AUTHOR.CALHO: If I didn't write it, I would be hitch hiking cross country to Maine and then Alaska in that order. While taking frequent breaks to spread leaflets. And sit in diners. And write on things because I wasn't at a computer. I may still do that in a few years. Writing this also helps me forget about and better understand the limitations of being human, and keeps me busy enough to allow me no free time to burn the world down.

THEMATIC.ABOUT : Collapse often. The things that hold people together and hold them apart and scatter brains. The things that make thoughts go boom. The things that ooh and aah and [expletive deleted]. Sometimes poking around the margins where responsibility ends and the only one to look to is the Original Equipment Manufacturer and say "but, I already pressed 9 for more options and the menus are exactly the same. Can you just replace it?" The answer will be: "please hold." Sometimes hanging out in dark corners. Sometimes following the train tracks. Looking for ways out and ways in and all the while sharing the things seen and heard and done and drawn and written and scorched and healed and teased and caged and dreamed along the way.

7/30/10

dear (______):

Dear State Farm Insurance Co:

STFU. I don't care how approachable dimples mcsquints pretends to be. I fucking hate him. Mainly because he is a sad mash up of every possible race on Earth. Also because NO ONE WALKS AROUND RANDOMLY TALKING ABOUT INSURANCE. Worst campaign ever.

Hate you.

7/27/10

You've Got To Get Mad

"I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth. Banks are going bust. Shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's no one anywhere that seems to know what to do with us."



Click here to play in new window if video does not play in embedded player.

The first time I heard this monologue was as the lead in to a track by Evol Intent. It's very stirring. In fact the monologue, to me, was so much more intense and meaningful than the token gesturing of the lyrics that followed I wished that, instead of lyrics, they simply allowed more of the monologue to play. The music track is below, synced (not by me) to the visuals. You might have to click through and view it directly on the youtube website if it doesn't play here.



Click thru

Sometimes seeing and hearing things like these and knowing what my own vision is for music and film, I long for a chance to go back in time and make myself put down the calculators and math books and just do the things that came naturally. I wish I could manipulate music and art well enough to create animated films or produce albums or write music. I'm sure I will at some point, but a head start would have been nice.

At any rate, hearing the monologue was so stirring in part because I feel like I am definitely in agreement. I don't think the people being gutted and ground up and swallowed and shat out into darkness in this country need to write to congress or go to sit ins or vote for people that will represent them for five minutes before succumbing (of no fault of their own) to the massive under currents of commercial/industrial pocket padding politics. If people being shafted by the education system would simply express their disappointment, their anger, at being farmed, and express it with a sustained voice and intensity there would be a positive response. Same for people getting shafted in the work place or anywhere else.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but so many things really need so much more than a drop of oil. The problem is that people are so content to get their drop of oil, their quick pay off, and then they forget that their problem hasn't been solved. Their problem hasn't even begun to be addressed, but staying angry takes so much effort and why stay angry when you can take your hand job to the bank and buy yourself a big tv and fall asleep again until your conditions become unbearable or swallows another member of your family or short changes you once more.

You've got to get mad, and you've got to be willing and committed enough to stay mad, and that's why I love that song, but I love the monologue even more.

///Amon Tobin - "Verbal (Topo Gigio Remix)" The original song, featuring MC Decimal was good, but this version takes that song and makes it an anytime anywhere "listen to it twice in a row 'cause once is never enough" kind of song. The way the bass comes up and swings and swims around your ears you almost feel like you're lying in a river as wide as lake Ontario heading for a waterfall that crashes against rocks so loudly you can't hear it.

7/26/10

Forever and a Day and Bits and Inception

I feel like I've been away from you forever, but this guy has been hard at work producing results through A/B php learning. Well, I made up the part about A/B learning. It wasn't even a nerd joke. I don't know enough about A/B testing to make a joke about it, let alone a joke that stretches its meaning to other boundaries. Why am I even wasting time discussing that? Next song!

So I've learned a lot of php. Not the core packaged functions (I assume there are some basic functions that deal with arrays and maths and sciences and religions like in js), but mostly learning how to construct and pass information, which I can then apply to whatever codex's are available for php projects. All of that is basically a very long winded way of saying I can now manipulate wordpress as a content management system and a blog hosting system, kind of the same way I can manipulate blogger templates.

I took a long ass time to figure it out mainly because I never did it with more than filling out test questions and completing bullshit exercises in mind, but taking the plunge and doing it from the ground up taught me the ins and outs pretty thoroughly as I hoped it would.

What to show for it?

This to show for it: Bits for Flames . A fine skeletal specimen. I don't know why they call frameworks skeletons. It's more of a nude. Well not even that. I'd call it a unpolished nerd waiting for mtv of the early 90s to come along and... not sure what exactly.

And now we move on to the graphics... the part I've been waiting for. Hah, waiting on myself to get to, now that's frustrating: when you are the only person standing in your way.

Picture time:



So the good news is I'll have more time freed up to work on writing. The bad news is the immediate future will be consumed with editing and uploading the story content to Bits. The better news is that once that is done I'm gonna be back on OEM digesting my life and documenting my failings with new verve. Verve is also a word that gets under utilized. So jam it into a sentence tomorrow if you get a chance. Throw in a fist pump too. Or finger guns.

And by the way, Money Never Sleeps looks like its going to be good. Plus I'll tell you if Inception was good or not. You've already seen it, I know, but I'm still going to tell you what you should think, because I can't tell myself what to think. No, that doesn't sound right. What I'm trying to say is: as someone with a checkered mental past, I'll give you my take on a movie about a checkered mental present. That's better.

Since retro movie posters are all the rage, I'll make an Inception themed retro poster. I sort of want to get in on it, but at the same time I feel like it's becoming one of those things thats already exhausted itself. The problem with the internet is that it takes forever to digest the sheer amount of "stuff" out there and at the same time once you find the stuff worth seeing or of interest to you, you're already too late to participate meaningfully because 80% of the internet is populated by critics and 20% by doers. 80/20 comes to bite me in the ass again.

I'm pretty far from my starting point. I'm gonna shut up now and get back to it so we can talk later about something more fun and interesting and depthy. If Anne Coulter ever comes to my front door and says anything even remotely derogatory I'm going to break his nose. For the record. The late nights just keep on rolling.

///Mum - "Sunday Night Just Keeps On Rolling" riding your bike through the night on empty streets with a burly Atlantic breeze beating across the back of your neck and the click of manhole covers beneath your wheels and the u-lock bouncing off the aluminum frame and the bike chain spooling around the drive gear and buzzing through your derailleur all come together and conspire in the orange street lights under pollution lit clouds to sound like this song. Minus the little kid at the end of the youtube video. I hate kids. They get into everything.

7/23/10

dear (______):

Dear Anne Hathaway:

Your eyes are just too damn big. I can't really concentrate on anything else when you're on screen. It's not a good thing.

Sorry.

Sorry-ish.

It's nothing personal.

7/21/10

"Weed Is For Slackers..."

...a good friend of mine once said a long time ago. I wasn't arguing. I think the fist she drove into her open palm for good emphasis was directed mainly at the "across the hall" neighbor (who ended up working for Microsoft somehow) and their fragrant escapades.

Not that you would ever doubt me (or that I would ever doubt myself... EVER...) this is where Bits is at right now. I have not been slacking:



I'm ironing out the php and creating page templates from scritcha scratch so that they do exactly what I want them to, every single time I ask them to. It makes it a little bit easier since I plan on doing all of the graphics for it, but also it'll be a nice thing to put on my resume when it's done. The wealth of knowledge I'm gaining from this project is enormous. At first it was like trying to bite into an uncut watermelon straight off of the vine, but through ceaselessly kicking that mother fucker I've broken it up into pieces that sort of fit in my mouth (or at least fit in my hands comfortably enough to chuck them at the birds outside my window when I get really frustrated, which is almost as satisfying, but I digress).

I now know more about sql, php, js, and web hosting than I ever thought I would. The best thing about it is that sitting down at my terminal feels less like walking up to the black mouth of a cave belonging to an agitated dragon, and feels much more like going to visit a somewhat grumpy uncle. I guess I'm trying to say that the thing has finally become doable. I can look at the code and csv and the tables and css and I can see what they're doing between the lines.

It's like if Tony Montana did so much coke that he finally became permanently wired and no longer needed coke to become super Tony. Or like Peter Pan smoking so much pixie dust that... I'm not really sure if this is making sense anymore. I've been up way too late.

Onward to the morning star. Well I wanted to do a drawing for you. It was going to be a self portrait. Then I wanted to make a teddy bear face. In the end this is what came out of my head. I'm not happy with it. But more than unhappiness, I don't want to have nothing to show for the past hour of my life, sorry in advance:



Hopefully next efforts will turn out better in that department.

///The Orb - "Vuja De" "It's the way that you hold me."

7/19/10

Post-Meta-Psuedo Garbage Nonsense

Nearly a year and a half after the fact, I think I finally understand it. A while back, I flew into an absolute rage over an interpretive classroom discussion about Paul Auster's novel City of Glass and how everyone was going on and on about post-modern this and post-modern that and how the book was a post post-modern deconstruction of post-modernism. Then began the talk of the meta-text and the meta-narrator and, for all I care, the twice baked potato and the refried bean. For me, the entire thing hit a boiling point of ridiculousness that has irritated me to this day.

The main thing that absolutely grated me was the lack of creative thought going into the delineation of what is clearly one period of literary construction shifting into a new period of construction. Is the next period going to be meta-post-post-modernism? I feel like a huge part of what is confining the ability to meaningfully describe and analyze literary constructions is that the people who are doing it are being grown into a more and more strictly controlled framework of knowledge. Unfortunately as the tags used to describe the framework are simplified from exacting coordinates into smears of qualitative judgments they become strung together into descriptors for increasingly complex scenarios of literary construction and then you end up with a cloud of tags instead of analysis of an authors's work. And then, peering into the tag cloud and seeing that it is full of largely meaningless word associations in the context of describing what, in this case, Paul Auster's novel does, frustration takes root (at least it did for me).

But also, I think, even more than that, language is becoming more and more compartmentalized so that every single individual scrap of information is developing its own term. Its the opposite of 1984 and Newspeak. I guess as the body of discourse grows, it becomes inevitable that the words and terms and phrases needed to navigate it will grow in complexity and number, but when does that turn into picking tags out of a hat and saying: okay, that's that. That's what it is and it's no longer up for discussion.

That's necessary to an extent because otherwise the body of literary production would quickly out grow the ability to describe its functions, but I suppose my major concern back then was the arbitrary nature of the tagging. The descriptive term seemed to be affixed simply because it wasn't anything else entirely, so clearly it must be post. Which is okay in some respects, but once the thing that was like nothing else began to be emulated how can they also be post-*? They can't be post if they are happening now and in the same vein of the thing like no other thing before it, but like many things after it.

To the point though, I finally understand it. The tagging is not necessarily an effort to describe the thing it is affixed to, as it is an effort to DATE and LOCATE the thing and establish it's relative relationship to the other things surrounding and drawing from and contributing to it. And that's why calling something post-* meta-* and "whatever else describes a relationship of one thing to another"-* is important. The volume of things being produced and the ever increasing pace of new voices and shared information and production is why they are largely meaningless as explicit descriptors beyond the simplicity of "this came after that, but before the other thing." Their use and over use is more a symptom of growth and discussion than it is an indication of a lack of questioning contributors or thoughtful contributors more interested in the material being analyzed than sounding vague chic.

When you get into a group discussion about these things, over simplifications happen and thats when the relational tags begin to be characterized by their interpretive content instead of their connective tissue and you run into things like "that's what it is and that is that", where the things identity is really a matter of opinion and not a matter of course. With relational things it's a matter of perspective. Am I looking north or am I facing south, am I upwind or downwind or in another state altogether. When questions start to point to things like what does it smell and taste like, what does it do, what does it make, what is the sum of its pieces, relational orientations (and by extension the tag system) isn't much help, but is easily misappropriated and taken to task on issues and ideas it might've been meant to solve at its start, but issues and ideas it is hard pressed to positively impact now.

I hope I put my revelation into some meaningful sentences. At least now I know why I was so angry and disappointed almost a year ago. Sometimes it takes a while to see the value in what you would flush away as a token gesture. Sometimes there really is no value and it's a virtual artifact that's simply comfortable to the touch, but once in a while as you turn it over in your hand it becomes clear, at least to you, why it's still circulating from one hand to another.



So Paul Auster, I apologize. You're not a hack. You just filled the plate with more food than people could digest and some of them threw up. You're not around to clean it up, and you shouldn't have to. Governing an audiences reception and analysis of what you do is about as realistic as driving a car by standing on its roof rack and pointing your fingers. The best any of us can do is to let them drive where they may and, if it get's interesting, hold on for the ride.

///Talvin Singh - "Light" Bubbly, but smooth, like a mimosa. Pleasant and unobtrusive and better than that track on Classical Thunder your mom sent you in the hopes that it would somehow feed your brain with genius. Turns out the jewel case made an okay mouse pad once it got good and scuffed from performing coaster duty. Put away the mail order meditation music. Pick up some Singh and enjoy your working, hopefully fizzed, lunch break.

7/18/10

You Know That Feeling You Get...

When you are so frustrated that your throat swells up and it's difficult to swallow and you're not going to cry (because only pansies cry), but your eyes well up because you've been straining and leaning closer and closer to your computer screen in a subconscious effort to physically jam the information you cannot for the life of you understand directly into your fatty brain matter by absolute force of will?

///Nine Inch Nails - "Hyperpower!" That feeling is where I'm at right now in trying to comprehend php as it relates to Wordpress. The wall is going to come down soon. I can almost feel it breaking over my face and making sense like a field of star points arrayed before a navigator.

dear (______):

Dear news media:

The Mel Gibson I knew growing up and being too young to watch Lethal Weapon, but watching it on brand new VHS tape anyway, was the kind of person who would chase you to the top floor of a high rise, empty a .45 into your chest, throw the empty gun at your face, rush across the room and form tackle you through a plate glass window, and then strangle you to death in mid air before you hit the ground. I don't think any less of him because it turns out he really is that fucking crazy outside of film. I mean, I can't be the only one who remember's how ridiculously hardcore the first two lethal weapon movies were?

7/16/10

Width = 400 Pixels

And not a pixel more. I went back through the posts and fixed every single picture posted since I started including pixelgraphs. What this means for you? This means that if you read this in a feed you wont have an image stretched wider than a limo wrapped around a redwood tree, that's what it means for you. Basically a good thing. If, however, the limo were occupied by one of probably millions of millionaire brats it would not be a good thing- it would be a fantastic thing.

Also, from now on, and whenever possible, there will be included a link to referenced song as featured on youtube. Not always possible, but possible often enough that there really is no reason I shouldn't pack that candy in the bag.

///Bowery Electric - "Freedom Fighter" I'm not sure if I'm trying to reach the human in you or if I'm looking for the lesser in us all, but either way, less malcontent at presentation helps the needles go in smooth. I know you don't care all that much, but I'll go into the css and make a blanket fix so that I, you, us will not have to worry about mistimed ignitions of pixelgraphs in the future. Sorry for that slippage, I couldn't help it. Well I could, but I didn't want to. Rest assured the fix is in from here on out and there will be no more pixelgraphic behavioral anomalies.

Worst Song Ever, Part 2:

Worst song ever # PKHM8989JJ3QK5 Oliver Lieb - Subraumstimulation:

Imagine, if you will, a computer. On this computer is a sentient piece of software. This software has access to a library of drum sounds. The software's only reason for existence, is to increase the size of the library by recombining the drum sounds playing those sounds, recording the sounds played as new drum sounds, and then recombining them on and on into infinity. Now imagine that the computer on which this software is running has the utterly massive storage capacity of a single floppy disk. Are you seeing where I'm going with this?


Now imagine also that, by sentience, we are only talking about amoebic sentience; something maybe 8 bits more complicated than on and off. But majestic things have been done with tiny processors and tiny storage, you retort. Now imagine that the software has to learn more complex things by doing them. By the time it can even begin to create anything more complex than what is already in the drum sound library its down to its last handful of free space to make anything compelling. You leave it alone to run for a while, much longer than necessary, but who knows, maybe the ghost in the machine might pull something incredible and unforeseen out of its binary ass.

You come back and play what the program made, but the computer itself is so ancient that there was no space in it's memory to code a cue slider, so you have to listen to everything the software made to get to the interesting part. Several minutes later the moment of truth arrives after listening to numbing variations of the stock drum sounds and then in the last 20 seconds of the longest 5 minutes of your life it does it!! One single extra asynchronous beat mashed in.

And then it's over.



The only thing missing from the whole experience was a nice bucket of wind chimes and some vaguely sensual vocals ripped from the Turner library. If the Hal 9000 ever decided to host a dance party, this is what he would have come up with. BPM should not be mistaken for quality. The two aren't mutually exclusive, but they're more often than not pretty damn close to being so.

7/15/10

Cherish and Nurture Your Wanderlust

I read an interesting article through one of a bunch of second hand feeds that I sometimes peek through now and then and it talked about the value of boredom and the value of having space to let your mind wander. Technology can be great because it can allow you to do things you otherwise may never be able to try or even imagine possible. At the same time, filling every second of your waking life with it also reduces opportunities to reflect meaningfully, beyond the data points of entertainment and facts you digested or manipulated through technology, and imagine new things.

When you open up a box and read the manual you get ideas for what the thing is capable of and what you can now do with it and while you did not have those ideas before or did not know how to implement those ideas you didn't really imagine them as much as they were fed to you in parts and pieces, and sometimes in their entirety.



Imagination still takes practice and effort and time and while technology can make us all more capable and flexible people it can also limit the ability to imagine by replacing the time and resources spent imagining with technological tinkering and scripted production.

The thing that struck me the most though was the author's approach to children. It struck me as touching and I also felt an acute pain that was the feeling of never really experiencing that growing up, and now that I'm grown up moments like that can't really be fully enjoyed for a long list of reasons. At least not enjoyed yet. Maybe if I ever get married or something. Even then situations like that will probably be more of an ego shaded, priority differentiated, tug of war than anything else.

"We have a new ritual now, and it really has become my favorite part of the day. I put her to bed 15 minutes earlier than before. She crawls into bed and, instead of shushing her, I lie next to her and we just talk. She talks about things that happened that day, things she's worried about, things she's curious or thinking about. I listen and ask her questions. We laugh together. And our minds just wander."

I think, more than many things in life, I want that though I know I can't have it. Can you blame me for trying?

I firmly believe that my imaginative abilities have come primarily from the, sometimes, desperate desire to be someone, anyone, and anywhere in the world, but where I was growing up. I'm not going to retread it, but suffice to say I probably would have had a better childhood as a foster kid with no parents or homeless. Think of it as growing up from birth blind instead of going blind years after birth. Hopefully I'll get some sight back eventually and my dreams about the emerald city and the yellow brick road will be based on optimism instead of a desire to escape a prison of circumstance, history, and context.



In other news, I am creating the theme for the wordpress fiction site as we speak! Yes, I have two sets of hands.

///Ulrich Schnauss - "Wherever You Are" Wherever you are, whatever you're in, wherever you were, and everywhere you're not, Ulrich has composed a moment for you. This is my moment to take a breath before I'm pushed under again.

7/12/10

Small Victories

Life is like a fire breathing tiger at an Origami swap meet. All you want to do is trade bits of beautiful things with other people and then, descending from on high with no warning comes life, tearing people in half, exploding fire over everything you value, and using your favorite couch as a really big scratching post. I need more hours in my day. The good news is (did you see it yet? Seriously, look around for a second. Did you see it?) I fixed the footer. Yaaay. A small victory three days after the fact, but the point is I did it and it looks way better than it did. More legible, more sexy, more everything. So while the universe burns hotter than a gay man with gonorrhea inside a green house buying last minute flowers for his parents on their anniversary while figuring out how to explain the answering machine message he accidentally left them while high on lsd at a rave, I managed to accomplish something tangible. Bang. One goal down, 9000 to go.



On a completely unrelated note- no that's not true, it's semi-related- on a completely semi-related note, I'm trying to figure out how to master Wordpress. I was browsing some job listings and a few looked mighty tasty, but the job poster demanded a "mastery of Wordpress." That is about as vague a requirement as I have ever seen. That's like those listings that require a "mastery of Mac machines." Do they want me to be able to write applications for Macs or something? Do they want me to able to turn it on and navigate the interface? Or does mastery mean I must have owned one for several years? I bet it means that I have to dress like that guy who used to be in those Mac commercials when Mac was trying to justify their outrageous prices for marginal differences by making everyone who didn't own a Mac feel like they were being total assholes for not having the money to plunk down for one.

What is there to master in Wordpress? I guess I'm missing something, but I'll look around and see what the big deal is. Maybe there's more to it than using the interface that is essentially the same as blogger. Maybe there isn't and it means that I just have to go into the interview with the posture of someone who knows his shit. Or maybe it means I just have to sprinkle in some Wordpress jargon. Its probably the third thing. Pepper there ears with some sugar sweet tech talk. I should purchase some fake glasses too to make my face more approachable. Not that I look like an idiot, but I do look like I should be out in the wilderness firing a 24 inch chainsaw and smoking Marlboros (which is kind of the job I would like to do, but I don't live anywhere near any logging operations).

At any rate, I lost my train of thought. The thought of deforestation gives me boners. Well, just one boner over multiple time frames. Obviously. But, there was something else.

Oh, I got it. Nabbed it. The story site for my fiction is what I'm working on piecing together. Hopefully that'll be up sooner than later. I've got a story to tell you that I think you might like.

///Yeah Yeah Yeahs - "Phenomena" When the White Stripes came out with their album Icky Thump a lot of critics said, "oh my God this is completely and totally awesome," but in my opinion the YYYs nailed a much ickier harder thumping sound the year before with their album; this track being one of my favorites on the whole thing. If the universe ever does catch fire and we're all going to die, I hope they play this song when the curtain comes up.

7/10/10

Completely Sidetracked

Okay, I got completely sidetracked, but look what I made in the meantime!



Worth the detour?

///B. Fleischmann - "Composure" Ride the notes all the way to your mattress and lay down your sleepy head.

get sorted

Well, I'm lost. I realized it today. Well actually I realized it yesterday when I went to bed at 5:30 in the morning. That was a pretty good indicator that I'm not really driving in any particular direction with any sort of conviction. On the other hand, it could be an indication that I'm driving in every direction with complete conviction. Either way the sum of detectable movement is a big fat zero.

Qualifier: it is a happy zero. I haven't accomplished nothing in my efforts to accomplish everything. I simply haven't produced anything measurable by fiscal standards, and who's really keeping track of that? Everyone, you say? Well I don't care all that much. Like Lady GaGa apparently said (I heard from a friend of a friend who read something who was told about the thing to read by a friend's friend) money is boring. The only reason why I want to make money is so that I can pay for things that will free me up to do other things. If food and housing were free, the only jobs I would do were the jobs I wanted to do and I wouldn't have to worry about getting paid because the jobs that I actually want to do are jobs that I would literally do for free. Seeing someone enjoy the product of your labor should, and for me actually is, so enjoyable that I rarely do the things I enjoy for money unless its necessary.

To get back to the point, I've been using my pen tablet to make things like this:



I'm not completely sure why. I used to doodle a lot in high school instead of learning stoichiometry and trigonometry. I suppose if I paid more attention I would be getting home from a 60,000 dollar job after doodling equations instead of sitting at home making pictures. I'm not sure I would make a trade though. I mean obviously it would be nice to have a pay check and a car and an apartment, but I'm not dead, I'm not homeless, and I'm not being starved at the moment so I suppose it's not all bad. I'd rather be able to dream and create than be able to dream and unable to creatively articulate.

And you know what else? I'll fix those images right now before I go to bed, because if I don't I'm going to end up putting it off until I'm on my death bed telling a priest that my only regret was not fixing the graphics on this page.

///Susumu Hirasawa - "Jouken Douji" If you thought Anime music was composed entirely of campy Japanese pop tunes and you haven't tried anything I've recommended by Kanno or Susumu, today should be the day you listen to a track that is all kinds of funky intricate and sexy. Like "really awesome piece of slick technology" sexy, not "anemic girl with plastic breasts" sexy. The bass line in this track is hotter than a lot of hip hop bass lines and from what I know of production (admittedly very little), I'd say the production value is higher than the norm for Anime music. Susumu Hirasawa delivers complexity in balance with beauty and gets it right more often than not.

7/7/10

Ladies and gentleman, if you please, I have solved religion.

First thing, (I understand if you don't particularly care, but I have to do this so that I don't forget because this also doubles as my change log) I still plan to replace the red bits still hanging out in the post headers and down next to the tags. They are out of place in the new scheme and quite frankly my skills have grown beyond those first efforts and they're kind of tacky. Not to flatter myself too hard, but who the hell else is going to?

Second thing is this: I have solved why religion is so fiercely defended. I know right? It was so obvious, but I couldn't understand before why a particularly nasty and irrational person I knew was so entrenched in their beliefs. Why were they so inclined to condemn behavior in others that they performed on a regular basis? Why did everything they say start with "if they were Godly people"? Why did different words come out of either side of their mouth every single day and somehow manage to avoid internal conflict?

And then it hit me!



Religion to this person, or at least the particular "Christian" doctrine they adopted was basically a hodge podge of the most comfortable elements in the Christian as it related to them and how they framed the world around them. Their conversion, or anyone's conversion, has nothing to do with miracles, but before I fly off to hell on a thunderbolt and a plume of fire and brimstone and "much gnashing of teeth" or however it goes, hear me out.

As much as the people who believe they're just fine treating people with respect and treating strangers with kindness and compassion and charitably is as much as some Christians say they are simply picking and choosing Jesus's nicer words and they are, apparently going to burn for it. Look a little bit closer at these nay sayers of congeniality and you can see them perpetrating the same behaviors, however with greater subtlety, and often not even that. That's when I realized every single person who has had some "religious" awakening wasn't suddenly seeing THE light. They were seeing A light.

What they would count as religion changing them is really them finally realizing what their ground state of being was. Basically: realizing who they already were. The reason why people defend religions to the death is because religion allows them to defend who they are. The guy who wants to go kill Muslims for Jesus says he is doing it for Jesus, but in his mind, maybe his subconscious mind, maybe not that deeply repressed, he is doing it because it is what he as a person wants to do. Jesus simply gives him an out. Even the people who "suffer" for their faith aren't really suffering for their faith. They are suffering because they've realized the kind of people they want to be and they are pursuing that being the same way a man who wants to smoke a cigarette smokes or a person who enjoys rock climbing goes and climbs rocks. For some of these people penance has intrinsic value in their lives because they want to be held accountable. They want to be rewarded with pain because the pain lends them meaning every Sunday.

Religion is like an old comfortable boot. You put it on and you wear it because it's comfortable to you. That's all. If you think as a husband you should be paid tribute by your wife and kids and they should wait on you hand and foot and defer to you at all times even though legislation in America has essentially made everyone equals, you'll adopt a framework that allows you to live that way. If someone brings you "God's" word and it says the man is awesome and women are second class and should do whatever you tell them to, you'll be on that wagon in no time flat. Do you have to confess Jesus as a savior? Small price to pay for total dominance, don't you think? So spout some nonsense and swear up and down by the ridiculous things you don't actually believe because what you're paying for is the peace of mind of knowing that you are justified in the things that matter to who you are as a person. It cuts the same way for other things too, but most glaringly within religion.

So, what else is new?

This:


The above is going to be the main thematic element in the hateitalready.blogspot.com site I'm planning. I thought to myself, "no one wants to read a blog that spends the entire time ragging on other things, especially things that some people really do like." It would be the same as being a forum troll except condensed to one black singularity of curmudgeonly voice. So, I have revamped the idea and I'm going to put a humorous spin on it to make it much more digestable. If there's one thing I learned from watching movies as a kid it was that a spoon full of sugar is fuggin tasty and will allow you to fly umbrellas when the wind is just right, and I intend to take that knowledge straight to the bank.

///Mathew Dear - "R + S"Tonight we'll ride and find gold in their eyes. It shines so bright. I must have it.

7/3/10

dear (______):

Dear Savage Garden:

You know that song you made called "I Want You?" Yeah that hit that almost made you into a one hit wonder. That one. So two minutes and forty seconds in, what the hell happened? I know tribal chanty beat breaks were all the rage, but putting one into that song makes about as much sense as female circumcision. Check minus.

dear (______):

Dear ESPN evening line up:

There are only so many news stories, I know, so could you stop retreading everything 12 times over. Less breadth. More depth. And no, having a channel for each thing is not giving the coverage greater depth; it's giving the coverage insanity inducing breadth with the benefit of being able to pick a flavor. K THNX.

7/2/10

Behold Again!!

Pchow Pchow, goes the Buck Rogers laser gun as I fire off good idea after great idea. Seriously though, I am just tired. While it's great to exercise my brain it also makes me tired, especially because the fridge has been particularly short on brain food and good scotch.

Check out that new banner! Is it or is it not the cats pj's. It counterbalances the chaos down that right side bar pretty nicely. I got rid of that text obstructing thing down at the bottom of each post too. See, I listen to you sometimes when I'm not arguing amongst my selves.



Speaking of arguments, I watched 500 Days of Summer recently. Great movie. Great writing in the movie is what I think made it so spectacular. The subtle bias toward the male pro-stagonist/underdog was very well done. It played off of the understood theme's in relationship movies and then flipped it quite handily on its head through- actually, hold on. I was going to talk about something else, but now I can't remember what.

Oh, the banner up there! Yes. So I might tweak it some more later on, and by later on I mean tomorrow. Just to help it blend more seamlessly. On second thought, scratch that. I think I may play up the difference to highlight and cut it off from the rest of the page to give the entire blog a more clearly defined personality instead of a mix mash of boarders and impressionistic pictures.

Ah, yes. Arguments. Today has struck me as something of a frustrating day. The two people I really want to talk to are not talking to me. Petty and self centered of me to say that right? Wrong! I am never wrong! You are wrong for even suggesting I may ever be wrong about anything! Mainly, I wonder what they're doing because I want to be a part of it, but I'm beginning to suspect that the role I thought I played in their lives is actually a tiny forgettable fraction. Or perhaps not so much forgettable as extremely occasion specific. I've niched myself. Or have I. The whole thing is confusing and the most frustrating thing about it all is that its probably almost entirely a product of differences in free time and my own insecurities. God damn it, just answer your phone and tell me you don't want to talk ever. That's what a nice person would do. Or maybe that's what an asshole would do. My interpersonal skills might be regressing, but the plus side is that my amateur psychology is progressing. No, wait, that might be a negative too.

I bet Kanye West thinks he's being a nice person every single time he opens his mouth (old I know). I wonder if he's having fun in India finding his soul. Ha, more like finding his soul's "dear john" letter! Pchow! Buck Rogers. Count it. Look out for the addition of more bells and whistles in the future. This place is always developing. Occasionally moping along like the progress of a blinking light around a string of Christmas lights still on in August of the following year, but like those lights we keep it changing.

///Jay-Z - "Empire State of Mind" maybe I'll move to NYC and seek my fortune there. Or even anywhere else in the state of New York. I think I'm out of options here. Either way, from where I stand the coasts feel like they're glittering.

7/1/10

Behold Yall

The Auralport

Bang! It's sort of up and running. It Still needs some minor tweaks and twists, but for the most part that will be the look. I feel good about where it's going.



I didn't get to redesigning the banner here, I know, but on the bright side I did manage to create a whole new layout over yonder at the nexus of poetry so it's not a total loss. In fact it's not even a major loss. If anything it's kind of like a 40/60 split decision win.

We'll find the time to redo this page's banner tomorrow for certain. That is a guarantee I can get behind. I hope I didn't guarantee that last time (that would put a serious dent in my truthiness).

///Mono - "Penguin Freud" I don't know if I told you, but this was the song I was listening to when the towers fell all those years ago.