Subject : the starvation diet continues
Posted Date: : May 31, 2007 3:39 PM
more and more i ask myself "is it worth it" less and less. kind of a disjoint sentence, but there are worse things, like having your tongue fall out. in the grand mother fucking scheme of things a few months is like a few months. in a decade there are 120 months. three months. one hundred. and twenty. months. three months. 3 months not so big. in lieu of the beautacious anne to bounce my lunacy off of ive taken up reading. you would think that a writer would read a lot, but a writer, namely me, dont necessasarily do that.
dont get me wrong, i read a lot. just not a lot of the things i would prefer to be reading at any given moment in time. im thinking once i finish my american beauty | donnie darko parody i'll post it here.... and then start on a 14 page poem to my lover. yeah thats right. romantic, i know. whats that? not what you were thinking? you put another word in front of the "i know?" well good for you. you should probably congratulate yourself if you haven't already. you have? well, fine job. anyway, i want to do this because i want to mail her something. i've never mailed anything to spain before so this is somewhat of an exhillirating idea for me. probably not so much, you. i also want to get started writing a poem everyday. just because its healthy. in a very healthful way. to be in a very healthful way.
i really reallllly want to go to spain to be with her. i would potentially ride in a crate with a single airhole on a cut rate airline and assuming i didnt get there dead it would all have been worth it. but since i would probably not survive the trip ill just wait for her to come back, possibly twiddle my thumbs, and also possibly get a tatoo and another ear piercing. a tatoo of what is the question. i really wanted a snowflake, but now i feel like there are better symbols to describe myself to people who dont know me who might see me shirtless at the beach or something. im still leaning toward a snowflake but i could also go for animals (real or imagined), other elemental/weather symbols, and possibly man made objects, excluding crosses. i could also go for names... maybe. i should probably wait on names till knots have been tied... which may or may not happen. you never know how things will go when you're just 22. im trying not to over run myself to the point of being delusional about love. im pretty sure my results are mixed.
ive taken to shouting at my guinea pig. he doesnt understand anyway. more on our relationship next time. ill try to include more illegally copied internet pictures too. no one likes a dry martini unless theyre pretending to.
///mum - "there is a number of small things" a classic builder song. elements are added and added as what i would call the chorus... maybe just the chore chords cycle round and round... until the song reaches its peak 4 and a half minutes in. from there it begins to slowly unravel into a number of small things, each one precious and vital as a gem stone in a black velvet pouch. give it a listen on a tuesday night. yes. a tuesday night.
Clean with alcohol only. Do not attempt to replace blown fuses. Do not remove access panels. Return to certified mechanic for regular maintenance. Made in the USA.
5/30/07
old feelings 05/30/07
Subject : old feelings ain't nothing new
Posted Date: : May 30, 2007 11:29 PM
something i immediately miss about smoking cigarettes, beyond the non-specific sensations of wanting to smoke something, is having an excuse to go outside at anytime. not that i cant go outside anytime, i just cant exactly go outside and do pushups or go outside for a run at 2am. you gotta keep close to the lights outside your house or you might get shanked or something. you could just go outside and look up at the sky if you want, but it feels too flowery... too romantic. it's probably just my poor retarded notions getting in the way of me enjoying something i would otherwise enjoy. i guess everything doesnt have to be dark to be enjoyable. just some things. but anyway... the point is i miss cigarettes because they were my excuse to do some things i enjoyed doing but wouldn't do otherwise. which is nice to know. cuz now i dont need them for those purposes, or at least that singular purpose of going outside at odd hours.
i also recently thought about what would happen if i cheated on my gf. its a thought that crosses anyones mind when theyre hugely sexually starved... or intellectually starved... or cuddly starved... basically malnourished because their partner isnt near enough to water their needs whenever the ground beneath their feet gets a little parched... but anyway THE POINT IS after maybe twenty seconds of consideration i came to the conclusion that absolutely nothing good would come of it. then i made a huge bowl of mac and cheese with a ton of milk and ate until my face blushed. actually im gonna take a minute to eat some more.
alright that was awesome. these are all basically old feelings. at least the second and third thirds of it are. this being the third third. like everyone else i wish i could sleep on nights when the moon shines so clearly on my back. and i wish i could make people happy. or at least myself happy. ah well. lets hope im getting there. i think my greatest fear is probably stagnation.
///talvin singh - "one" a 12 minute track that opens up what i believe is his third album, called Ha. the most cerebral 12 minutes of indian electronica ive ever heard. the composition is as technically pleasing as it is aurally stimulating. the sound is, for lack of a better descriptor and sleepiness closing in, comforting like the songs of a mother to a baby's ears.
Posted Date: : May 30, 2007 11:29 PM
something i immediately miss about smoking cigarettes, beyond the non-specific sensations of wanting to smoke something, is having an excuse to go outside at anytime. not that i cant go outside anytime, i just cant exactly go outside and do pushups or go outside for a run at 2am. you gotta keep close to the lights outside your house or you might get shanked or something. you could just go outside and look up at the sky if you want, but it feels too flowery... too romantic. it's probably just my poor retarded notions getting in the way of me enjoying something i would otherwise enjoy. i guess everything doesnt have to be dark to be enjoyable. just some things. but anyway... the point is i miss cigarettes because they were my excuse to do some things i enjoyed doing but wouldn't do otherwise. which is nice to know. cuz now i dont need them for those purposes, or at least that singular purpose of going outside at odd hours.
i also recently thought about what would happen if i cheated on my gf. its a thought that crosses anyones mind when theyre hugely sexually starved... or intellectually starved... or cuddly starved... basically malnourished because their partner isnt near enough to water their needs whenever the ground beneath their feet gets a little parched... but anyway THE POINT IS after maybe twenty seconds of consideration i came to the conclusion that absolutely nothing good would come of it. then i made a huge bowl of mac and cheese with a ton of milk and ate until my face blushed. actually im gonna take a minute to eat some more.
alright that was awesome. these are all basically old feelings. at least the second and third thirds of it are. this being the third third. like everyone else i wish i could sleep on nights when the moon shines so clearly on my back. and i wish i could make people happy. or at least myself happy. ah well. lets hope im getting there. i think my greatest fear is probably stagnation.
///talvin singh - "one" a 12 minute track that opens up what i believe is his third album, called Ha. the most cerebral 12 minutes of indian electronica ive ever heard. the composition is as technically pleasing as it is aurally stimulating. the sound is, for lack of a better descriptor and sleepiness closing in, comforting like the songs of a mother to a baby's ears.
5/29/07
zoetrope 05/29/07
Subject : zoetrope
Posted Date: : May 29, 2007 11:53 PM
here we are again. writing to you from my cave. i realized i enjoyed living in caves a while back. i built myself a den instead of a loft. it was great. i had a mattress that was bigger than a queen size. and christmas lights. everythings better with christmas lights. and fireflies.
so im a little docile. i ate a couple of mouthfulls of robitussin to help me sleep. so i can wake up rested you know. i was gonna go jog today but i ended up walking around in my flip flops for half an hour instead. im really looking forward to sleeping so early. its only 1am. the good thing about having so much energy during the day is that it feels so satisfying when its all gone.
what is not satisfying is that my paycheck is going to be delayed by about two weeks on top of the two week waiting period. im too tired to cuss and spit about it so i wont. i am really bushed. i miss sex. and smoking cigarettes.
i saw some children playing today. riding tricycles as hard as they could. i thought about how hard i tried to grow up so fast and i felt something stab through me that was probably regret. could've been disgust. or envy. but if i had to lay money on the table i would put my chips on 22 black. everything is wasted on everyone. whatever happend to contented living. its the one thing i think im going to really take away with me this summer. few things feel better than watching the sunlight slide down the window pane after work with the moon grasping for its tails.
i watched the first stars pop out tonight. they felt warm.
///boards of canada - "zoetrope" a song featuring all the shifty mixed feelings starlight can induce. but also a song that pulses and thins like sun streaks from an aperture that catches too much light... like dreaming at 3.33 in the afternoon.
Posted Date: : May 29, 2007 11:53 PM
here we are again. writing to you from my cave. i realized i enjoyed living in caves a while back. i built myself a den instead of a loft. it was great. i had a mattress that was bigger than a queen size. and christmas lights. everythings better with christmas lights. and fireflies.
so im a little docile. i ate a couple of mouthfulls of robitussin to help me sleep. so i can wake up rested you know. i was gonna go jog today but i ended up walking around in my flip flops for half an hour instead. im really looking forward to sleeping so early. its only 1am. the good thing about having so much energy during the day is that it feels so satisfying when its all gone.
what is not satisfying is that my paycheck is going to be delayed by about two weeks on top of the two week waiting period. im too tired to cuss and spit about it so i wont. i am really bushed. i miss sex. and smoking cigarettes.
i saw some children playing today. riding tricycles as hard as they could. i thought about how hard i tried to grow up so fast and i felt something stab through me that was probably regret. could've been disgust. or envy. but if i had to lay money on the table i would put my chips on 22 black. everything is wasted on everyone. whatever happend to contented living. its the one thing i think im going to really take away with me this summer. few things feel better than watching the sunlight slide down the window pane after work with the moon grasping for its tails.
i watched the first stars pop out tonight. they felt warm.
///boards of canada - "zoetrope" a song featuring all the shifty mixed feelings starlight can induce. but also a song that pulses and thins like sun streaks from an aperture that catches too much light... like dreaming at 3.33 in the afternoon.
5/27/07
stop putting tae diggs in movies 05/27/07
Subject : stop putting tae diggs in movies
Posted Date: : May 27, 2007 3:50 AM
i dont even know if his name actually is tae diggs. all i know is he's been the token black anti-hero on more tent-pole pics than i can count on one hand. the other problem is that i know he's been in more movies that i just cant remember in their entireity because they were too shitty to stick. all i have are commercial clips with indistinct hip hop and that ominous movie dude voice going.
he's a terrible actor. he's worse than jamie foxx was when he did his first movie. worse than snoop dogg in the movie about black vampires. worse than the voice acting in american anime. worse than a grilled cheese sandwich made with powdered parmesian and olive oil.... worse than the fucking godzilla versus king kong dvd i bought for 2.50 a couple weeks ago. if anyone is paying this person anything it should be dirty kleenexes with sad faces on it used to wipe the asses of people in retirement homes. he should be paying the industry... or at least be forced to do a thousand hours of community service for every half million a movie makes that he even shows his face in. i hate his acting.
on another note. i just stopped being sick today. it was pretty strange. it started off almost a week ago with a sore throat that turned into a completely raw throat featuring spitting up blood and other unmentionable etceteras (bastardised i know, but i dont care that much). then a fever kicked in a few days ago that kept rising until this morning, ending at the wonderfully heady peak of 102 degrees centaheit. and then i coughed up a pair of jagged grape sized wads of blood and my raw throat suddenly downgraded to a sore throat. a lot less blood in the spit. which is nice. i still wonder what those jagged things were but i havent developed the stomach to go poking around my wastebasket for them... let alone disecting them. i just hope they dont hatch into something. that would be gross as ... something really stomach turning. im probably going to have nightmares about that. ah well.
Posted Date: : May 27, 2007 3:50 AM
i dont even know if his name actually is tae diggs. all i know is he's been the token black anti-hero on more tent-pole pics than i can count on one hand. the other problem is that i know he's been in more movies that i just cant remember in their entireity because they were too shitty to stick. all i have are commercial clips with indistinct hip hop and that ominous movie dude voice going.
he's a terrible actor. he's worse than jamie foxx was when he did his first movie. worse than snoop dogg in the movie about black vampires. worse than the voice acting in american anime. worse than a grilled cheese sandwich made with powdered parmesian and olive oil.... worse than the fucking godzilla versus king kong dvd i bought for 2.50 a couple weeks ago. if anyone is paying this person anything it should be dirty kleenexes with sad faces on it used to wipe the asses of people in retirement homes. he should be paying the industry... or at least be forced to do a thousand hours of community service for every half million a movie makes that he even shows his face in. i hate his acting.
on another note. i just stopped being sick today. it was pretty strange. it started off almost a week ago with a sore throat that turned into a completely raw throat featuring spitting up blood and other unmentionable etceteras (bastardised i know, but i dont care that much). then a fever kicked in a few days ago that kept rising until this morning, ending at the wonderfully heady peak of 102 degrees centaheit. and then i coughed up a pair of jagged grape sized wads of blood and my raw throat suddenly downgraded to a sore throat. a lot less blood in the spit. which is nice. i still wonder what those jagged things were but i havent developed the stomach to go poking around my wastebasket for them... let alone disecting them. i just hope they dont hatch into something. that would be gross as ... something really stomach turning. im probably going to have nightmares about that. ah well.
fuck you & hell yes 05/27/07
Subject : fuck you & hell yes | hell no summertime
Posted Date: : May 27, 2007 3:02 AM
fuck you people that do dumb shit like post comments that say things like "hmmm interesting just thought you would want to see this GREAT WEBSITE." if this is you, you should probably not kill yourself. what you should probably not not do is tickle and elephants hind legs until they buckle, causing the elephant to sit on you, possibly asphixiating you with its asshole, but otherwise crushing you to death. it wont be easy finding an elephant... but click HEARE for GRRRREAT WEBSITE where they are giving away 500 dollar tickle sessions. fuck head.
the summer time is awesome. beautiful. depressing. happifying. all that good stuff that reminds you why you love waiting for it, hate it when its ending, and sleep through a lot of it while its here. that being said... my summer time is not awesome. summertime. summer time? who really cares. my summer time is sucking. my lady love is in spain. one of my favorite passtimes (in case it hasnt been made clear yet, masturbation) is not working at all... and i dont have internet access at my desk so my elbows keep going numb cuz im using the half laptop (accidentally ripped the lcd off) i have laying on my bed. the only thing i have to entertain me is my furniture moving job andmy other shit. shit being writing. im going to read a book about narrative design. since i cant seem to win anything at my school narrative wise. they can all go to ... i dont know... fuckin chuckie cheese for all i care. assholes. im just unhappy. not happy with the summer time. i feel like writing some philosophical stories might help me feel less worse. eh. fuck you. hell yes? hell no. i hate summertime.
and one more thing. what the hell is homestyle white gravy anyway! i hate commercials. and bad anime. and i hate how commercials are just taking turns portraying whites and blacks as idiots. what is that racial sparring bullshit. RAWR.
///dj acucrack - "platinum" heavy strobe lights. annoying swells. sore ears. and somehow it keeps feeling good. unlike summer everyday. fucking sound life.
Posted Date: : May 27, 2007 3:02 AM
fuck you people that do dumb shit like post comments that say things like "hmmm interesting just thought you would want to see this GREAT WEBSITE." if this is you, you should probably not kill yourself. what you should probably not not do is tickle and elephants hind legs until they buckle, causing the elephant to sit on you, possibly asphixiating you with its asshole, but otherwise crushing you to death. it wont be easy finding an elephant... but click HEARE for GRRRREAT WEBSITE where they are giving away 500 dollar tickle sessions. fuck head.
the summer time is awesome. beautiful. depressing. happifying. all that good stuff that reminds you why you love waiting for it, hate it when its ending, and sleep through a lot of it while its here. that being said... my summer time is not awesome. summertime. summer time? who really cares. my summer time is sucking. my lady love is in spain. one of my favorite passtimes (in case it hasnt been made clear yet, masturbation) is not working at all... and i dont have internet access at my desk so my elbows keep going numb cuz im using the half laptop (accidentally ripped the lcd off) i have laying on my bed. the only thing i have to entertain me is my furniture moving job andmy other shit. shit being writing. im going to read a book about narrative design. since i cant seem to win anything at my school narrative wise. they can all go to ... i dont know... fuckin chuckie cheese for all i care. assholes. im just unhappy. not happy with the summer time. i feel like writing some philosophical stories might help me feel less worse. eh. fuck you. hell yes? hell no. i hate summertime.
and one more thing. what the hell is homestyle white gravy anyway! i hate commercials. and bad anime. and i hate how commercials are just taking turns portraying whites and blacks as idiots. what is that racial sparring bullshit. RAWR.
///dj acucrack - "platinum" heavy strobe lights. annoying swells. sore ears. and somehow it keeps feeling good. unlike summer everyday. fucking sound life.
5/12/07
and then the telephone started 05/12/07
Subject : and then the telephone started
Posted Date: : May 12, 2007 9:35 PM
the telephone is ringing and im not answering because im busy living at the moment and it requires my attentions.
may 21 i should have more time to do things like sit and ponder. i could have said think but there's something about the word ponder that's reminscent of chucking big smooth rocks into a little lake and hearing the plunk echo off the bottom of a foot bridge while some kid in a wide brimmed twine hat fishes and the sun busies itself with setting.
be back then.
<3
Posted Date: : May 12, 2007 9:35 PM
the telephone is ringing and im not answering because im busy living at the moment and it requires my attentions.
may 21 i should have more time to do things like sit and ponder. i could have said think but there's something about the word ponder that's reminscent of chucking big smooth rocks into a little lake and hearing the plunk echo off the bottom of a foot bridge while some kid in a wide brimmed twine hat fishes and the sun busies itself with setting.
be back then.
<3
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