AUTHOR.CALHO: If I didn't write it, I would be hitch hiking cross country to Maine and then Alaska in that order. While taking frequent breaks to spread leaflets. And sit in diners. And write on things because I wasn't at a computer. I may still do that in a few years. Writing this also helps me forget about and better understand the limitations of being human, and keeps me busy enough to allow me no free time to burn the world down.

THEMATIC.ABOUT : Collapse often. The things that hold people together and hold them apart and scatter brains. The things that make thoughts go boom. The things that ooh and aah and [expletive deleted]. Sometimes poking around the margins where responsibility ends and the only one to look to is the Original Equipment Manufacturer and say "but, I already pressed 9 for more options and the menus are exactly the same. Can you just replace it?" The answer will be: "please hold." Sometimes hanging out in dark corners. Sometimes following the train tracks. Looking for ways out and ways in and all the while sharing the things seen and heard and done and drawn and written and scorched and healed and teased and caged and dreamed along the way.

11/30/06

fear of wanting 11/30/06

Subject : fear of wanting
Posted Date: : Nov 30, 2006 10:40 AM

so what happend many eves ago: was probably nomal. probably not so weird as i thought it was. ive always been confused to a degree. confused sexually. essentially a late night of drinking left two boys passed out on my couch. and i wanted to give them both blow jobs. really badly at the time. other strange things happend that night, at least they felt strange.

ultimately i didnt, which was probably for the best. i think i have a fear of wanting. wanting to know that the people i love are cared for. i dont think i want to be trash. i want to be loved and to love as much as the next person. im just also very passionate and there isnt much place for that where ive tried to jam it in. anxiety. grappling with what is and what i want. i have an overwhelming desire to do things right, but also to do things my way, and my way never seems to be the right way. i keep screwing up. so much so that it gets hard to feel which way is down. so much so that it gets hard to feel. to know.

when that happens its nice to have someone to point the way for you. but sometimes there's no one who knows the way any better than you do. and then confusion sets in.
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