Appropriated

There are some things that cannot be appropriated by reasonable or tenable means.  That, I understand.  I am okay with that.  I am not okay with the disconnect between what I understand I can and cannot do and what  others believe I can and cannot do.  Let alone imagination.  That far-grounds.  The literal fairgrounds.  I know what I am capable of.  That is why my closest eye is always kept on my own core.  Why control remains a battle and I am open about it and why I will tell you, you who has much more to live for and with and do and impact and absorb and congregate and contribute, you who, let's not mince words, mean more to the continued survival of "us" than I do (being consumed, manipulable, and damaged plaything willfully and unfortunately acknowledged beyond embracing to bracing and building and purpose driven more so to clean logic than you burdened [in many ways] will "get").  I am not self absorbed as much as self contained.  For good and well reason.

That far grounds and I will take it because the planet is shared and cooperation is far favored over conflict.  You'd be mad to favor the one over the other.

What I will attempt to do, making no excuses for my own absence, is make an attempt to bridge the gap between interface and input and output.  They each have their own gap since I lost the utility of my digital/analog transferrer.  My drawing pad.  I have killed far too much time in attempts to make it work and then it does work and then it doesn't and then it does.  I do not work with instability.  It's pain filled in ways that are difficult to describe and often times it is like watching systems break down and panic, but the ship still needs piloted and crying will not steer you away from making landfall nose first and exploding on impact because you packed enough fuel for the return trip assuming there would not be enough planet side to get back home and god knows the minute you left orbit you wanted few things more than being back among the moon sized blocks of ice and rock where the weather is a stable "too small to hold atmosphere even if it was available."

There is a lot to think about.  Has been for some time now.  Apart from the boards themselves.

Additional cycles.

Rage to sort.

Or is it happiness?  It is not easy to tell the difference between hungry and food poisoning, blind and tired, excited and impossibly anxious, indecisive and disinterested, hot enough to burn and cold enough to do the same, sleepless and too tired to, hyper and happy, disappointed and defeated, slow and stupid.  It has been very difficult to trust and give freely.  Enfuriating or a good problem to have?  Expectations have not been met and I believe it is largely my own fault and I wonder how far I can modify, because there is always room for modification on my end, but how many times can modification be made before you have completely lost yourself?  Perfect and good are two very separate things.

No music selection tonight.  Double score tomorrow?