And When I'm Swimming In Through a Tunnel I Shut My Eyes

There was a day when I was fighting substance abuse. A recent day. Joined in combat with myself. The war was being fought on several fronts, less chiefly in my mind, much more so in the fibers of my flesh. A stalemate would have ensued. Had the other side not run out of ammunition.

So I took my body on the road, like I have before. Saddled up the bicycle. Checked the metrics and vitals on it and decided the bike itself would not kill me on its own unless I was the one steeping outside the envelope. And so we went.

For three hours. Half drunk and half possessed to tear myself apart in as constructive a way as I could. The dismemberment of the arms works division exercised in full physical animosity of the frames and walls that house it.

I got back home spent. Phenomenally spent. Phenomenally spent and utterly independent of chemicals. It was beautiful. The only thing that could have made it more so would have been to stumble in doors, deposit my bicycle and fall on the floor gasping only to be collected by a love. A human being who loved my sweating, salted, corporeal, enough to fuck me right then and there in all of my disheveled, half awake, half conscious, and fully realized and exploited self.

To feel waves of pleasure wash over skin and gush from within like the cyclops eye of a New England light house against the north eastern scream of a mental squall that threatens to blot out life like a spilled canteen to an anthill, to feel those waves wash against bones and muscle incapable of putting up protest, to lose oneself in that ocean and sink and curl in the wavering cyclones of tide and circular torridity of thick and hot and cold water, inches above the punishment of coral formation and light days away from consequence, is to feel an absolute lack of control and borderline sexuality that flirts with the recklessness of the passivity of induced rape.

And that's what I wanted that afternoon. That's what I needed. What I needed was you. That's okay though, we've got time to make yet.


///Mum - "Green Grass of Tunnel" ...behind these two hills, there's a pool...