AUTHOR.CALHO: If I didn't write it, I would be hitch hiking cross country to Maine and then Alaska in that order. While taking frequent breaks to spread leaflets. And sit in diners. And write on things because I wasn't at a computer. I may still do that in a few years. Writing this also helps me forget about and better understand the limitations of being human, and keeps me busy enough to allow me no free time to burn the world down.

THEMATIC.ABOUT : Collapse often. The things that hold people together and hold them apart and scatter brains. The things that make thoughts go boom. The things that ooh and aah and [expletive deleted]. Sometimes poking around the margins where responsibility ends and the only one to look to is the Original Equipment Manufacturer and say "but, I already pressed 9 for more options and the menus are exactly the same. Can you just replace it?" The answer will be: "please hold." Sometimes hanging out in dark corners. Sometimes following the train tracks. Looking for ways out and ways in and all the while sharing the things seen and heard and done and drawn and written and scorched and healed and teased and caged and dreamed along the way.

10/17/07

1976 10/17/07

Subject : 1976
Posted Date: : Oct 17, 2007 11:22 AM

1976 views. been gone for a while. dealing with depression and odd issues hither and thither. at the moment i feel like im biding my time in college. waiting for another year to end so i can finally get on with living my "real" life after graduation. but i mean, except for a handful of things that i know i am desparately wanting to do to advance my personal life to a new stage of stability, love, excitement, and rest what i am essentially looking forward to is going to be another time out session. just another pause along the road. i have to get a masters degree to command the pay i will need to live the kind of life i want to, and in order to do that im going to have to take a year off to study for gre's and find a school and all the rest. so its basically just time out part two.

im exhausted with school. i hate homework. i hate forced reading. i hate a lot of things but i love even more so im okay with that sensation i think. i started smoking again. im not really sure why. maybe its because my football team lost so i dont really have to be in peak condition. why the hell would anyone really need to be able to run five miles? so i dont really care about that. and if i have to hold my breath for a minute i guess ill be ass out in the cold on that count. and if i have to do thirty pull ups to save my life, well, same deal. too bad. its a nice pass time, i think. maybe ill get some pipe tobacco and smoke pipes in my white robe every saturday afternoon. make it a pleasant ritual of aromas and scotch. speaking of which i need to get a more plush robe. for my ass mostly. ill admit it. i like having really furry soft things to sit on and rub myself against. its fun. its relaxing. its flippin awesome is what it is.

stealing. i havent stolen anything aside from digital properties in a long time. im trying to keep it that way. im also making minimum credit card payments. i know i shouldnt, but i dont have the money to pay it down so its better than nothing. and furthermore! nope.... thats it i guess. sorry ive been away so long. ive thought about you everyday and i missed your milestones (1666 view). but im back again. and i tentatively wager i will be writing in you more often than i have. <3

///boards of canada-"constants are changing" this song has helped me end more rough days than i can count. nothing like melting into blankets with blustery old man winter giving you chills and a delicate weave of synth fades and tonal scales washing over you like the tiniest, ever unique, crystals of ice.

7/30/07

actually this 07/30/07

Subject : actually this
Posted Date: : Jun 30, 2007 7:30 PM

this is how happy i am

[------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------]

7/25/07

this is whats wrong 07/25/07

Subject : this is whats wrong
Posted Date: : Jun 25, 2007 6:54 PM

what keeps america going?

a quick survey of television yeilds:

the "criminal justice industry" (prisons, police, etc.)

the military ("protecting" overseas interests)

education (schooling to make you a functional cog but not intelligent)

image (make yourself better and more liked by putting [insert product] on as often as possible)

[no picture necessary, just turn on your damn tvfor 15 minutes]

and fear (see following music entry)

///dntel - "pillowcase" do not listen to this track at any time while high, and definitely not at night when hunting for sweeter dreams. back shortly.

change the channel 07/25/07

Subject : change the channel
Posted Date: : Jun 25, 2007 7:53 PM

alright so im basically complaining again, but its legitimate this time. i swear. on my eventual grave.

america is raising a bunch of pussy ass punk bitch kids. and the most pussy punk ass bitchiest of the bunch are the ones that are gonna run things. just think about it. all those emo mother fuckers who sware ... or is it swear... whatever... who sware they cant deal with life for a single additional day or that everyday is the worst day mankind has witnessed to date are likely not so weak willed because they cant change but probably because all the shit they listen to tells them to be miserable. its like high fidelity... except there is no ambiguity. music is making people miserable, fearful, shallow, and worthless.

kids are afraid to speak up for themselves. kids are afraid to be different from what industry tells them to be. theyre fearful of so many things that have no bearing on real life. theyre distraught over emotions that dont matter. and theyre hateful over differences that are purely cosmetic. they have goals that are pipe dreams and engineered stories designed to sell unsustainable lifestyles. and they see themselves as warriors in fights that dont exist. its more than a manipulation of emotion for effects that can be enjoyable or inspirational or cathartic or whatever the hell you wanna call it. its basically creating ideology for children. yaaaay. childeology. copyright. true story.

its not all music either... duh... its just that the people with half a brain to change the channel instead of being brain washed by recycled beats and redundant guitar riffs have better things to do than try to reform a music market for the masses who are so geared into their own worthlessness to accept that things could be different.

your music is offensive and your brain is under utilized. please see vh1, cmt, bet, and mtv top "music" countdowns for further examples. then burn your tv. then buy a new black and white tv and keep it tuned to public access. jerks.

dont eat ice cream all day. itll make you fat and a waste of space. however much it contributes to the GNP.

///del the funky homosapien - "3030" quality 7 minute anthem. listen to it. rebuild something. more and better and different music to come. for serious.

7/19/07

dear person i snapped at 07/19/07

Subject : dear person i snapped at today
Posted Date: : Jun 19, 2007 12:49 AM

sorry. i know, you probably thought it was the right way to respond to my inane ramblings and i probably shouldnt have taken it so seriously and besides we are coworkers you know? co-workers dont fight. ontop of that we went to get sodas afterward too. it might have been easy for you to fall into a position where the only way to get a word in edgewise was to criticize me directly, and i know it was easy to put you there (if thats what happend at all) because i am very good at carrying on long dialogs with whoever will listen, so im sorry. im sorry because i probably shouldnt have made you feel like a moron for criticizing me and i probably shouldnt have called you a coward and i probably shouldnt have told you to fuck off, so ... my bad.

its not that i dont give a fuck... its just that i have my own short comings when it comes to things like people who use criticism as an in for interaction. i didnt mean to be a jerk, but then again you probably didnt either. you probably just wanted to join in on my never ending monologue... or maybe not... maybe you were just tired of hearing me ramble. i get tired of hearing me ramble sometimes and i know for a fact its not half worth listening to 75% of the time. well maybe fifty percent. what im trying to say is i was wrong to assume you were wrong, but i was also wrong (assuming you were right) by virtue of the way i reacted. sorry again. hope i didnt crush your self esteem by any means. mine is already pretty fragile as it is and would probably implode if i wasnt constantly forcing it outward with my long winded diatribes about how awesome i may or may not be....

anyways... i guess i should say thanks for bringing my longwindedness on the job to my attention. ill try to talk a little bit less while im there. for the rest of the time however i will probably keep on talking. mainly because i like to talk and shutting up is for cowards, introverts, the subjugated and military men/women. i believe that last sentence counts as posturing. performance. but in a good way. call it hyperbole mixed with something along the lines of a lack of self control. i feel compelled to talk so i do and i make it sound like its a great thing. because it is. dont be a communist. bye.

///planetary assaul systems - "gated" wanna know what it sounds like in my brain when my synapses really get my mouth going and i dont talk it out to keep things somewhat organised? it sounds like something going 360 beats per minute with a violin trying to catch every third note while sticking to a 4:4 meter all while an alarm sounds just out of synch enough to make you wish you woke up five hours later in the morning and without having to take a huge dump before you could function. but you still like it because after the first thirty seconds of feeling and hearing that way you start to see how it all fits together better than anything you could have written yourself.

7/8/07

the real vitamin water 07/08/07

Subject : the real vitamin water commercials
Posted Date: : Jul 8, 2007 2:09 AM

HOW THE VITAMIN WATER COMMERCIALS SHOULD REALLY GO:

"Try jumping through a sheet rock cieling twice, try it."

"Try carrying a table downstairs with two sprained ankles, try it."

"Try smoking two packs in one day, try it."

"Try leaping from a second story window onto milk crates, try it."

"Try playing lacrosse with empty bottles in a narrow hallway, try it."

"Try playing baseball with a two by six and a waterpolo ball, try it."

"Try sprinting for two hours and climbing ten foot barbed fences on a sunday morning, try it."

"Try submission wrestling on low pile carpet for three hours, try it."

"Try breaking eight couches and five desks to fit in a dumpster in less than 24 hours, try it."

"Try single handedly hauling a 7 inch thick futon mattress two and a half miles, try it."

"Try sliding 12 inches on concrete using only the left side of your face, try it."

"Try setting your entire forearm on fire, try it."

"Try using 60 grit sandpaper on your rug burns and then cleaning them with carcinogenic paint thinner, try it."

"Try fighting someone three times your size while unable to walk, try it."

etc etc. life is full of ridiculous situations and even worse decisions. im just glad its all behind me. bring it on vitaminwater. you dont know the half of what im capable of.

///minamina goodsong - "first movement" "you bet its gross: its beer kid, beer! here's a beer drinkin song for you, heeeey." "what'd you do with a drunken sailor, what'd you do with a drunken sailor, what'd you do with a drunken sailor, earl-eye in the mornin."

6/17/07

people are smart 06/17/07

Subject : "people are smart"
Posted Date: : Jun 17, 2007 1:00 PM

there are few things funnier than commercials that convince their viewers that they are smart. first of all if you can be convinced of your inteligence by a television commercial you are probably not that bright. second of all a commercial is not the authority on human inteligence, inteligent people are. and thirdly its a fucking commercial!!! commercials dont change the smart half of the publics opinion about the dumber half... no offense to the morons out there.

ditech. "people are smart" dream on.

posturing 06/17/2007

Subject : posturing
Posted Date: : Jun 17, 2007 11:29 AM

i hate posturing. i hate posturing more than a lot of things in the world.... or at least more than a lot of things in america. posturing is the root of so many problems. think about it. if politicians never postured you'd know exactly what was going on in the world at any given moment. if party people didnt posture you'd know at a party who was there just to have a good time, who was there a flirt a little, and who was there to slut it up. you'd know who you should talk to and who you should avoid talking to. if professors didn't posture you'd know what you needed to do to do well in their classes without having to decipher what they were really saying. you wouldnt have to do bullshit work tacked on to meaningful course work to make their class seem harder than it is. if car companies didnt posture you'd know which cars were the safest, or the best value. if bosses didnt posture you would know that a job was essentially slave labor with a stipend. you could work as hard as you needed to and not an hour more without worrying about getting fired. you would know which business owners were really about the well being of their laborers and which ones would grind you into dust if it meant an extra five dollars in their pocket every week.

posturing makes people idiots but also makes idiots out of other people. its simply not fair to anyone when posturing comes into play. highschool is so miserable for 3/4s of the people who go through it because 1/4 of the people in charge and at the top of the food chains are only concerned with appearances... and its bullshit. dont get me wrong... posturing has its place. in comedy, in sports, and in all things that are performances (even blogs sometimes) posturing plays an enormous and useful role. but life aint one big performance. some of us are more concerned with honestly living it as fully and contentedly as possible than tap dancing our way through it to hollow applause.



///dj rap - "good to be alive" not here to judge. im just sayin shit is fucked up sometimes and it doesnt have to be.

6/13/07

something to say 06/13/07

Subject : something to say
Posted Date: : Jun 13, 2007 12:13 AM

i had a lot of things to say earlier today and i told myself i would get off of work moving furniture and come home and write. but i couldnt make the time. which also means i forgot everything that i thought would be interesting to say. which sucks because when im at work i devote a significant amount of time to thinking. not really thinking about things that are exceptionally profound, or particularly strange, but things that take me down one path or another to some destination of interest.

sooo in lieu of something interesting to say i will simply share some of my favorite phrases. not really favorite phrases, but more like things i like to hear during the week in no particular order. turn cassette over now.

actually i disagree. instead of that im just going to acknowledge that i have nothing to say today except that i hope you all had great days. i guess the only other thing is that i would like to admit that i have a night light in the shape of a balloon with purple and yellow polka dots over blue tinted glass. i use it every night. =) thats about it. bbye for now.



///the pillows - "one life" if you are a fan of general j rock (alternative rock from japan) you'll love this little anthem of loving life. true story.

6/4/07

move your pen 06/04/07

Subject : move your pen
Posted Date: : Jun 4, 2007 11:09 PM

tonight... its too warm to sleep easily and i have a boner that refuses to resolve itself. so instead of trying to pleasure myself till the bright hours of the morning and going to work tired im gonna just try to sweat it out. not really sweat it out persay, but more like lay here till i feel sleepy.

while i wait for sleep i will write some stream of concious stuff that may or may not be true. basically im entertaining myself.

i picked apart my sandwich today while considering the things i like to imagine are important. the seeds in the wheat bread. there were seeds in the wheat bread and they reminded me of gothic homes. kitchen floors dusted with flour. flour that falls deeper. pressed by footsteps between the dulled boards. sprinkling down to the cellar where Tigris died. after birthing her litter. of still borns.

it was tuna fish again. not that i have anything against dolphins. or fishermen. theres a show on called deadliest catch featuring the dancing talents of a thing. i forget which talent im supposed to say. the tuna was old. i could taste it. the can. i could taste the can between bites. and i noticed the refrigerator door was still open.

the cool touch of air around my ankles just like the last time. i showered, but left my bedroom window open. i couldnt help thinking how gorgeous i looked. for the first minutes. before i realized there was a man standing beneath the street lights. just to the left of the oak tree that nearly died last winter. knowing the uncertainty. the measured seconds before my fingers shut the window. was the same.

a mouthful of tin shards and dry oats. mixed and mashed together with the smoked guts of some thing i'd never before laid. eyes on and probably never would. i picked that sandwich. for forty minutes. watching the sun and staring it down till it hid behind the big easy hills. and cast its shadows where my hands couldnt interfere. someone should probably. throw it out.



///the dust brothers - "jacks smirking revenge" not much to say here. the dust brothers are the chemical brothers. i think thats good enough if it matters at all. bbye for now.