spent some time in the foundry. It was important to do. Part of the importance was simply getting the shakes out. Along the path of life I managed to convince myself that it was too hard to use my drawing pad to make drawings instead of doing them on paper but what I realized, after weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks of procrastination, was that I was putting it off to do paper because I knew I would never really try to pick up paper the same way I can pick up the convenience of a drawing pad. Partly because I don't have the pens or pencils I like in my house and at arms reach when I want them, and partly because I don't have scrolls of paper big enough to do what I want to do when I want to do it, and partly because both of those things allow me the saving grace to not have to burden myself with the torture of stepping outside my own skull, and that last one is the big one.
I love living by dreamlight still. It's a wonderful thing. Not without it's own limitations, but when you live in there you never have to worry about showing someone else what it was that you saw while you were there. You never have to do the work. On top of that you never have to slug your way through misinterpretation when you do try to translate dream code into real code and the circuits short out half way and you get flustered and start sweating because you know they know it didn't really happen but it did I swear if I can just show you how it all went down. You're never burdened with that. But it's the same principle as the principle of the fact of the matter and on and on being that you can't get in trouble if you're not conscious. Which is true.
How you got to being unconscious is the tricky part, but once you get there you are literally unable to fuck anything up. There's something to be said for that. The being comatose. The being asleep. Part of why I prize it like I do. The best way to do no wrong is to be unable to do no wrong. So I spent some time though and made a picture that I like and also do not enjoy looking at because it did not turn out the way I wanted to or the way I saw it in my head and more over it is now subject to other opinions that I can or may not listen to, but it's not like I'm making a career so I care and then I don't off and on and more importantly if I simply went to bed instead of drawing the entire issue would be moot. That's me. Butters.
I'm glad I went back inside it though. I had to. I couldn't not do it. Things were gestating for months and needed out. It was time not spent unwell, and there's something to be said for that and I'm saying it now. Or at least trying to. I care because you do. You care because I do. We care because the infinite point of no one does not care? Trying to balance out the word game. It's funny. She's funny. But if you're going to be a recluse, at least try not to be reckless is all I'm saying. If you're house is going to burn down, at least take good pictures.
Twas' fun though.
I don't know what it all means with regard to the original mission. I don't know if I'm gaining or losing ground or if it matters. I'm still trying to lay down the blueprint, not so much to prevent me from recurring farther along down the line of history, and not so much to cut off what created me, and not so much to bring about some sort of internal change, but just to lay down track so someone like me can at least know what may or may not be ahead of them (but more than likely is). That's really part of what I do live for. Delusional or not. I enjoy going to sleep and laying my head on a pillow knowing that maybe, on down the line, I helped someone not completely self destruct. Or at least postpone it a day or two.
If what I do and have done tells one boy that it's not necessarily over when it should have been, but it's also written once it's written and the best you can do is operate within that frame and engage and rejoin society to the best you can do and the rest is garbage time and uncontrollable and largely unpleasant, but unavoidable, then I did something right. Sometimes you get bad gear from the get and that will be how it is. A perpetual game of catch up if you let yourself be consumed by it. Personally, I'm still hoping for the off chance of a nuclear apocalypse. And that's a long, long, long, bet these days. I also thought, though, with my luck, I'd be the first one to die in an Earth purging event. The first person shot in the face by some ultimate virus cleansing crew because I happened to develop a bad cough the day before shit hit the fan. Ha! that would be my luck though.
Just know, you're not alone. I tell and believe the same within myself.. We'll meet again some day, sweetheart, and when we do we will tear this planet down to it's foundations by any means available. And it will be classy as hell.
///Amon Tobin + "Rosies" so where do you wanna go?
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