Sunrise

Every time you wake up in the grip of the fall out of another meltdown or with your palm against the window of your cell and everything you thought was real ashed away or grown so thick all you can see and smell is wilderness and locked trees and you have no sense of how and where it came to now or the roads and rivers that lead to here, do not forget that it may very well have nothing to do with you or anything you did.

Can't control every fragment of your consciousness.  Following routine.  Everything you were supposed to do, you did.  Everything designed to help and guide and control and nudge and suggest.  The end results can have nothing to do with anything you did or did not do.  Absolutely nothing.  It will not change how or where you wake up.  Where or how the sunrise will find you.  It will.  And you will.  And you must not hate yourself or blame yourself no matter how badly you want to and no matter how badly your nature tells you someone has to pay for all that is wrong.  Someone has to pay for this upside down world.  And that someone is you.  It isn't.

You cannot control every fragment of your consciousness.  Let the sun rise on a world rearranged over the course of one night, after you fought and rebuilt all that was misplaced and felled in the weeks before by the weeks before that when you believed "this time it is going to last, I know it, I can feel it," and start again.  It may stick this time.  It may not.  Do not fear that world.  Do not tear your eyes away and bury them in your hands.  Start again.  It's okay.  You did everything you could.  Now try to do it again...