Holdovers and Artifacts

Food is a reward.  It is a fact.  And a holdover from days, years, decades of "discipline" (call it what you will, I've come to understand and know it by it's other name: abuse).  I have managed to unwire many things hard coded into me and I am happy for that.  It is one of the things that has been very difficult to dismantle.  "You can eat when the work is done".  The entire idea of getting caught eating.  Getting caught eating first.  I've been deconstructing why exactly it is I feel so uncomfortable eating around other people and I do know that has something to do with it.

Getting punished for eating or resting before the assignment is done.  Even alone it is still enforced consciously to avoid the unconscious recoil.  Even before cutting weight for the wrestling team and working to the point of exhaustion because getting caught in the house brought severe consequences for quite some time to the point where, and I will grant him this, my father would see me working and tell me it was okay to stop and I would insist on continuing because his word was not too be trusted.  It plays back into the whole he says one thing and waits and watches and waits and then springs the trap the next day or two weeks off or two months off.  Sycophant in a way.  An issue of control.

How he used to strap a governor on my face.  What the hell was he afraid of?  We could've been friends.  Left and right barrels with one trigger.  Ah well.  The point is this: artifacts.  Afterimages that have refused to fade through the years and I have to remind myself there are many more to come and many more erasers to try.  An aversion for food is very unhealthy.  I will strive to continue to dissociate the two.  Food is necessary and vital and has nothing to do with occupation, preoccupation, goals, failure, desertion of duty, breaks in time, success, or operations.  If I am eating it is because I should be, not because I've somehow tricked my way into it or trapped my way to a plate or have let someone down by taking the time.

In the meantime while I try to enforce this very simple principle, I will continue to attempt to escape and nibble when I can.  I understand it may seem strange, but if I ever eat with you heartily it's because it means a lot to me to be able to do so and I hope it comes across that way.  I will be willing to do many other things with you before I will agree to eat with you at a table.  There are still several more relics that need eradicated, raised, and (some) built upon.  This one is the one that needs leveled to rubble first.  A dead heat, but the one I want to focus first and burn away.




///Bonobo - "Pick Up"   ...the loud minority...


///Tricky - "Overcome"  nothing to gift, so ill gift you this, for now