Touching Down (t minus four)

I've been, uhm... out of touch. Broke loose for a few days. Had to find myself, and now I'm touching down again. Attempting reentry. Things got bad. Not worse than usual. It's hard to explain. I was walking to the store and I just broke into tears. Uncontrollable tears. The thing about crying is that, sometimes, once you understand why, what it is that drove you there, you can start to turn it off. Start to stand yourself down. I had tears streaming down my face and at the same time the armory was gearing up and my hands were in fists and I bit my lips so hard they started bleeding. I was a mess. I had to blow off so much energy I took it to a brick wall for a while and then came home and took it to my own wall for four hundred reps. The swelling is starting to come down though. Getting most of the feeling back in my forearms. The artifacts living inside my head were screaming at me so loud I couldn't bear wakefulness.

 I'm trying to hold on until my birthday at least. I know I don't owe to myself or anyone to do so. I want to know what tomorrow is. I know this is just a bad burn. A nasty hiccup of circuitry. I can handle it. I can handle it. I can handle it. I've lost control of them. The voices in my head. They just get so loud and the effort blows my mind apart. Parsing the information faster than it comes in. Controlling what goes out. It came apart so fast this time. Over night. And it really is all I can do to isolate myself, because I don't have clear answers to questions.

 

 "How are you?" How can I answer that? I can't seem to remember my dreams lately. They follow me wherever I go. Wherever I am, I am so rarely alone. How am I? I don't know. The question makes me sweat. What am I supposed to say? No one wants to hear that you're so thickly steeped in thoughts of suicide, but still find time to laugh. I don't know. Still looking for my way out. Back in the day, birthdays were the most violent times of the year. Birthdays and holidays. You got a shitty card and, if you were lucky, dodged a beating. I guess that still rolls over in my mind grave. Freezes me, even while my head burns from the inside out. So much chest thumping anxiety. What was I supposed to have been by now? Breaking waves. Burning up on reentry. I must have it.

 I want to live among the stars. I know, it's unreasonable. Untenable. Un everything except a dream. I finally blew apart the three part relationship that owned me. It was a bad thing. Burned it to the ground for good. Flat earth policy. And I miss the ownership. The being needed. Having my leash held. I'm a stray again. But not unloved, I have to learn again. It's gonna take time. Sometimes being alone with your thoughts is a good thing. Sometimes you just unravel and want to take the world apart as you go. Sometimes you'd give your right eye for sleep. Sometimes you break your body apart just to be able to breath again. Bringing myself in for a landing. Coming in hot.


 ///School of Seven Bells - "Love Play" ...bass up.