you know what ive realized?

doing what you love for a living is not really anywhere near as important as making time to do what you love regardless of what your living happens to be.

ive also realized that i will likely never recieve a giant robot for a birthday gift and i will have to build one myself.

ive also realized that i can make this thing look even better with a little more work. well a lot more work, but itll be good work.

ive also realized...

... no thats all. thats it.

i have a very strong urge to weld something. maybe ill build ... no thats a bad idea. i was going to say maybe i should build my own metalurgy thingy... black smithy furnace thing with the anvil and the hammer and the sparks and the bucket of molten metal. but that is definitely a bad idea. the first reason being that i dont have a way to get raw metal. the second reason being that i dont have a way to transport raw metal if i found it. the third reason being that i know nothing about welding.



what else... no thats it. sadly. im busy with book learnin. and book writing. isnt it ever disappointing... like thrillingly upsetting that the people that hold the keys to your future know nothing about you?

well not so much that they know nothing about you as much as they are completely ignorant as to the ramifications of ... well no thats too super villain...

does it ever just punch you in the jaw some nights? knowing that you're holding back because you have to?

i dunno. the prospect of a perpetual caging leaves me with mixed emotions, but then what else is new.

///god lives underwater - "from your mouth" a song that struck me when i was younger that still has a mixture of sounds that rings my guts like metal pipes in a zen garden. it makes me laugh a little bit thinking of my little head in my little hands back then, rocking back in forth on my bed and staring out the shitty bedroom window onto a view of the broken shed/patio roof that always stunk of mold and thinking of how overwhelming the problems seemed then. just a little bit. sometimes it feels so unreal as to become unreal.

birthday wish #25

in order of cost

1)space ship

2)giant robot



3)race car

4)jet pack

5)my own apartment

6)robot cat

7)regular car

8)regular cat

9)regular dog

10)replica assault rifle

11)dreamcast with a copy of rez



12)aluminum bat

13)bag of golf ball sized rocks

14)case of beer

15)box of smokes

that is all.

///deep dish - "my only sin" very depeche mode esque song. but good in the same way. better even, because you can like it without having to mollify all the character questions that seem to follow an admission of enjoying depeche mode.

no more excuses

alright i am and sick to death of hearing this. you know what im talking about. youve probably heard it before. the age old adage "kids dont come with instructions."

i am sick and fucking tired of hearing it as a rationalization. i, personally, am not going to have kids. i am way too screwed up in the head to raise another human being who is 100% impressionable for up to 18 years. i mean, i can barely get through 24 hours without engaging in something a normal person should probably not be doing. just a few weeks ago i crashed a borrowed bicycle and bent the rim taking unnecessary risks. every example of child rearing i am familiar with has lead up to the mess of loose parts that sometimes function as a unit known as me so how in the world am i supposed to turn around and be able to say okay here's the plan.

aint gonna happen. but, in the meantime, for everyone else who is going to take that step. that magical whimsical leap into the unknown of raising a spitting image who will somehow simultaneously be an individual and will also somehow be friends while also somehow subordinating themself to you. here's the manual.

child rearing manual:

1)do not beat your kids so hard that they miss school.

2)do not beat your kids so hard that when they go to school they have to explain whats wrong with them without mentioning you.

3)do not drill religion into their heads once they are old enough to decide if they want to be religious or not.

4)beyond initial introductions, do not force them into subjects and pursuits that clearly interest only you.

5)do not beat your kids more than once a day.

6)do not beat your kids more than once a year.

7)do not have kids before you're 30.

8)let your kids have friends.

9)let your kids take risks.

10)do not beat your kids for failing.

11)dont pretend to celebrate birthdays.

12)do not give them hallmark cards after beating them.

14)support everything they take it upon themselves to do and reserve judgement. theyll be judged plenty every time they leave the front door.

15)dont abuse your kids ever. mentally. or physically.

thats it. just that simple. or complex. whatever. im not going to make a good dad. thats why im not going to be one. but if you take it upon yourself to sire a brood of your own, dont fuck it up. america is fucked up enough as it is.



and for the love of christ, kids may not come with instructions, but how about people? if you are not old enough to understand the value of treating people how you would want to be treated you are disqualified from having kids. if you will likely set a consistently awful example for children then you are also disqualified. end of story. find some other way to live vicariously. or just focus on living your life to the best of your ability. thats okay too.

///evol intent - "the curtain falls" i originally got turned onto them when i heard the track 5.30 pm while watching adult swim after going on an acucrack binge. as dark DnB goes you might be hard pressed to find an artist more compelling. well lets not go too far. lets say an artist more consistently listenable.

so what now?

this is more or less the new format. why'd it take so long? fuck you. thats why. but seriously... it was hard. lots of going in and tweaking this and that and then previewing/refreshing and seeing what changed.

i worked so hard on it ive had dreams in xhtml css markup for two nights running. can you picture that? i didnt even know it was possible to do that. ive had dreams in spanish when i was taking a 6week crash course in it... but yeah, apparently its possible to dream in xml while simultaneously dreaming in bad spanish. happened yesterday.



it was trippy. stress really does force your brain to ejaculate some pretty awesome chemicals while you're sleeping.

so, in the words of that smart ass from flowers for algernon... "is that it? it is." like the mutherfuckin buddha i have achieved blogger template enlightenment. i can now write my own classic style template or manipulate the new version template with something resembling ease. well easier than you can. is what i am going to continue to tell myself so i feel relevant and valuable to some segment of the population. because i am, thats why.

well, anyway... i hope you like it, cuz ive worked on it so hard that i can't like it. still a lot to fix on here with regard to ... well who cares. when i fix what needs fixing hopefully you'll notice. if not, get bent.

///Beck-"lord only knows" one of the better songs to work to in the small hours of the morning before you remember you were supposed to be in bed 6 hours ago. also a great song to walk home to at 3 am. learn the lyrics. sing the lyrics with a friend on that walk home. you'll be glad you did. or not.

5 day orgasm

is done. lets start working on another one.

finally

finally figured out how to redo the whole shabang. yeah thats right. i said shabang. this is going to be more soothing than suckling catherine zeta jones's teat. or at least more soothing than i imagine that to be. michael douglas would probably want to watch. does she have kids? it might turn into a competition. a struggle for the teat while michael douglas cheers from the grand stands. no, the more i think about it the less soothing that sounds. are they even still together? you know what... i should just go to sleep. whatever questions remain will surely be answered there.

more revisions coming soon.

exchange clothes

almost done reworking the frontispiece. lets try it out sometime.

182 days since i slept on an actual mattress. hmm. i do miss it.

dear (______):

dear aol:

i am going to punch you in the mouth hole until it fills up with tooth parts and bone parts and stops making noises at me.

this is why everyone at your job hates you

yes. ive narrowed it down:

you're a nagger.

and you're so used to sighs of exasperation that it is now how you actually breath regardless of the situational context.

case in point: you rebuffed me for my kitchen practices. i told you that its a bit ridiculous to do so being that ive been washing other peoples dishes since i could reach a sink and could understand that getting beaten was worse than washing dishes every night. then i told you no one has gotten sick from anything ive done in the kitchen. then i told you i would do it your way anyway, and aside i finished the thought with: since i really have no say in this niggling matter anyway.

you, two days later, come up to me on my way to the kitchen where i spend large chunks of my days making your meals and still washing your dishes say that you spoke to my father about the washing thing and handling meat and he said that i dont know when people have been sick. and he was sick just recently on his day off.

of course you dont understand that PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO EAT METAMUCIL EVERYDAY are probably going to have issues with their shitting. and people WHO DONT EAT VEGETABLES ON A REGULAR BASIS will be prone to getting the shits from all the fats and meat by products and processed meats and sugars and greasy sauces THEY SUCK DOWN CONSTANTLY.

but now in your mind clearly my kitchen practices are to blame and you just wanted to take me aside and tell me that after i already told you i would change how i was doing things to accomodate your concerns.

really now.

and then you expect me to believe that every single day when you come home whining about how everyone at work seems out to get you fired its because that some how your nagging, last-wording, exasper-sighing, mole-hill-mountaining, just-cant-sleep-at-night-knowing-someone-thinks-im-wrong self that haunts the house is somehow different from the person showing up at work?

no. not possible. that is why everyone at your job hates you. you've done it so much you dont even realize your doing it anymore.

no one wants to work with the equivalent of marge simpson crossed with the analytical skills of al bundy and the ego of tim the toolman tailor.



///amon tobin - "big furry head" listening to her talk, i can feel my mind trying to bend itself into understanding what is motivating her to say and do the things she is saying and doing and it bends and bends until it cracks in two and clumps of my brain gush out of the side of my head like wet cotton candy, pureed spam, and chewed gum and then the world spins like a top at the edge of a table before flinging itself down around me.

pic of the night 3

this is what i did yesterday instead of sleep. im not sure im unhappy that i didnt hit the hay.

creative pointers

when it comes to creative pursuits, just as in sports, there are the people who can do it without trying. there are the people who can only do it when someones foot is in their ass to get it done... ...NOW.... and then there are people who have to make at least a semi-conscious effort to produce who also gain no benefit from extreme deadlines. the practicers. or to draw the sports analogy a little tighter... the everyday starters. the guys and girls who dont miss a day, who dont have spectacular highlights every game, but who impress with consistent performance on a day to day basis. the people who you can build a team around.

not that im that guy. i kind of fluctuate between vomiting out work and working consistently. and my consistent work is sometimes consistently good and sometimes consistently bad. i guess im a streaker, more or less. but thats beside the point. speaking of which... heres the point

creative pointers...

i thought about our talk the other day and i think you might be righter. or at least more correct than you were yesterday. which is to say: ill be helpful if i can. if what im about to do counts as helpfulness. i think it does. i feel like it does. it should. well anyway

so im at a point where i know for a fact that im procrastinating. i should be working on a background and general design for the front page of a story blog site i would really like to see materialize as well as do some work on the production company a friend of mine is trying to start up (design wise... we havent even started to consider the legal paperwork and what exactly a production company does when its not tagging its name all over movies). how do i know im procrastinating? easy.... i have all the elements i want to work with... i have the programs installed... i have the web space... aaand for some reason im trying to figure out if i want to take a nap before i get started.

okay.... well that was the worst pointer ever.

was that a pointer?

i dont think i pointed you to anything even remotely useful.

well ... how about this

to rev up motivation for doing one thing it often times helps me to talk about what exactly i am doing even though i know what im doing, but when i get stuck with no one to talk about my poor time management with except myself i get trapped in a loop of thinking ab...

... bored with that. well not bored... but you get the idea. if you get stuck drawing, go paint. if you get stuck painting, go craft something. if you get stuck crafting, go write. if you get stuck writing, go kill yourself. if you get stuck killing yourself, go draw.

and thats my helpful tip. pointer.

and thats my helpful creative pointer.

///Air - "talisman" i dunno if i pointed you this way yet... but this is one of the greatest rainy day songs ever. it swings with a dark jazziness that slides down your consciousness like water down a window pane in light rain while the streets shine and the gutters talk. gorgeously composed and ... thick is the word that comes to mind. thick but not over whelming. you can hear the whole song, whereas some songs are so thick you can only real hear one part or section at a time unless you have like music in your blood or something. anyway. ill tell you what the other one is next time around.

pic of the night 2

look what i composed! see i have other skills for stuff and things. yeah i made it. totally, right? i thought it was neat too. well no, not totally from scratch. but definitely a lot different from the original. like totally different. like "it is now my property" different.



who's that lady

that lovely lady

collected thoughts

ah, ive done it. collected it into a saucer and sipped at it and dissected the taste and synthesized it again into something even more it than it was.

i know why i dont like them. well not even that i dont like them, but why i must refuse to acknowledge them as connected to me in any positive way. ready?

there is no amount of support, no level of compliment, no amount of money, no measurable magnitude of niceness, no increment of politeness, there is nothing any of them can do as long as i am alive that will ever erase what has been done. and because i live with it incorporated into various parts of my heart, soul, mind, and person (as things heal and scar like an arm you can no longer fully extend because of torn cartilage decades ago) there is literally no forgetting. not to say my life is equally endangered as someone with a life threatening physical ailment, but mentally and emotionally its like a virus or cancer, the elimination of which could only be achieved by destroying vital and healthy tissues. and thats why it upsets me. thats why i cant seem to go a month or sometimes a week without having to exert massive energy to hold myself together.

i look forward to old age, when things inside my head start to collapse and wings of the mental archive are buried in the rubble of time. chemicals are like bad white out at best and a blinded surgeon with a two inch scalpel at worst and they only reach but so far. time's reach is unlimited. time swallows everything. i hope time cures me before im in my grave so i can enjoy 100% of the wonder of being alive.

///yoko kanno - "fish ~ silent cruise" such a sweet beginning. beautiful really. beautiful in the way a storm gathers itself before a warm front so slowly for its scale, reaching up and up into the rafters, before sweeping down onto hot concrete and starved fields. beautiful i guess as a blizzard that forgets itself from time to time. i dont know what my dad wanted to achieve, but he has successfully created a person who hates him with every fiber left at his command. a person who may kill him someday. its a beautiful song.

yeah that flag

yeah that flag...

that one in the previous post...

that one you didnt see cuz you are just joining our program now...

that one in that post just before this one that you havent looked at yet...

that was the picture of the day yesterday.

///yoko kanno - "3.14" a small voice sometimes reminds me that there are beautiful things in this world that are also real.

useful information and the other chris davis

so we all like useful information. are we in agreement? sure we are. so maybe i should make an effort to post useful information. maybe. maybe. thinking about it. considering it. useful information to me? or you? to us? to us!

no i dont think so. well maybe. its tempting. i could put ads on it and stuff to links of things that are useful. but when you think about it people are simply obsessed with useful things. like really super useful ultra niche things. pointlessly useful things, like a shoe horn on a stick. or... hmmm.

heres some useful information... or not.... its hard to think. my wonderful neighbors are having some sort of reunion or gathering and they parked their buicks and dodge chargers, 20 inch crome rims and all, in everyone elses driveways and theyre smoking black and milds and blasting gospel music and generally driving me insane. i hate south bowie. its times like these i wish i was 10 people.

but if you had the power to divide yourself into 10 people and then sent them off to do 10 different things then you could have the potential to feel an infinite mix of emotions at any given moment. if one person could feel mixed emotions about anything it must then be like feeling nothing to feel an infinite mix of emotions. like mixing a bunch of colors of paint together ... eventually it always makes black. so i guess being the core of a collective mind is like being the most level headed person ever... but then if things settle down it would become like one or several of many mental disorders. speculation is sometimes not useful. maybe this is one of those times.

useful information is good. entertainment is better? maybe. a blog full of speculation is better for me. and useful. useful information is good for you, but not here. well maybe once in a while. maybe not. im on the fence.

suuuuck it belgium. maybe. yeah. suck it belgium.



in other news... i found another christopher davis with a blog about optimism and self starting and other strange things. in short its another business man trying to spread his businessmanly old guy wisdom by way of shitty plugs to things he didnt create. i guess thats why i hate the idea of useful information. im just not going to fill my pages with "useful information" you would find elsewhere anyway. im not going to be a middle man for your bullshit. i have my own bullshit to peddle thank you very much. and you can suuuuck it too chris davis on other blog. suuuck a fat ... hmmm whats something original that hasnt been said before.... suuuuck a fat stick of old spice, prick!!! then go blog about how smelling good makes for better business deals or something. i mean come the fuck on.... slivers of goodness? thats what you call it? slivers of razors blades in my wrists. rage. but not enough rage to actually... well maybe. we'll just have to wait and see.

///aphex twin - "next heap with" get some of that peace in your brain before you do something crazy like sick german shepards on people while beating them with batons and hoses cuz it doesnt matter how many of you there are god damn it, this is a quiet nieghborhood and you cant just park where ever the hell you want to in the middle of the day when people are coming and going from their personal business that does not involve asking you to move your god damn car while you stand in a row with your arms crossed trying to intimidate strangers. kthnx.

pic of the night

delicious refreshing crack

futurama season 1 episode 7

little neptune: "the place to get exotic gourmet ingredients - among other things..."