AUTHOR.CALHO: If I didn't write it, I would be hitch hiking cross country to Maine and then Alaska in that order. While taking frequent breaks to spread leaflets. And sit in diners. And write on things because I wasn't at a computer. I may still do that in a few years. Writing this also helps me forget about and better understand the limitations of being human, and keeps me busy enough to allow me no free time to burn the world down.

THEMATIC.ABOUT : Collapse often. The things that hold people together and hold them apart and scatter brains. The things that make thoughts go boom. The things that ooh and aah and [expletive deleted]. Sometimes poking around the margins where responsibility ends and the only one to look to is the Original Equipment Manufacturer and say "but, I already pressed 9 for more options and the menus are exactly the same. Can you just replace it?" The answer will be: "please hold." Sometimes hanging out in dark corners. Sometimes following the train tracks. Looking for ways out and ways in and all the while sharing the things seen and heard and done and drawn and written and scorched and healed and teased and caged and dreamed along the way.

4/5/10

collected thoughts

ah, ive done it. collected it into a saucer and sipped at it and dissected the taste and synthesized it again into something even more it than it was.

i know why i dont like them. well not even that i dont like them, but why i must refuse to acknowledge them as connected to me in any positive way. ready?

there is no amount of support, no level of compliment, no amount of money, no measurable magnitude of niceness, no increment of politeness, there is nothing any of them can do as long as i am alive that will ever erase what has been done. and because i live with it incorporated into various parts of my heart, soul, mind, and person (as things heal and scar like an arm you can no longer fully extend because of torn cartilage decades ago) there is literally no forgetting. not to say my life is equally endangered as someone with a life threatening physical ailment, but mentally and emotionally its like a virus or cancer, the elimination of which could only be achieved by destroying vital and healthy tissues. and thats why it upsets me. thats why i cant seem to go a month or sometimes a week without having to exert massive energy to hold myself together.

i look forward to old age, when things inside my head start to collapse and wings of the mental archive are buried in the rubble of time. chemicals are like bad white out at best and a blinded surgeon with a two inch scalpel at worst and they only reach but so far. time's reach is unlimited. time swallows everything. i hope time cures me before im in my grave so i can enjoy 100% of the wonder of being alive.

///yoko kanno - "fish ~ silent cruise" such a sweet beginning. beautiful really. beautiful in the way a storm gathers itself before a warm front so slowly for its scale, reaching up and up into the rafters, before sweeping down onto hot concrete and starved fields. beautiful i guess as a blizzard that forgets itself from time to time. i dont know what my dad wanted to achieve, but he has successfully created a person who hates him with every fiber left at his command. a person who may kill him someday. its a beautiful song.
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