elephants hind legs until they buckle, causing the elephant to sit on you, possibly asphixiating you with its asshole, but otherwise crushing you to death. it wont be easy finding an elephant... but click HEARE for GRRRREAT WEBSITE where they are giving away 500 dollar tickle sessions. fuck head.

the summer time is awesome. beautiful. depressing. happifying. all that good stuff that reminds you why you love waiting for it, hate it when its ending, and sleep through a lot of it while its here. that being said... my summer time is not awesome. summertime. summer time? who really cares. my summer time is sucking. my lady love is in spain. one of my favorite passtimes (in case it hasnt been made clear yet, masturbation) is not working at all... and i dont have internet access at my desk so my elbows keep going numb cuz im using the half laptop (accidentally ripped the lcd off) i have laying on my bed. the only thing i have to entertain me is my furniture moving job andmy other shit. shit being writing. im going to read a book about narrative design. since i cant seem to win anything at my school narrative wise. they can all go to ... i dont know... fuckin chuckie cheese for all i care. assholes. im just unhappy. not happy with the summer time. i feel like writing some philosophical stories might help me feel less worse. eh. fuck you. hell yes? hell no. i hate summertime.

and one more thing. what the hell is homestyle white gravy anyway! i hate commercials. and bad anime. and i hate how commercials are just taking turns portraying whites and blacks as idiots. what is that racial sparring bullshit. RAWR.

///dj acucrack - "platinum" heavy strobe lights. annoying swells. sore ears. and somehow it keeps feeling good. unlike summer everyday. fucking sound life.

and then the telephone started 05/12/07

Subject : and then the telephone started
Posted Date: : May 12, 2007 9:35 PM

the telephone is ringing and im not answering because im busy living at the moment and it requires my attentions.

may 21 i should have more time to do things like sit and ponder. i could have said think but there's something about the word ponder that's reminscent of chucking big smooth rocks into a little lake and hearing the plunk echo off the bottom of a foot bridge while some kid in a wide brimmed twine hat fishes and the sun busies itself with setting.

be back then.



<3

"god called, he wants his sandals back" 04/17/07

Subject : "god called, he wants his sandals back"
Posted Date: : Apr 17, 2007 5:45 PM

yes... god is in fact on the line and would like his sandals back. im just passing along the message. he mentioned something about needing to walk on water and tap dance on eggshells... basically save the world from the forces evil while juggling three chainsaws, two penguins, and spinning a plate on a two hundred foot long broomstick with his nose while lobsters hung from his balls by their claws. all of this while winning a fire ant eating competition and shitting out an entire combination brick and extruded, galvanized, steel factory.

he also mentioned that your over the top attitude is entirely uncalled for and that your ability to walk on water, tap dance on eggshells, impregnate people with the mere thought of sex, and fart out entire arms of a galaxy, does not entitle you to belittle everyone. he suggests you take your head off your shoulders and place it on someone elses for a few minutes to see that, though you could make the universe spin around your little finger while wearing his sandals, you really shouldnt because it makes everyone else around you sick to their stomachs.

he kindly pointed out that you were only supposed to borrow the sandals for ten minutes to go to the bodega for another case of OE and to give the guy outside the store front your change. he even said he looked the other way when you whizzed behind the store hard enough to cut your name twenty feet straight down into the ground and then cut the front off the car you recognized as belonging to that guy who told you to shut the fuck up when you talked out of your ass behind his back.

he was really nice about the whole thing. very respectful. he said you were supposed to be back three days ago... and he also says if you dont return them he will remove the concept of collared shirts from mankind forever... and smite the polo player from every swatch of fabric known to man. just between you and me i think he's a little ticked... and besides, everyone really did like you more before you became a complete douchebag. you should really call him back and let him know what's up. later.



///the future sound of london - "the galaxial pharmaceutical" not a great song, not a top ten playlister, not even a really good song. just some down tempo easiness...to ease the business of isness, cuz as we all are quite aware "OMG my life is so hard, you have no idea" is the anthem of too many people's lives. chill the fuck out.

sometimes < a poetically... 04/16/07

Subject : sometimes
Posted Date: : Mar 16, 2007 1:44 AM

i killed a joke. it was not too long ago. it involved rocco sifreddi and the phrase "you say you dance sometimes." the details aren't important... but what is important is that i have come to really respect that random filler spewing from that porn stars mouth while he makes some excuse to get girls to spread 'em. i dont condone his behavior. im pretty wholesome in that i am attracted to and lucky enough to have what i term a wholesome woman. so anyway, the point (i love to talk) the point is this: the idea of "sometimes" has made the leap from joke, to drunken rant, to killed joke, to mantra, to curiosity, to introspective reflection over the course of the past school year. case in point, the following:

sometimes my arms go numb when i hold books up to read.
my knees hurt sometimes when i slouch on subway cars.
sometimes i dance when everyone is looking.
i like to write sometimes, but sometimes id rather watch a movie.
i change my clothes sometimes, and sometimes i shower.
sometimes i laugh at car accidents.
sometimes i fear for my life all of the time.
i drink sometimes.
etc. etc. etc. the interesting thing is... those phrases carry varying loads of forcefulness, like bows being drawn to different degrees... all because of that word. and it all started with rocco's poddy mouth.



///beastie boys - "and me" the lyric and the tempo of this song counter balance eachother in that magical way that makes a severely trying experience immediately assume the lightness of retrospect. "it's push and pull- the way its got to be..." right now things are pretty difficult. but im dealing reasonably well. i really think everything that has happend up to now has been due preparation for whatever comes next. barring a thermonuclear explosion in my back yard, i'd say im ready to survive anything (except maybe rambo style torture. if anyone cuts my chest open while i am concious i will most likely poo myself and then promptly die).

make good 04/05/07

Subject : make good ::: destroyer goodness
Posted Date: : Apr 5, 2007 6:59 PM

i cant really fault anyone for not being able to trust me. i spend a lot of time thinking to myself about things external to me before acting in ways that i myself have trouble predicting. im bipolar with shades of schizophrenia and a control freak streak a few hectares wide. i have anger management problems and i digest personal loss as easily as i shit bricks. i like to make people happy to my own detriment, and entertain quiet thoughts of bdsm when no ones looking. the one thing people seem to be able to catch on to is that i make good.

your damn fucking right i make good. LOLERZ. but seriously... when i put my mind to something i will try to carry it out till the treads fall off, and yes its my upbringing. i dont enjoy being this way sometimes. sometimes it sucks. sometimes it makes it impossible for people to trust my authenticity and sometimes the people that are close to me can see there's something else behind my eyes i dont want to talk about. sometimes it makes life unmanageable, unenjoyable, and downright sickening. i've tried to change. i still do try to change. soemtimes i succeed. sometimes i dont. sometimes i dance. seriously.

this is the last time ill talk about love this month. promise. love is where trust is important, obviously. my ability to committ to a course should not be confused with, interchanged with, or held above my ability to love without condition. i just want that in writing. so there. im gonna be 22 soon... past the one third mark... so i dont have time to fuck around when it comes to love. fucking around is done with, was done with, has been done with for almost five years, and will continue to be done with. one of my hobbies is not seeing how many people i can fuck before i wake up in a coffee shop, having dozed off in the afternoon after a weekend bender, having missed slept throught the morning, to find im 39-still hitting the clubs for 19 year olds-unable to remember the name of the second to last person i banged-and feeling sorry for myself.

i love. i make good.

the road is winding onward... friends are getting jobs... degrees... cars... lives... world travel... etc. i am not. but if there's one thing i remember (aside from repeating the that phrase as much as possible) its that you cant let the parade outside your window ruin your perfectly good day and your perfectly good can of beer and your perfectly good creative mind and your perfectly good herb. watch the world go by? hah! i've got better things to do (which may or may not be true, but what the hell do you care). i am a reasonable person. i dont destroy yer goodness (at least not actively i hope) so dont feel bad if you think youre treading on mine. if that makes sense. in retrospect i dont think it does. but im not going to explain it. i dont have to.

the phrase is good enough on its own.



///the pillows! - "hybrid rainbow" probably the best song to listen to when the rain is just starting to let up and the last drops are catching the sunlight and firing it off in orange and amber and sorbet rays of milk and you look to the sky to see a rainbow and there's nothing there but towers and towers of clouds that look like you could climb them if you only had a rope long enough to lasso the filaments of rain still falling and dreams big enough to believe in yourself.

yes, its a very hopeful outlook. yes, i manufactured it. yes, i believe in it. yes, i will refuse to acknowledge your criticism of my opinion in this matter.

all up ins 04/03/07

Subject : all up ins & all up ons
Posted Date: : Apr 3, 2007 7:03 PM

my thoughts are all over the place. they are as follows:

sorry, been away for a bit. it happens. anyway... i saw the trailer for the new transformers flick. the new trailer... and i know the movie is going to be terrible in some way that i havent thought of yet. how do i know this? because tyler durden know this? no. because its coming out on the fourth of july. nothing good ever comes out on the fourth of july with that many explosions in it. period. and if it is good... it is always over shadowed by the powerfully... movingly... tear jerkingly bad films. now i dont mind if it has a bad script. my life has a bad script but im not about to commit suicide. i will mind if it has nothing to do with the transformers universe. whoever directed it better show some 'spect to the real transformers fans.

on another note. i may have to cut my long luxurious locks. yes it is true. i didnt even look up the correct spelling for that high falutin way of saying hair. i also did not look up the spelling for that stuffy way of saying over rought. i dont care. i know im going to miss my hair a great deal, but part of me will very much enjoy being able to wash my hair with a mere palmful of shampoo instead of the usual 1/8th of a bottle. itll be soooooooo nice to feel the wind on my scalp again... and just look different from how i've looked for the past four years. you'd be jumping out of your fuckin skull too if the only way you could change your appearance was by growing facial hair.

speaking of jumping out of your skull... whats with all the "check out my cam" people around here. i kind of figured this would happen eventually... but seriously... how much money are they really making? how come no one talks about it? its not like it isnt there. the whole thing is retarded. i could be a pornstar, but since there's no data out there how am i supposed to make an informed decision! what are the health benefits? annual income? how hard is it to find work? i know i thought about this before... but now im really curious since im being bombarded by this shit show non-stop. anyway. whatever. life moves on...

to my next thing. im really not sure what im going to do once i get this degree that ive had to practically kill for. i dont want to teach little little kids because they dont want to learn. the ones that want to learn ar e so few and far between i feel like it wouldnt even be worth it to try to teach tiny kids. i'm thinking im going to have to gun for highschoolers because they, or at least more of them, will understand the importance of doing their homework and paying attention... and i could yell at them without them wetting their pants or offending their parents. the military is out. my ankles suck from too much abuse and i know i wouldnt pass a military physical for that reason (among others). I've still yet to win a writing competition on my campus so i dont know if ill be able to be a successful writer either. so i mean... i cant kill things/people for a pension... i cant sell drugs and also be married... i cant teach little kids... and i probably will never be a kept man (no job security)... so it looks like highschool teacher will be it. that way i get to help people and also have summers to write the bazillion novels i have planned out.

the one im working on now is a spoof of donnie darko and american beauty. i keep readin over the storyline and im having a hard time convincing myself its worth writing. i think ill shelve it. i really wish i knew who liked reading my stuff and who thought it was a big lot of shit. oh well.

gonna be 22 soon. here's to not dieing =)

as my closing argument i would like to say that i like feet. cute toes are awesome. my girlfriend has cute toes. they're absolutely precious. so the problem, of course is that in warm weather everyone starts wearing open toed shoes and it gets kind of awkward for me. yeah. really. it does. its like seeing everyone in their swim suits and it really does bother me to a degree. its frustrating... but it also ties back to what i originally said about images of an ideal. everyone carries images in their minds... and the reason why we say this person or that person is attractive is because they fit those images as closely as one can find. what makes two people attracted to eachother, as my theory goes, is the reciprocity of image discovery. so for me... a person who looks at women from bottom to top it gets frustrating seeing reflections of ideals so incredibly incomplete, but it is also so comforting to know that the closest match from toe to head is the person i love. sorry if thats not the case for you. i always feel a little guilty effusing about love to ppl who may not be so fortunate or just outright screwed to not be in a mostly happy situation with a significant other.

p.s. my feet smell. actually its my flip-flops. but still. guross.

p.p.s. when i cut my hair im going to turn it into a wig which i will wear at the earliest and most hillariously convenient moment.



///sneaker Pimps - "think harder" i feel like this song is one of the most organic tracks i've heard in a while. by organic i dont mean completely random and frothy with fractals and rainbows and moss. by organic i mean the song generates images and sensations of pulsations that induce in my body the urge to dance in a very swarthy, sweaty, hip grindy, breathy, kind of way. when i hear this song i feel like im inside the beating heart of some enormous whale and the party is gonna go all night.

women with children 03/15/07

Subject : women with children (a.k.a. young'ns)
Posted Date: : Mar 15, 2007 2:32 AM

alright... so walking through the old food court today around 2 in the afternoon after a hard days shopping for some sexy man pants (for myself) and some tighties (for mr. wangthony) and a duffle (for my shotguns) I realized something that other people have probably noticed too: the vitality of younger mothers with their children. I mean seriously... the food court is a pretty shitty place most of the time... especially the one at the mall near my house. Every five to ten seconds someone is thrusting some free sample in your face and the dumb thing is 4 out of the 7 places to eat are all asian food so they basically sell you the same thing at varying price points.

I usually hate it but today was different. really kind of weird in a fun way. instead of the usual dark, dingy, fat people, consumerist, gluttony that usually hangs in the air i felt a kind of lightness... like standing between two statically charged sheets of plastic... or maybe to state that better... like entering a pet store and finding all of the critters had something to say to you about how good you looked. alright well, anyway, the point is, what was different was that the place was full of mothers and their little kids running around and playing with eachother and taking care of eachother. the whole place just effused life.

I always thought pregnant women were pretty hot. yes ive seen pregnant porn... its not very good most of the time. pregnant erotica is more the ticket. but this was on a whole separate level. I think pregnant women are hot because of that feeling i cited before... that sense of utter, glowing, vitality that colors their faces and their voices, even when they're puking or complaining or just feeling awful. It comes out even more when they're in a good mood. It's like walking through a rainy day and suddenly finding yourself in the presence of a sun shower though seconds before everything was cold dark and rotten.

i wanna have kids some day. two of them. a boy and a girl. right now i want to see my girlfriend become my wife and have my kids. i want to see her smile at them and wipe the ice cream off their faces when they decide to use their hands to eat from the bowl instead of their spoons. i want to see her getting rest when she's full with them and taking off from work. i want to cook dinner for her when she cant and change the channel for her when they're born and growing and stealing the tv remotes to use them for space ships.

women with children (inside or outside their bodies) are beautiful. they are beings capable of producing transformative experiences with their mere presence, but to put it differnetly, they are love personified on so many different levels and through so many different relationships and interactions that it would be silly to list them here, so i will shut up and think about my future and hope that it incudes one in a few years. im sure you've probably heard the above before from someone else... so just let this be confirmation to you and stick your snide commentary about "heard it before" up your nose, swirl it around, and when you pull it back out i hope your frontal lobes are dangling from the end of it.

disclaimer - they are not all beautiful. there are some that are frieghtening, repelling, and just plain gross (for reasons that need not be enumerated here). so here's to hoping that the latter (the most recent statement) is //not// in my future... cuz that shit will be difficult to deal with keeping in my mind my dreams and ambitions. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyit.

on another note... my next and last year of college is shaping up to SUCK ASS. thankyou. that is all.

///pink floyd - "wish you were here" just a lazy, rainy, maryland thursday by the marsh and the train tracks kinda song. i havent thought of the deeper meanings of the lyrics. i havent even heard the song recently, but i keep thinking about that chorus fragment... because well... i wish my country mouse was here right now and i wish i was in pittsburgh and ... im just feeling full of wishiness (sans washy. i dont get washy... i get wistful... jerk).

starside 03/11/07

Subject : starside
Posted Date: : Mar 11, 2007 4:04 PM

heading out to the maryland colony to visit my little sister and make some cash.

the only thing that makes riding the greyhound interesting is just thinking about it as a space shuttle. a really crappy, really square, really smelly, but moderately inexpensive, space shuttle, and you are the intrepid... uhm... business man being sent out to the stars to double check some standards and regulations issue for your company that didnt have the loose change to send you first class. now thats interesting. like that jetsons movie.



so here's the plan. disembark monday morning. cut down some trees. chill out.... play some games... maybe watch a movie.... eat... sleep... and repeat until friday afternoon.

embarassing moment of the week: i had so much trouble having an orgasm today that i ended up masterbating from around 4 am till like 7.30. either i really suck at masterbating or something is wrong. i probably just need to give the nerve endings a break.

happy/sad moment of the week: anne's spiraling success. its getting out of control. the only way for things to continue at this pace is if she just started finding thousand dollar bills laying around on the sidewalk. its happy because she's worked hard and is already getting to see some benefits... but its also sad... because im not seeing any returns on my efforts yet... and probably wont for another year. ah well. i can wait. im a patient person. and if it takes too long i can at least learn how to cheat the game a little from watching it so long from the sidelines. hopefully cheating wont end up meaning acquiring a drug problem.

funny moment of the week: i was typing some drunken text messages and i dont know how many of them even got sent... but the thing was that i've been missing anne while shes in florida and at the time i was typing the messages i couldnt think of the words i was trying to say. i knew how i felt but there was a tangle of non responsive brain matter between feelings and typing fingertips. so i eventually just admitted i couldnt find the words... and for some reason i felt ashamed. but god damn it, did i try. there are six or seven saved messages that look like a two year old got their hands on refrigerator magnet letters and spilled the box... on a jigsaw puzzle.

///meat beat manifesto - "what does it all mean" a pretty cool song to listen to when youre gettin 'r done. you know moves are never fake. society is a drag so why not drop it?

music frustrations 03/05/07

Subject : music frustrations
Posted Date: : Mar 5, 2007 11:22 AM

I realized i've been hiding something from others who visit me here and that thing is that i am an enya fan. i've never been to her live show, but if i did i would definitely try to go back stage and have her sign a full length poster of herself so i could hang it on the back of my door as well as the box set of her entire collection that i will mount on a shelf over my television. not really, but if i was an absolute fanatic i would probably have her sign my neck or something.

one thing that i have found frustrating is that when you are a fan of a certain groups music there is a perpensity for reaching back into their collection and finding what you would consider their best album, and then only listening to it and a select few others. Meanwhile new work constantly comes out and you are stuck in your little time warp of pleasure until the pleasure tank runs dry. all of the sudden you have an entire library of music you just dont feel like listening to anymore and you are completely out of touch with the scene you loved so much. i've mentioned this anxiety before, but now i realize there is this second way of finding yourself marooned in musical space time.

it seems the only solutions might just be to force yourself to let go of what you've got and always look to get more. it sounds kind of greedy. it kind of makes me wonder if thats why people with "perspective" on life gained through incessantly traveling the globe and seeing all there is to see (there are always new things to be seen somewhere) give me a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. are they really traveling to help themselves see the world under an unbiased and perfectly informed lens or are they just gluts and liars, afraid of any form of constancy for the fear of being called closed minded? i dont see anything wrong with being a little closed minded if it means you get to enjoy what you do have, you get to enjoy the circumstances of your life, for a little while before you run off questing for more. sometimes there just isnt more out there to be had. yeah something new is always happening, but just because its new doesnt mean its different from what is here, and what is now.

///enya - "marble halls" because no one should have to go to sleep without being sung a gentle lullaby now and then.

bronchitis, herbs, and stories 02/27/07

Subject : bronchitis, herbs, and stories
Posted Date: : Feb 27, 2007 11:56 AM

ive decided im going to face my fears and watch brazil. the last time i saw this movie i was really young. it was back when mtv still had a space man logo as their chief advertising gimmick and nickelodeon still had a song to sing a long to. Rocko's modern life was still really popular and ren and stimpy was not all but forgotten by everyone except the casual stoner. The last time i saw this movie was like the first time i saw kafka... fucking frightening. I just remember a guy in a porcelain baby mask getting shot in the back of the head by some tall, dark, and blonde woman and his brains firing out through his forehead onto the camera. and i also vaguely remember another scene where there were two men in air tight suits that were filled with feces through tubes until they exploded. obviously not the best material for children.



which reminds me... i need to watch time bandits again sometime cuz that movie was really good even though it was unbelievably long and hard to follow for my 13 year old brain.

Anyway... in other news. I'm writing a parody of the emo dissillusionment black tragedy. I call it black tragedy because it is invariably laced with black comedy, despite its tragic content. Movies like the virgin suicides and american beauty (among others) really tick me off sometimes because they can get to be formulaic. So I realized that the problem isnt the formula, the problem is me. I don't like the formula, but a lot of other people love it... thus i will write a subtle parody, using the formula, to win acclaim. That way I and the other people, who hate that formulaic, unresolved ending, emotional crap, will have something to laugh to ourselves about, while the less narratively inclined readers will have something to say "oh, what a profound commentary on the humanity of adolescents and maturity impaired adults that was." a win-win and win situation.

also... having successfully gotten over bronchitis... well actually i should say having successfully begun to get over bronchitis i am considering alternatives to the occassional cigarette and i think i've found something interesting... herbs. not like pot herbs or potted herbs but like flower herbs that are smokable. they dont produce nicotine or tar when smoked and can be quite fragrant... which makes me wonder what the downside is. im pretty sure its bronchitis if smoked habitually... but if that's it then i simply wonder why people don't smoke more herbs all the time? it seems like fun. you even get a complimentary pipe with your first purchase. how bout them apples. so i think im gonna try it. im not looking for a marijuana high or anything close. I just want to see if its an enjoyable past time while I do other things like... blog... or ... read ... or something. we shall see.

///orb - "secrets" 'as we look at the weather map we see a forecast with sub-zero temperatures with tomorrows temperatures a continued mild- continued mild?' spring is coming. I can already feel it in the air. This is my favorite time of year... when it can still snow hard as all hell the first half of the week and then be light jacket and t-shirt weather for the other half. beauty.

teh never ending story 02/15/07

Subject : teh never ending story
Posted Date: : Feb 15, 2007 7:36 PM

so. ive recently become acutely aware of the difficulty in ending aim conversations and im pretty sure its just me (so no experiments are planned). Aim conversations continue on and on and when you stop talking its not like you can walk away from the person. they're still 'there' in a metaphysical sort of way. its like having a table for two and you simply decide not to say anything to this person who is sitting two feet from you because there is nothing more to say. not that its a bad thing, but still its pretty awkard. i've literally spent fifteen minutes at a time wondering if i should close the little instant message box or leave it open in case they say something else.

i mean nothing is more rude than getting up in the middle of someone's thoughts and saying 'well, its been fun. bye.' no one wants to be rude. i think im just taking it all too seirously. like body language. i take body language way too seriously. i think its because my dad always comented on my body language as though it were some ultra secret window into what i was actually thinking. not true. body language is just like words. sometimes people gesture what they dont mean and sometimes people mean what they are not gesturing. the whole system is unreliable.

elizabeth is back. my life with her is like an aim conversation that wont quit for the right reasons. its kind of strange, i suppose. i never thought i would be in this position. i never thought this position would be a good one, but it is. the burden of proof is on me this time around and im okay with that. we are still as fiery as ever. we still fight sometimes. argue. yell. all that. but its good. i like it. i love her. she's the kind of opinionated, sometimes petty, sometimes wrong, always beautiful, sometimes moody, better than me at "things that matter" person that i want to be with. red aura and all. i feel kind of weird about the idea that i may marry her (being that i still havent managed to resolve the task of graduating, still do not have a functional resume', and still have absolutely no idea where im going to end up working or how much money i will even have a chance of making) but its a dream that refuses to quit and i like it.

speaking of dreams, i dreamt i killed a fat little boy with a hammer because he was weak willed. more on that later.

///hooverphonic - "pink fluffy dinosaurs" because when you meet someone that makes you do things you never thought you would you know that person means something more to you than your heart may have let on. also because its finally snowing like its supposed to and this song makes waking up to a winter wonderland of ice covered trees magical. as gay as that sounds.

sorry ive been ha way 02/13/07

Subject : sorry ive been ha way
Posted Date: : Feb 13, 2007 9:29 PM

sorry ive been away. really i am. im very busy at the moment trying to win stuff and figure out how im going to finish college. ill be back by this weekend. i promise. i need you. really. i do.

///gus gus - "is jesus your pal." a great, soft, ballad that goes just as well with the highs as the lows. listen to it. love it.

admittedly wrong about ... 01/28/07

Subject : admittedly wrong about something
Posted Date: : Jan 28, 2007 9:03 PM

alright... so a while back i bashed inuyasha... but recently (having seen it several nights in a row) the show has got some good writing behind it. not dialog. but good storytelling. you can jump into the story at any point and find yourself at the beginning or end of a story arch rather quickly and its easy to pick up on the over arching story as well, even from within one of the smaller archs. so there. i was wrong about a tv show. not that i like tv. watching adult swim counts as developing art appreciation... and the history channel might as well be class time, as well as the discovery channel. so i still think tv is for nubbins... discerning nubbins.

while im on the whole confessions roll i would like to add that i enjoy house music. that's right. not the typical house music (then again everyone believes they like music for reasons unique to them which makes the music itself unique... not really true but im gonna keep believing it anyway...) but the kind of house music that is complexly layered. the kind of music you can appreciate like classical music because it provokes new thoughts at every successive rotation. each new listen giving you a new sense of what went into the songs production... or each new listen revealing some nuance you just missed the last time you heard it.

sometimes i wish the music world was not so various as to allow me to literally traverse years without ever stepping into another genre, and comfortably continue to not do so... but then what would i do with a spare hour here and there, if not take steps to expand my horizons. sometimes i feel like a puppy who always played in one part of the yard and progressively fanned out, peeing on more shrubs and digging more holes and rolling in grass farther and farther away from my dog house until i hit a fence. thats what exploring music is like for me. i kind of just wander on in one direction until i hit something that i can say with confidence is completely different from where i started... then i turn around and head back to the familiar until i reach zero again. then its off in a new direction to see how far i can get before i cant go any farther without being in someone elses back yard.

///Cop Shoot Cop - "All The Clocks Are Broken" something from back in the day to seriously bang your head against the walls to. if you've ever felt like dismantling the world this band is a good place to start.

people are strange (p1) 01/25/07

Subject : people are strange (part 1)
Posted Date: : Jan 25, 2007 10:28 AM

"fitness secrets."

whyyyy do people learn things and then purposefully prevent other people from learning how to better themselves through what they've learned? maybe a person doesnt have the time or money to hire a professional fitness consultant... but jeez do you really have to let everyone know that you know how to take better care of yourself through "six simple steps" and then go to great lengths to prevent the knowledge from being shared? its like someone learning how to save money while in college and then telling people that they know how to save money in college without having to cut every corner and then telling the people (who are now eager to hear their "secrets") that they infact will not tell them how to do it, but will instead only tell some of the people who have enough money to buy the information.

the information age sucks. its not just the fitness secrets that annoy... its just every information commodity out there... or at least most of them. (hah... thats a funny construction. at least most. i kill me sometimes.) anyway... thats it for now. if you take anything away from this its the knowledge that you should hate the information age too.

actually thats not it for now... in the spirit of an aussie myspace friend of mine (J.S.) who used to list a song after every blog entry, who has decided he needs a break from the web, i will start listing music that /i/ feel is worth listening too.

Bush "Swallowed - (goldie - "toasted both sides remix") If there was a song playing when god and lucifer finally had it out in heaven this was it. hellish, brooding, and tainted with so much pent up rage you can almost taste the sparks when swords crossed.

time to play... 01/24/07

Subject : time to play name that mental disorder
Posted Date: : Jan 24, 2007 8:15 AM

"characterized by delusions (of persecution or grandeur or jealousy); symptoms may include anger and anxiety and aloofness and doubts about gender identity; patients are usually presentable and may function in an apparently normal manner. can also suffer from hallucinations, thought disorder, poor social functioning, disordered perception, retreat from reality, regressive behavior, and flattened emotions."

that sums me up almost too perfectly. big surprise. sometimes i love being unmedicated... sometimes i dont.

its that time of the year again 01/23/07

Subject : its that time of the year again
Posted Date: : Jan 23, 2007 7:41 PM

writing contests. the two big ones at Carnegie Mellon University. oh boy. another chance to get stiffed by my favorite group of insiders at the X review (insiders meaning the circle of friends i dont have at the journal's core that run the submission selection process including the professors) and ignored by the wonderful Y judges. i think my writing just doesnt quite fit here.

i mean two years running ive gotten polar comments on everything. either its over written or its under developed. its too dense or its too cliche'. its too "in my own world" or its too simple. that last one is my favorite though. i take that last one as knowing im doing something right. im aware of what other poets have done. im aware of what other story tellers have done. i might not be aware of what everyone else is currently doing, but if i was i would be less aware of what i want to do. one thing ive learned about myself as a writer is that i like what i do. what i do has changed and continues to change over the days and months. i know im not writing well when im writing the same things i wrote at the same time last year.

still though... these are the dread hours. will this year end with more dissappointments? probably. in fact... almost assuredly. im pretty sure who the favorites already are. im pretty sure of where the student bodies work has a proclivity to wander (usually toward work that makes pittsburgh or city or just college life "come alive" or sad tidbits about family and rent hearts or the difficulty of "growing up") but im still going to write my way, my stories, my poems and if i dont win i may give them all the murderface for a few days... then a look of hurt puzzlement... but ultimately i'll be just as happy as if i did win. cuz i wuz last year. im not graduating anyway so i dont even have to worry about resume' padding.

i think im actually looking forward to this. win, lose, or draw. i still hate them though.

philosophy phucks 01/23/07

Subject : philosophy phucks
Posted Date: : Jan 23, 2007 5:13 PM

so im taking philosophy courses. two and unfortunately two too many. on the one hand there is an overview course called "what philosphy is" and the other hand there is "the philosophy of language and thought."

the first course is too shallow for my tastes. apparently its only goal is to teach you how to think as rigorously as a mathematician in your everyday reasoning. a worthy cause i suppose. few things can be more frustrating than dealing with people that have illogical jumps to ridiculous conculsions but at the same time... part of being human is taking leaps because there is rarely time for rigor. i guess thats probably why people live to be more than two years old. time enough to learn to think with enough rigor to not get yourself killed (at least not easily) but certainly not more rigorously than that.

its not the point though. the class keeps poking at ideas and examples of rigorous thought (like plato's touching on how to define justice ... or was it socrates) but there is no delving into a questioning of the thoughts that are posed. all the professor wants to do is raise questions without discussing them. ah well. i understand he has to push things forward so i guess if iwanna know more ill have to go lavar burton on his ass and read a book myself.

the other class jsut sucks. its about the logic of language not the philosophy. its lame. its basically doing logical proofs to explain language. i mean its neat and all but certainly not teaching me what i want to know and furthering my illogical frustration with philosophy. it hurts my fucking head sometimes. people are not more or less just and justice is not a skill and even if it were a skill then surely there can be people born without it so what do you do with the people that cant cultivate the skill of justice, socrates! what do you do! shoot them off into space! thats what you fucking do. no harm. no foul.

philosophy sucks.

email anxiety 01/22/07

Subject : email anxiety
Posted Date: : Jan 22, 2007 5:18 PM

email anxiety has kept me from going anywhere near textual interfaces on the web. i know there are a million emails there. i know they are unread. i know many of them have absolutely nothing to do with me... but i dread seeing them. i hate thinking about them building up like ticks on my in box. can you imagine what a dog absolutely covered in ticks looks like? i fucking can and its disgusting. absolutely disgusting. i would rather just throw the dog in a furnace than go to the trouble of de-ticking it into a big bloody but somehow tick free mess. plus my inbox hates me. nothing good ever turns up there. just a whole lot of imperatives.

so thats where ive been. ive essentially been hiding from the internet. but ive buckled down and took it on the chin like a champ and bought a new dog to replace the old one. mass deletion isn't a bad thing. chances are good most of the stuff wouldnt even be relevant since most people i know send emails about things they want or need within a day or two. its the rare email thats even worth archiving if you ask me. ill never understand those people that keep every single email ever. that's just scary. and inefficient. im gonna go eat cake now and temporarily vegitate.

karma 01/02/07

Subject : karma
Posted Date: : Jan 2, 2007 11:58 PM

you owe me one. hardcore. this was supposed to be a happy entry. i had the worst field trip of my life. it was a good adventure, but good adventures have hurty endings sometimes...

.... ugh.

more later. go blow yourselves.

and smile. because just when you think you've had the worst day of your life someone actually does. (not that the someone is me, what im trying to say is im still smiling anyway and you should too cuz i know for a fact there is someone out there who had it worse than i did and it pretty much put my troubles into sharp relief)