AUTHOR.CALHO: If I didn't write it, I would be hitch hiking cross country to Maine and then Alaska in that order. While taking frequent breaks to spread leaflets. And sit in diners. And write on things because I wasn't at a computer. I may still do that in a few years. Writing this also helps me forget about and better understand the limitations of being human, and keeps me busy enough to allow me no free time to burn the world down.

THEMATIC.ABOUT : Collapse often. The things that hold people together and hold them apart and scatter brains. The things that make thoughts go boom. The things that ooh and aah and [expletive deleted]. Sometimes poking around the margins where responsibility ends and the only one to look to is the Original Equipment Manufacturer and say "but, I already pressed 9 for more options and the menus are exactly the same. Can you just replace it?" The answer will be: "please hold." Sometimes hanging out in dark corners. Sometimes following the train tracks. Looking for ways out and ways in and all the while sharing the things seen and heard and done and drawn and written and scorched and healed and teased and caged and dreamed along the way.

4/29/10

you know what ive realized?

doing what you love for a living is not really anywhere near as important as making time to do what you love regardless of what your living happens to be.

ive also realized that i will likely never recieve a giant robot for a birthday gift and i will have to build one myself.

ive also realized that i can make this thing look even better with a little more work. well a lot more work, but itll be good work.

ive also realized...

... no thats all. thats it.

i have a very strong urge to weld something. maybe ill build ... no thats a bad idea. i was going to say maybe i should build my own metalurgy thingy... black smithy furnace thing with the anvil and the hammer and the sparks and the bucket of molten metal. but that is definitely a bad idea. the first reason being that i dont have a way to get raw metal. the second reason being that i dont have a way to transport raw metal if i found it. the third reason being that i know nothing about welding.



what else... no thats it. sadly. im busy with book learnin. and book writing. isnt it ever disappointing... like thrillingly upsetting that the people that hold the keys to your future know nothing about you?

well not so much that they know nothing about you as much as they are completely ignorant as to the ramifications of ... well no thats too super villain...

does it ever just punch you in the jaw some nights? knowing that you're holding back because you have to?

i dunno. the prospect of a perpetual caging leaves me with mixed emotions, but then what else is new.

///god lives underwater - "from your mouth" a song that struck me when i was younger that still has a mixture of sounds that rings my guts like metal pipes in a zen garden. it makes me laugh a little bit thinking of my little head in my little hands back then, rocking back in forth on my bed and staring out the shitty bedroom window onto a view of the broken shed/patio roof that always stunk of mold and thinking of how overwhelming the problems seemed then. just a little bit. sometimes it feels so unreal as to become unreal.
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