Year End Playlist 2012

The music that made life a little easier to comprehend through 2012.  I told ya I was gonna put it together.  Got my "nyaahhhhhh" face going.  But seriously, this is what brought me through.  Instead of going by statistic logging I decided to go with the actual tracks I flagged through the year.  Sometimes the song you listen to the most is not a real indicator of what hit you the hardest.  I really do believe this is an accurate reflection of what punched my heart in the nuts through last year.

Dec  RJD2 - Moonlit Skies Go
Nov Skrillex - Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites Go
Oct Lo-Fidelity Allstars - Valentine Boast Go
Sept El-P - Stay Down Go
Aug War - Baby Brother Go
Jul Bjork - Pluto Go
Jun Aphex Twin - Waxen Pith Go
May Tosca - Oscar Go
Apr School of Seven Bells - Loveplay Go
Mar Starkey - Eris Go
Feb Kinny and Horn - Sacred Life Go
Jan Paul Murphy - Soul Call Go

This is the official tax return for 2012. The books have been, after a fashion, balanced. Five months late, but better late than never.  I feel pretty good about it.  Making next year's list, I can already bet on it, will be Death Grips.  I know I'm behind the curve of music, but I don't care all that much.  I'm just happy I have time to digest everything that comes across my plate as thoroughly as I care to, and that's what's up.


///Death Grips - "Guillotine"  ace high, chuck

Touching Down (t minus four)

I've been, uhm... out of touch. Broke loose for a few days. Had to find myself, and now I'm touching down again. Attempting reentry. Things got bad. Not worse than usual. It's hard to explain. I was walking to the store and I just broke into tears. Uncontrollable tears. The thing about crying is that, sometimes, once you understand why, what it is that drove you there, you can start to turn it off. Start to stand yourself down. I had tears streaming down my face and at the same time the armory was gearing up and my hands were in fists and I bit my lips so hard they started bleeding. I was a mess. I had to blow off so much energy I took it to a brick wall for a while and then came home and took it to my own wall for four hundred reps. The swelling is starting to come down though. Getting most of the feeling back in my forearms. The artifacts living inside my head were screaming at me so loud I couldn't bear wakefulness.

 I'm trying to hold on until my birthday at least. I know I don't owe to myself or anyone to do so. I want to know what tomorrow is. I know this is just a bad burn. A nasty hiccup of circuitry. I can handle it. I can handle it. I can handle it. I've lost control of them. The voices in my head. They just get so loud and the effort blows my mind apart. Parsing the information faster than it comes in. Controlling what goes out. It came apart so fast this time. Over night. And it really is all I can do to isolate myself, because I don't have clear answers to questions.

 

 "How are you?" How can I answer that? I can't seem to remember my dreams lately. They follow me wherever I go. Wherever I am, I am so rarely alone. How am I? I don't know. The question makes me sweat. What am I supposed to say? No one wants to hear that you're so thickly steeped in thoughts of suicide, but still find time to laugh. I don't know. Still looking for my way out. Back in the day, birthdays were the most violent times of the year. Birthdays and holidays. You got a shitty card and, if you were lucky, dodged a beating. I guess that still rolls over in my mind grave. Freezes me, even while my head burns from the inside out. So much chest thumping anxiety. What was I supposed to have been by now? Breaking waves. Burning up on reentry. I must have it.

 I want to live among the stars. I know, it's unreasonable. Untenable. Un everything except a dream. I finally blew apart the three part relationship that owned me. It was a bad thing. Burned it to the ground for good. Flat earth policy. And I miss the ownership. The being needed. Having my leash held. I'm a stray again. But not unloved, I have to learn again. It's gonna take time. Sometimes being alone with your thoughts is a good thing. Sometimes you just unravel and want to take the world apart as you go. Sometimes you'd give your right eye for sleep. Sometimes you break your body apart just to be able to breath again. Bringing myself in for a landing. Coming in hot.


 ///School of Seven Bells - "Love Play" ...bass up.

predetermination? or something worse

okay so lets begin by saying drastic action isnt necessary and probably will never be. its more of a convenience kind of thing and its a convenience that i will likely never be able to afford... since when every day is the worst day of your life pretty much any day could be an improvement on that so you have to hang on for one more day and unfortunately the only thing that matters is asking yourself that question. meanwhile other people get to actually live you have to keep saying to yourself hmmm i guess ill stick around for another day cuz "what if tomorrow is the day?"

well the answer to that question today is no. today was not the day. inevitably the universe threw me a shovel instead of a ladder and things just got uglier. its not worth going into. just imagine a very nasty person, who you know is a bad person, like an actual bad person, and then imagine that this bad person turns out to be even worse than you thought and that this person is in all likelihood even worse than the new information indicates. thats what today was. so not only has nothing improved but things have gone a good distance farther in reverse.

which really makes me ask as my empire of shit continues to somehow lol to somehow get shittier .... is that possible... hahaha... well apparently it is... but anyway ... this makes me ask my fellow man, the world, and the universe "is this predetermination or something waaay shittier?" are people just this bad or am i somehow a magical catalyst that causes people to do shitty things to me. i know there's agency in there. i wont deny that at all. but i try to put out constantly happy vibes. well not happy... but positive vibes. i am genuinely generous with what little shit i do have.... i mean was i just born without the "good fortunate" receiver antenna installed? and i dont mean that nothing good ever happens. or even ever happens to me because good things do happen, but its a lot like this:

there is an ice cream cone with your favorite flavor on top of a stick, but the stick is electrified and licking it will close a circuit that will give you a mildly unpleasant shock even as your enjoying it. and then before and after every lick you have to close your eyes and a person you may or may not know will punch you directly in the face but youll never know because your eyes are closed. what you do know is that the ice cream was soo good. but you lost teeth and got shocked just to taste it.

so is it then a matter of memory. forget the bad and remember the good? maybe. but thinking about how much you love the smell of flowers wont outweigh the experience of standing waste deep in fecies for a day in any persons memory.



its been a pretty steady trajectory. ive fought it, ive at times just gone with it, but that never lasted. i hated knowing that i wasnt doing anything to fight it. fighting it is the only thing i can do. i mean, i hate to even suggest it, because i know its complicated, but maybe people are just on the whole kind of douchey. id like to think i was just like everyone else. i really would. cuz then things would be different, but somehow im not like anyone else. but how do you fix that. does it even matter? probably not in a perfect world but how far away from that are we? we're in like a whole nother evil alternate time line or something. but am i not standing out enough? am i standing out too much? am i too this or not enough that? just be yourself. well thats what ive been doing and it aint working. everything that starts off okay eventually explodes, tears itself apart, gets crashed by me or someone else, or otherwise derails in grand 30s-early-film-head-on-train-collision style. does that mean that i just hate people? what the hell does it mean? nothing? luck isnt real... but ive chased opportunity. every single one. the only limiting factor being my own body's fatigue and geographical considerations and ive thrown that to the wind before too. sooo what the fuck.

lets just say its not predetermination. lets just say that genetics, race, income, and personality have nothing to do with it. that only leaves nurturing and outside forces. so if its not me or at least not entirely me then its them. the parents. they must be the other force like dead planets orbiting a star and altering its celestial corse ever so slightly. if someone suggested this years ago i would have at least made the case for an alternative but now... seeing it happen upclose and receiving details of locked away secrets.... it is. it really is the case. has to be. the world is simply too random to have a 15 year stretch of not so great outcomes.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. what the hell. ive bucked my head against so many walls i should honestly have no brain function left. and yet here i am still. unkillable. i feel like ive already lived forever. i would trade a raging alcoholic for one or both of the people that birthed me. at least then the reasons would be more obvious. and theyd be dead by now.

///school of seven bells - "face to face on high places" the song itself embodies the movement from one life to another. the title just makes me think of meeting up with friends and finally finally Finally!!!! having nothing serious to hide because it would kill the get together if i let it out wrong. and i just relish the thought of hanging out on a hill in a park in the summer with the wind and frisbees and girls and boys and just being. even the lyrics are reflective of the theme and actually poetically pretty engaging from a literary stand point. i dunno. i think im just waxing philosophical. nothing else much to do in the wreckage except poke the cinders now and then to make sure where your sitting is no longer on fire.