I continue to ask myself: what the hell am I doing wrong? I don't get it. I think I am assimilating well and then everything falls apart in my palms and I find myself catching bits and ... bits and pieces. Remembering the wrong things and forgetting the right things.
I am you to you and you are me to me and there is a massive disconnect between and it hurts my heart. I've been trying to do it through emulation and it has failed and succeeded in many ways. I don't know how to express love or hate appropriately. I feel like, just taking this car ride today, conversations are different and I can't remember part C or A but I can remember part B.
It's tiring. Asking my other selves what happened in hours X toward Y or hours G to H. Does everyone mark hours that way? I don't know. You're just an alcoholic. It goes deeper than that and no, I'm not, but thanks for trying.
It burns my nerves. I don't know when I'm being manipulated. I don't know when it's just bipolarity. Part of why I've taken to writing is that there is an actual record. I get anxious sometimes wondering if the person invited to hang out is the same person that actually shows up or if they know the difference and on top of that it's been a hard pill getting to normal.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong, compounding everything is the idea and manifesto that I am the cat's nipples and I know I'm not. I'm just another john, another burro, another acquaintance and it hurts my heart a lot and I do not know where else to push it.
Everybody wants something from me and all i want to do is slit a throat tonight and wash my hair in the blood, but there's no way I can get away with it tonight or weeks ahead and it's incredibly aggravating and not fair and I don't know what to do about it aside from spinning my wheels.
Brain virus.
Clean with alcohol only. Do not attempt to replace blown fuses. Do not remove access panels. Return to certified mechanic for regular maintenance. Made in the USA.
10/28/13
10/23/13
Bed Time Story 2 (51 text messages to my sister)
It was a routine
take off. The sun was low and behind, about to tuck itself to bed behind the
Monmut mountains edging the salt basin of the Campmine desert
She prepared as usual when her alarm went off at five p.m. playing loud, nudging her out of dreams
It was her favorite song. Slow jazz but not easy listening. The woman on the record asked, in her bowling ball tenor rolling across the jazz lounge smoke through flower hats and bow ties "how are youuuu, todaaaaayayeaye. I came here to playaaaaayeaye"
She didn't light up after her hand swiped the red digited clock off her night stand
Today was the same, but a little different. The city lights would be on beneath her. The stars would wink to life above her, but the X-two two four around her was on her maiden record attempt and her nerves were steel.
At the edge, a mistake of any proportion could be fatal. Nerves were unreliable. Senses, however, could get her back home
The briefing went well. She painted her nails a vioently subtle purple while her black coffee steamed in its styrofoam cup while the lieutenant went on and on about the fighter/bombers specifications in front of the touch screen while she tried to find a comfortable way to sit in a plastic folding chair in a room too hot and not think about where in hell the annual budget went
Janice already went over the six hundred page manual twice and knew it backwards and front. she could've Built the damn thing in the time the briefing took.
She blew on her fingertips and sipped some more coffee.
Outside of the bubble canopy, the sun laid deep red and orange streaks across the salt flats, bunkers, and air traffic tower where dinosaur fish hundreds of feet long used to swim.
She whistled her song into her respirator, nodding her head and thinking about how good it would be to touch down and take off her twenty pound helmet.
Glancing left and right, runway lights came to life, she reminded herself she didn't have to wait for the weapons crews to load up the hard points on the X-224s wings. Her wings.
It was not a weapons test. It was a dual test of woman and machine and settling in to her cockpit, adjusting her harnesses, she moved her gloved hand to the throttle without a cloud in the sky
"alright, Lionmane, its just you and me today. Be good.". She toggled her radio switch with a wink to her in helmet display, the dual turbines thrumming quiet as an aeroplane is capable behind her head.
"This is Rainbow Nugget, ready for all go on your signal Walking Stick."
The control tower came back, the controller chuckling at her call sign despite himself, "Rainbow nugget, you are clear for go. Be safe out there. Don't scratch the paint."
"I'll bring him back in one piece, you get the wine cooling. I'm gonna need a pick me up when this is over." she winked again at her visor display and took a deep breath.
Without the crackle of the radio, the jet engine buzz was too quiet. Her left hand flew across the dials and switches on her console, yellow lights blinking softly to solid green.
The chime rang through the cockpit. Lionmane X two two four sighing back "I am ready"
She toggled the brake switch, turned on her wing tip and running lights and hauled on the throttle with her right.
The tower half a mile away tore through her vision as the engines screamed. Water condensed on the canopy front, capturing the sun at her back in burned gold droplets as she broke the sound barrier once and then twice.
She winked her radio back on and barked against the breast squeezing gee force: "systems stable. Vertical climb!"
The X-224s landing gear mashed the sand like a drunk through the middle of a street hanging onto their beau for dear life before finally letting go.
The twin tails streaked into the evening sky as she held the throttle at maximum. The Tower, miles behind, came back. "Rainbow Nugget, you are clear. Have you on the board. You are on pace for time to climb record."
"Systems stable!" she barked back, Earth doing everything it could to collapse her lungs
Over her shoulder, as the engines screamed and the composite alloy frame of the X 224 shook, the sun began to rise over the sloping peaks of the Monmut mountain ridge.
The basin beneath her shrank to a football field and then a coin. She held the throttle down. The Tower came back: "Rainbow Nugget, you are clear, you are clear. Looking good."
Janice grit her teeth, "I know!"
The sun shone like mid day. her visor tinted itself, twin contrails scorching upward. "Afterburn!" she shouted as her pressure suit began to force circulation through her limbs.
With all of the strength she could muster she lifted her hand from the throttle, flipped the clear plastic cover from the bright yellow and black deadmans switch and pressed the lime green button at its center
At the base, 30 pounds of TNT went off over their heads. The control tower shook like a twig in a thunderstorm as the lionmanes engines tore the sky apart and two new stars blazed to life in the evening sky.
The Tower came back, "we have you on visual!" unable to contain their calm.
Janice held her thumb to the switch and touched the stick with the gentleness of a mother cleaning a kitten.
The canopy turned, too quickly at first, and more slowly. Janice gave a ferocious glance across the console before risking turning her head away.
The canopy spun at her fingertips and as she climbed the sun set again behind the shadow of her wing tip.
The sky began to darken and the lights of Santa Monica, Las angeles, Eugene, San Antonio, Austin, and Denver grew brighter and brighter. "Where's Mexico city," she chuckle rasped to herself.
"Rainbow Nugget, you've got the record, bring him in whenever you're green." She nodded, tearing her eyes away from the ground.
"I hear!" she barked, not yet ready. The sky turned blue and then black and in that midnight blanket the stars came to life in front of her.
All around they shined with a brilliance that pulled at her heart harder and harder as she held her thumb to the afterburn switch
"Rainbow Nugget, be advised you're running out of air up there."
"Walking Stick, I hear y-" the X- 224s thrashing rumble ceased.
The g forces crushing her body reversed direction and threw her forward hard enough to send her hand through her head up display atop her console, shattering it
"Rainbow we have you losing speed, copy?"
The stars began to spin outside of the canopy. City lights, then stars, then cities again. Her eyes raced, cueing the visor display to go to this and that menu, lines of information and diagrams and maps whipping by. They raced like one hundred horses loosed from their pens across her in helmet display
Steady green lights turned to flashing yellow and then sharp and solid red. "Rainbow, do you copy??"
as her eyes raced they picked out pieces of information. "Flame out," she shouted to herself as she rammed the throttle to zero and worked her hands across the dials.
"Come back?" the Tower shouted through her earpiece.
"Flameout! Walking Stick! Flameout!" She winked at her visor to close the radio link as her hands continued to work furiously.
The X - 224 no longer arrowed upward. It spun end over end until momentum could carry it no further and began its descent. With no more air to feed engines, the lionmane became a fuel filled 3000 pound free falling bomb
"air brakes," she told herself, "now!" her hands flew and the lionmanes frame rumbled with the back up hydraulic systems effort beneath her ejector seat
"im not giving up on you!" she shouted at her console, her eyes flying behind her visor as the stars spinning outside her canopy began to wink out and the sun began to rise again.
She pumped the fuel from nothing to the kitchen sink as the X 224s end over end flattened out into a frisbee toss. "god damn it, remember!"
Her mind tore through the pages of the manual and the briefing and the sequences as she read her speed by altitude and knew she could fire the landing gear without ripping it clean off.
The city lights slipped completely from view as the Monmut ridge rotated in and out of view
She pumped the fuel from nothing to the kitchen sink as the X 224s end over end flattened out into a frisbee toss. "god damn it, remember!"
Her mind tore through the pages of the manual and the briefing and the sequences as she read her speed by altitude and knew she could fire the landing gear without ripping it clean off.
The city lights slipped completely from view as the Monmut ridge rotated in and out of view
She pulled up her backup head up display inside her helmet and caught her heart in her mouth. The zeroes on the altimeter were disappearing much too fast.
She prepared as usual when her alarm went off at five p.m. playing loud, nudging her out of dreams
It was her favorite song. Slow jazz but not easy listening. The woman on the record asked, in her bowling ball tenor rolling across the jazz lounge smoke through flower hats and bow ties "how are youuuu, todaaaaayayeaye. I came here to playaaaaayeaye"
She didn't light up after her hand swiped the red digited clock off her night stand
Today was the same, but a little different. The city lights would be on beneath her. The stars would wink to life above her, but the X-two two four around her was on her maiden record attempt and her nerves were steel.
At the edge, a mistake of any proportion could be fatal. Nerves were unreliable. Senses, however, could get her back home
The briefing went well. She painted her nails a vioently subtle purple while her black coffee steamed in its styrofoam cup while the lieutenant went on and on about the fighter/bombers specifications in front of the touch screen while she tried to find a comfortable way to sit in a plastic folding chair in a room too hot and not think about where in hell the annual budget went
Janice already went over the six hundred page manual twice and knew it backwards and front. she could've Built the damn thing in the time the briefing took.
She blew on her fingertips and sipped some more coffee.
Outside of the bubble canopy, the sun laid deep red and orange streaks across the salt flats, bunkers, and air traffic tower where dinosaur fish hundreds of feet long used to swim.
She whistled her song into her respirator, nodding her head and thinking about how good it would be to touch down and take off her twenty pound helmet.
Glancing left and right, runway lights came to life, she reminded herself she didn't have to wait for the weapons crews to load up the hard points on the X-224s wings. Her wings.
It was not a weapons test. It was a dual test of woman and machine and settling in to her cockpit, adjusting her harnesses, she moved her gloved hand to the throttle without a cloud in the sky
"alright, Lionmane, its just you and me today. Be good.". She toggled her radio switch with a wink to her in helmet display, the dual turbines thrumming quiet as an aeroplane is capable behind her head.
"This is Rainbow Nugget, ready for all go on your signal Walking Stick."
The control tower came back, the controller chuckling at her call sign despite himself, "Rainbow nugget, you are clear for go. Be safe out there. Don't scratch the paint."
"I'll bring him back in one piece, you get the wine cooling. I'm gonna need a pick me up when this is over." she winked again at her visor display and took a deep breath.
Without the crackle of the radio, the jet engine buzz was too quiet. Her left hand flew across the dials and switches on her console, yellow lights blinking softly to solid green.
The chime rang through the cockpit. Lionmane X two two four sighing back "I am ready"
She toggled the brake switch, turned on her wing tip and running lights and hauled on the throttle with her right.
The tower half a mile away tore through her vision as the engines screamed. Water condensed on the canopy front, capturing the sun at her back in burned gold droplets as she broke the sound barrier once and then twice.
She winked her radio back on and barked against the breast squeezing gee force: "systems stable. Vertical climb!"
The X-224s landing gear mashed the sand like a drunk through the middle of a street hanging onto their beau for dear life before finally letting go.
The twin tails streaked into the evening sky as she held the throttle at maximum. The Tower, miles behind, came back. "Rainbow Nugget, you are clear. Have you on the board. You are on pace for time to climb record."
"Systems stable!" she barked back, Earth doing everything it could to collapse her lungs
Over her shoulder, as the engines screamed and the composite alloy frame of the X 224 shook, the sun began to rise over the sloping peaks of the Monmut mountain ridge.
The basin beneath her shrank to a football field and then a coin. She held the throttle down. The Tower came back: "Rainbow Nugget, you are clear, you are clear. Looking good."
Janice grit her teeth, "I know!"
The sun shone like mid day. her visor tinted itself, twin contrails scorching upward. "Afterburn!" she shouted as her pressure suit began to force circulation through her limbs.
With all of the strength she could muster she lifted her hand from the throttle, flipped the clear plastic cover from the bright yellow and black deadmans switch and pressed the lime green button at its center
At the base, 30 pounds of TNT went off over their heads. The control tower shook like a twig in a thunderstorm as the lionmanes engines tore the sky apart and two new stars blazed to life in the evening sky.
The Tower came back, "we have you on visual!" unable to contain their calm.
Janice held her thumb to the switch and touched the stick with the gentleness of a mother cleaning a kitten.
The canopy turned, too quickly at first, and more slowly. Janice gave a ferocious glance across the console before risking turning her head away.
The canopy spun at her fingertips and as she climbed the sun set again behind the shadow of her wing tip.
The sky began to darken and the lights of Santa Monica, Las angeles, Eugene, San Antonio, Austin, and Denver grew brighter and brighter. "Where's Mexico city," she chuckle rasped to herself.
"Rainbow Nugget, you've got the record, bring him in whenever you're green." She nodded, tearing her eyes away from the ground.
"I hear!" she barked, not yet ready. The sky turned blue and then black and in that midnight blanket the stars came to life in front of her.
All around they shined with a brilliance that pulled at her heart harder and harder as she held her thumb to the afterburn switch
"Rainbow Nugget, be advised you're running out of air up there."
"Walking Stick, I hear y-" the X- 224s thrashing rumble ceased.
The g forces crushing her body reversed direction and threw her forward hard enough to send her hand through her head up display atop her console, shattering it
"Rainbow we have you losing speed, copy?"
The stars began to spin outside of the canopy. City lights, then stars, then cities again. Her eyes raced, cueing the visor display to go to this and that menu, lines of information and diagrams and maps whipping by. They raced like one hundred horses loosed from their pens across her in helmet display
Steady green lights turned to flashing yellow and then sharp and solid red. "Rainbow, do you copy??"
as her eyes raced they picked out pieces of information. "Flame out," she shouted to herself as she rammed the throttle to zero and worked her hands across the dials.
"Come back?" the Tower shouted through her earpiece.
"Flameout! Walking Stick! Flameout!" She winked at her visor to close the radio link as her hands continued to work furiously.
The X - 224 no longer arrowed upward. It spun end over end until momentum could carry it no further and began its descent. With no more air to feed engines, the lionmane became a fuel filled 3000 pound free falling bomb
"air brakes," she told herself, "now!" her hands flew and the lionmanes frame rumbled with the back up hydraulic systems effort beneath her ejector seat
"im not giving up on you!" she shouted at her console, her eyes flying behind her visor as the stars spinning outside her canopy began to wink out and the sun began to rise again.
She pumped the fuel from nothing to the kitchen sink as the X 224s end over end flattened out into a frisbee toss. "god damn it, remember!"
Her mind tore through the pages of the manual and the briefing and the sequences as she read her speed by altitude and knew she could fire the landing gear without ripping it clean off.
The city lights slipped completely from view as the Monmut ridge rotated in and out of view
She pumped the fuel from nothing to the kitchen sink as the X 224s end over end flattened out into a frisbee toss. "god damn it, remember!"
Her mind tore through the pages of the manual and the briefing and the sequences as she read her speed by altitude and knew she could fire the landing gear without ripping it clean off.
The city lights slipped completely from view as the Monmut ridge rotated in and out of view
She pulled up her backup head up display inside her helmet and caught her heart in her mouth. The zeroes on the altimeter were disappearing much too fast.
She pumped the
fuel from nothing to the kitchen sink as the X 224s end over end flattened out
into a frisbee toss. "god damn it, remember!"
Her mind tore through the pages of the manual and the briefing and the sequences as she read her speed by altitude and knew she could fire the landing gear without ripping it clean off.
The city lights slipped completely from view as the Monmut ridge rotated in and out of view
"Fire! You son of a bitch, fire!" The fuel light blinked from yellow to green. The main hydraulic light showed solid green.
She tore her respirator from her face. "Start!" she rested her left hand on her ejector lever and hammered the throttle.
Above the tower a roar tore through the late afternoon sky.
Miles up two contrails ran like rails to the east as one and then another sonic boom rattled windows across state lines.
Janice pulled back on the throttle once the lights held and began a slow and looping decent to the salt basin, her heart still pounding.
She winked her radio on. "This is Rainbow Nugget for Walking Stick"
"Walking Stick here."
"Bringing him in."
"We have you on the board, the field is clear Rainbow Nugget. You've got the altitude record too"
The twin turbines thrummed in Janice's ears as she sighed, "glad to hear it," and winked her radio off.
The debriefing was going to be harsh, but no one could ever take the record away from her.
As the tires on the X 224s landing gear hit the salt and sand and rolled the beast along the runway past the control tower, Janice began to whistle and think about sleep. She sang softly as she shut down the engines "how are you today?" and the sun set behind the Monmut mountains
Gnite. <3 div="" u="">Her mind tore through the pages of the manual and the briefing and the sequences as she read her speed by altitude and knew she could fire the landing gear without ripping it clean off.
The city lights slipped completely from view as the Monmut ridge rotated in and out of view
"Fire! You son of a bitch, fire!" The fuel light blinked from yellow to green. The main hydraulic light showed solid green.
She tore her respirator from her face. "Start!" she rested her left hand on her ejector lever and hammered the throttle.
Above the tower a roar tore through the late afternoon sky.
Miles up two contrails ran like rails to the east as one and then another sonic boom rattled windows across state lines.
Janice pulled back on the throttle once the lights held and began a slow and looping decent to the salt basin, her heart still pounding.
She winked her radio on. "This is Rainbow Nugget for Walking Stick"
"Walking Stick here."
"Bringing him in."
"We have you on the board, the field is clear Rainbow Nugget. You've got the altitude record too"
The twin turbines thrummed in Janice's ears as she sighed, "glad to hear it," and winked her radio off.
The debriefing was going to be harsh, but no one could ever take the record away from her.
As the tires on the X 224s landing gear hit the salt and sand and rolled the beast along the runway past the control tower, Janice began to whistle and think about sleep. She sang softly as she shut down the engines "how are you today?" and the sun set behind the Monmut mountains
///Cleveland Lounge - "Drowning (Scuba Mix)" all the best to you on your sleep swim
10/21/13
That Instant
you realize you broke your back up set of headphones. Fu--
and did not plan for it at all.
and did not plan for it at all.
Giddy Up
I've been trying to chart my work books, but I don't want to see them. At all. Fantastic difficulty. I did the first class and the reminder came up to do the second class and I couldn't bring myself to do it. Part of it is horror. Part of it is blatant stupidity. Part of it is just not wanting to know how much further I am going to have to work to get back to zero.
I just want to put my fist through something. Anything! Not even through, but just break my hand. Null it. But I need my hands, both of them. And I need the ability to ambulate. I need my knees and my elbows and I have to protect them the same way people protect their investments. It breaks my heart sometimes knowing that I can't do what I need to do. It makes me cry a lot. I won't go to "it's not fair" because it's just a fact. I could probably cut a finger off. I think I would save it. Maybe eat it. Cook it somehow like a ham hock. Stew it or something. It's tantalizing and aggravating because I know where the knuckles join and have cut limbs apart before but I don't trust my left hand to operate the scissors on my right hand. Maybe just the pinky.
Gauging my pain threshold. I'm still not sure where it is exactly and I probably shouldn't be losing sleep about it, but I am. I think I get that from my father. How far are you willing to go before you jump to get what you need. Would I have to cauterize it myself? Probably. I don't know why I need to do these things, but I do and its getting more powerful and harder to swallow it down between suggestions. I don't know what that means! It scares me. It's getting harder to pretend to be normal. Normative? Baseline. Nullification. Talked to Martin about that for a while. It was a good conversation.
Relying more and more on emulation and I'm afraid I will be found out. Not about being gay or anything that trivial, but being found out about being a fucking psychopath. I want blood all the time, I don't care how it comes. I need help. I need assistance and I keep saying I can run this car until the wheels fall off, but I've been rolling on brake discs forever. So many years.
It would be easier if I was not aware of the degeneration, but I think a piece of the awareness has lent itself to a belief that I'm making it up and even as I'm speaking I know it sounds contrived. It isn't. It's motor and I know less and less how to change the fucking oil. I don't know what to do about it. I know where to go, but you better believe I'm not going there. Like I need more debt, don't make me laugh. I'll spit ice tea everywhere. I'm not getting interned again! No! I will never put down the ax! If you want it out of my hands you better be fucking prepared to take it from me.
I'm not a gun, but I will put one between your eyes and kiss you while I do it if you think it was going to be that easy. Don't touch me. Do not fucking touch me. Ever. I will break your fingers one by one while I sit on your chest so you don't move too much. Escalation. Take the escalator back down.
I know what's wrong with me, but I need a checkup and I don't know where to get one without the internment trap. I'm not doing that again. We're not doing that again. Just handle it. Just grab your ears and pull up your socks and eat it. Life hasn't been all that bad to me. I'm just tired of having to emulate to squeak by. Doing it by the skin of my teeth and I'm pretty sure some people have started to see through it so I have to work harder at it because the people that I do love I love dearly and want to keep them and want them to keep me to and the last thing that should happen is giving them a reason.
It's tough. Everything worth having is hard. Is a myth. Perpetuated by people who think "difficult" is possession in the material sense or the kid rearing sense. Everything worth having is hard in the interpersonal intrapersonal sense. Having ground you do not need to give inside your skull is worth having. Maintaining relationships with the people you care about and trust is worth having. Put in work, no doubt, but put in secondary work too.
///Amon Tobin - "Back from Space" I wish I could fly, but not just to the atmosphere, to the stars. I want to explore the Oort cloud and be the first man to land on an asteroid and be out there in the zero cold and see the sun without atmospheric interference. I want to see Jupiter up close at all costs and I want to die out there. But I'm stuck here. And have to keep coming back to this fucking planet every time I wake up. Bullshit.
I just want to put my fist through something. Anything! Not even through, but just break my hand. Null it. But I need my hands, both of them. And I need the ability to ambulate. I need my knees and my elbows and I have to protect them the same way people protect their investments. It breaks my heart sometimes knowing that I can't do what I need to do. It makes me cry a lot. I won't go to "it's not fair" because it's just a fact. I could probably cut a finger off. I think I would save it. Maybe eat it. Cook it somehow like a ham hock. Stew it or something. It's tantalizing and aggravating because I know where the knuckles join and have cut limbs apart before but I don't trust my left hand to operate the scissors on my right hand. Maybe just the pinky.
Gauging my pain threshold. I'm still not sure where it is exactly and I probably shouldn't be losing sleep about it, but I am. I think I get that from my father. How far are you willing to go before you jump to get what you need. Would I have to cauterize it myself? Probably. I don't know why I need to do these things, but I do and its getting more powerful and harder to swallow it down between suggestions. I don't know what that means! It scares me. It's getting harder to pretend to be normal. Normative? Baseline. Nullification. Talked to Martin about that for a while. It was a good conversation.
Relying more and more on emulation and I'm afraid I will be found out. Not about being gay or anything that trivial, but being found out about being a fucking psychopath. I want blood all the time, I don't care how it comes. I need help. I need assistance and I keep saying I can run this car until the wheels fall off, but I've been rolling on brake discs forever. So many years.
It would be easier if I was not aware of the degeneration, but I think a piece of the awareness has lent itself to a belief that I'm making it up and even as I'm speaking I know it sounds contrived. It isn't. It's motor and I know less and less how to change the fucking oil. I don't know what to do about it. I know where to go, but you better believe I'm not going there. Like I need more debt, don't make me laugh. I'll spit ice tea everywhere. I'm not getting interned again! No! I will never put down the ax! If you want it out of my hands you better be fucking prepared to take it from me.
I'm not a gun, but I will put one between your eyes and kiss you while I do it if you think it was going to be that easy. Don't touch me. Do not fucking touch me. Ever. I will break your fingers one by one while I sit on your chest so you don't move too much. Escalation. Take the escalator back down.
I know what's wrong with me, but I need a checkup and I don't know where to get one without the internment trap. I'm not doing that again. We're not doing that again. Just handle it. Just grab your ears and pull up your socks and eat it. Life hasn't been all that bad to me. I'm just tired of having to emulate to squeak by. Doing it by the skin of my teeth and I'm pretty sure some people have started to see through it so I have to work harder at it because the people that I do love I love dearly and want to keep them and want them to keep me to and the last thing that should happen is giving them a reason.
It's tough. Everything worth having is hard. Is a myth. Perpetuated by people who think "difficult" is possession in the material sense or the kid rearing sense. Everything worth having is hard in the interpersonal intrapersonal sense. Having ground you do not need to give inside your skull is worth having. Maintaining relationships with the people you care about and trust is worth having. Put in work, no doubt, but put in secondary work too.
///Amon Tobin - "Back from Space" I wish I could fly, but not just to the atmosphere, to the stars. I want to explore the Oort cloud and be the first man to land on an asteroid and be out there in the zero cold and see the sun without atmospheric interference. I want to see Jupiter up close at all costs and I want to die out there. But I'm stuck here. And have to keep coming back to this fucking planet every time I wake up. Bullshit.
10/14/13
Coming Back
Your customer service representative will be with you in a moment. Please stand by. We are aware that you are having some problems with your account and we very much enjoy your business and you are a valued customer. Please hold while the next available representative ...
finishes their shit. I cant slam my phone on the coffee table hard enough without breaking it. I hate dealing with people. I love dealing with people. Nothing happened to me, everything happened to me.
Please hold. I don't know what songs you like, but here, have this one. It's an elevator and a stabilizer so enjoy it for a minute while we talk about your request and jump around it for a while and weasel. Okay, that's fine. I'm glad I chabbed up on something to munch. I'll hold. Please, continue. It's not like I had something to grind on today. Not at all. I'm just blowing in the wind, but okay. Please hold, please hold.
We are experiencing some technical difficulties, but here, this is the weather for the next nine days and 22 hours. Here's the news. In case you were wondering, nothing has changed so here's more of it. Smile a little? Here's more junk. Here's what time it is and here are some pundits and here is some humor. Here's some tosh and some cartman. Here's bart and toys turned into cartoons and cartoons turned into toys. Here's PBS and here's NOVA and here's are you being swerved.
Enjoy. Here's ducks and hitler and dams and bridges and pawn shops and tits and dicks and marriages and food and chores and nannies and dads and children and scooby fucking doo and courage and beers and beers and beers and liquor and shampoo and lipstick and gloss and appliances and payment plans and retirement and cars and shrimp and outings and beef and socks and shirts and underwear and
I can't take it anymore. I can't eat anything anymore. I used to starve myself because I was paranoid about my weight and now I can't eat anymore because everything is getting shoved down my throat. I can't do it. I can do it. Everytime they ask me if I want to go out to eat I just fucking can't and I don't know how to explain it. I can't eat anymore! Fuck. I'm sorry, I want to and would love to, but I cannot fucking afford it anymore and on top of that I cannot digest it. Fuck. Sorry. No. No mores. Can't do it.
Do you want to go to the bar? No! Do you want grab lunch? No! I'm buying some food at Burger King, do you want anything? No! No! No1 Stop asking. Please! At the same time, though, I run headlong into a problem. How will you see them when they're not eating or barring or ... it burns!!! It's not fair at all. I'm trooping it and trying to be friends and I'm literally getting eaten.
However, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I understand that. At what cost? At what fucking cost? I'm coming back and I know I love to laugh and I know things can be easy, but I want what I wants and it's not expensive at all and I don't get why everyone is charging so much sometimes when all I want is a scratch off. Jesus. If I can navigate a day, alright. Sweet. Stop stomping on me. I didn't want a fight, but hey, you got one on your hands now. It turns me inside out sometimes trying to break down differences in understanding. Yes, no one asked me to. I get that too.
But if we're going to live on the same planet we better be seeing something close to eye to eye because otherwise you or I got's to go. I've missed so many people for so long I just can't do it anymore. I've accidentally estranged and shoved away some people too. People that I couldn't afford to lose, but I was so wrapped up in being myself I forgot that the planet is a shared one. I forgot about their knuckles and their dreams and tore my skin up and I'm just now getting back.
Pluto is great. It's a fine place to stay. Unlike New York, you can actually Winter over there and not get sick of yourself and population. I don't care about being the first man on Venus or Titan, but I would volunteer to go if only to be alone and reasonably so. Not needing a reason to have to be there. Meltdown much? I know I have a brain made of glass. That's probably why she moved on. Falling asleep in class wasn't an action as much as a symptom. I wasn't born this morning, but I did stay up all night.
Shadow people. Courage the cowardly dog. My favorite color is still yellow. I'll get there. I'm coming back. Out of orbit and nothing but gravity. This is not my planet, but I live on it sometimes. This is not my jail, but I walk in it sometimes.
///DJ? Acucrack - "Time For You to Leave" ... turn the radio on, turn the radio off but you never never... I don't know if thems the lyrics but this song is close to my heart.
finishes their shit. I cant slam my phone on the coffee table hard enough without breaking it. I hate dealing with people. I love dealing with people. Nothing happened to me, everything happened to me.
Please hold. I don't know what songs you like, but here, have this one. It's an elevator and a stabilizer so enjoy it for a minute while we talk about your request and jump around it for a while and weasel. Okay, that's fine. I'm glad I chabbed up on something to munch. I'll hold. Please, continue. It's not like I had something to grind on today. Not at all. I'm just blowing in the wind, but okay. Please hold, please hold.
We are experiencing some technical difficulties, but here, this is the weather for the next nine days and 22 hours. Here's the news. In case you were wondering, nothing has changed so here's more of it. Smile a little? Here's more junk. Here's what time it is and here are some pundits and here is some humor. Here's some tosh and some cartman. Here's bart and toys turned into cartoons and cartoons turned into toys. Here's PBS and here's NOVA and here's are you being swerved.
Enjoy. Here's ducks and hitler and dams and bridges and pawn shops and tits and dicks and marriages and food and chores and nannies and dads and children and scooby fucking doo and courage and beers and beers and beers and liquor and shampoo and lipstick and gloss and appliances and payment plans and retirement and cars and shrimp and outings and beef and socks and shirts and underwear and
I can't take it anymore. I can't eat anything anymore. I used to starve myself because I was paranoid about my weight and now I can't eat anymore because everything is getting shoved down my throat. I can't do it. I can do it. Everytime they ask me if I want to go out to eat I just fucking can't and I don't know how to explain it. I can't eat anymore! Fuck. I'm sorry, I want to and would love to, but I cannot fucking afford it anymore and on top of that I cannot digest it. Fuck. Sorry. No. No mores. Can't do it.
Do you want to go to the bar? No! Do you want grab lunch? No! I'm buying some food at Burger King, do you want anything? No! No! No1 Stop asking. Please! At the same time, though, I run headlong into a problem. How will you see them when they're not eating or barring or ... it burns!!! It's not fair at all. I'm trooping it and trying to be friends and I'm literally getting eaten.
However, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I understand that. At what cost? At what fucking cost? I'm coming back and I know I love to laugh and I know things can be easy, but I want what I wants and it's not expensive at all and I don't get why everyone is charging so much sometimes when all I want is a scratch off. Jesus. If I can navigate a day, alright. Sweet. Stop stomping on me. I didn't want a fight, but hey, you got one on your hands now. It turns me inside out sometimes trying to break down differences in understanding. Yes, no one asked me to. I get that too.
But if we're going to live on the same planet we better be seeing something close to eye to eye because otherwise you or I got's to go. I've missed so many people for so long I just can't do it anymore. I've accidentally estranged and shoved away some people too. People that I couldn't afford to lose, but I was so wrapped up in being myself I forgot that the planet is a shared one. I forgot about their knuckles and their dreams and tore my skin up and I'm just now getting back.
Pluto is great. It's a fine place to stay. Unlike New York, you can actually Winter over there and not get sick of yourself and population. I don't care about being the first man on Venus or Titan, but I would volunteer to go if only to be alone and reasonably so. Not needing a reason to have to be there. Meltdown much? I know I have a brain made of glass. That's probably why she moved on. Falling asleep in class wasn't an action as much as a symptom. I wasn't born this morning, but I did stay up all night.
Shadow people. Courage the cowardly dog. My favorite color is still yellow. I'll get there. I'm coming back. Out of orbit and nothing but gravity. This is not my planet, but I live on it sometimes. This is not my jail, but I walk in it sometimes.
///DJ? Acucrack - "Time For You to Leave" ... turn the radio on, turn the radio off but you never never... I don't know if thems the lyrics but this song is close to my heart.
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