Scarification

I am very much looking forward to finishing the bear paw/lens on my left hand.  When I started scarification it was in part a way to feel more complete.  A way to match the inside with the outside and unify the kingdom of my body and mind.  A way to talk without saying a word of the anger and hate that refuses to go out.

Years later, I am happy still to have the daily reminder because without it I would forget and there are things that must never be forgotten or glossed over.  The older ones were there for a warning and also for a reminder.  I do believe I've been familiar enough and known enough that they serve much less in the capacity of a warning and much more in the capacity of a daily reminder to never go back.  No matter how desperate.  No matter how ... imagine a perfect storm of circumstances ... no matter how "that".  And I'm glad because without them I would cycle back.  A daily hard stop.  I'm glad my occasional congeniality shows through too.  85% of the time, I'm alright or able to figure a way back to right 100% of the time.  15% of the time, probably more, the outcomes are not at all acceptable.

I am really looking forward to finishing my paw.  It's going to be a ton of fun slitting things open and the entire attendant processes.  The thing that makes the difference and turns the key over is the performance of the hobby and valve check in a positive light.  Happy reminders.  When I started it, the thing began as a reminder of the power and ability to destroy.  That whenever I picked up my left hand, whenever it touched me, whenever it touched anything, there would be a constant reminder of the terrible abilities it had.

Drawing the tattoo, the scarification in that region, to a close is going to come with a lot of happiness.  Completing the drawing is going to be a constant reminder of the good power can do.  The terrific beast that requires a constant leash can close its teeth to create, not only destroy.

My father still populates my dreams sometimes.  I really did think it could be possible to kill him there and eliminate him completely.  Not entirely true.  Around the fourth time that it happened, him popping up in my dreamscape without reason, want, or control, I realized, snapping awake that my circuits have replaced spiders with his face.  I'm laughing because I used to be an arachnophobe and when I would go prancing in dreamland, more often than not if there was something I was supposed to wake up for, my factory would dump spiders into the dream somehow and I would snap awake.  Until I conquered my fear of spiders.  There's not much that hard lines me to full alert these days beyond him within 10 feet of me.  I suppose I'm stuck with that cardboard cut out flag for hard stops until I stumble upon something else worth fearing.

It's kind of funny the way it happens too.  It's not horror movie sudden.  The wickerman starts appearing and eventually I just get so frustrated that I wake out of dream states.  I wish he was dead already.    Life would be much simpler and free flowing, more so than now.  Patience, lily pad.  Patience.

It's not raining on the pleasure though.  It's going to be a fine afternoon when the stars line up and there's time to make the incisions and time to allow them to heal up enough to make good utility of the hand afterward.  It's gonna be swell, it's gonna be swell.  I'm looking forward to finally starting the smiling portion, the "because it's what I want" portion.




///Basement Jaxx - "Hot & Cold"