I've been trying to arrest my emotions for two days and here we are at day three. I can't allow life to seize up and die. This morning, poking the tines of my work into the middle of a sunny side up egg on a piece of medium tough toast with a shake of a salt and a dollop of syrup beside it, I am afraid. I used to call Annie, I used to call Alexis, I used to call my psychiatrist, my therapist, myself, when fear gripped me. I haven't been able to eat willingly so I am preparing to chop up an egg into a little toast and see where it goes. Maybe we will cut up a clementine into quarters and have that in lieu of juice.
My emotions are still all over the place. Stitched together with some will and a little self motivational glue and a little music. I know I am going to cry today and I won't be able to stop it, but I will make myself go to work as best I can. There will be a lot of difficult exchanges of conversations today. "You look awful." "Are you okay?" I know and no. Walking through hardware stores and to the bank and to the grocery to buy more food to force myself to eat. I cannot allow myself to curl up and die. I cannot allow myself to see people. I have to turn everything inward to generate enough power to keep my sun from collapsing into a singularity.
Hysterical laughter tearing through my lungs and tears staining the floor between my boots while I stand in lines. Eyes red and sunken and lips cracked from grinning and grimacing. Doubling over in hacking coughs and dry heaves that will not stop. Questioning, screaming, begging the snowy sky why there is no magic pill, but there is a magic bullet. It's not going to be easy. Please don't talk to me. I know I am a mess and nothing will help more than time alone. Thank you for understanding.
///Philip Selway - "Coming Up For Air"
My emotions are still all over the place. Stitched together with some will and a little self motivational glue and a little music. I know I am going to cry today and I won't be able to stop it, but I will make myself go to work as best I can. There will be a lot of difficult exchanges of conversations today. "You look awful." "Are you okay?" I know and no. Walking through hardware stores and to the bank and to the grocery to buy more food to force myself to eat. I cannot allow myself to curl up and die. I cannot allow myself to see people. I have to turn everything inward to generate enough power to keep my sun from collapsing into a singularity.
Hysterical laughter tearing through my lungs and tears staining the floor between my boots while I stand in lines. Eyes red and sunken and lips cracked from grinning and grimacing. Doubling over in hacking coughs and dry heaves that will not stop. Questioning, screaming, begging the snowy sky why there is no magic pill, but there is a magic bullet. It's not going to be easy. Please don't talk to me. I know I am a mess and nothing will help more than time alone. Thank you for understanding.
///Philip Selway - "Coming Up For Air"
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