AUTHOR.CALHO: If I didn't write it, I would be hitch hiking cross country to Maine and then Alaska in that order. While taking frequent breaks to spread leaflets. And sit in diners. And write on things because I wasn't at a computer. I may still do that in a few years. Writing this also helps me forget about and better understand the limitations of being human, and keeps me busy enough to allow me no free time to burn the world down.

THEMATIC.ABOUT : Collapse often. The things that hold people together and hold them apart and scatter brains. The things that make thoughts go boom. The things that ooh and aah and [expletive deleted]. Sometimes poking around the margins where responsibility ends and the only one to look to is the Original Equipment Manufacturer and say "but, I already pressed 9 for more options and the menus are exactly the same. Can you just replace it?" The answer will be: "please hold." Sometimes hanging out in dark corners. Sometimes following the train tracks. Looking for ways out and ways in and all the while sharing the things seen and heard and done and drawn and written and scorched and healed and teased and caged and dreamed along the way.

12/28/06

faulty 12/28/06

Subject : faulty
Posted Date: : Dec 28, 2006 8:23 AM

alright... it has recently occured to me that the answer to "what gives?" could be and probably is me. j.s. pointed out to me something that i completely overlooked and that's the possibility that the responses i think i get that are negative are actually simply nuetral. for some reason i always expect people to feel either positively or negatively toward something. its a worldview my dad has... i guess ive adopted some of it. funny how things seep into your brain like that.

i thought it was just shades and that there really is no real nuetral. at least with myself i know that i really dont have a nuetral. at least i like to think that i dont. i dont feel nuetral toward anything or anyone, i either feel good about them or it or i feel bad about them or it. there are mixes but there is never a perfect mix that balances out to nothing. i find the thought appalling somehow that someone could feel nothing toward a person... maybe an it would be okay, but a person?!?! gross.

so i may very well have been misqueing myself all along. it could be that people that i feel should feel (hahaha "feel should feel". words are awesome, anyway) people that i feel should feel at least something positive towards me dont feel anything at all. i dont bother them or make them angry or upbraid them so they're actually inclined to feel nothing; in part because im not a threat to them, but also in part because they just dont consider me - at all. i simply fall into the category of a nonfactor. its not depressing. i always said you can't be friends with everyone. im also the one who seems to have forgotten that.

the experiment is cancelled.

and yes... go fuck yourselves.
at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)