worst song ever # POHI0808LAT257 Lilly Allen - Truth:
the last time i heard this much poorly mixed racket i happened to be in the same room as a baby pounding on a late 90s CD stereos button while a collection of lag bolts chewed up a blender and someone else played gta on a tv but kept switching between that and a hockey game while i for some reason kept trying to play an old Tiger handheld game with that old school lcd screen. it was a bad day. and the last time i tried to cure a hangover with lsd.
but seriously... next time you want to make a mash up with street flavor. dont blast air horns over 20 seconds of it and a jay z riff over 60 seconds of it and call it a song.
its like if you roofied missy elliot (to leave her comatose body in a bally total fitness center and hope to god she would take the hint) but somehow she just wouldnt go down so you instead kept her busy at a mixing/sampling board so she wouldnt try to eat you like a large side of ham and then asked jay z to do something iconic, but didnt pay him enough so he sent you a 3 KB sample of a 100 MB song, but you had to use it anyway since it cost you 30000 dollars of the money you were supposed to spend on your tuition and you had missy make a track with it except that while you were mixing some random pot smoking emo chick with a british accent and a "real world attitude" wandered into your bedroom slash music studio and started to sing an r and b song that kind of slouched into spoken word but got bored and left in the middle to go smoke pot so missy just played her favorite instrument, the compressed air horn, to wrap the song up in the absence of any actual substance.
thats how unbelievably bad it is.
and by contrast
///Menomena - "twenty cell revolt" is just that awesomely good. when was the last time you felt happiness in simplicity?
Clean with alcohol only. Do not attempt to replace blown fuses. Do not remove access panels. Return to certified mechanic for regular maintenance. Made in the USA.
8/28/09
8/20/09
sex laws
heres a quickie for you. youre gonna like this. its that abc family humor we've all come to adore here in america.
chelsea handler.
thats it. thats the joke. get it? shes a train wreck of a human being who has made her fame on drinking fluids like a storm drain and collecting cocks stains on her polymer infused face like ... uhm ... HAH like a sham wow. as seen on tv. look it up. and the best part is shes on late night just in time for you to go to bed and your kids to get up and learn how adults behave. she probably needs to swallow a box of serrated paper clips.
no but the joke... the quickie is... sex laws. right? bear with.
so as guys get to liking a woman more then tend to contain their functions... but as women get to liking men more they tend to release them. so in the final moments before marriage its the guy trying not to rip out the greasiest fart of his life and the girl simply letting the ropey knots of fumes fly faster than cloth coils off a boat chugging out of the hudson bay at full steam and moored at the wrong end.
that analogy was way too long. but i hope it was graphic enough for you to taste the moment. funny, no? no, probably not. i understand. i didnt mean to take you that far along. you probably should have gotten off at chelsea handler. sorry bout that.
///david julyan - "the polaroid fades" that feeling when you notice everyone was laughing minutes ago and now theyre all staring every which way, into every corner of the room, but never at eachother, and you notice your cup has gotten warm from your sweating palm and the room is dingy and its 2.30 in the morning and you dont really know what's keeping you there besides wanting to be a part of someone's life. anyone's life.
chelsea handler.
thats it. thats the joke. get it? shes a train wreck of a human being who has made her fame on drinking fluids like a storm drain and collecting cocks stains on her polymer infused face like ... uhm ... HAH like a sham wow. as seen on tv. look it up. and the best part is shes on late night just in time for you to go to bed and your kids to get up and learn how adults behave. she probably needs to swallow a box of serrated paper clips.
no but the joke... the quickie is... sex laws. right? bear with.
so as guys get to liking a woman more then tend to contain their functions... but as women get to liking men more they tend to release them. so in the final moments before marriage its the guy trying not to rip out the greasiest fart of his life and the girl simply letting the ropey knots of fumes fly faster than cloth coils off a boat chugging out of the hudson bay at full steam and moored at the wrong end.
that analogy was way too long. but i hope it was graphic enough for you to taste the moment. funny, no? no, probably not. i understand. i didnt mean to take you that far along. you probably should have gotten off at chelsea handler. sorry bout that.
///david julyan - "the polaroid fades" that feeling when you notice everyone was laughing minutes ago and now theyre all staring every which way, into every corner of the room, but never at eachother, and you notice your cup has gotten warm from your sweating palm and the room is dingy and its 2.30 in the morning and you dont really know what's keeping you there besides wanting to be a part of someone's life. anyone's life.
you know what's weird
masturbating and having old bible hymns come to mind while youre doing it. thats whats weird. that and sex toys for guys. that and reviews for sex toys for guys... reviews that say things like "oh my god, my husband loves this, he cums in minutes." no offense to that guy, but sticking my member in a plastic sock with nubs on the inside dont zactly feel da same as that other thing i like to do... let alone using my hands. well... that and a pill for women to make them want to have sex more. does that count as date rape if you drug someone with a pill to make them want to have sex? is this a surprised rabbit !! or is it two exclamation points next to a quizzical rabbit !! ?? i mean if someone wants to have drinks to loosen up isnt it just better to skip the hangover give them a pill rolled up in a piece of cheese take them home and wait for them to turn on like a light switch? like a clap on. minus the clap. and clapping. maybe slapping. probably slapping. of hands. well thats fucking weird. that and religion. makes no sense. how is it that religious discussion seems to be on the reverse side of sexual discussion. religion is masturbation for the soul. masturbation is religion for the heart. and worship is just stupidity and insecurity rolled up into a tidy package called faith.
thats whats weird.
///yeong wook jo - "farewell, my lovely" i wish yeong would work for free so i could have him orchestrate the irreversible and gut twisting moments in my life. the man has an ear for beauty like you can only find in a family photo album that has pictures of you before you found out that not everyone's parents beat them hard enough to miss school.
thats whats weird.
///yeong wook jo - "farewell, my lovely" i wish yeong would work for free so i could have him orchestrate the irreversible and gut twisting moments in my life. the man has an ear for beauty like you can only find in a family photo album that has pictures of you before you found out that not everyone's parents beat them hard enough to miss school.
8/16/09
what im doing here
what are you doing here? im here for the same reason you are. i like you. i like talking to you. you engage and/or complete me in various ways. without you i become ungrounded, angry, and generally sandy. plus who else would i drink with? who else would i admit to beating off to russel crowes jaw line in a freeze frame of a high def copy of gladiator?
well his jaw line was incidental in the frame. there was also... well who i am kidding-
but seriously. i like your rants. so im here. its what im doing here. im here to listen to you as much as you are here to listen to me. if i didnt get face time i would probably kill myself. or you. im here because this is my favorite place to gripe and bask and stroke my ego and my genits and be pitiful and awesome all at once. nothing makes life tasty like a good wound to lick. so what are you doing here?
///roni size - "mad cat" i think this is musically what it feels like to wake into a dream. disorienting, thrilling, tense, and sour.
well his jaw line was incidental in the frame. there was also... well who i am kidding-
but seriously. i like your rants. so im here. its what im doing here. im here to listen to you as much as you are here to listen to me. if i didnt get face time i would probably kill myself. or you. im here because this is my favorite place to gripe and bask and stroke my ego and my genits and be pitiful and awesome all at once. nothing makes life tasty like a good wound to lick. so what are you doing here?
///roni size - "mad cat" i think this is musically what it feels like to wake into a dream. disorienting, thrilling, tense, and sour.
8/12/09
approaches
so i'm learning to approach things from the other side of the counter. i've been in the customer service industry for forever and im so used to being blank and open and receptive when it comes to business transactions that im having a hard time shifting into my managerial retail position. im not used to making declarative statements. im not used to making demands. im not used to asking people when i can expect them in my office. and im not used to trying to provide the best service at the lowest price possible.
that last one is the hardest part. if i cut my profit margins as slim as possible i wont be able to afford to keep the store open and people employed. its just that simple. breaking even on merchandise only covers the cost of merchandise! when its all sold and the register closes for the day what's left to turn the lights on tomorrow, buy my groceries for dinner, pay the window washer, and pay for the internet access and software licenses ill need tomorrow is nothing. nothing is left.
so i need to get used to telling people what something will cost THEM instead of what it will cost ME to make it. Let THEM decide if they like the price before trying to cut out corners (and make things more difficult for myself) to deliver them the same thing except cheaper.
Sure. Thats the kind of thinking that probably fucked GM but it didnt help that GMs customers were fucking idiots who swallowed whatever they shat out. Not so, in my little shop. My customers are sharp and frugal. So I welcome the price bending and look forward to figuring out better ways to do things to keep my work load down, my profits up, and quality high as ever... but if i start off cutting rates ill be out of business before i learn anything. ;P
///dntel - "fear of corners" ironically this song was on when the owner and i had a discussion about how to price an order. unfortunately because i started off cutting so many corners in the labor to produce the shirts the owner advised me that i could not offer a discount on the shirt itself. the price quote doubled. the customers walked out on me (but promised to return... i hope they do!). generally an unsatisfactory resolution. but a learning moment i dont intend to squander. the training continues.
that last one is the hardest part. if i cut my profit margins as slim as possible i wont be able to afford to keep the store open and people employed. its just that simple. breaking even on merchandise only covers the cost of merchandise! when its all sold and the register closes for the day what's left to turn the lights on tomorrow, buy my groceries for dinner, pay the window washer, and pay for the internet access and software licenses ill need tomorrow is nothing. nothing is left.
so i need to get used to telling people what something will cost THEM instead of what it will cost ME to make it. Let THEM decide if they like the price before trying to cut out corners (and make things more difficult for myself) to deliver them the same thing except cheaper.
Sure. Thats the kind of thinking that probably fucked GM but it didnt help that GMs customers were fucking idiots who swallowed whatever they shat out. Not so, in my little shop. My customers are sharp and frugal. So I welcome the price bending and look forward to figuring out better ways to do things to keep my work load down, my profits up, and quality high as ever... but if i start off cutting rates ill be out of business before i learn anything. ;P
///dntel - "fear of corners" ironically this song was on when the owner and i had a discussion about how to price an order. unfortunately because i started off cutting so many corners in the labor to produce the shirts the owner advised me that i could not offer a discount on the shirt itself. the price quote doubled. the customers walked out on me (but promised to return... i hope they do!). generally an unsatisfactory resolution. but a learning moment i dont intend to squander. the training continues.
wheeen was (regular dude things)
when was the last time you>>
listened to the fight club soundtrack
played the first gran turismo
smoked a cigarette more than three days after you quit
watched blade runner
played game cube
looked up the current price of a dreamcast
watched a kungfu movie made before 1990
ate two pieces of bacon and stopped
watched the towelie episode of southpark
saw the intro to futurama before it was on comedy central
played more than three consecutive games of pong
played more than ten consecutive games of any table top sport
debated the merits of 2001 versus apocalypse now
pointed out the retardedness of the majority of heath ledgers career
made pancakes and eggs and cheeseburgers for dinner
had a ghetto memosa(sp)
quoted that sci fi show without worrying about the pair of tits ten feet away
made fun of club rats, popped collars, chick foreheads, and broadzillas
told a dumb chick to shut up
discussed who would win in a fight between (old tv show hero A) versus (old tv show hero B)
played putt putt with someone who took it waay too seriously
imitated ultimate top spin challenge
stayed up to watch the adult swim reruns... all of them... friday, saturday, and sunday
watched food network from noon to three
technically had a sausage fest and honestly didnt care
enjoyed a natty before 3 pm
blasted led zepplin instead of a song featured on "now thats what i call music #'n'"
played ssbm for fun
watched sonny chiba rip someones throat out
enjoyed a GB
///the dust brothers - "homework" get started. due by two a.m. late submissions can be made for zero credit and correction notes only.
listened to the fight club soundtrack
played the first gran turismo
smoked a cigarette more than three days after you quit
watched blade runner
played game cube
looked up the current price of a dreamcast
watched a kungfu movie made before 1990
ate two pieces of bacon and stopped
watched the towelie episode of southpark
saw the intro to futurama before it was on comedy central
played more than three consecutive games of pong
played more than ten consecutive games of any table top sport
debated the merits of 2001 versus apocalypse now
pointed out the retardedness of the majority of heath ledgers career
made pancakes and eggs and cheeseburgers for dinner
had a ghetto memosa(sp)
quoted that sci fi show without worrying about the pair of tits ten feet away
made fun of club rats, popped collars, chick foreheads, and broadzillas
told a dumb chick to shut up
discussed who would win in a fight between (old tv show hero A) versus (old tv show hero B)
played putt putt with someone who took it waay too seriously
imitated ultimate top spin challenge
stayed up to watch the adult swim reruns... all of them... friday, saturday, and sunday
watched food network from noon to three
technically had a sausage fest and honestly didnt care
enjoyed a natty before 3 pm
blasted led zepplin instead of a song featured on "now thats what i call music #'n'"
played ssbm for fun
watched sonny chiba rip someones throat out
enjoyed a GB
///the dust brothers - "homework" get started. due by two a.m. late submissions can be made for zero credit and correction notes only.
8/8/09
biteNuker
30 rock. season 1 season2 season 3. theyre all there. mweh. theyre all there. its a hit and miss show with lots of misses and a couple hits per show.
its not weird or interesting. i guess its typical. its a typical show. about as funny as the simpsons are now... or family guy is now. i dunno. you watch it for the two to four hits. its like playing a mediocre video game with an awesome momentary animation. sure, it does make good points with good story arcs most of the time, but so do a lot of shows. the show is a lot like i would imagine a mixture of the simpsons and seinfeld would be. its like hmmm 30 rock is like if the characters from seinfeld only redeemed themselves once a season instead of at the close of every episode and they lived in a world as bent as springfield except instead of towny jokes there were all city and racial jokes.
it passes the time. much like that mediocre video game that you might plug away at for an hour or two so you can see the two minutes of cgi video or finally push the right sequence of buttons to make the main character to something awesome. sure you wasted 58 minutes or got frustrated mashing buttons till you finally got it right... but when you did get it right it was pretty damn cool.
and thats why i watch 30 rock. not that you were wondering. i will tell you this though. tina fey is the LEAST interesting part of the show. by far. maybe the show needs her for that reason. maybe she needs the show to keep her face on tv. i dont fucking know. shes not funny. shes not even the lisa simpson or marge simpson or elaine. shes just sandy, soggy, perpetually insecure, slightly awful to look at (she always looks like shes about to either vomit or crap her pants or sneeze and her tits are usually trying to fall out) and generally grating. i guess she just reminds me of high school girls. oh well, who the fuck cares. im still going to watch. ill just blur my vision when shes on screen and muffle my ears when she talks.
///kid koala -"bonus materials on the set of fender bender" you know those songs that make you wanna just ride a fixed gear bike in noonday sunlight down a packed dirt main street market square on your way to your favorite pond to skip rocks and watch enormous gold fish swim? well you know one now.
its not weird or interesting. i guess its typical. its a typical show. about as funny as the simpsons are now... or family guy is now. i dunno. you watch it for the two to four hits. its like playing a mediocre video game with an awesome momentary animation. sure, it does make good points with good story arcs most of the time, but so do a lot of shows. the show is a lot like i would imagine a mixture of the simpsons and seinfeld would be. its like hmmm 30 rock is like if the characters from seinfeld only redeemed themselves once a season instead of at the close of every episode and they lived in a world as bent as springfield except instead of towny jokes there were all city and racial jokes.
it passes the time. much like that mediocre video game that you might plug away at for an hour or two so you can see the two minutes of cgi video or finally push the right sequence of buttons to make the main character to something awesome. sure you wasted 58 minutes or got frustrated mashing buttons till you finally got it right... but when you did get it right it was pretty damn cool.
and thats why i watch 30 rock. not that you were wondering. i will tell you this though. tina fey is the LEAST interesting part of the show. by far. maybe the show needs her for that reason. maybe she needs the show to keep her face on tv. i dont fucking know. shes not funny. shes not even the lisa simpson or marge simpson or elaine. shes just sandy, soggy, perpetually insecure, slightly awful to look at (she always looks like shes about to either vomit or crap her pants or sneeze and her tits are usually trying to fall out) and generally grating. i guess she just reminds me of high school girls. oh well, who the fuck cares. im still going to watch. ill just blur my vision when shes on screen and muffle my ears when she talks.
///kid koala -"bonus materials on the set of fender bender" you know those songs that make you wanna just ride a fixed gear bike in noonday sunlight down a packed dirt main street market square on your way to your favorite pond to skip rocks and watch enormous gold fish swim? well you know one now.
8/7/09
hey fuck head
next time you invite guests over, dont block the fucking exit. sure its fun to imagine you have so many friends who like hanging out at your place, but the reality of the situation is most of us dont want to be there but cant leave with your oblivious ass squarely in the way suggesting we try the appetizers and insisting so'n'so that we're good friends with "is totally gonna be here in like ten minutes" .
at least have the decency to leave the back door unlocked. while the grand tour is always nice, dont expect us to fall madly in love with your two room studio. so in love in fact that we actually want to hang around there till 1 am... even though we dont really know you... or like your music... or like the people that do seem to know you... or the fact that you asked everyone to bring beer and the only thing youve provided is a box of fucking ritz crackers and colored napkins and shitty music and no places to sit. dont expect us to hang out till 1am when its not worth it to take the half hour hike to a bar (that'll close in half an hour by the time we get there) and the local trains stop running and the only food we can get is a bag of chips and a pack of smokes from the all night deli... and we're all cranky because the cheap wine has managed to give us all hangovers six hours early and the beer is gone and you didnt even have the sense to buy a pack of cards for entertainment.
no we will not be impressed by the cuteness of your cat and late night reruns of bill cosby while the radio oscilates between nickelback and lil wayne for five fucking hours. how about next time not insisting everyone come to your place for a change?
kthnx.
seriously. whut thu fuck.
at least have the decency to leave the back door unlocked. while the grand tour is always nice, dont expect us to fall madly in love with your two room studio. so in love in fact that we actually want to hang around there till 1 am... even though we dont really know you... or like your music... or like the people that do seem to know you... or the fact that you asked everyone to bring beer and the only thing youve provided is a box of fucking ritz crackers and colored napkins and shitty music and no places to sit. dont expect us to hang out till 1am when its not worth it to take the half hour hike to a bar (that'll close in half an hour by the time we get there) and the local trains stop running and the only food we can get is a bag of chips and a pack of smokes from the all night deli... and we're all cranky because the cheap wine has managed to give us all hangovers six hours early and the beer is gone and you didnt even have the sense to buy a pack of cards for entertainment.
no we will not be impressed by the cuteness of your cat and late night reruns of bill cosby while the radio oscilates between nickelback and lil wayne for five fucking hours. how about next time not insisting everyone come to your place for a change?
kthnx.
seriously. whut thu fuck.
8/5/09
i walk to work. no. NO, youre not listening. 08/05/09
they are turning it into the worst fucking investment ever. you know the thing. that thing that "no one can take away from you." that thing that unlocks the power and magic of learning. that thing that lets you make 35K a year on average. yeah, that thing. fucking education. the worst fucking personal investment ever. no one should be saddled with this personal burden. ever. its a fucking business.
they let you sign yourself up (and hopefully one of your parents too) to recieve a bacterial infection. Since you cant pay your way or get perfect grades and be in every club (probably because you're a normal fucking person with real concerns in life from a less than absolutely supportive and financially endowed family and youre probably in that big square part of the standard distribution of human beings under the age of 25) the rules clearly state that if you receive this infection you can go to college. the infection degrades your health and your prospects and your financial reputation and your bank account for up to 30 years and is removed if you pay the people that gave you the infection the cost of tuition plus an arbitrary amount of additional money so that they dont have to work and can go on vacations to exotic places and pay for their kids to go to college. but if you dont pay them back and pay for their vacations, and their kids to go to college, within 30 years, sometimes as little as 15, then the infection metastasizes and kills your work life, financial, family life, and cuts you off from all sources of material/meaningful help.
actual phone call today. keep in mind i answer at least 4 of these a day. I recieve between 8 and 12 every god damn day. "hi im calling on behalf of ers a collection company for UIC. we're calling about 6k you owe. will you be able to close that out today?"
"no. of course not. if i was able i would have done so months ago."
"well the account has been... is delinquent" (i made the fucking payment to keep it out of collections the business day before... but hey its my "deadbeat" word against their "without fault" system. the account was never delinquent before either hence its newly minted arrival at ers) "and we need to close it out immediatel-"
i interrupt her "look, if i had the money i would give it to you. i just started a new job a couple of weeks ago and making barely enough to pay rent, keep my phone on, and pay out my 600 a month in student loans" (my job pays about 19k before chicago and fed taxes)"i cand do some kind of payment plan."
while we're talking my phone rings again and its AES on the other line. calling about one dollar and eighty fucking cents, i shit you not.
"well sir, how much do you make" exasperation tinges her voice. "im not authorized to do a payment plan until i know that along with your mortgage or rent."
"well i make 19k and my rent is 200 a mo" i live wth my gf. it should be 450 but shes letting it slide for now
"thank you sir" she interupts me
"well wait a minute" i interupt her "hold on a sec. i have 70k in student loan debt. doesnt that matter?"
silence. then "well its not really a part of our equations. we do our calkalations based on housing and income" WHAT THE FUCK. ARE YOU SERIOUS? how fucking caniving is that? well next time ill just lump the 6 to 7 hundred a month i pay out to student debt in with my rent.
"based on what i calkalated can you make a 234 dollar good faith payment today?"
"no, if i could do that i would have just paid UIC directly and avoided all this mess."
"can you make a 100 dollar payment?"
"i dont know. maybe."
"okay i need your routing number and check number" WHAT!
"no, i said maybe. i need to do some calculating too and find out what i can afford to pay. i dont have any debt information in front of me because im at work right now"
"do you have your check book?"
"no im at work. im standing at the front counter right now, at my job, so i can make money to pay you people."
"well can you go and get it on your lunch break?"
"no, i walk to work. i cant get home and back here on my lunch break."
"well cant you just give me the routing number?"
what the fuck. listen to the words coming out of my fucking mouth!!!
"no, im at work. i dont have a car. if i could afford a car i could afford to pay you people."
pohone rings again. guess who? its ers. on another line. in another office. calling about the same fucking thing. literally to the T. i switch and then switch back to cynthia.
"i am car less. i have a hard enough time just keeping my phone on just so i can get calls from you people six times a day. i walk to work. i dont have my checkbook because when i left i planned on going to work. not to the bank. its what i do on week days."
"well can you call me tonight then so we can discuss this matter?"
"there isnt much else to discuss unless you're coming up with smaller monthly payments. i need to go home and review some information and my finances and ill get back to you as soon as i can and hopefully itll be with good news."
literally twenty minutes later phone rings again. ERS. about the same thing. i tell the new lady i just talked to cynthia. must be a fake name because she had no fucking clue who that was. i tell her everything i told the first lady. she tries to play the "oh i know youre struggling but i just want to help you. do you have a routing number today? well call me back tomorrow at 9am." which turned right before she hung up to "ill call you tomorrow at 9am." which i promptly corrected
"dont call me. ill call you with information."
but she tries to play the "i identify with your position and want to do whats best for you and my company and get this resolved as quickly (left out satisfactorially) as possible" but i wasnt buying it. they always do that. see the thing is... that person on the other end doesnt fucking identify with you. they dont know what it feels like to get these calls year after fucking YEAR after FUCKING YEAR. they have no fucking clue. and thats why i want to strangle them. i want to put their eyes in meat grinders. i want to beat their children till their skin comes off in wet sheets. i want to pull their teeth out one mm at a time, suck the ripped nerve ending out of it and spit it into their empty eye sockets. they have no idea what its like to not sleep... to grind your teeth... to jump everytime your fucking phone rings.... to miss job opportunities because you didnt recognize the incoming calls number... agonize over spending 99 cents on a fucking piece of candy because it might make or break you that month.
its a fucking industry. and every day this goes on. it makes me wish more and more. that i hadnt aspired to anything more than dropping out of highschool and learning how to fucking dig ditches, flip burgers, and never look past the end of my own dick. fuck education. thats how the lending situation as it stands today makes me feel. its gonna take decades before i can even dream about telling my future kids differently. let alone anyone else who asks me for advice. the wonderful usa is pay to play. and you better be fucking prepared to pay or your fucked. they might not smash off the back of your head with a hammer and fuck your gray matter today... but theyll get you. they got nothing but time.
///nine inch nails - right where it belongs (year zero): yeah i get that feeling sometimes trent. your a poet and a scholar, but mostly you're just honest.
they let you sign yourself up (and hopefully one of your parents too) to recieve a bacterial infection. Since you cant pay your way or get perfect grades and be in every club (probably because you're a normal fucking person with real concerns in life from a less than absolutely supportive and financially endowed family and youre probably in that big square part of the standard distribution of human beings under the age of 25) the rules clearly state that if you receive this infection you can go to college. the infection degrades your health and your prospects and your financial reputation and your bank account for up to 30 years and is removed if you pay the people that gave you the infection the cost of tuition plus an arbitrary amount of additional money so that they dont have to work and can go on vacations to exotic places and pay for their kids to go to college. but if you dont pay them back and pay for their vacations, and their kids to go to college, within 30 years, sometimes as little as 15, then the infection metastasizes and kills your work life, financial, family life, and cuts you off from all sources of material/meaningful help.
actual phone call today. keep in mind i answer at least 4 of these a day. I recieve between 8 and 12 every god damn day. "hi im calling on behalf of ers a collection company for UIC. we're calling about 6k you owe. will you be able to close that out today?"
"no. of course not. if i was able i would have done so months ago."
"well the account has been... is delinquent" (i made the fucking payment to keep it out of collections the business day before... but hey its my "deadbeat" word against their "without fault" system. the account was never delinquent before either hence its newly minted arrival at ers) "and we need to close it out immediatel-"
i interrupt her "look, if i had the money i would give it to you. i just started a new job a couple of weeks ago and making barely enough to pay rent, keep my phone on, and pay out my 600 a month in student loans" (my job pays about 19k before chicago and fed taxes)"i cand do some kind of payment plan."
while we're talking my phone rings again and its AES on the other line. calling about one dollar and eighty fucking cents, i shit you not.
"well sir, how much do you make" exasperation tinges her voice. "im not authorized to do a payment plan until i know that along with your mortgage or rent."
"well i make 19k and my rent is 200 a mo" i live wth my gf. it should be 450 but shes letting it slide for now
"thank you sir" she interupts me
"well wait a minute" i interupt her "hold on a sec. i have 70k in student loan debt. doesnt that matter?"
silence. then "well its not really a part of our equations. we do our calkalations based on housing and income" WHAT THE FUCK. ARE YOU SERIOUS? how fucking caniving is that? well next time ill just lump the 6 to 7 hundred a month i pay out to student debt in with my rent.
"based on what i calkalated can you make a 234 dollar good faith payment today?"
"no, if i could do that i would have just paid UIC directly and avoided all this mess."
"can you make a 100 dollar payment?"
"i dont know. maybe."
"okay i need your routing number and check number" WHAT!
"no, i said maybe. i need to do some calculating too and find out what i can afford to pay. i dont have any debt information in front of me because im at work right now"
"do you have your check book?"
"no im at work. im standing at the front counter right now, at my job, so i can make money to pay you people."
"well can you go and get it on your lunch break?"
"no, i walk to work. i cant get home and back here on my lunch break."
"well cant you just give me the routing number?"
what the fuck. listen to the words coming out of my fucking mouth!!!
"no, im at work. i dont have a car. if i could afford a car i could afford to pay you people."
pohone rings again. guess who? its ers. on another line. in another office. calling about the same fucking thing. literally to the T. i switch and then switch back to cynthia.
"i am car less. i have a hard enough time just keeping my phone on just so i can get calls from you people six times a day. i walk to work. i dont have my checkbook because when i left i planned on going to work. not to the bank. its what i do on week days."
"well can you call me tonight then so we can discuss this matter?"
"there isnt much else to discuss unless you're coming up with smaller monthly payments. i need to go home and review some information and my finances and ill get back to you as soon as i can and hopefully itll be with good news."
literally twenty minutes later phone rings again. ERS. about the same thing. i tell the new lady i just talked to cynthia. must be a fake name because she had no fucking clue who that was. i tell her everything i told the first lady. she tries to play the "oh i know youre struggling but i just want to help you. do you have a routing number today? well call me back tomorrow at 9am." which turned right before she hung up to "ill call you tomorrow at 9am." which i promptly corrected
"dont call me. ill call you with information."
but she tries to play the "i identify with your position and want to do whats best for you and my company and get this resolved as quickly (left out satisfactorially) as possible" but i wasnt buying it. they always do that. see the thing is... that person on the other end doesnt fucking identify with you. they dont know what it feels like to get these calls year after fucking YEAR after FUCKING YEAR. they have no fucking clue. and thats why i want to strangle them. i want to put their eyes in meat grinders. i want to beat their children till their skin comes off in wet sheets. i want to pull their teeth out one mm at a time, suck the ripped nerve ending out of it and spit it into their empty eye sockets. they have no idea what its like to not sleep... to grind your teeth... to jump everytime your fucking phone rings.... to miss job opportunities because you didnt recognize the incoming calls number... agonize over spending 99 cents on a fucking piece of candy because it might make or break you that month.
its a fucking industry. and every day this goes on. it makes me wish more and more. that i hadnt aspired to anything more than dropping out of highschool and learning how to fucking dig ditches, flip burgers, and never look past the end of my own dick. fuck education. thats how the lending situation as it stands today makes me feel. its gonna take decades before i can even dream about telling my future kids differently. let alone anyone else who asks me for advice. the wonderful usa is pay to play. and you better be fucking prepared to pay or your fucked. they might not smash off the back of your head with a hammer and fuck your gray matter today... but theyll get you. they got nothing but time.
///nine inch nails - right where it belongs (year zero): yeah i get that feeling sometimes trent. your a poet and a scholar, but mostly you're just honest.
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