The Unwritten Beard Manifesto and Subsequent Referendum That Never Happened

Here's why:

I'm not against shaving.  I just hate it.  I say that shaving is for pussies.  Its a joke that cuts both ways.  If you don't see the humor in it, you're an idiot.  If you don't see the humor in it, allow me to clarify.  Shaving is for pussies, as in weak people that feel they have to present a certain image of themselves to be attractive.  Beards are awesome.  Lady, if you've got a mustache, the only thing weirder is shaving every morning.  Everyone sees your five o'clock shadow.  I dunno, bleach it or something maybe?  Okay, fine.  Shave it.  Laser it.  Laser the hell out of your face.  It's a complicated issue, I know.  Shaving is for pussies, as in pelvic areas, as in the vulva, is a joke.  It's sarcasm.  Can you imagine walking around with razor burn on your crotch all day, everyday, with the most confining underwear known to mankind?  I can.  I once completely botched a ball shaving job with an electric razor and didn't realize it until my scrotum was on fire in a pair of fine mesh black panties while sitting at a bus stop in the middle of summer.  It was ten o'clock in the morning.  It was one of the worst days I've ever experienced hygienically speaking.  Oddly enough, when I do it right I can shave my crotch with great ease and never have the problems induced when shaving my face.  If I had pubic hair for a beard I could shave every day, easy as pie.  However, I could never grow a beard because I would have pubes on my face and a full forest in my pants and that's just asking for all sorts of smelly sweaty awfulness down there and who wants a pube face?  I mean, than I would absolutely have to shave every day and that's just a hassle on another scale.  Shaving is not for pussies.  Trimming perhaps, but not baby smooth shaving.  That's just weird and hazardous to your health and safety.  Beards are awesome.  They keep the wind off of your face in Winter.  They shimmer in Summer.  They're low maintenance.  They let the world know you are a sexy beast.  They let the world know you are not a child anymore.  They make a statement.  They give you a chin if you don't have one.  They give you something to play with and tug on and snuffle into.  I'm not against shaving.  I just hate it.  I hate it like I hate Nazis.  Okay, I hate Nazis more.  Slightly more.  There should be an extra notch above hate so that I can hate Nazis more, but there isn't so I have to hate shaving slightly less than I hate Nazis.  So I don't actually hate shaving.  I just strongly strongly strongly dislike it.  Why set your face on fire everyday?  I don't like anyone enough to go in for that no matter how much they like a smooth cheek.  How's that working out for you now?  What do you mean you don't want to nuzzle my horribly broken out, bleeding ingrown haired face?  Wasn't that what you wanted?  Aw, go to hell!  You don't know what you want.  I want a nice thick beard, thank you ma'am.  Shaving is not for pussies, its simply not for me.  No need to spark a revolution.  Grow a beard or do not.  I won't love you less, but you may find I love you a little more.