Commercial Pitch A43-1 "Great Day"

Has your day gone incredibly well?  Have you set out successfully, avoided traffic, made it home in reasonable time and been fairly productive while at your work site?  Do you feel fairly confident in your abilities to produce results that justify your employment and pay and are you satisfied with what you have accomplished and ready to relax the night away?  Well, have we got the product for you!

From the makers of "It turned out my car keys fell under the car and were not locked inside", "I locked my front door after all", and "The stove was not on while I was away," comes the absolutely ground breaking "Today went so well I can't wait to relax!"

With each order of Tow Sow Lax you will receive a full sleeve of 25 medical grade razor blades and an easy change safety handle.  That's twenty five blades that a surgeon would be exceptionally impressed with.  These blades are so sharp they can cut through balsa wood simply by dropping them edge on.  Along with the 25 blades you will also receive one magnifying monocle with comfort grip foam eyepiece so that you never have to worry about it slipping away from your furrowed brow.  Also included is one 1000 lumens, rechargeable head lamp.  That's right, 1000 lumens that will follow your gaze wherever you direct it that will easily charge in hours from any USB port to full strength within hours!  Any USB port!  That means your wall charger for your phone, your computer, your monitor, your laptop, anything that has a compatible standard sized USB receptacle.

With all of that you don't need to ask what's more!  We'll tell you!  Included with your sleeve of 25 medical grade razor blades, easy change safety handle, comfort grip magnifying monocle, and 1000 lumens quick charge head lamp, comes a full assortment self adhesive, self sanitizing bandages in 8 different colors to fit whatever your style or mood may be.  Not only are they self adhering and sanitizing, but they are also water resistant and breathable!  With all of this included we will throw in with every order our patented easy open jar of foot glass.  With two different sizes of dispensing holes you can sprinkle along your walk paths in your apartments whatever sized shards of glass you want!

When you come home and feel absolutely stricken with a sense of general well being and feel like today went so well that you can't wait to relax, Tow Sow Lax is there for you.  Sprinkle a little in the kitchen before leaving for work, sprinkle a little near your bed when you wake up, pour a bunch into the carpet on the stairs to your laundry room, apply some to your slippers or your bath mat.  Come home after work, kick off your shoes, and let that good feeling melt away in eye watering stabs of agony and disgust.  And for a few cents more on the dollar we will throw in our extra Tow Sow Lax for tires and sneakers.  Don't have time to take off your shoes or slippers?  Going for a bike ride right after work instead of into your home?  Tow Sow Lax XL will have you sitting for hours going blind from brilliant light trying to find that tiny glimmer of glass between swiping blood from between your toes only to find you cannot see a damn thing once again and have in fact forced it deeper into your flesh.

Tow Sow Lax!  Keep on digging (tweezers sold separately, shipping and handling extra, cash and checks are not accepted).

That Instant

you stick your head in the ground and scream and laugh, thinking about the Simpsons episode where acid rain melts his uhf/vhf antenna in his yard and screams and runs out to fix it and then screams from the burn of the rain and runs back inside and then screams at the static hissing at him from his television and runs back outside to fix it and then screams from the burn of the acid rain and runs back inside... ...and you pull your head out of the ground and look around at the world and scream at the absurdity burning up the walls all around you and you stick your head back in the ground and scream at yourself for being close minded and believing it will sort itself out or go away if you ignore it long enough and then pull your head out of the ground and scream at the horror and violence and stupidity and ignorance infecting and eating the veins of the world around you and you stick your head back in the ground and scream and laugh until you pass you out from exhaustion.

That Instant

laying yourself to bed feels like hauling as hard as you can on the simple machines that make a crossbow go.

Dear (_____)

Dear automobiles,

The first one will hopefully make owning the second one a lot easier to own and work on.  I mean, it gets boggling building a complete tool set:

"You need a standard set of sockets, not metric.  Not standard regular sockets, you need deep metric sockets.  Standard pass through wrenches only.  Low profile wide mouth 12 point sockets only with a two foot cheater bar and universal joint."  The small costs add up quickly, but the things you cannot do shrink quickly too."

You're pretty alright, automobiles.  I plan on keeping the one of you I own until I've got every tool I'll ever need to keep you running forever.  Or until I can afford a new one.  Or 300,000 miles.  Whichever comes first.

Scratch that.  The first one or the second one.  Even if I can afford a new one, I'll keep you for as long as you'll keep running for me.

lovingly yours,

a shadetree

Dear (_____)

got himself a universe,

dear gaming,

I am not a peacemaker.  I feel terrible trying to play an even game with people that do not understand altruism.  I wonder why I continue to go back to them and try to make it go at a speed they can understand.  I fail every tine.   I try not to be sour or soggy about trying to change them.  It is incredibly frustrating.  I do not understand why they cannot see it.  They believe they are being pro.  Maybe what I have to do is treat them how they treat me instead of treating them how I want to be treated.  Maybe treating them is firing off signals they cannot comprehend.  Either way, what I think I am going to do is take the last ride and then cut him off.  Stay solvent.  Being someone else's crutch is  a bad way to be and I'm not about that life.

That Instant

you realize your friend is not into it for the fun and you are thoroughly disappointed.

The Best Thing

about being in the kitchen is being in the kitchen with you because you know that times been rough and i can not play a duck and we are still the head hunters too!  F---.  Being in the kitchen with you is.

That Instant

you've been there before and cannot help visiting again.

That Instant

you know you're going to yak.

That Instant

four hours later, when your intestines gurgle when the swath of fridge light spreads and you peer in to notice your half gallon of 2% milk is down to a pint and you realize you probably should not have listened to the little voice that said "the protein shake will sit fine" after that bowl of cereal and peanut butter and jelly sandwich milkshake for breakfast before the gym.

A Bad Case of the Quits

Think about all the things you can't do.  Body lock.  Sleeping fourteen hours a day to avoid the giant shadows in my head.  Long sleeps and short breaths because there is no way you can get yourself into trouble if you're not there.  It's great to imagine a world where everyone is not all home upstairs to feel a little more comfortable around you and less self conscious or conscious of the world around here.  Impossible to dodge or sidestep.  Autofold.

Or maybe I'm just mapping out new ways to find a path to talk about depressed.  Nothing is immediately wrong, but long term is up in the air and the stress of the attempt to figure out where things might land is flat-lining my ability to comprehend channels that run outside of mathematic doubt?  I am in a funk.  I've seen the rise of the range to climb and am set out with gear and guide and 300 miles and ten days later we are what feels like no closer in the range's foothills.  Still, hand cupped to eye, tall grass marched, toward the snowy summit's bouldered base.

It is always difficult thinking about what the point is.  To map uncharted territories?  To have a point of reference?  To exercise the brain and verify its function?  To cope?  To record history?  Attack?  Report?  Defuse?  Modify?  Survive?  You're bumming me out, man!  What is the point?  You could simplify things greatly by eliminating yourself from the equation.  Speedometer, bruh.  Yeah, yeah.  There are many and a several reasons to be alive.  Number one being that the planet is a phenomenal place all its own.

Number two being that the planet's weather, moods, and neighbors are just as magical.  How could you not want to see what happens next?  To hell with purpose.  Have pleasure in you and your own adventure.  To what end?  For what purpose?  For what reason?  Dunno.  Just thought it'd be fun.  Just thought it'd be a sight.  Just thought life alone is not all cupcakes and daydreaming and that's quite alright.  Bad hands, bad turns, bad lands... I'm rhyming again.  Bad hands and bad turns are just facts of being alive.  No reason to quit.  No reason to think about disappearing.  No matter how absurd the turns get, how unfair the hands go out, stick with it.  Don't quit.  You never know if the next sunrises colors will be like anything you've ever seen before.

///Moderat - "A New Error"

That Instant

you remember the combination to the combination lock on your isness and rub your palm across it to reset the cylinders.