so what are we about today? i dunno. missing people mostly. missing friends. missing allies. missing the axis. missing the points of interest on the trip through life. when friends clear out and family is sort of worthless (well not worthless, but inaccessible and too far distant from you physically and personally to really have fun with) its just you and the universe staring at each other night after night after night.
for valentines day i beat off for an hour, watched 30 rock and ate a fat piece of pound cake, then had a cigarette and went to bed at 2 am. guess how fun that was. basically liz lemon got more action than i did. and i dont even mean sexually, cuz you'd have to be a lesbian to find liz lemon attractive (the combat boot, mustache wearing kind, not the hot blonde porno kind), i mean like she had more fun in her own miserable way than i did. which is a really really long aside.
but yeah, the universe is a very pessimistic, bastardly, thing. it has no friends. all it does is ruin peoples lives. with its infinite resources it tries to win at everything and you, with your carpet bag of tricks, try to win at anything. the universe will always win. so its never fun hanging out with just the universe. even when you try to exclude it, it finds a way to crash your private parties.
which in a seriously round about way brings me to my point. what the hell am i going to do today? i have nothing to do. well i have some things to do. actually ihave a ton of things to do.
first off, why ive been gone, again.
lots of shit. lots of anger. but some good has been made out of it. a tiny bubble of winningness that i will savor till the universe pops it and replaces it with a flaming bag of poo.
i formed a production company. bet you didnt do that over the past 30 days. what else... i wrote some stories. good ones i think. happy ones. sad ones. violent ones. i had some conversations. lots of good conversations. what else... nothing else. thats it. got some music. and beat off a lot. not that its bad or shameful. america wants people to be ashamed of all the wrong things. ill never understand that. im not sorry.
today im going to read and fall into worlds different from the one i cant otherwise get out of.
\\\chairlift - "bruises" caroline polachek, if you're reading this please send me a hug. but seriously. i think most of all i miss closeness. i hate talking to no one. thats probably the biggest reason why ive been gone. this song just reminds me of a person that i miss a lot, and we've been drifting apart and it sucks but its irreversible for the foreseeable future. hurray for human relationships and the weapons of heart destruction that are their constitution.
Clean with alcohol only. Do not attempt to replace blown fuses. Do not remove access panels. Return to certified mechanic for regular maintenance. Made in the USA.
1/29/10
1/17/10
the waiting games
of olympic proportions. its been... i dunno. mixed feelings i guess. im just rambling here. sort of. not to say that it doesnt mean anything. ive had a lot of time to get into pretty thick family drama. nothing actual has come of it. nothing has actualized. its all just tlak of change and need but no ones actually done anything to address needs or changes that need to be made.
i kind of view my family as christians i guess view marriage. well the more fundamental christians. we're all sort of stuck together. unfortunately bound by blood an all... but most of us dont really like or even love any of the others. sure we say we do. sure we mean it sometimes. once in a while. but i think by and large its mostly just something we say because we're expected to. because we dont want to hurt feelings. we cant separate from eachother. we cant just say well we're not family anymore. it would be helpful if we could. we can move away from eachother. we can not talk to eachother. we can even pretend other family members simply dont exist but at the end of it all we're still stuck under one roof trying not to incite anyone to emotional or physical violence. we're all in the cage just trying not to eachother.
sometimes i think about how much farther i couldve gone in life up to now with a different set of parents. i honestly think that my generation of my family was not the generation that should have attempted the highest pedigrees of college. i dont know if thats the right word. but my parents definitely only had a budget for community college and even our inteligence, while well beyond their own and most other people in our family (theonly things other people in my family know better than me are things theyve acquired through 40+ years of living so that gap will not soon be closed, but its the only gap left), was definitely not prepared for the intensity of top tier universities. we shouldve gone to community schools.
being self starters its not like we wouldnt have the same or close to the same levels of abilities that we have now. the difference is we would be debt free and able to live and pursue further enrichment instead of having to dig ourselves out of enormous financial craters. i know i was not smart enough to get scholarships or retain grant money and i was not wealthy enough to simply focus on school instead of school and part time work and financial guilt doled out by parents.
but at least now the generation that i create will have the knowledge, the money, the full opportunity. the work will be complete. the generation that that generation creates will have even more. will be even more complete. will hopefully be a real family. since by then the warped and corrupted data that created me will cease to exist. thats the hope.
i think im going to adopt a baby when the time comes to make a family so that the line of corrupted genes ends. itll be me doing my part to end it. that and i want to make sure that financially and mentally i am ready to raise a life into maturity. into its mid 20s or 30s or however long it takes. support that life materially and emotionally without retarding its progress and growth. i want to make sure i dont undermine its future in any way.
sure ill mess some things up, but i hope they end up as small things. things that start with "yeah, the only time my dad ever hit me was pretty ridiculous." and have that be the end of it. if my kid is not in a shrinks office, employed doing something he/she loves, decides for themselves with full knowledge of future ramifications whether or not they want to try college or a trade or the military, and finishes high school, and picks whatever religion or no religion on their own, i will have been a good parent. heres hoping.
///boys from brazil - "the land of make believe" there are songs that are long and obnoxious. there are songs that are long monotonous. there are songs that are long and should not be. then there are songs that are long and perfect that you hear and as they lull through the middle you say to yourself 'man i wish this wasnt over' and then you check your music player and you see youve got a whole nother 4 or 5 minutes. this is one of those songs. its not catchy. its got that swing that makes you wish you were by yourself so you could do that dance you love to do, but just not in front of other people. yeah, that swing.
i kind of view my family as christians i guess view marriage. well the more fundamental christians. we're all sort of stuck together. unfortunately bound by blood an all... but most of us dont really like or even love any of the others. sure we say we do. sure we mean it sometimes. once in a while. but i think by and large its mostly just something we say because we're expected to. because we dont want to hurt feelings. we cant separate from eachother. we cant just say well we're not family anymore. it would be helpful if we could. we can move away from eachother. we can not talk to eachother. we can even pretend other family members simply dont exist but at the end of it all we're still stuck under one roof trying not to incite anyone to emotional or physical violence. we're all in the cage just trying not to eachother.
sometimes i think about how much farther i couldve gone in life up to now with a different set of parents. i honestly think that my generation of my family was not the generation that should have attempted the highest pedigrees of college. i dont know if thats the right word. but my parents definitely only had a budget for community college and even our inteligence, while well beyond their own and most other people in our family (theonly things other people in my family know better than me are things theyve acquired through 40+ years of living so that gap will not soon be closed, but its the only gap left), was definitely not prepared for the intensity of top tier universities. we shouldve gone to community schools.
being self starters its not like we wouldnt have the same or close to the same levels of abilities that we have now. the difference is we would be debt free and able to live and pursue further enrichment instead of having to dig ourselves out of enormous financial craters. i know i was not smart enough to get scholarships or retain grant money and i was not wealthy enough to simply focus on school instead of school and part time work and financial guilt doled out by parents.
but at least now the generation that i create will have the knowledge, the money, the full opportunity. the work will be complete. the generation that that generation creates will have even more. will be even more complete. will hopefully be a real family. since by then the warped and corrupted data that created me will cease to exist. thats the hope.
i think im going to adopt a baby when the time comes to make a family so that the line of corrupted genes ends. itll be me doing my part to end it. that and i want to make sure that financially and mentally i am ready to raise a life into maturity. into its mid 20s or 30s or however long it takes. support that life materially and emotionally without retarding its progress and growth. i want to make sure i dont undermine its future in any way.
sure ill mess some things up, but i hope they end up as small things. things that start with "yeah, the only time my dad ever hit me was pretty ridiculous." and have that be the end of it. if my kid is not in a shrinks office, employed doing something he/she loves, decides for themselves with full knowledge of future ramifications whether or not they want to try college or a trade or the military, and finishes high school, and picks whatever religion or no religion on their own, i will have been a good parent. heres hoping.
///boys from brazil - "the land of make believe" there are songs that are long and obnoxious. there are songs that are long monotonous. there are songs that are long and should not be. then there are songs that are long and perfect that you hear and as they lull through the middle you say to yourself 'man i wish this wasnt over' and then you check your music player and you see youve got a whole nother 4 or 5 minutes. this is one of those songs. its not catchy. its got that swing that makes you wish you were by yourself so you could do that dance you love to do, but just not in front of other people. yeah, that swing.
1/13/10
do you ever wake up
and find yourself encased in ...
... well who really cares. basically ive been feeling kind of weird for the past three days. i keep getting a rising urge to pull my body apart. its not mine. i dont want to be in it anymore. i want to see whats underneath, but the problem is that what im looking for is not going to be found by digging and its frustrating. where did i go? my room is a lot like a cage... with bells to let people know when im moving around. its like privacy without the private part.
so much anger and discomfort and racism and prejudice and mommy daddy issues and anger and splitting and sharp edges and simple machines and spillage and anger and splitting
///angelo badalamenti - "red bats with teeth" its all building and growing into something that makes my intestines ache.
... well who really cares. basically ive been feeling kind of weird for the past three days. i keep getting a rising urge to pull my body apart. its not mine. i dont want to be in it anymore. i want to see whats underneath, but the problem is that what im looking for is not going to be found by digging and its frustrating. where did i go? my room is a lot like a cage... with bells to let people know when im moving around. its like privacy without the private part.
so much anger and discomfort and racism and prejudice and mommy daddy issues and anger and splitting and sharp edges and simple machines and spillage and anger and splitting
///angelo badalamenti - "red bats with teeth" its all building and growing into something that makes my intestines ache.
1/11/10
my day with the history channel
the world is going to end in one of ten awesome ways rated by awesomeness.
weapons are cool.
barbarians were psychos, but understandable.
natures is scary.
the west sucked back in the day.
war is science and science is war.
racism is a disease.
sex is great.
gangs are symptoms of progress.
jets rock.
tanks kick ass.
food is super tasty.
the universe is incredibly vast
and we're tiny.
so basically everything i learned from watching animaniacs back in the day. awesome.
///A Man Called Adam vs. Chris Coco - "knots" you know that feeling you get when you finally just run out of rage? well if youre not there yet i hope this song is playing when you get there.
weapons are cool.
barbarians were psychos, but understandable.
natures is scary.
the west sucked back in the day.
war is science and science is war.
racism is a disease.
sex is great.
gangs are symptoms of progress.
jets rock.
tanks kick ass.
food is super tasty.
the universe is incredibly vast
and we're tiny.
so basically everything i learned from watching animaniacs back in the day. awesome.
///A Man Called Adam vs. Chris Coco - "knots" you know that feeling you get when you finally just run out of rage? well if youre not there yet i hope this song is playing when you get there.
1/9/10
so i dont have to fucking talk to myself
well we're back. again. a lot has changed. a lot has stayed the same. no more girl friend, just friend who does not want to talk to me for the depth of our former relationship. yay. sarcasm. living in a very divisive... divided place. pretty sure this is gonna be the last fracture for the parents. fine. seems life is defined by fractures and scars. its a matter of whether or not we want to call them sentimental or call them scars.
so im back on here. so i dont have to fucking talk to myself in my head. nothing good is ever said in there. there are good ideas but they are formed by me. nothing good ever happens in the other dialog. and i hate having to sit and listen to it. eventually you cant distinguish who is telling who to shut the fuck up.
the hardest part about stabbing is the initial shock of breaking the skin. i mean not slashing but stabbing. once you get past that the rest is gravy. or gory. gory gravy? different tools for different jobs. so what do we want to talk about today. im not sure... well lets kick off with projects. where is the other project standing. suspended indefinitely apparently. how about the other project... still working on it? yes. slowly. the third project? when free time strikes so shall it strike me to work on it. half the time. double promise. which actually only means that both promises are half as strong as a regular promise. too much glue spoils the joint. any model builder worth his oats should know that.
any other goals? saving. money. 4000. settle all person to person debts and move somewhere and pay two months rent and find a job. that is all. thats all? yes. i think. i hate you. anything else new? stop burning bridges. setting a fire and walking away is not necessarily burning a bridge. they dont all rage out into holocausts. but you certainly believe they do. paranoia? hardly. okay. buying cigarettes? dunno yet. maybe later. cya.
///bjork - "i miss you (sunshine mix)" yeah i do. its too often difficult to explain, but this time its simple. i like you better than i like me. just that easy.
so im back on here. so i dont have to fucking talk to myself in my head. nothing good is ever said in there. there are good ideas but they are formed by me. nothing good ever happens in the other dialog. and i hate having to sit and listen to it. eventually you cant distinguish who is telling who to shut the fuck up.
the hardest part about stabbing is the initial shock of breaking the skin. i mean not slashing but stabbing. once you get past that the rest is gravy. or gory. gory gravy? different tools for different jobs. so what do we want to talk about today. im not sure... well lets kick off with projects. where is the other project standing. suspended indefinitely apparently. how about the other project... still working on it? yes. slowly. the third project? when free time strikes so shall it strike me to work on it. half the time. double promise. which actually only means that both promises are half as strong as a regular promise. too much glue spoils the joint. any model builder worth his oats should know that.
any other goals? saving. money. 4000. settle all person to person debts and move somewhere and pay two months rent and find a job. that is all. thats all? yes. i think. i hate you. anything else new? stop burning bridges. setting a fire and walking away is not necessarily burning a bridge. they dont all rage out into holocausts. but you certainly believe they do. paranoia? hardly. okay. buying cigarettes? dunno yet. maybe later. cya.
///bjork - "i miss you (sunshine mix)" yeah i do. its too often difficult to explain, but this time its simple. i like you better than i like me. just that easy.
9/12/09
game time
best gaming moments ever, as i have experienced them and unranked within their appearance in the post of recognition:
super smash brother melee: the second hand appears
ace combat 3: entering the electrosphere
ace combat 3: the first automated craft appears after foolishly wasting all short and long range missles on inconsequential baddies
ace combat 4: rex tremendae plays as i finally come upon the missle base
gran turismo: realizing all i have to do is hit the final left hand chicane perfectly on Trial Mountain to lock up the international unlimited race and japan is breathing down my neck in his skyline .01 seconds off of my bumper to my immediate left.
super mario world: realizing i have to catch the bombs being thrown at me and use them on bowser.
silhouette mirage: reaching the final boss and feeling sadness for all the people ive killed, however hilariously.
gta vice city: killing a prostitute on purpose. i dunno. it was something id never done in a video game before. it was intense.
metal gear solid: meeting revolver ocelot for the first time
mario tennis: unlocking shyguy
test drive 5: hitting every shortcut perfectly and taking the win by a margin of 20 seconds.
need for speed underground: raping every race in a wrung out cobalt ss. tearing a benzo a new one in said cobalt.
gran turismo 2: taking my 300zx R body to the track for the first time and putting the pedal to the metal to hear that exhaust note. best in the game.
air attack 2: killing someone else in heads up combat using sound tactics for the first time. it was my first kill over the inter web.
gran turismo: winning my first 24 hour race at night. a ludicrous number of laps... and watching the sun come up in real life and on the game screen. beautiful. i almost teared up.
unreal tournament: entering the battle just as someone used that guided nuclear missle and getting clear just in time to have my entire team killed at once. lame, but awesome.
farcry: watching a friend play for the first time and being completely blown away by the levelof detail. the game was practically spotless.
gta san andreas: realizing the army helicopter has infinite missiles
armored core 2: successfully destroying the enemy from ridiculous range from behind enormous city skyscrapers with mortar missles. yessssssssssssssssssssssss.
star fox 64: destroying wolf.
sim city 4: n/a
///gotan project - "track 2": i am lazy and sipping guiness. and contemplating purchasing a fine pack of cigarettes. what are you doing?
super smash brother melee: the second hand appears
ace combat 3: entering the electrosphere
ace combat 3: the first automated craft appears after foolishly wasting all short and long range missles on inconsequential baddies
ace combat 4: rex tremendae plays as i finally come upon the missle base
gran turismo: realizing all i have to do is hit the final left hand chicane perfectly on Trial Mountain to lock up the international unlimited race and japan is breathing down my neck in his skyline .01 seconds off of my bumper to my immediate left.
super mario world: realizing i have to catch the bombs being thrown at me and use them on bowser.
silhouette mirage: reaching the final boss and feeling sadness for all the people ive killed, however hilariously.
gta vice city: killing a prostitute on purpose. i dunno. it was something id never done in a video game before. it was intense.
metal gear solid: meeting revolver ocelot for the first time
mario tennis: unlocking shyguy
test drive 5: hitting every shortcut perfectly and taking the win by a margin of 20 seconds.
need for speed underground: raping every race in a wrung out cobalt ss. tearing a benzo a new one in said cobalt.
gran turismo 2: taking my 300zx R body to the track for the first time and putting the pedal to the metal to hear that exhaust note. best in the game.
air attack 2: killing someone else in heads up combat using sound tactics for the first time. it was my first kill over the inter web.
gran turismo: winning my first 24 hour race at night. a ludicrous number of laps... and watching the sun come up in real life and on the game screen. beautiful. i almost teared up.
unreal tournament: entering the battle just as someone used that guided nuclear missle and getting clear just in time to have my entire team killed at once. lame, but awesome.
farcry: watching a friend play for the first time and being completely blown away by the levelof detail. the game was practically spotless.
gta san andreas: realizing the army helicopter has infinite missiles
armored core 2: successfully destroying the enemy from ridiculous range from behind enormous city skyscrapers with mortar missles. yessssssssssssssssssssssss.
star fox 64: destroying wolf.
sim city 4: n/a
///gotan project - "track 2": i am lazy and sipping guiness. and contemplating purchasing a fine pack of cigarettes. what are you doing?
8/28/09
worst song ever part 1
worst song ever # POHI0808LAT257 Lilly Allen - Truth:
the last time i heard this much poorly mixed racket i happened to be in the same room as a baby pounding on a late 90s CD stereos button while a collection of lag bolts chewed up a blender and someone else played gta on a tv but kept switching between that and a hockey game while i for some reason kept trying to play an old Tiger handheld game with that old school lcd screen. it was a bad day. and the last time i tried to cure a hangover with lsd.
but seriously... next time you want to make a mash up with street flavor. dont blast air horns over 20 seconds of it and a jay z riff over 60 seconds of it and call it a song.
its like if you roofied missy elliot (to leave her comatose body in a bally total fitness center and hope to god she would take the hint) but somehow she just wouldnt go down so you instead kept her busy at a mixing/sampling board so she wouldnt try to eat you like a large side of ham and then asked jay z to do something iconic, but didnt pay him enough so he sent you a 3 KB sample of a 100 MB song, but you had to use it anyway since it cost you 30000 dollars of the money you were supposed to spend on your tuition and you had missy make a track with it except that while you were mixing some random pot smoking emo chick with a british accent and a "real world attitude" wandered into your bedroom slash music studio and started to sing an r and b song that kind of slouched into spoken word but got bored and left in the middle to go smoke pot so missy just played her favorite instrument, the compressed air horn, to wrap the song up in the absence of any actual substance.
thats how unbelievably bad it is.
and by contrast
///Menomena - "twenty cell revolt" is just that awesomely good. when was the last time you felt happiness in simplicity?
the last time i heard this much poorly mixed racket i happened to be in the same room as a baby pounding on a late 90s CD stereos button while a collection of lag bolts chewed up a blender and someone else played gta on a tv but kept switching between that and a hockey game while i for some reason kept trying to play an old Tiger handheld game with that old school lcd screen. it was a bad day. and the last time i tried to cure a hangover with lsd.
but seriously... next time you want to make a mash up with street flavor. dont blast air horns over 20 seconds of it and a jay z riff over 60 seconds of it and call it a song.
its like if you roofied missy elliot (to leave her comatose body in a bally total fitness center and hope to god she would take the hint) but somehow she just wouldnt go down so you instead kept her busy at a mixing/sampling board so she wouldnt try to eat you like a large side of ham and then asked jay z to do something iconic, but didnt pay him enough so he sent you a 3 KB sample of a 100 MB song, but you had to use it anyway since it cost you 30000 dollars of the money you were supposed to spend on your tuition and you had missy make a track with it except that while you were mixing some random pot smoking emo chick with a british accent and a "real world attitude" wandered into your bedroom slash music studio and started to sing an r and b song that kind of slouched into spoken word but got bored and left in the middle to go smoke pot so missy just played her favorite instrument, the compressed air horn, to wrap the song up in the absence of any actual substance.
thats how unbelievably bad it is.
and by contrast
///Menomena - "twenty cell revolt" is just that awesomely good. when was the last time you felt happiness in simplicity?
8/20/09
sex laws
heres a quickie for you. youre gonna like this. its that abc family humor we've all come to adore here in america.
chelsea handler.
thats it. thats the joke. get it? shes a train wreck of a human being who has made her fame on drinking fluids like a storm drain and collecting cocks stains on her polymer infused face like ... uhm ... HAH like a sham wow. as seen on tv. look it up. and the best part is shes on late night just in time for you to go to bed and your kids to get up and learn how adults behave. she probably needs to swallow a box of serrated paper clips.
no but the joke... the quickie is... sex laws. right? bear with.
so as guys get to liking a woman more then tend to contain their functions... but as women get to liking men more they tend to release them. so in the final moments before marriage its the guy trying not to rip out the greasiest fart of his life and the girl simply letting the ropey knots of fumes fly faster than cloth coils off a boat chugging out of the hudson bay at full steam and moored at the wrong end.
that analogy was way too long. but i hope it was graphic enough for you to taste the moment. funny, no? no, probably not. i understand. i didnt mean to take you that far along. you probably should have gotten off at chelsea handler. sorry bout that.
///david julyan - "the polaroid fades" that feeling when you notice everyone was laughing minutes ago and now theyre all staring every which way, into every corner of the room, but never at eachother, and you notice your cup has gotten warm from your sweating palm and the room is dingy and its 2.30 in the morning and you dont really know what's keeping you there besides wanting to be a part of someone's life. anyone's life.
chelsea handler.
thats it. thats the joke. get it? shes a train wreck of a human being who has made her fame on drinking fluids like a storm drain and collecting cocks stains on her polymer infused face like ... uhm ... HAH like a sham wow. as seen on tv. look it up. and the best part is shes on late night just in time for you to go to bed and your kids to get up and learn how adults behave. she probably needs to swallow a box of serrated paper clips.
no but the joke... the quickie is... sex laws. right? bear with.
so as guys get to liking a woman more then tend to contain their functions... but as women get to liking men more they tend to release them. so in the final moments before marriage its the guy trying not to rip out the greasiest fart of his life and the girl simply letting the ropey knots of fumes fly faster than cloth coils off a boat chugging out of the hudson bay at full steam and moored at the wrong end.
that analogy was way too long. but i hope it was graphic enough for you to taste the moment. funny, no? no, probably not. i understand. i didnt mean to take you that far along. you probably should have gotten off at chelsea handler. sorry bout that.
///david julyan - "the polaroid fades" that feeling when you notice everyone was laughing minutes ago and now theyre all staring every which way, into every corner of the room, but never at eachother, and you notice your cup has gotten warm from your sweating palm and the room is dingy and its 2.30 in the morning and you dont really know what's keeping you there besides wanting to be a part of someone's life. anyone's life.
you know what's weird
masturbating and having old bible hymns come to mind while youre doing it. thats whats weird. that and sex toys for guys. that and reviews for sex toys for guys... reviews that say things like "oh my god, my husband loves this, he cums in minutes." no offense to that guy, but sticking my member in a plastic sock with nubs on the inside dont zactly feel da same as that other thing i like to do... let alone using my hands. well... that and a pill for women to make them want to have sex more. does that count as date rape if you drug someone with a pill to make them want to have sex? is this a surprised rabbit !! or is it two exclamation points next to a quizzical rabbit !! ?? i mean if someone wants to have drinks to loosen up isnt it just better to skip the hangover give them a pill rolled up in a piece of cheese take them home and wait for them to turn on like a light switch? like a clap on. minus the clap. and clapping. maybe slapping. probably slapping. of hands. well thats fucking weird. that and religion. makes no sense. how is it that religious discussion seems to be on the reverse side of sexual discussion. religion is masturbation for the soul. masturbation is religion for the heart. and worship is just stupidity and insecurity rolled up into a tidy package called faith.
thats whats weird.
///yeong wook jo - "farewell, my lovely" i wish yeong would work for free so i could have him orchestrate the irreversible and gut twisting moments in my life. the man has an ear for beauty like you can only find in a family photo album that has pictures of you before you found out that not everyone's parents beat them hard enough to miss school.
thats whats weird.
///yeong wook jo - "farewell, my lovely" i wish yeong would work for free so i could have him orchestrate the irreversible and gut twisting moments in my life. the man has an ear for beauty like you can only find in a family photo album that has pictures of you before you found out that not everyone's parents beat them hard enough to miss school.
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