I want to have something important to say today, but I don't. Still working on the dream. I'm gonna muse for a minute, well several, as I am mentally drifting. While at work, the pressures of so much unpleasantness force my thoughts into a water jet that cuts steel, but away from those pressures it diffuses and runs easy and slipshod and quiet, or quieter, and my adrenal glands are gonna be shot by the time I'm 30 iterations old because so much of the day, well the night, is spent trying to wrestle control, heart charging, mind racing, all for nothing. There's nothing I can do to undo that. That shit job will still be around long after I leave it. The same people will still be there enforcing backward policy and rewarding incompetence. And that's the way it has to be. Competent people leave. They don't stay there. The only way any sort of structure can be maintained there is to reward stupidity, soft mindedness, weakness, and buffoonery and it is upsetting to me and it should be upsetting. All it means is that I have to leave before my head explodes.
I was working the other day and growing sicker by the moment. Physically sick to my stomach. The sounds being pumped down from the speakers in the ceiling were like ice picks touching my brainstem behind my throat and pricking it over and over and the pain of it was turning my stomach and making me dizzy. I considered after some time asking if I could leave at 3 AM, lunch time, and call it a day, but my stupid loyalty and pride in the work that I do told me to gut it out. Don't be weak and stupid and candy and thin. Gut it out. I don't care what you want, you came in today to do a job so do the job and then, when it's finished, go home and rest. You're not like them, is what I told myself until finally, while kneeling and shelving my body basically rebelled and pulled a knife on me. To which I answered, you wouldn't. And then it did, but it missed. Shattered the blade of the box cutter on the floor tiles taking a blind left handed downward swing at my leg and caught a rebounding shard in my mouth. So I met myself half way and took a long lunch break. It was a shitty day. I gotta get outta there.
So for the anniversary of my initialization my parents sent me a card. One of their signatures said live in peace. Which made me want to immediately purchase the next available train ticket down there to end their lives and burn the house to the ground. But I can't do that. I have too much I need to work on finishing already without the added difficulty of trying to do it in prison where materials would likely be even more scarce though free time would be in abundance so potentially that trade off might become more interesting if scarcity becomes a greater issue out here. It mostly made me question, though, how backward can a human being be. How stupid can a person truly be. To tell someone to live in peace. While simultaneously denying them every single last avenue open toward a life of peace and stability. It just reminds me of so many Christians. So many good Christians. It's in God's hands. She's with God now. He's in God's protection now. What the hell is wrong with you idiots. It's not in God's fucking hands. It's in your fucking hands. It just stymies me that people can be so oblivious. So learnedly oblivious to the obviousness of the impacts their decisions make on other peoples lives, especially, especially when so little effort on their part can make titanic changes for their own flesh and blood. Which is why I no longer consider them to be. They are an unfortunate do while loop that erred and spawned a NaN variable in me, but that has picked up where it left off doing nothing except cancer consuming it's surrounding while time left to live is not equal to or less than zero. I need a new mommy and daddy. Or a used set. Or even just one or the other as I have a pair of glaring vacancies. Apply within.
This is the three hundredth posting. My eleventh birthday is this Saturday. I might take myself out for ice cream. You can come too. I had another attack of something last night. It sucked. I woke up in the middle of it. Maybe it was a siezure. It was kind of funny in retrospect. I tried to get up and my whole body just want stiff and I fell back into my blanket with my face on my pillow. Funny because if someone were just walking by my room they would think I was fast asleep. I suppose if I hadn't woken up I wouldn't be composing this. I wonder sometimes where I am in the alternate reality when that happens. I wonder if maybe I touched something and received some sort of static shock and this state of contraction is how it crosses the bridge and stings me here. I wonder if assaulted by sound here what happens to me over there. I don't think it's just me crossing. Well I know it's not just me crossing. I wonder if I'll ever meet me over there. It is a rather large world.
Just the other day I was there and apparently there were some sweeping changes made while I was away. There concrete viaducts and underpasses everywhere and all biege and everyone was busy moving here and there and it took damn near half an hour to stop someone and ask them what was going on and where I could find the train station, because I hadn't ridden it in some time and I wanted to lose myself for a while. The man I stopped was about my height. Brown leather jacket and a shirt crushed with sweat and what looked like engine oil. He explained to me, after adjusting his glasses, that cars were banned. He wasn't mad at me for asking an apparently obvious question. He told me the upcoming action required that as much crude be saved and that the viaducts and underpasses were all light rails and that everyone pretty much took the light rails or biked where they needed to, but I didn't see a single bicycle or train car pass me while I spoke to him. He left. The city was a mess of design, but clean in the same way a beach is clean after a really bad windstorm. The whole thing was off putting. And then I woke up. No sign of other me. I think if I ever did see him I'd be roundly terrified. I hate talking about him. Any of them. They don't like being talked about behind their backs, but it's not fair because I'm always behind their backs until they show up and then I'm just fucked. I don't know.
Still haven't made the call. Still trying to land. Still no where to touch down if I wanted to. I've gone back to making necessary long term repairs. Things chance. Things change. There are times when things keep fucking up and keep fucking up and keep fucking up no matter what you do. And you know this because it is the same situation that you've approached two dozen different ways and it never ends up mattering by the time your bones hurt and your eyes are pools from finger bloodying attempt after attempt. And times like that force you into a position where the only agency you can really exercise is to fuck it up yourself. It is real. You can do it. It's the only way you'll ever be able to say you did something for yourself. I smashed in that fucking fender. All me. The only control you will be able to revel in is to decide where you want the hammer to touch down instead of letting someone else decide it for you. Something to revel in. Anything to revel in. To feel a part of the inside out and bizarre and upside down world you're in. If you live in a world of systematized counter productivity and human waste long enough, does the opposite become foreign? Absolutely.
I do believe from a civilization spanning viewpoint... well that just sounds cockneyed. Well probably not even cockneyed. Just stupidly grandiose. I do believe from the standpoint of socialization into the fabric of Americanisms that I am more or less feral. Defining feral as undomesticated and domestication as a state of obedient harmony with established standards and practices. But more on the nose I was raised like a dog. The more I think about, well I'm done thinking about, I've gone over the evidence internally through committee several times over and it's all there. I'm still learning to be American and person, but I feel like several of my key behaviors are kanine first and reasoning person second. I should probably make that call sometime. Trying to domesticate myself. To relate to people better. But the thing no one tells you about making sacrifices to relate to people is that none of it will ever matter if the people you are trying to relate to have no interest in rejoining your sweat for connection. Shove away then.
///The Cardigans - "Losers"
Clean with alcohol only. Do not attempt to replace blown fuses. Do not remove access panels. Return to certified mechanic for regular maintenance. Made in the USA.
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
9/12/10
Destroy Everything You Touch
A post of personal indulgence. I'm sorry. But in my life the above appears to hold true for the things that I value. It seems the closer I come to achieving them, the more vehement the destruction. I would say I hope to fix that, if it didn't get me off with the regularity of a perfectly engineered watch.
///Ladytron - "Destroy Everything You Touch"
Post Script. Today is an exceptional day in that I have decent internet access. You are blessed with a youtube video. I use the term ironically. Fuck you God, and thanks for the ever present dick in my ass. For the record, I am not happy about it. I hope I get into heaven just to be the fucking slacker in the back, smoking, pretending to sing, and writing open letters to political dissidents on the bathroom stall walls.
///Ladytron - "Destroy Everything You Touch"
Post Script. Today is an exceptional day in that I have decent internet access. You are blessed with a youtube video. I use the term ironically. Fuck you God, and thanks for the ever present dick in my ass. For the record, I am not happy about it. I hope I get into heaven just to be the fucking slacker in the back, smoking, pretending to sing, and writing open letters to political dissidents on the bathroom stall walls.
9/8/10
Predictive Power of the Bible, Religious Cunts, and Cowboy Coffee
Being the coffee addict I am today, I've been trying to figure out ways to cut costs from making coffee and ensure that I will never be in a situation where I can't drink coffee if said substance is available in absolutely any form. Having read Cormac McCarthy's Cities of the Plain I have ingested another serious dose of tough guy-dom the likes of which I haven't shot into my veins since I watched hard boiled noir where every ten minutes a cigarette was being rolled, a shot of whiskey downed, and a strong man got his lights put out with a "you'll find my appointment with your boss under 'screw you', sonny."
Which brings me to cowboy coffee. Easily on par with "badass things that will probably kill you" that I love, such as Marlboro Red 100s and high proof whiskey on rocks, is cowboy coffee. From what I've gathered from Cities of the Plain is that they don't use coffee filters at all. Or at least, they seem to have to throw out the last of their coffee pretty often because of left over grounds, and that got me to thinking that cow hands and outdoorsmen in general probably don't carry coffee filters out into the field. That's like throwing light bulbs in a ruck sack and somehow believing you'll make it to where you're going without breaking a single one. At least I think keeping coffee filters dry while being outside in the elements for weeks would be something akin to that kind of challenge. So it must be possible to drink coffee brewed from grounds with the grounds still in the water if you let them settle to the bottom of whatever you brewed it in. So that's what I've started doing. I've always liked the bitter bite of black as night coffee and I've found that throwing the grounds in a big ol' mug and brewing it straight in the mug and letting the grounds settle down to the bottom seems to work out just fine. Coffee filters are officially for pansies. Of course drinking it this way might turn my teeth black, but lets hope I have a job and never have to rely on the quality of my smile again long before that happens. Sure the last sips are grainy and if you swish the mug around too much it takes on the consistency of a snow globe full of pine chips, but if you've got a steady hand, and an iron gut, and like things like whiskey and Marlboro Reds and Ice grade beer, I highly recommend giving it a try.
Plus if you ever find that your co-workers have bought coffee grounds instead of instant coffee and stuck them in the common break room knowing full well that the only coffee machine in the entire god damn building is behind the key coded doors of the administrative wing where lowly salesman and customer service associates are not allowed, you can go ahead and make yourself a cup anyway. You may not come to work in a tie, or slacks, or a sport coat, but while they look at you from the corner of their eyes in the break room wondering if you're thinking about shanking them all with a hunting knife while you watch your mug spin around in the microwave and they try not to look directly at you and your cowboy coffee sitting at the table across from them, they'll know where the real power sits between them and you. And they'll know that the only thing keeping them on top of the darwinian bureaucratic food chain is a sheet of paper from a business school and an economy that says you have to play nice if you want to keep your freedom.
I am sick of religious cunts. I know you are too. That idiot who is organizing the book burning for the sole purpose of doing unto others is a cunt. A stupid, sad little man. All of the people who will take personal religion fueled offense to what he is organizing and proposing to do are cunts. In this case I am defining cunt as: reactionary imbecile far too pleased with causes to examine effects. Cunts love cunts and their relatinship simply sucks for everybody, especially when they get together for date nights. And for the last time, the Bible does not predict the future anymore than Nostradamus or that Chinese book whose name I can't remember. For every person who raises their child based on precedents set by the Bible, proclaiming it as the ultimate authority on human behavior, can I just say will you please stop reading and start listening to and learning about the human beings in your house that for better and worse have to rely on you for whatever reason. Stop holding up the Bible to life and looking for answers. Spoiler Alert: They're not in there. When you start holding up something you believe to be a map or a blueprint, but still attempt to find you're own way or allow free expression, guess what happens? If you answered "a shit load of self fulfilling prophecies" you answered correctly. If you answered "a shit load of pain and suffering for everyone who does not share your special insight from heaven" you also answered correctly.
Well, anyway, sorry I just had to let that go. I heard about someone being lectured about how their parents believe the Bible says the youngest child will do everything the older children did except ten times worse and so their parents sat them down and gave them an earful for things they've never done and never intend to do and the sheer ridiculousness of it all just pissed me off. If you spent half as much time taking an actual interest in your children as you did combing through the all knowing scriptures you might find that you actually had a family instead of a brood of complete strangers who don't talk to you because you've become a shell of a human being replaced by selected passages of a book that happened to be relevant to you as an adolescent that grew into a sick and warped crutch as you grew older and quietly refused to mature. I think I'll still write my own Bible, just to prove a point about the power of that kind of story telling. Maybe I'll save the project for my twilight years so I'll have a deeper catalog of crap to draw from and smear out into images that can applied to any and all ages that involve fallible people dealing with fallible people in a search for overarching meaning, an incorruptible truth, and the reason, their own tailored to fit reason, for being on this rock. Maybe that's what my life's work really is. I'll get back to you about that in 25 years when I'm on my death bed from smoking Reds and pounding cowboy coffee.
///DJ? Acucrack - "Thalidomide" Our defects are inherited from the ignorance of those that walked before us and are incorporated into our character. That's still no excuse. For bringing darkness instead of light. This song rolls and burns like staring directly into a halogen bulb till your brainstem goes numb with the over powering presence of particulate everything blowing your eyes to pieces. Only minus the permanent blindness.
Which brings me to cowboy coffee. Easily on par with "badass things that will probably kill you" that I love, such as Marlboro Red 100s and high proof whiskey on rocks, is cowboy coffee. From what I've gathered from Cities of the Plain is that they don't use coffee filters at all. Or at least, they seem to have to throw out the last of their coffee pretty often because of left over grounds, and that got me to thinking that cow hands and outdoorsmen in general probably don't carry coffee filters out into the field. That's like throwing light bulbs in a ruck sack and somehow believing you'll make it to where you're going without breaking a single one. At least I think keeping coffee filters dry while being outside in the elements for weeks would be something akin to that kind of challenge. So it must be possible to drink coffee brewed from grounds with the grounds still in the water if you let them settle to the bottom of whatever you brewed it in. So that's what I've started doing. I've always liked the bitter bite of black as night coffee and I've found that throwing the grounds in a big ol' mug and brewing it straight in the mug and letting the grounds settle down to the bottom seems to work out just fine. Coffee filters are officially for pansies. Of course drinking it this way might turn my teeth black, but lets hope I have a job and never have to rely on the quality of my smile again long before that happens. Sure the last sips are grainy and if you swish the mug around too much it takes on the consistency of a snow globe full of pine chips, but if you've got a steady hand, and an iron gut, and like things like whiskey and Marlboro Reds and Ice grade beer, I highly recommend giving it a try.
Plus if you ever find that your co-workers have bought coffee grounds instead of instant coffee and stuck them in the common break room knowing full well that the only coffee machine in the entire god damn building is behind the key coded doors of the administrative wing where lowly salesman and customer service associates are not allowed, you can go ahead and make yourself a cup anyway. You may not come to work in a tie, or slacks, or a sport coat, but while they look at you from the corner of their eyes in the break room wondering if you're thinking about shanking them all with a hunting knife while you watch your mug spin around in the microwave and they try not to look directly at you and your cowboy coffee sitting at the table across from them, they'll know where the real power sits between them and you. And they'll know that the only thing keeping them on top of the darwinian bureaucratic food chain is a sheet of paper from a business school and an economy that says you have to play nice if you want to keep your freedom.
I am sick of religious cunts. I know you are too. That idiot who is organizing the book burning for the sole purpose of doing unto others is a cunt. A stupid, sad little man. All of the people who will take personal religion fueled offense to what he is organizing and proposing to do are cunts. In this case I am defining cunt as: reactionary imbecile far too pleased with causes to examine effects. Cunts love cunts and their relatinship simply sucks for everybody, especially when they get together for date nights. And for the last time, the Bible does not predict the future anymore than Nostradamus or that Chinese book whose name I can't remember. For every person who raises their child based on precedents set by the Bible, proclaiming it as the ultimate authority on human behavior, can I just say will you please stop reading and start listening to and learning about the human beings in your house that for better and worse have to rely on you for whatever reason. Stop holding up the Bible to life and looking for answers. Spoiler Alert: They're not in there. When you start holding up something you believe to be a map or a blueprint, but still attempt to find you're own way or allow free expression, guess what happens? If you answered "a shit load of self fulfilling prophecies" you answered correctly. If you answered "a shit load of pain and suffering for everyone who does not share your special insight from heaven" you also answered correctly.
Well, anyway, sorry I just had to let that go. I heard about someone being lectured about how their parents believe the Bible says the youngest child will do everything the older children did except ten times worse and so their parents sat them down and gave them an earful for things they've never done and never intend to do and the sheer ridiculousness of it all just pissed me off. If you spent half as much time taking an actual interest in your children as you did combing through the all knowing scriptures you might find that you actually had a family instead of a brood of complete strangers who don't talk to you because you've become a shell of a human being replaced by selected passages of a book that happened to be relevant to you as an adolescent that grew into a sick and warped crutch as you grew older and quietly refused to mature. I think I'll still write my own Bible, just to prove a point about the power of that kind of story telling. Maybe I'll save the project for my twilight years so I'll have a deeper catalog of crap to draw from and smear out into images that can applied to any and all ages that involve fallible people dealing with fallible people in a search for overarching meaning, an incorruptible truth, and the reason, their own tailored to fit reason, for being on this rock. Maybe that's what my life's work really is. I'll get back to you about that in 25 years when I'm on my death bed from smoking Reds and pounding cowboy coffee.
///DJ? Acucrack - "Thalidomide" Our defects are inherited from the ignorance of those that walked before us and are incorporated into our character. That's still no excuse. For bringing darkness instead of light. This song rolls and burns like staring directly into a halogen bulb till your brainstem goes numb with the over powering presence of particulate everything blowing your eyes to pieces. Only minus the permanent blindness.
8/14/10
dear (______):
Dear Christians,
If you need Jesus to tell you to be a decent human being to be a decent human being, what you probably need is a psychiatrist, a life coach, and a month of self evaluation.
If you need Jesus to tell you to be a decent human being to be a decent human being, what you probably need is a psychiatrist, a life coach, and a month of self evaluation.
7/7/10
Ladies and gentleman, if you please, I have solved religion.
First thing, (I understand if you don't particularly care, but I have to do this so that I don't forget because this also doubles as my change log) I still plan to replace the red bits still hanging out in the post headers and down next to the tags. They are out of place in the new scheme and quite frankly my skills have grown beyond those first efforts and they're kind of tacky. Not to flatter myself too hard, but who the hell else is going to?
Second thing is this: I have solved why religion is so fiercely defended. I know right? It was so obvious, but I couldn't understand before why a particularly nasty and irrational person I knew was so entrenched in their beliefs. Why were they so inclined to condemn behavior in others that they performed on a regular basis? Why did everything they say start with "if they were Godly people"? Why did different words come out of either side of their mouth every single day and somehow manage to avoid internal conflict?
And then it hit me!
Religion to this person, or at least the particular "Christian" doctrine they adopted was basically a hodge podge of the most comfortable elements in the Christian as it related to them and how they framed the world around them. Their conversion, or anyone's conversion, has nothing to do with miracles, but before I fly off to hell on a thunderbolt and a plume of fire and brimstone and "much gnashing of teeth" or however it goes, hear me out.
As much as the people who believe they're just fine treating people with respect and treating strangers with kindness and compassion and charitably is as much as some Christians say they are simply picking and choosing Jesus's nicer words and they are, apparently going to burn for it. Look a little bit closer at these nay sayers of congeniality and you can see them perpetrating the same behaviors, however with greater subtlety, and often not even that. That's when I realized every single person who has had some "religious" awakening wasn't suddenly seeing THE light. They were seeing A light.
What they would count as religion changing them is really them finally realizing what their ground state of being was. Basically: realizing who they already were. The reason why people defend religions to the death is because religion allows them to defend who they are. The guy who wants to go kill Muslims for Jesus says he is doing it for Jesus, but in his mind, maybe his subconscious mind, maybe not that deeply repressed, he is doing it because it is what he as a person wants to do. Jesus simply gives him an out. Even the people who "suffer" for their faith aren't really suffering for their faith. They are suffering because they've realized the kind of people they want to be and they are pursuing that being the same way a man who wants to smoke a cigarette smokes or a person who enjoys rock climbing goes and climbs rocks. For some of these people penance has intrinsic value in their lives because they want to be held accountable. They want to be rewarded with pain because the pain lends them meaning every Sunday.
Religion is like an old comfortable boot. You put it on and you wear it because it's comfortable to you. That's all. If you think as a husband you should be paid tribute by your wife and kids and they should wait on you hand and foot and defer to you at all times even though legislation in America has essentially made everyone equals, you'll adopt a framework that allows you to live that way. If someone brings you "God's" word and it says the man is awesome and women are second class and should do whatever you tell them to, you'll be on that wagon in no time flat. Do you have to confess Jesus as a savior? Small price to pay for total dominance, don't you think? So spout some nonsense and swear up and down by the ridiculous things you don't actually believe because what you're paying for is the peace of mind of knowing that you are justified in the things that matter to who you are as a person. It cuts the same way for other things too, but most glaringly within religion.
So, what else is new?
This:
The above is going to be the main thematic element in the hateitalready.blogspot.com site I'm planning. I thought to myself, "no one wants to read a blog that spends the entire time ragging on other things, especially things that some people really do like." It would be the same as being a forum troll except condensed to one black singularity of curmudgeonly voice. So, I have revamped the idea and I'm going to put a humorous spin on it to make it much more digestable. If there's one thing I learned from watching movies as a kid it was that a spoon full of sugar is fuggin tasty and will allow you to fly umbrellas when the wind is just right, and I intend to take that knowledge straight to the bank.
///Mathew Dear - "R + S"Tonight we'll ride and find gold in their eyes. It shines so bright. I must have it.
Second thing is this: I have solved why religion is so fiercely defended. I know right? It was so obvious, but I couldn't understand before why a particularly nasty and irrational person I knew was so entrenched in their beliefs. Why were they so inclined to condemn behavior in others that they performed on a regular basis? Why did everything they say start with "if they were Godly people"? Why did different words come out of either side of their mouth every single day and somehow manage to avoid internal conflict?
And then it hit me!
Religion to this person, or at least the particular "Christian" doctrine they adopted was basically a hodge podge of the most comfortable elements in the Christian as it related to them and how they framed the world around them. Their conversion, or anyone's conversion, has nothing to do with miracles, but before I fly off to hell on a thunderbolt and a plume of fire and brimstone and "much gnashing of teeth" or however it goes, hear me out.
As much as the people who believe they're just fine treating people with respect and treating strangers with kindness and compassion and charitably is as much as some Christians say they are simply picking and choosing Jesus's nicer words and they are, apparently going to burn for it. Look a little bit closer at these nay sayers of congeniality and you can see them perpetrating the same behaviors, however with greater subtlety, and often not even that. That's when I realized every single person who has had some "religious" awakening wasn't suddenly seeing THE light. They were seeing A light.
What they would count as religion changing them is really them finally realizing what their ground state of being was. Basically: realizing who they already were. The reason why people defend religions to the death is because religion allows them to defend who they are. The guy who wants to go kill Muslims for Jesus says he is doing it for Jesus, but in his mind, maybe his subconscious mind, maybe not that deeply repressed, he is doing it because it is what he as a person wants to do. Jesus simply gives him an out. Even the people who "suffer" for their faith aren't really suffering for their faith. They are suffering because they've realized the kind of people they want to be and they are pursuing that being the same way a man who wants to smoke a cigarette smokes or a person who enjoys rock climbing goes and climbs rocks. For some of these people penance has intrinsic value in their lives because they want to be held accountable. They want to be rewarded with pain because the pain lends them meaning every Sunday.
Religion is like an old comfortable boot. You put it on and you wear it because it's comfortable to you. That's all. If you think as a husband you should be paid tribute by your wife and kids and they should wait on you hand and foot and defer to you at all times even though legislation in America has essentially made everyone equals, you'll adopt a framework that allows you to live that way. If someone brings you "God's" word and it says the man is awesome and women are second class and should do whatever you tell them to, you'll be on that wagon in no time flat. Do you have to confess Jesus as a savior? Small price to pay for total dominance, don't you think? So spout some nonsense and swear up and down by the ridiculous things you don't actually believe because what you're paying for is the peace of mind of knowing that you are justified in the things that matter to who you are as a person. It cuts the same way for other things too, but most glaringly within religion.
So, what else is new?
This:
The above is going to be the main thematic element in the hateitalready.blogspot.com site I'm planning. I thought to myself, "no one wants to read a blog that spends the entire time ragging on other things, especially things that some people really do like." It would be the same as being a forum troll except condensed to one black singularity of curmudgeonly voice. So, I have revamped the idea and I'm going to put a humorous spin on it to make it much more digestable. If there's one thing I learned from watching movies as a kid it was that a spoon full of sugar is fuggin tasty and will allow you to fly umbrellas when the wind is just right, and I intend to take that knowledge straight to the bank.
///Mathew Dear - "R + S"Tonight we'll ride and find gold in their eyes. It shines so bright. I must have it.
8/20/09
you know what's weird
masturbating and having old bible hymns come to mind while youre doing it. thats whats weird. that and sex toys for guys. that and reviews for sex toys for guys... reviews that say things like "oh my god, my husband loves this, he cums in minutes." no offense to that guy, but sticking my member in a plastic sock with nubs on the inside dont zactly feel da same as that other thing i like to do... let alone using my hands. well... that and a pill for women to make them want to have sex more. does that count as date rape if you drug someone with a pill to make them want to have sex? is this a surprised rabbit !! or is it two exclamation points next to a quizzical rabbit !! ?? i mean if someone wants to have drinks to loosen up isnt it just better to skip the hangover give them a pill rolled up in a piece of cheese take them home and wait for them to turn on like a light switch? like a clap on. minus the clap. and clapping. maybe slapping. probably slapping. of hands. well thats fucking weird. that and religion. makes no sense. how is it that religious discussion seems to be on the reverse side of sexual discussion. religion is masturbation for the soul. masturbation is religion for the heart. and worship is just stupidity and insecurity rolled up into a tidy package called faith.
thats whats weird.
///yeong wook jo - "farewell, my lovely" i wish yeong would work for free so i could have him orchestrate the irreversible and gut twisting moments in my life. the man has an ear for beauty like you can only find in a family photo album that has pictures of you before you found out that not everyone's parents beat them hard enough to miss school.
thats whats weird.
///yeong wook jo - "farewell, my lovely" i wish yeong would work for free so i could have him orchestrate the irreversible and gut twisting moments in my life. the man has an ear for beauty like you can only find in a family photo album that has pictures of you before you found out that not everyone's parents beat them hard enough to miss school.
11/15/07
even jesus had mental problems 11/15/07
Subject : even jesus had mental problems
Posted Date: : Nov 15, 2007 7:47 PM
i mean, come on. with the amount of pressure he was under he would have had to have something coming loose in his all knowing brain. maybe he was ocd. maybe he could only put on his sandals at the same exact time or he would have to spin around five times and do a sommersault backwards before he could attept it again. maybe he was a cutter. maybe he was a total jerk to himself in private. he obviously heard voices... i mean, seriously... was he a fucked up dude with a lot of charisma, or wasn't he?
i know i am kind of screwed up in the head and i also know i have some charisma, but that doesnt make me jesus. that makes me committed again. i got 301'd for the second time in my life. not fun. i was in the lock up for about 9 days, maybe 10 if you count the day they held me in the lobby for observation. it sucked. they take away your clothes, they strip search you, they take away everything of value to you and leave you with nothing but a pair of socks, a frock, and if you're lucky, pants. i had to wait three days for a pair of pants. everytime i go to the mental clink i learn something new about myself though. it was a trip i'd been running from and putting off for quite some time, but now that i've been through it again i can see that from the outset it was bound to happen and should have happend sooner. the last thing i want is to be branded "a threat to the community at large" again.
so what now.... new meds... new outlook... new job hours... new everything. if only life was easy to reset all the time. i've also decided im going to take a year off between bachelors and masters degrees just so that i can bask in having no homework and nothing academic to crack my head open for a while. itll be nice to focus on studying for gre's, learning a language, and planning my eventual escape to spain. thats right. spain. i plan on leaving this country for spain forever because im tired of it hear. i am totally serious. i am so serious i would not bet against myself. i will sware on my mother's eventual grave. thats how serious i am. i am serious sam. and i love spain even though ive never been. i honestly dont feel tied to this country at all. bleh. ah well.
thats it for now. ive explained my absence yet again... one of the themes of my life... and so im out, again. but ill be back to write some more. probably about the quality of life in spain and the general mulletry witnessed there by my girlfriend. also maybe some commentary promoting the mulleted life style in general. it obviously cant be all bad if an entire population of a city does it. right? HAHAHHA wrong jerk face. but seriously. more of that to come.
///the flaming lips - "the W.A.N.D." a tune i discovered in my library after owning it forever. I think i must have acquired it almost two years ago and just never listened to it till i heard it on an HP inspiron commercial. which is embarassing... or funny... i dunno. when you think of yourself as something of a musical afficionado things like that scratch your back in the wrong way, but the end result is a good feeling so you can't complain too much without sounding like a douche. k. bye.
Posted Date: : Nov 15, 2007 7:47 PM
i mean, come on. with the amount of pressure he was under he would have had to have something coming loose in his all knowing brain. maybe he was ocd. maybe he could only put on his sandals at the same exact time or he would have to spin around five times and do a sommersault backwards before he could attept it again. maybe he was a cutter. maybe he was a total jerk to himself in private. he obviously heard voices... i mean, seriously... was he a fucked up dude with a lot of charisma, or wasn't he?
i know i am kind of screwed up in the head and i also know i have some charisma, but that doesnt make me jesus. that makes me committed again. i got 301'd for the second time in my life. not fun. i was in the lock up for about 9 days, maybe 10 if you count the day they held me in the lobby for observation. it sucked. they take away your clothes, they strip search you, they take away everything of value to you and leave you with nothing but a pair of socks, a frock, and if you're lucky, pants. i had to wait three days for a pair of pants. everytime i go to the mental clink i learn something new about myself though. it was a trip i'd been running from and putting off for quite some time, but now that i've been through it again i can see that from the outset it was bound to happen and should have happend sooner. the last thing i want is to be branded "a threat to the community at large" again.
so what now.... new meds... new outlook... new job hours... new everything. if only life was easy to reset all the time. i've also decided im going to take a year off between bachelors and masters degrees just so that i can bask in having no homework and nothing academic to crack my head open for a while. itll be nice to focus on studying for gre's, learning a language, and planning my eventual escape to spain. thats right. spain. i plan on leaving this country for spain forever because im tired of it hear. i am totally serious. i am so serious i would not bet against myself. i will sware on my mother's eventual grave. thats how serious i am. i am serious sam. and i love spain even though ive never been. i honestly dont feel tied to this country at all. bleh. ah well.
thats it for now. ive explained my absence yet again... one of the themes of my life... and so im out, again. but ill be back to write some more. probably about the quality of life in spain and the general mulletry witnessed there by my girlfriend. also maybe some commentary promoting the mulleted life style in general. it obviously cant be all bad if an entire population of a city does it. right? HAHAHHA wrong jerk face. but seriously. more of that to come.
///the flaming lips - "the W.A.N.D." a tune i discovered in my library after owning it forever. I think i must have acquired it almost two years ago and just never listened to it till i heard it on an HP inspiron commercial. which is embarassing... or funny... i dunno. when you think of yourself as something of a musical afficionado things like that scratch your back in the wrong way, but the end result is a good feeling so you can't complain too much without sounding like a douche. k. bye.
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