Impossible Happens, Sort Of

Remember all of those changes I promised before? Well I do. I'm not going to quote myself. That would just be arrogant. Sort of. But the point is I've been staying up way too late so I'm going to sleep right now. I've been practicing with the brand spanking new used pen tablet and I am loving it like pedophiles love the portrait offices at Wal Mart. I thought it would months or years before I ever got a chance to use one, but I was gifted one by a pal I went to high school with. Easily the best thing that's happened to me this year. I am so excited to play with it some more.

Here's the first thing I made with it:



Ultimately that will end up being the background for auralport.blogspot.com, a.k.a. the poetry corner thingy. Aren't you proud of me? Well I'm proud of me. I mean if I had to pick a guy and the only criteria the head office gave me was that they wanted a winner who could also punt a baby over a small house in a pinch I would definitely pick me. Plus if you ever found yourself stranded in some Russian frontier town and the only thing standing between us and death by murderous drunk Siberian bear men was an Indiana Jones style drinking contest I would win it by a mile and instead of getting killed we'd get that weird amulet thing and find the ark and then take over the world and then fire our boss and then make me permanent employee of the month and change the future employees of the month to assistants to the employee of the month and the only thing I would have the assistants do is battle to the death using only supplies found in the supply closet and all for my personal amusement because I am more awesome than that evil guy in The Road Warrior.

In short: raucous applause for this guy. Did I say 5 days to implement all of those changes? I think I did. How about tomorrow? Tomorrow will be the big day.

And of course, my apologies for the poetry. Updates will now resume their daily march.

///Four Tet - "Glue of the World" I love it when a song is well mastered and then the producer turns it lo-fi and you get all kinds of interference and a glossless lossy sound and it pulls the whole track together and sets it apart from the realm of atmospheric and puts it squarely in the realm of meaningful whether the song's author injected the meaning and emotion or not. It sounds cheesy to say, but it reminds me of a choose your own adventure book except instead of the song writer telling you how to feel, the song writer is asking you how it makes you feel.

Changes in the Wrx

Some changes are in the wings. Waiting in the wings? Maybe. Change number one is (did you see it already) syntax! Yay, you sort of guessed it or something. In an effort to make myself more readable I'm giving up the ban on capitalization. As much as I feel philosophically opposed to capitalization of anything, especially God, I would also like to make myself as readable as possible. So capitalization and punctuation are in, cloudy and poorly defined philosophy of the meaning of text and identity as it relates to textual information is out.

I've realized that much of life is doing what works first followed by doing what holds meaning to you. That philosophy trumps my previous philosophy of self expression. Or, at least, it already trumped it in real life so it only makes sense that it would and should bear itself out in other lives I have.

The other changes are top secret. that's right. for British eyes only. but ill give you a hint. its a new banner to replace that red and black crusty one up there. And im gonna get rid of that, for lack of a better word, thing at the bottom that obstructs the text. I never liked it, and now that I want to move toward a cleaner design I like it even less. In the thankfully unmemorable words of one of the many senseless singles Janet Jackson has produced through the years: "its all for you"


Change number three is so secret I haven't even thought about what it might be. Oh yes I have. A sister blog. I know I'll inevitably slump again, so I am going to make a sister page just for the good stuff. Want a time table for all of this magic? Give me five days and I'll paint this screen with so much brain matter you'll wish you opted for the complimentary combination lab goggle-nocs.

Change number four is going to be a shift toward more upbeat things. Talking about a situation that changes about as often as- hold on, I was going to say a glacial landscape, but Al Gore's enviro sense probably would have shot him through with worse pain than a day of eating nothing but nuts, berries, cheap tequila and Mexican food. Do over. Talking about a situation that changes about as often as the score in a crappy World Cup game is an excellent way to bore people to tears. So instead of talking about what occupies my mind I'm going to talk about what should be occupying my mind. Like books and stories and news and music and sharks with flame throwers mounted on the heads. Interesting things like that are so much more fun than seeing how- nope. Stopping that.


///MC Chris - "MC Chris is Dead" Do you like nerd core rap? Don't know what it is? Now is as good a time as any to get introduced. The beat is good. The lyrics are funny for their seriousness, cleanliness, and delivery. The rest of the album is okay, but this is as good an opening to an album as I've heard through the years. Do listen.

lookin good

finally finished the principal of the thing in the benegon project. feels good to be done with fitting pixel A to pixel B. it looks good though. hopefully moving forward will allow me more time for writing and loving and wandering the other side of consciousness. you know, the side where the wild things grow and come and lick and poke at the membrane around where we live.



i can kind of see how the next 5 years is going to play out. spoiler alert: more losses. did i ever tell you district 9 really touched me. like way deep down? yeah. i almost shed a tear at the end. i wrote an email once to all of my old professors asking for any aid they could possibly offer. one responded out of ten or twelve people. one. and that person's main talking point was: sorry.

researching technical schools ive found they are not cheap and id need a car to get to most of them. im in a camp. i am walled in and held apart from my peers. i dont fucking know why. if i did i would fix it. what are they afraid of? why are people so easily upset? i mean im sure my situation probably makes other people uncomfortable because so little cash would make such a massive difference. but the sum is just large enough to be too much to give away. people probably spend more on cigarettes in a year than i spend on everything combined because im just that broke. well still... theres some hand wringing over that im sure. i avoid talking about it most of the time because its so out there i guess. outside the realm of knowing. im so far away from my socioeconomic peers i stand out like a burnt out house in a neighborhood of gated homes. its not that im too lazy to fix my god damn windows, its that the only thing i can afford is a slab of plywood. you try not to let it color your experiences and temper your relationships but it does. its like having a broken pen in your laundry. no amount of balling up the fabric will prevent it from staining. the viciousness of life does not cease to amaze me. the foulness of our fellow man did a long time ago.

whats the fix. whats the fix. whats the fix. how am i supposed to fix this? do i stay? do i leave? to where? my head hurts. i dont want to lose friends, but sometimes i wonder if friends want to lose me. loss and dealing with loss is something that i dont do well. who does? its crushing to live in such a small box and unreasonable to think others should think of you when you yourself are never around. its like im shouting from the bottom of this well and asking what happened in the news today. eventually the people around me get tired of me asking and they wander away. i guess all i can really do is keep talking so i dont forget what my thoughts sound like.

enough of that depressing shit. in other news... now that i have some design time free for a little while im going to redo the poetry page layout over at the auralport.blogspot.com and have it play off of and into this and itll be one big sexy party of thoughts and words and colors and strikes.... and when youre knee deep in rainbow colored vaginas and unicorns and giant robots and mushroom clouds youll weep tears of solid gold and ill say pretty please while a sky diving t rex plays the greatest guitar solo ever heard.



maybe not that awesome. but hopefully itll be close. god damn it while i was drawing that i inevitably came back around to the black hole in the middle of my life. this is what ive realized: normal people dont like hanging out in hospitals. even on star trek no one hung out at sick bay (unless they were simply bat shit crazy or had no friends) sooo i cant really expect people to want to hang out with someone who is constantly on the verge of ... ah fuck it. im too sleepy to get into this shit. when is it alright to ask someone if you'll ever get back together when you already know the answer? it just goes round and round and round and one of these days im just going to smash it into my desk with a claw hammer and shovel the guts out the window. but till then

///the seatbelts - "forever broke" sunset on 8mm film sounds like this.

lit channel and ladytron and poetry

poetry channel is open @ auralport.rss on the right hand side of oem fail. the feed carries the latest bit of poetry ive shared. ill post one a day of all the old ones i wrote up through highschool and into college and then ill start writing and sharing some new ones. the radio dial finally has something else to listen to. im not all questions and rantswers. 7/10ths promise.



doin it this way for two reasons. one: looking back on my old work all i can think is how cheesy and sentimental and terrible it was. but if you ask most writers thats what theyll say about most of their old stuff rereading it years removed. hindsight is 20/20 sure, but it also makes you forget the things that were good about ... well whatever. some of it really is just shitty, but im losing focus again. REASON ONE: (im yelling at myself, yes) i get all the embarrassment out of the way first. reason two: having embarrassed myself beyond repair itll be way easier to write and share new things.

so what else is new? fuck you thats what else. nah im kidding. thats just self loathing pushing out of my throat like a half pound burger bubbling on a pony keg of warm beer. not that i had that today. what did i have today? i had a dream about murder and betrayal and a big orange and black cat. there was a lot of blood. i didnt mean to rat them out, but i didnt want to get shot either. i mean if i had to choose... ill tell you about it. ill write about it. rss for the story site is coming soon. that is 9/10ths a promise. id go so far as to say 10/10ths. we're wonderful together. or dysfunctional. maladjusted. i dont fear god. i fear what god makes people do.

///ladytron - "skools out" you know, movin on from the academic promised land and the baggage and the rails and the contracts and the debts of it all... its been freeing. like truly freeing. like the last time i felt this free was the end of highschool almost a decade ago. the simplicity of this song. the tiny keyboard. the graininess. it captures that feeling. that whiff of undeveloped potential to be and do anything or nothing while you watch the sun set and touch a flame to a cigarette you didnt really earn but are gonna smoke anyway because the moment is right and no one can tell you different because they know it too. its good to let go when you actually have the power to make the choice.

one more day [fail]

i couldnt do it tonight. its 3.20 in the morning. ill be back tomorrow though. by god, ill have an rss feed reader if it severely inconveniences me (or kills me. unlikely but ill throw it out there anyway.)

///danger mouse & sparklehorse - "insane lullaby" beautiful song to pass out to.

totally, like, LEGIT legit

okay soooo whatve we gotten ourselves in 7 days of pure knuckle busting, cant-eat-now-cuz-im-so-close-to-getting-this-code-to-work, head banging, brain melting industriousness?

we've got a proto website to replace benegon.com and finally begin to close that chapter of debts owed... but also open the chapter on graphic/web dev resume. i do know that i dont want to do web development as a career. it strikes me as something that is basically what i just spent the last week doing except cycled through in one day all while trying to explain to mba why he shouldnt fire you but it doesnt really matter because you might as well be speaking sign language to a blind man. not that im biased against blind people. they are fine contributors to society.

you want to see it you say? you didnt say that you say? well okay then. i wont waste your time. buuut i will say this: penis penis penis vagina. hahahaha... okay it wasnt all that funny. in fact i didnt actually laugh. i usually do actually laugh, but not that time.

you know what else happened? ive realized that im never actualy going to make it back to school. isnt that ridiculous? but before you go invoking the raging spirit of the cosby let me just say that it has come to light that their idea was to not provide support for higher education at all. wish i'd known that 7 years ago. note to parents if youve not bothered to listen to anything before now, listen to this: dont push your kids to excel if youre not prepared to support them. all that bullshit about millions of dollars of scholarships for the taking is exactly that. a million dollars sends 10 kids to top tier schools. well whatever im not even going to go into it lest sir cosby punch me in the nuts while im on the john in some kruger-esque nightmare sequence.

basically ive realized that my abilities over reached the willingness to help and it doesnt matter how hard you drive the car, if there aint no bridge your ass is toast. unless you're driving a flying delorean and your family physician is one dr. emmitt brown. so if i did go to graduate school the same problems would recur and then i would be 200k in the hole instead of 100k. and i dont give a shit how much you love your job that you get with whatever degree. no amount of fun makes up for that much debt. so ive let the dream go. i dont even know if it was my dream to begin with. so once i do find work itll be off to technical school to learn to be a mechanic and spend my time around cars. cuz i do love cars. ive never shared that... havent i? maybe i did. or maybe we just had a moment.

so fuck school (not fuck learning... learning is good. academic pay to play institutions are bad) and fuck debt. all i really wanted to do was fix and modify and race cars. i dont want to be an engineer and design them. i dont care about the fucking calculus that goes into this and that component. i couldnt give two shits about the electrical engineering that makes a speaker work. sure cars are super computerized now, thats fine. that i can handle gladly if it means i get to work on the older cars too. but god damn it fuck school in the ass with a fist full of syringes brimming with hydrochloric acid.

and that right there is how you rant. did not mean to do that. we were doing so well too. what were we talking about... legitimate absences?

so yeah been away for a while but it was to work and while work i did thinking cuz i cant turn my brain off unless i bang my head really hard and even that is rarely satisfying. haha "even" as though it is supposed to be. i found bones in the backyard. ill probably never stop smoking. how about this? ill stop when life stops wailing on my junk harder than a speed bag at pacquiaos personal gym. youd think youd get used to the rhythm over the years, but i promise you, you dont. you just run out of words and expletives.

ohhhhh wait a minute. almost got away. thats what i was gonna do. i had to apologize to you. rss is happening tonight. im not going to sleep until i make it happen. either rss or direct linkage to the rest of the underverse. and thats when ill say "behold, yall!!!!"

///danger doom - "vats of urine" "for i am a rap god, from beyond the moon." one of many potent hilarious quotations available to your ears through the combination of mf dooms sometimes nonsensical lyrics and danger dooms sometimes nonsensical sampling.

progress without masturbation

is no progress at all. said somebody at some point in history. or maybe not. sometimes it bothers me that i cant draw as well as other people



and sometimes i dont really care. and sometimes its depressing. and sometimes i dont really care. would being able to illustrate and paint and do graphic design make my life easier? sure. so would being able to drive a race car or fly a plane or having tits. its just one of those things you gotta learn to get along with without. thats an odd construction. i guess i meant to say get along without.

i dunno. im tired. i have little to say. the week of industry is behind schedule thanks to a design issue and a general lack of code writing acumen. fuck you college. thanks for taking money i still dont have. i shoulda been a mechanic.

whatever. i can always tell when im tired because chewing gum makes my head hurt.

alright well enough whining. thanks for listening to me bitch. heres something for the road if you've got a minute between fap sessions....

///johnny cash - "sam hall" my name it is sam hall, and i hate you one and all; and i hate you one and all. damn your eyes.

gotta love the cash. the man was a musician and a master story teller to boot. and its not even the language that was particularly masterful as much as it is his ability to touch meaning without needing a step ladder and a reacher grabber.

industry, power, respect.

today kicks off a week of industry. my life in its current format leaves very little time (relatively speaking, since if i were an expert in any of this stuff it would probably take me half as much time) for me to actually work on the things i, meeeee, wants to work on. if i could i would love to spend 8 hours doing markup and 4 hours doing art, but unfortunately the litany of job applications and form after form after form after form that has to be filled out leaves me with probably half as much time as i would like.

throw in cooking for sedentary people (two hours minimum average) cleaning up after said people (one hour minimum) plus other inbetween projects as assigned and what do you get? you get not very much time left at all. thats what you get. plus headaches. and rage boners. yeah, i thought it was weird at first too but ill get into that more later.

so anyway. at the risk of having all of my available free time ripped away from me for having jinxed myself i hereby declare this week to be industrialization week.



what this means to you? it means you shoulda bought that rain coat last thursday cuz its about to rain harder than a methane storm on titan. or harder than the main floor at a strip club on 25 cent lap dance night. whichever is more unpleasant in your mind. but thats a good thing though. because its like a dad who goes to beat his kid and the kid cringes but then the dad realizes he forgot to wear a belt to the museum that day so the kid is off the hook... but not like that. better? hmmm lemme start that over.....

what this means to you: this means that this running account will soon feature links to my works of fictions and poetry. maybe through rss... not really sure... but i will learn and when i do you will know because itll be up here. of course with anything i do theres a certain reserved shyness at first. well not everything. that is definitely not true. i love talking about sex. sex sex sex.... whatever im a guy. that just comes with the territory. seeeeex. penis penis penis penis LOL sorry . .... uhm where was oh yeah... so with sharing the fiction though, thats always a difficult thing for me. mainly because i failed the fiction segment of the degree i didnt get. go figure. i shoulda been a mechanic. its not too late though. actually when i do get a job i will probably go to technical school and just keep writing because i love it and would be doing it anyway.

sooo uhmmmmmm that is some seriously loose thinking up there.

recap? is that even necessary? probably. in summation

over the next 5 - 7 days i hope to give you access to my fiction, because i love you, thats why. i would be not telling the truth if i said i didnt care if you liked it or not. but i would also be not not telling the truth if i said ... what would i say there ... i thought i had a contrast going. apparently not.

time to move my third world media country into my second world. with strippers. and black jack. and cotton candy... but mostly cotton candy.

///bonobo - "pickup" thats that shiiiit. that beat and that flute together that just make you wish you coulda been at a house party in a sweaty basement with some young dj who had an ear and no cred who ripped it up every night with class and panache and who now graced you with rhythm so fresh you could have swore he knew you'd meet the girl you were dancing with that very night out on the porch and that she would love that song just as much as you did and that right when things were about to get awkward it would be the perfect spell to cast on her body. i dunno. lol. this song just puts me in a flow coma. whatever i was doing before it came on temporarily ceases so i can give my brain full capacity to bounce from beat to beat and dip in between the bass trees chasing after the flighty notes of the flute.

dear (______):

dear weekend,

being unemployed i didnt think i would be happy to see you. i thought the weekdays were just like you. but you know what? you still feel different to me, and thats why we should stay together.

dinner and a movie. my place.

predetermination? or something worse

okay so lets begin by saying drastic action isnt necessary and probably will never be. its more of a convenience kind of thing and its a convenience that i will likely never be able to afford... since when every day is the worst day of your life pretty much any day could be an improvement on that so you have to hang on for one more day and unfortunately the only thing that matters is asking yourself that question. meanwhile other people get to actually live you have to keep saying to yourself hmmm i guess ill stick around for another day cuz "what if tomorrow is the day?"

well the answer to that question today is no. today was not the day. inevitably the universe threw me a shovel instead of a ladder and things just got uglier. its not worth going into. just imagine a very nasty person, who you know is a bad person, like an actual bad person, and then imagine that this bad person turns out to be even worse than you thought and that this person is in all likelihood even worse than the new information indicates. thats what today was. so not only has nothing improved but things have gone a good distance farther in reverse.

which really makes me ask as my empire of shit continues to somehow lol to somehow get shittier .... is that possible... hahaha... well apparently it is... but anyway ... this makes me ask my fellow man, the world, and the universe "is this predetermination or something waaay shittier?" are people just this bad or am i somehow a magical catalyst that causes people to do shitty things to me. i know there's agency in there. i wont deny that at all. but i try to put out constantly happy vibes. well not happy... but positive vibes. i am genuinely generous with what little shit i do have.... i mean was i just born without the "good fortunate" receiver antenna installed? and i dont mean that nothing good ever happens. or even ever happens to me because good things do happen, but its a lot like this:

there is an ice cream cone with your favorite flavor on top of a stick, but the stick is electrified and licking it will close a circuit that will give you a mildly unpleasant shock even as your enjoying it. and then before and after every lick you have to close your eyes and a person you may or may not know will punch you directly in the face but youll never know because your eyes are closed. what you do know is that the ice cream was soo good. but you lost teeth and got shocked just to taste it.

so is it then a matter of memory. forget the bad and remember the good? maybe. but thinking about how much you love the smell of flowers wont outweigh the experience of standing waste deep in fecies for a day in any persons memory.



its been a pretty steady trajectory. ive fought it, ive at times just gone with it, but that never lasted. i hated knowing that i wasnt doing anything to fight it. fighting it is the only thing i can do. i mean, i hate to even suggest it, because i know its complicated, but maybe people are just on the whole kind of douchey. id like to think i was just like everyone else. i really would. cuz then things would be different, but somehow im not like anyone else. but how do you fix that. does it even matter? probably not in a perfect world but how far away from that are we? we're in like a whole nother evil alternate time line or something. but am i not standing out enough? am i standing out too much? am i too this or not enough that? just be yourself. well thats what ive been doing and it aint working. everything that starts off okay eventually explodes, tears itself apart, gets crashed by me or someone else, or otherwise derails in grand 30s-early-film-head-on-train-collision style. does that mean that i just hate people? what the hell does it mean? nothing? luck isnt real... but ive chased opportunity. every single one. the only limiting factor being my own body's fatigue and geographical considerations and ive thrown that to the wind before too. sooo what the fuck.

lets just say its not predetermination. lets just say that genetics, race, income, and personality have nothing to do with it. that only leaves nurturing and outside forces. so if its not me or at least not entirely me then its them. the parents. they must be the other force like dead planets orbiting a star and altering its celestial corse ever so slightly. if someone suggested this years ago i would have at least made the case for an alternative but now... seeing it happen upclose and receiving details of locked away secrets.... it is. it really is the case. has to be. the world is simply too random to have a 15 year stretch of not so great outcomes.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. what the hell. ive bucked my head against so many walls i should honestly have no brain function left. and yet here i am still. unkillable. i feel like ive already lived forever. i would trade a raging alcoholic for one or both of the people that birthed me. at least then the reasons would be more obvious. and theyd be dead by now.

///school of seven bells - "face to face on high places" the song itself embodies the movement from one life to another. the title just makes me think of meeting up with friends and finally finally Finally!!!! having nothing serious to hide because it would kill the get together if i let it out wrong. and i just relish the thought of hanging out on a hill in a park in the summer with the wind and frisbees and girls and boys and just being. even the lyrics are reflective of the theme and actually poetically pretty engaging from a literary stand point. i dunno. i think im just waxing philosophical. nothing else much to do in the wreckage except poke the cinders now and then to make sure where your sitting is no longer on fire.

for the record, fear, and friends

i was poking my face bones today wondering if the weight ive lost from being starved was showing up in hollow eye sockets or ripped abs (i know right, shits ridiculous, life is awful, and somehow i have to continue laughing because the ridiculousness just continues to grow by leaps and bounds that are unbelievable even as they are coming out of my mouth and mind) and for the record if i ever do have a daughter she's going to have awesome cheekbones.

also "fear is the little death that brings total obliteration." nice quote.

my nerves are shot. i jump when people say hello to me. i jump when my phone rings out loud.

some new friends are coming over. theyre very short friends. well i guess theyre friends.

the thing is i suppose i want everybody to be a friend which, i know, duh, is not possible and is unrealistic and a lot of other things. you know the crest of understanding, that point at which each person can be understood or framed within the context of their experiences relative to your own?, yeah that thing, i think i cant even really begin to understand the future ramifications of everything happening now at the bottom of the well. well not so much understanding but the lacking of the focus of ... uhm... somethings missing there. no, there was something there, but now there is a definite hmm space. black spot. not even but you know hmm well you dont make friends with salad. but i suppose you could theoretically keep friends with salad once they got older and health conscious.



so much changed in two weeks. not even changed as much as grown into worse things, but theyre still the same things. but none of it really for the better. pessimonster lurks. nah but seriously. to even attempt to pursue an optimistic route is like dancing the jitterbug on top of a trench wall in the middle of 1916. yous is asking for trouble.

i used to be scared of a lot of things. nothing scares me anymore. im sure theres still time to learn new fears. but till then the situation is this. fire burns so dont put it in your hand. knives cut so dont stick them up your nose. noise can rupture your ear so dont turn up the music too loud. that kind of stuff. im not afraid of those things. sometimes i cant even convince myself of the why nots beyond making interaction easier. no vacuums. i havent been very useful over the past couple entries. im gonna fix that. im gonna fix you good. real good. heres some bullshit for you. or chicken soup for your cancer. i havent been nice. but the universe started it. im gonna finish it. when i was little my main goal was world annihilation. ive gotten off track. hahahaha. obviously.

my point is though if i ever get to a point where having a kid becomes the right thing to do which it never will that kid is going to have some fucking ridiculously awesome cheekbones cut from a granite cliff face.

thems cliffs mays nots be made from granite to discalamatize. that sentence was stupid. but entertaining to type. so it stays. im a simple guy to please.

///susumu hirasawa - "hawk in my heart, don't take the moon" from the album virtual rabbit. its one of those songs in another language where it doesnt matter if you know the words or not. you know the feeling. if i knew the words the feeling might be completely oppos... well to hell with all of that. it just takes me mentally to the freedom ive yet to enjoy. its the song that would play right when i finally climb to the mouth of the well and over head there are broken clouds and the smell of something besides my own wastes and the dead water and the bricks that have been skinning my knuckles and knees slides across my cheek and i can really genuinely and spontaneously smile. not to be a total downer or anything. lol. thats what im saying. i know it could be worse. but how much worse is honestly approaching a matter of splitting hairs and a couple hundred dollar bills.

oh yeah, i fixed the link situation that hadnt occured to me up till today. now links open in new windows. yay.

stray cats and dogs

as any stray will tell you "sometimes you eat the city and sometimes the city eats you". orrr well they could also say "sometimes you eat cat and sometimes you eat dog, but the important thing is to ... to uhm... eat ... something?" no that doesnt sound right. okay, starting over.

as any stray will tell you "sometimes you eat cat and sometimes you eat dog and sometimes animal control comes when you least expect it." the thing to remember though is to not use the word though too much cuz it links too many thoughts together into schemes that demand a certain countervailing quality of each other that is not always expressly present and can add a lot of processing time to otherwise simple conjunctions. the thing to really remember is that animal control's existence implies that animals cant control themselves. the challenge is to exert that control. the premise is that being a stray who is more often caged than free to roam can that control be reliably exerted. the conclusion is that it would make an interesting movie. the hook is what happens when the stray is permanently freed from the cage and are the cage wardens aware of what will happen.



well lets not go so far as to say will. every day of roaming is learning to control. where and where not to go. who and who not to talk to. what and what not to talk about. when to arrive and when to leave. and that learning cant happen from inside a room with one window, a floor cot, a bent desk, and more free weights than physical places to take my body with the strength they build. buuut i dunno im getting all muddy... am i really sure what will happen? not totally. but one thing i do know is we cant live if we're too afraid to die.

so i guess fire at will and from all sides. hunt the wounded, slay the dieing, and long live the god of all strays who lives neither by law nor moral. where did that come from? i dont know. in the pantheon of apparitions and visions im pretty sure ive seen him. maybe. philosophy has never been a strong point for me. probably a ticklish point. it smells here. sometimes your free to go, but to where?

how about enjoying the moment for once. there are times when i forget that moments are connected because i fight day and night for freedom from that chain and when i succeed everything turns into a beautiful and savory instant. the hard part is turning off the part of your brain that forces you into remembrance. i thought about crying the other day, but then i couldnt so i didnt. oh well. maybe this week is the week we finally get to meet each other for real?

///unkle - "safe in mind" not to start you off with another unkle track but if you listen to the end there is an excellent quote from the film "fallen" with denzel and john goodman (great movie in my opinion. dont let the budget fool you)


"I like the night. The street. The smells. The sense.. Of another world. Sometimes you come face to face with yourself" i wish i could show you through my eyes that the other world is.


but i still havent really explained where ive been. ive been gone, exploring, tracking, learning in other states. still no new home yet. im sorry i didnt tell you but a lot of bad things happened before i could get a chance to say a proper goodbye. but im back now sooo next time i go out to space ill let you know first.

well what the hell heres another one:

///dj danger mouse - "what more can i say" jayz's lyrics, beatles bricks, and danger's architecture. "we'll see what happens when i no longer exist."

dear (______):

dear C wrench. im sorry you had to get involved. nothing personal. and i dont think we should see each other anymore.