AUTHOR.CALHO: If I didn't write it, I would be hitch hiking cross country to Maine and then Alaska in that order. While taking frequent breaks to spread leaflets. And sit in diners. And write on things because I wasn't at a computer. I may still do that in a few years. Writing this also helps me forget about and better understand the limitations of being human, and keeps me busy enough to allow me no free time to burn the world down.

THEMATIC.ABOUT : Collapse often. The things that hold people together and hold them apart and scatter brains. The things that make thoughts go boom. The things that ooh and aah and [expletive deleted]. Sometimes poking around the margins where responsibility ends and the only one to look to is the Original Equipment Manufacturer and say "but, I already pressed 9 for more options and the menus are exactly the same. Can you just replace it?" The answer will be: "please hold." Sometimes hanging out in dark corners. Sometimes following the train tracks. Looking for ways out and ways in and all the while sharing the things seen and heard and done and drawn and written and scorched and healed and teased and caged and dreamed along the way.

9/28/10

Anger Blankets and Arguing with Foreigners on Trains



I don't know. Great start right. Actually, what I said specifically was "I dunno." Blanket anger. I've had several arguments with a man from Ghana. It started off innocuous enough. He's only a year old than me, but he looks 18. At any rate, we were going back and forth about the source of American English and whether or not it was rooted in a rebelliousness borne of the revolution that lead to the Declaration of Independence or if it was the symptom of a liberal society. Things got minced and, in my opinion, he started crossing up his own perspectives of unrelated American culture with the point of the argument and rage was subdued by confusion and ill placed seconds of laughter that lead to him chalking up my perspective to general american rambunctiousness and uncouth manners (Ghana's still pretty fresh off of British everything. Boo U.K. and Ghana, but especially the U.K. ............. and especially Bart. Had to throw that in. Sorry (but not really). I don't know. Devolving. Angry. Let's play word associations. Blankets. Anger. Ambiguity. Television. Rage. Work. Time. Dissolution. Anger. Dilution. Failure. Success. Cups. Rates. Money. Failure. Dreams. Existence. Nihilism. Existence. Existentialism. Reading. Alternates. Time. Work. Conflict. Existence. Time. Hate. Distance. Company. Companies. Cigarettes. Industry. Costs. Work. Conflict. Time. Urine. Permission. Silence. Rage. Rage. Rage. Blankets.

I am, in short upset with an omnidirectional upsettedness that is killing my ability to make words and I think sanity is suffering and all I want to do is laugh and the desire is overriding common sense in the placement of that laughter and its ripping out of me like a chainsaw with a broken throttle in hands covered with olive oill and all I want is for the whole thing not to fly out of my grip, but everyday as I'm diving deeper into this new cadence of time I'm becoming increasingly aware of how thin that grip is and it doesn't disturb me as much as it makes me wish for the love and security of involuntary internment with all of my heart and something is shiny in the dark room and its the currency of the long term care I will eventually need when things break with a permanence that defies even the most aggressive modes of corrective medicine. I just have to wait a while. And I don't want to wait anymore and watch the whole thing keep racing like a rabid horse after carrot strapped infants.



///Bjork - "Joga" time out. Please?
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