dear daryl hannah,
if your vagina still works, id still like to do you.
take care.
Clean with alcohol only. Do not attempt to replace blown fuses. Do not remove access panels. Return to certified mechanic for regular maintenance. Made in the USA.
1/29/10
1/17/10
the waiting games
of olympic proportions. its been... i dunno. mixed feelings i guess. im just rambling here. sort of. not to say that it doesnt mean anything. ive had a lot of time to get into pretty thick family drama. nothing actual has come of it. nothing has actualized. its all just tlak of change and need but no ones actually done anything to address needs or changes that need to be made.
i kind of view my family as christians i guess view marriage. well the more fundamental christians. we're all sort of stuck together. unfortunately bound by blood an all... but most of us dont really like or even love any of the others. sure we say we do. sure we mean it sometimes. once in a while. but i think by and large its mostly just something we say because we're expected to. because we dont want to hurt feelings. we cant separate from eachother. we cant just say well we're not family anymore. it would be helpful if we could. we can move away from eachother. we can not talk to eachother. we can even pretend other family members simply dont exist but at the end of it all we're still stuck under one roof trying not to incite anyone to emotional or physical violence. we're all in the cage just trying not to eachother.
sometimes i think about how much farther i couldve gone in life up to now with a different set of parents. i honestly think that my generation of my family was not the generation that should have attempted the highest pedigrees of college. i dont know if thats the right word. but my parents definitely only had a budget for community college and even our inteligence, while well beyond their own and most other people in our family (theonly things other people in my family know better than me are things theyve acquired through 40+ years of living so that gap will not soon be closed, but its the only gap left), was definitely not prepared for the intensity of top tier universities. we shouldve gone to community schools.
being self starters its not like we wouldnt have the same or close to the same levels of abilities that we have now. the difference is we would be debt free and able to live and pursue further enrichment instead of having to dig ourselves out of enormous financial craters. i know i was not smart enough to get scholarships or retain grant money and i was not wealthy enough to simply focus on school instead of school and part time work and financial guilt doled out by parents.
but at least now the generation that i create will have the knowledge, the money, the full opportunity. the work will be complete. the generation that that generation creates will have even more. will be even more complete. will hopefully be a real family. since by then the warped and corrupted data that created me will cease to exist. thats the hope.
i think im going to adopt a baby when the time comes to make a family so that the line of corrupted genes ends. itll be me doing my part to end it. that and i want to make sure that financially and mentally i am ready to raise a life into maturity. into its mid 20s or 30s or however long it takes. support that life materially and emotionally without retarding its progress and growth. i want to make sure i dont undermine its future in any way.
sure ill mess some things up, but i hope they end up as small things. things that start with "yeah, the only time my dad ever hit me was pretty ridiculous." and have that be the end of it. if my kid is not in a shrinks office, employed doing something he/she loves, decides for themselves with full knowledge of future ramifications whether or not they want to try college or a trade or the military, and finishes high school, and picks whatever religion or no religion on their own, i will have been a good parent. heres hoping.
///boys from brazil - "the land of make believe" there are songs that are long and obnoxious. there are songs that are long monotonous. there are songs that are long and should not be. then there are songs that are long and perfect that you hear and as they lull through the middle you say to yourself 'man i wish this wasnt over' and then you check your music player and you see youve got a whole nother 4 or 5 minutes. this is one of those songs. its not catchy. its got that swing that makes you wish you were by yourself so you could do that dance you love to do, but just not in front of other people. yeah, that swing.
i kind of view my family as christians i guess view marriage. well the more fundamental christians. we're all sort of stuck together. unfortunately bound by blood an all... but most of us dont really like or even love any of the others. sure we say we do. sure we mean it sometimes. once in a while. but i think by and large its mostly just something we say because we're expected to. because we dont want to hurt feelings. we cant separate from eachother. we cant just say well we're not family anymore. it would be helpful if we could. we can move away from eachother. we can not talk to eachother. we can even pretend other family members simply dont exist but at the end of it all we're still stuck under one roof trying not to incite anyone to emotional or physical violence. we're all in the cage just trying not to eachother.
sometimes i think about how much farther i couldve gone in life up to now with a different set of parents. i honestly think that my generation of my family was not the generation that should have attempted the highest pedigrees of college. i dont know if thats the right word. but my parents definitely only had a budget for community college and even our inteligence, while well beyond their own and most other people in our family (theonly things other people in my family know better than me are things theyve acquired through 40+ years of living so that gap will not soon be closed, but its the only gap left), was definitely not prepared for the intensity of top tier universities. we shouldve gone to community schools.
being self starters its not like we wouldnt have the same or close to the same levels of abilities that we have now. the difference is we would be debt free and able to live and pursue further enrichment instead of having to dig ourselves out of enormous financial craters. i know i was not smart enough to get scholarships or retain grant money and i was not wealthy enough to simply focus on school instead of school and part time work and financial guilt doled out by parents.
but at least now the generation that i create will have the knowledge, the money, the full opportunity. the work will be complete. the generation that that generation creates will have even more. will be even more complete. will hopefully be a real family. since by then the warped and corrupted data that created me will cease to exist. thats the hope.
i think im going to adopt a baby when the time comes to make a family so that the line of corrupted genes ends. itll be me doing my part to end it. that and i want to make sure that financially and mentally i am ready to raise a life into maturity. into its mid 20s or 30s or however long it takes. support that life materially and emotionally without retarding its progress and growth. i want to make sure i dont undermine its future in any way.
sure ill mess some things up, but i hope they end up as small things. things that start with "yeah, the only time my dad ever hit me was pretty ridiculous." and have that be the end of it. if my kid is not in a shrinks office, employed doing something he/she loves, decides for themselves with full knowledge of future ramifications whether or not they want to try college or a trade or the military, and finishes high school, and picks whatever religion or no religion on their own, i will have been a good parent. heres hoping.
///boys from brazil - "the land of make believe" there are songs that are long and obnoxious. there are songs that are long monotonous. there are songs that are long and should not be. then there are songs that are long and perfect that you hear and as they lull through the middle you say to yourself 'man i wish this wasnt over' and then you check your music player and you see youve got a whole nother 4 or 5 minutes. this is one of those songs. its not catchy. its got that swing that makes you wish you were by yourself so you could do that dance you love to do, but just not in front of other people. yeah, that swing.
1/13/10
do you ever wake up
and find yourself encased in ...
... well who really cares. basically ive been feeling kind of weird for the past three days. i keep getting a rising urge to pull my body apart. its not mine. i dont want to be in it anymore. i want to see whats underneath, but the problem is that what im looking for is not going to be found by digging and its frustrating. where did i go? my room is a lot like a cage... with bells to let people know when im moving around. its like privacy without the private part.
so much anger and discomfort and racism and prejudice and mommy daddy issues and anger and splitting and sharp edges and simple machines and spillage and anger and splitting
///angelo badalamenti - "red bats with teeth" its all building and growing into something that makes my intestines ache.
... well who really cares. basically ive been feeling kind of weird for the past three days. i keep getting a rising urge to pull my body apart. its not mine. i dont want to be in it anymore. i want to see whats underneath, but the problem is that what im looking for is not going to be found by digging and its frustrating. where did i go? my room is a lot like a cage... with bells to let people know when im moving around. its like privacy without the private part.
so much anger and discomfort and racism and prejudice and mommy daddy issues and anger and splitting and sharp edges and simple machines and spillage and anger and splitting
///angelo badalamenti - "red bats with teeth" its all building and growing into something that makes my intestines ache.
1/11/10
my day with the history channel
the world is going to end in one of ten awesome ways rated by awesomeness.
weapons are cool.
barbarians were psychos, but understandable.
natures is scary.
the west sucked back in the day.
war is science and science is war.
racism is a disease.
sex is great.
gangs are symptoms of progress.
jets rock.
tanks kick ass.
food is super tasty.
the universe is incredibly vast
and we're tiny.
so basically everything i learned from watching animaniacs back in the day. awesome.
///A Man Called Adam vs. Chris Coco - "knots" you know that feeling you get when you finally just run out of rage? well if youre not there yet i hope this song is playing when you get there.
weapons are cool.
barbarians were psychos, but understandable.
natures is scary.
the west sucked back in the day.
war is science and science is war.
racism is a disease.
sex is great.
gangs are symptoms of progress.
jets rock.
tanks kick ass.
food is super tasty.
the universe is incredibly vast
and we're tiny.
so basically everything i learned from watching animaniacs back in the day. awesome.
///A Man Called Adam vs. Chris Coco - "knots" you know that feeling you get when you finally just run out of rage? well if youre not there yet i hope this song is playing when you get there.
1/9/10
so i dont have to fucking talk to myself
well we're back. again. a lot has changed. a lot has stayed the same. no more girl friend, just friend who does not want to talk to me for the depth of our former relationship. yay. sarcasm. living in a very divisive... divided place. pretty sure this is gonna be the last fracture for the parents. fine. seems life is defined by fractures and scars. its a matter of whether or not we want to call them sentimental or call them scars.
so im back on here. so i dont have to fucking talk to myself in my head. nothing good is ever said in there. there are good ideas but they are formed by me. nothing good ever happens in the other dialog. and i hate having to sit and listen to it. eventually you cant distinguish who is telling who to shut the fuck up.
the hardest part about stabbing is the initial shock of breaking the skin. i mean not slashing but stabbing. once you get past that the rest is gravy. or gory. gory gravy? different tools for different jobs. so what do we want to talk about today. im not sure... well lets kick off with projects. where is the other project standing. suspended indefinitely apparently. how about the other project... still working on it? yes. slowly. the third project? when free time strikes so shall it strike me to work on it. half the time. double promise. which actually only means that both promises are half as strong as a regular promise. too much glue spoils the joint. any model builder worth his oats should know that.
any other goals? saving. money. 4000. settle all person to person debts and move somewhere and pay two months rent and find a job. that is all. thats all? yes. i think. i hate you. anything else new? stop burning bridges. setting a fire and walking away is not necessarily burning a bridge. they dont all rage out into holocausts. but you certainly believe they do. paranoia? hardly. okay. buying cigarettes? dunno yet. maybe later. cya.
///bjork - "i miss you (sunshine mix)" yeah i do. its too often difficult to explain, but this time its simple. i like you better than i like me. just that easy.
so im back on here. so i dont have to fucking talk to myself in my head. nothing good is ever said in there. there are good ideas but they are formed by me. nothing good ever happens in the other dialog. and i hate having to sit and listen to it. eventually you cant distinguish who is telling who to shut the fuck up.
the hardest part about stabbing is the initial shock of breaking the skin. i mean not slashing but stabbing. once you get past that the rest is gravy. or gory. gory gravy? different tools for different jobs. so what do we want to talk about today. im not sure... well lets kick off with projects. where is the other project standing. suspended indefinitely apparently. how about the other project... still working on it? yes. slowly. the third project? when free time strikes so shall it strike me to work on it. half the time. double promise. which actually only means that both promises are half as strong as a regular promise. too much glue spoils the joint. any model builder worth his oats should know that.
any other goals? saving. money. 4000. settle all person to person debts and move somewhere and pay two months rent and find a job. that is all. thats all? yes. i think. i hate you. anything else new? stop burning bridges. setting a fire and walking away is not necessarily burning a bridge. they dont all rage out into holocausts. but you certainly believe they do. paranoia? hardly. okay. buying cigarettes? dunno yet. maybe later. cya.
///bjork - "i miss you (sunshine mix)" yeah i do. its too often difficult to explain, but this time its simple. i like you better than i like me. just that easy.
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