the waiting games

of olympic proportions. its been... i dunno. mixed feelings i guess. im just rambling here. sort of. not to say that it doesnt mean anything. ive had a lot of time to get into pretty thick family drama. nothing actual has come of it. nothing has actualized. its all just tlak of change and need but no ones actually done anything to address needs or changes that need to be made.

i kind of view my family as christians i guess view marriage. well the more fundamental christians. we're all sort of stuck together. unfortunately bound by blood an all... but most of us dont really like or even love any of the others. sure we say we do. sure we mean it sometimes. once in a while. but i think by and large its mostly just something we say because we're expected to. because we dont want to hurt feelings. we cant separate from eachother. we cant just say well we're not family anymore. it would be helpful if we could. we can move away from eachother. we can not talk to eachother. we can even pretend other family members simply dont exist but at the end of it all we're still stuck under one roof trying not to incite anyone to emotional or physical violence. we're all in the cage just trying not to eachother.

sometimes i think about how much farther i couldve gone in life up to now with a different set of parents. i honestly think that my generation of my family was not the generation that should have attempted the highest pedigrees of college. i dont know if thats the right word. but my parents definitely only had a budget for community college and even our inteligence, while well beyond their own and most other people in our family (theonly things other people in my family know better than me are things theyve acquired through 40+ years of living so that gap will not soon be closed, but its the only gap left), was definitely not prepared for the intensity of top tier universities. we shouldve gone to community schools.

being self starters its not like we wouldnt have the same or close to the same levels of abilities that we have now. the difference is we would be debt free and able to live and pursue further enrichment instead of having to dig ourselves out of enormous financial craters. i know i was not smart enough to get scholarships or retain grant money and i was not wealthy enough to simply focus on school instead of school and part time work and financial guilt doled out by parents.

but at least now the generation that i create will have the knowledge, the money, the full opportunity. the work will be complete. the generation that that generation creates will have even more. will be even more complete. will hopefully be a real family. since by then the warped and corrupted data that created me will cease to exist. thats the hope.

i think im going to adopt a baby when the time comes to make a family so that the line of corrupted genes ends. itll be me doing my part to end it. that and i want to make sure that financially and mentally i am ready to raise a life into maturity. into its mid 20s or 30s or however long it takes. support that life materially and emotionally without retarding its progress and growth. i want to make sure i dont undermine its future in any way.

sure ill mess some things up, but i hope they end up as small things. things that start with "yeah, the only time my dad ever hit me was pretty ridiculous." and have that be the end of it. if my kid is not in a shrinks office, employed doing something he/she loves, decides for themselves with full knowledge of future ramifications whether or not they want to try college or a trade or the military, and finishes high school, and picks whatever religion or no religion on their own, i will have been a good parent. heres hoping.

///boys from brazil - "the land of make believe" there are songs that are long and obnoxious. there are songs that are long monotonous. there are songs that are long and should not be. then there are songs that are long and perfect that you hear and as they lull through the middle you say to yourself 'man i wish this wasnt over' and then you check your music player and you see youve got a whole nother 4 or 5 minutes. this is one of those songs. its not catchy. its got that swing that makes you wish you were by yourself so you could do that dance you love to do, but just not in front of other people. yeah, that swing.