AUTHOR.CALHO: If I didn't write it, I would be hitch hiking cross country to Maine and then Alaska in that order. While taking frequent breaks to spread leaflets. And sit in diners. And write on things because I wasn't at a computer. I may still do that in a few years. Writing this also helps me forget about and better understand the limitations of being human, and keeps me busy enough to allow me no free time to burn the world down.

THEMATIC.ABOUT : Collapse often. The things that hold people together and hold them apart and scatter brains. The things that make thoughts go boom. The things that ooh and aah and [expletive deleted]. Sometimes poking around the margins where responsibility ends and the only one to look to is the Original Equipment Manufacturer and say "but, I already pressed 9 for more options and the menus are exactly the same. Can you just replace it?" The answer will be: "please hold." Sometimes hanging out in dark corners. Sometimes following the train tracks. Looking for ways out and ways in and all the while sharing the things seen and heard and done and drawn and written and scorched and healed and teased and caged and dreamed along the way.

5/30/17

Choices

I am dying because of the choices to soothe schizophrenia.  When it comes down to it the choices are

A: chemical death and blinders

or

B: pills and being able to grow old with the people I love

"A" is okay.  But I will lose everything and everyone in a spiral dance that eats away at everything eventually and turns me toxic.  A slow deletion.  However, I will be me throughout.  "B" is foul and will turn me into something I cannot recognize and will force us back toward something I cannot govern, but will extend life and I don't want to cry.

I know that "B" may give me sleep and normal hours.  It will clip art and expression.  It will dull my eyes.  I don't want ...I have to.  My body is crashing with "A".   Meat cage, right?  

Cornered.

I wanted my medical records.  To at least see where we've been.  I will miss you.  Mister self destruct.  Something has to change.  You shouldn't be able to drink folks under the table.  You shouldn't need shot to fall asleep.  There is another way to manage the voices.  You have to change.  You don't have to hurt all of the time.   You can trust another doctor.


Lies.  Stupid lies.





We have to ask.  We have to at least ask.   How much time do we have?
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