Clean with alcohol only. Do not attempt to replace blown fuses. Do not remove access panels. Return to certified mechanic for regular maintenance. Made in the USA.
5/18/12
That Instant
you realize that, yeah, that dream you had when you were ten years old, the one where you a had a tail and life was awesome because you had a big bushy tail, is a dream you still wish could come true.
5/17/12
Dear (_____)
Dear cake,
Please stop giving me boners. Not that I feel it's inappropriate for a man to be turned on by thoughts of eating cake, because cake is delicious. And there are probably fifty other less appropriate things that turn me on. It's just that when I'm not thinking about sex, I'm probably thinking about either cake or early 80s Japanese imports (cars), and, quite frankly, no one should have to walk around with a chubby for that many of their waking hours.
sincerely,
did I really just lose an hour and a half of my life masturbating?
Please stop giving me boners. Not that I feel it's inappropriate for a man to be turned on by thoughts of eating cake, because cake is delicious. And there are probably fifty other less appropriate things that turn me on. It's just that when I'm not thinking about sex, I'm probably thinking about either cake or early 80s Japanese imports (cars), and, quite frankly, no one should have to walk around with a chubby for that many of their waking hours.
sincerely,
did I really just lose an hour and a half of my life masturbating?
The Best Thing
about headphones is that no one knows if you're listening or paying attention or not. I reserve all interpolation rights. In other words, you can't talk to me unless I want to be spoken to. There's no real way to do that effectively, except through wearing some type of obstructing device, whether it operates as an obstruction or is inoperable and in so being operates as a symbol of obstruction just as powerful. So yeah. Nice.
5/16/12
That Instant
you realize your cat has captured, executed, and disposed of every single headband you owned and your bad hair day is about to get a lot rougher than you ever imagined.
The Super L33t Effect
The l33t effect in salary capped sports, and to a lesser degree uncapped sports, in America is a shame. It has nothing to do with LeBron as a person, or his mental toughness, or what he does in "winning" time, or crunch time, or whether or not he steps up in big moments, or is "passive", or whatever. The only thing it has to do with is the perception that you have to, absolutely have to be paid requisite to your abilities and relative to your peers at all times and to do anything less would be an admission of some kind of failing in your skill set, relative to everyone else playing the same game, and is absolutely unacceptable.
I mean, I get it: professional athletes are competitive in every aspect of their game and it makes sense that the competitive "I am the best, I will get the best" mentality bleeds over into other aspects of their lives. I wasn't terribly shocked when Tiger Woods slept with other women. The guy's a competitor. Were you really shocked back in the day when Tanya paid that guy to smash Nancy's leg with a hammer? Did I get those names in the right order? I hope I'm remembering that correctly. Anyway, when athletes do ridiculous things, why is anyone terribly shocked? 9/10ths of their lives is spent growing up in their sport and continuing that sport on an adult level against other people who have devoted the greater parts of their lives to the same game would, could, and does warp them with respect to 9 to 5 human beings who don't do what they love (not even close) and who haven't been doing it since they were old enough to... I dunno... carry a plate from the kitchen to their table and back when they were done eating.
What I've been thinking is that the LeBron effect basically makes it harder to win as a team, rather than easier. Maybe call it the A-Rod effect, or don't. That wouldn't be all that accurate as there aren't salary caps in baseball. You can throw away as much money as you want depending on your market. It's still there though, but a shadow of what it is in capped sports. In salary capped leagues the ultra l33t athlete effect is real. Basically, you are awesome. Well, I should start off by saying "this is where it starts." So, basically, you are awesome at what you do. Top twenty in the country. In the top fifty human beings on the face of the Earth at whatever thing it is that you do.
However, the only way you get to do it, is by signing on with a team and the team only has so much money to spend. On top of that, there is already an established amount of money everyone else who can't do it as well as you gets paid. So you have to be paid more because you're better than them. It'd be like a CEO of a grocery store being paid bagger money. The money establishes, or rather, confirms hierarchy. Pay grades are like school grades in that way. The problem arises when you are so good that a team has to pay you so much money that there is none left to pay the baggers or cashiers or maintenance staff and the grocery store eventually folds, but damn there was a good CEO leading them straight into the ground. You could take less money, but taking less money would be the same as saying "I'm not the best at what I do and I want to acknowledge it publicly."
The super l33t effect basically rots out the infrastructure, completely blows it out. So as contracts inflate, the model of a few super l33ts surrounded by dreck grows less and less tenable. I guess what I'm getting at is this: every time something goes wrong with the Miami Heat NBA team and the finger pointing starts up, I cringe a little bit. It is a no win situation for that team and everyone involved. If they do eventually win a championship or two, it will be great, but I think it will be the last time, at least for the foreseeable future, that any general manager will make moves that will eat the massive majority of their available folding money on a massive minority of their players (the elite few on the team). It's a bit ridiculous. It's a self perpetuating system. If LeBron could take less money to bring in a better supporting cast, would he? I guess that's up for debate too. But, we'll never know. So screw it.
Either way, athletes are paid way too much money regardless. Average people aren't paid enough. And God, if he exists, is a Steelers fan. That is all.
I mean, I get it: professional athletes are competitive in every aspect of their game and it makes sense that the competitive "I am the best, I will get the best" mentality bleeds over into other aspects of their lives. I wasn't terribly shocked when Tiger Woods slept with other women. The guy's a competitor. Were you really shocked back in the day when Tanya paid that guy to smash Nancy's leg with a hammer? Did I get those names in the right order? I hope I'm remembering that correctly. Anyway, when athletes do ridiculous things, why is anyone terribly shocked? 9/10ths of their lives is spent growing up in their sport and continuing that sport on an adult level against other people who have devoted the greater parts of their lives to the same game would, could, and does warp them with respect to 9 to 5 human beings who don't do what they love (not even close) and who haven't been doing it since they were old enough to... I dunno... carry a plate from the kitchen to their table and back when they were done eating.
What I've been thinking is that the LeBron effect basically makes it harder to win as a team, rather than easier. Maybe call it the A-Rod effect, or don't. That wouldn't be all that accurate as there aren't salary caps in baseball. You can throw away as much money as you want depending on your market. It's still there though, but a shadow of what it is in capped sports. In salary capped leagues the ultra l33t athlete effect is real. Basically, you are awesome. Well, I should start off by saying "this is where it starts." So, basically, you are awesome at what you do. Top twenty in the country. In the top fifty human beings on the face of the Earth at whatever thing it is that you do.
However, the only way you get to do it, is by signing on with a team and the team only has so much money to spend. On top of that, there is already an established amount of money everyone else who can't do it as well as you gets paid. So you have to be paid more because you're better than them. It'd be like a CEO of a grocery store being paid bagger money. The money establishes, or rather, confirms hierarchy. Pay grades are like school grades in that way. The problem arises when you are so good that a team has to pay you so much money that there is none left to pay the baggers or cashiers or maintenance staff and the grocery store eventually folds, but damn there was a good CEO leading them straight into the ground. You could take less money, but taking less money would be the same as saying "I'm not the best at what I do and I want to acknowledge it publicly."
The super l33t effect basically rots out the infrastructure, completely blows it out. So as contracts inflate, the model of a few super l33ts surrounded by dreck grows less and less tenable. I guess what I'm getting at is this: every time something goes wrong with the Miami Heat NBA team and the finger pointing starts up, I cringe a little bit. It is a no win situation for that team and everyone involved. If they do eventually win a championship or two, it will be great, but I think it will be the last time, at least for the foreseeable future, that any general manager will make moves that will eat the massive majority of their available folding money on a massive minority of their players (the elite few on the team). It's a bit ridiculous. It's a self perpetuating system. If LeBron could take less money to bring in a better supporting cast, would he? I guess that's up for debate too. But, we'll never know. So screw it.
Either way, athletes are paid way too much money regardless. Average people aren't paid enough. And God, if he exists, is a Steelers fan. That is all.
5/9/12
Not Again. Yes Again
I pretty much exploded just about every single breaker on my mind this past weekend. It was rough. Massive overload. Massive violence. Memory loss. Found things in my apartment that did not belong to me that were covered in blood that was not mine. Strange stuff. Just a complete collapse that was punctuated by a friend in bad straits and there was nothing I could do really to help her, but god damn it I tried and I will try again if it happens again. Powerlessness. Is a terrible thing. Drives me to do and exercise the things I can do. Which are few. And most of those things lead to bad circumstances.
I know at some point my luck is going to run out and things will not go anywhere near the way I planned them. I will be on the wrong end of the violence and rage. Over my head without even knowing it. Without realizing it until it happens. I don't think I'll be all that upset though. A way out. Not the way out I would want, but how far I would go to resist is questionable. I don't think I would, beyond reflex. I did set out to specifically kill someone. Ended up in tears and bloodless. I suppose that was the second time. I don't remember what happened the first time. The point is I've got stop letting go like that. Gotta stop letting myself be provoked.
Control. Without control there is nothing. I can't afford to lose like that. Not yet. Still too much work to do. Gotta get my head back on straight if I'm going to live through the bull shit and the slippage and the blow outs and the
///Tosca - "Oscar" I've had the most fantastic dreams over the last two days about stories I need to write. I need to do it. I'm not really afraid of running out of time. I just know that time is running out of me like blood from a head wound.
I know at some point my luck is going to run out and things will not go anywhere near the way I planned them. I will be on the wrong end of the violence and rage. Over my head without even knowing it. Without realizing it until it happens. I don't think I'll be all that upset though. A way out. Not the way out I would want, but how far I would go to resist is questionable. I don't think I would, beyond reflex. I did set out to specifically kill someone. Ended up in tears and bloodless. I suppose that was the second time. I don't remember what happened the first time. The point is I've got stop letting go like that. Gotta stop letting myself be provoked.
Control. Without control there is nothing. I can't afford to lose like that. Not yet. Still too much work to do. Gotta get my head back on straight if I'm going to live through the bull shit and the slippage and the blow outs and the
///Tosca - "Oscar" I've had the most fantastic dreams over the last two days about stories I need to write. I need to do it. I'm not really afraid of running out of time. I just know that time is running out of me like blood from a head wound.
5/5/12
That Instant
you realize you are that far away from ever taking the MCAT because you were listening to an ESPN radio interview and the interviewee said "apoplectic" and you had to look it up eight hours later to make sure you understood what they were actually talking about...
5/4/12
Fingers Come Back
Hard notes, you know? Taking hard notes. Something like that. Something like that. Trying to get back into my own head. With a pick ax. You get locked out sometimes. Sometimes never. And I keep watching it all through the key hole in the wall, but I can't see what's going on. Eventually you have to kick down the door. Or something like that. More than anything you just want to be home. By home I mean here. By here I mean creating.
I've missed this dearly. The cost escalated unexpectedly. I abandoned the analogy of a fellowship a while ago. It's not. It has it's price, just like school. I haven't won anything and been magically transported to a place where my work is its own reward. It isn't. It is, but I still have to do other things while. That's the problem. The while. That's the only reason why I work. To resolve the "while." It's voluntary homework, in a way, I guess. Not doing it feels like time thrown away, because it is time thrown away. Dabbling has its worth too. Perpetual dabbling is dedication. My scars itch.
The important thing is the silence is broken. Silence is like ice. It floats and cools and makes more silence and then that silence grows larger and cools more efficiently and before you know it silence governs states and the only sustainable state is a block of silence. I'm not afraid of blank pages as much as I am afraid of animated silence. It takes on a life of its own. And there are enough things living inside my head already without the standing invitation of paranoia, paralysis, and perceptual gridlock. So consider this not some kind of apology as much as a declaration of continuity of the project to map the constellations before sunrise when everything fades to some kind of cloud stippled blue.
Return of the space oddity. Just in that cycle. Sweet dreams to you and yours. Communications from the farther reaches. My knuckles have healed nicely. Considering again the ethics of murder. Still coming up short, but resolution is. Something to work for and all that. Hard notes. Combing through heaps and heaps of notes and trying to describe what constitutes a soft note. Still looking. Money can buy a lot of things, for everything else there are armories? I dunno. Wrx in progress. But at least we can rest easy knowing we are not forgeries. Not even close.
///Cleveland Lounge - "Drowning (Joshua Ryan Mix)" ...3:59
I've missed this dearly. The cost escalated unexpectedly. I abandoned the analogy of a fellowship a while ago. It's not. It has it's price, just like school. I haven't won anything and been magically transported to a place where my work is its own reward. It isn't. It is, but I still have to do other things while. That's the problem. The while. That's the only reason why I work. To resolve the "while." It's voluntary homework, in a way, I guess. Not doing it feels like time thrown away, because it is time thrown away. Dabbling has its worth too. Perpetual dabbling is dedication. My scars itch.
The important thing is the silence is broken. Silence is like ice. It floats and cools and makes more silence and then that silence grows larger and cools more efficiently and before you know it silence governs states and the only sustainable state is a block of silence. I'm not afraid of blank pages as much as I am afraid of animated silence. It takes on a life of its own. And there are enough things living inside my head already without the standing invitation of paranoia, paralysis, and perceptual gridlock. So consider this not some kind of apology as much as a declaration of continuity of the project to map the constellations before sunrise when everything fades to some kind of cloud stippled blue.
Return of the space oddity. Just in that cycle. Sweet dreams to you and yours. Communications from the farther reaches. My knuckles have healed nicely. Considering again the ethics of murder. Still coming up short, but resolution is. Something to work for and all that. Hard notes. Combing through heaps and heaps of notes and trying to describe what constitutes a soft note. Still looking. Money can buy a lot of things, for everything else there are armories? I dunno. Wrx in progress. But at least we can rest easy knowing we are not forgeries. Not even close.
///Cleveland Lounge - "Drowning (Joshua Ryan Mix)" ...3:59
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