Dear (______)

Dear Santa,

I know we've been at odds over the last several years.  It's almost going on a dozen.  I don't hate you and you don't hate me.  I remember that year that I wished for only obtainable shiz.  I remember that other year that I only wished for very specific and obtainable shiiii... and I got what I wished for.  I'm back to setting my bars high.  I hope you're back to singing in four four/

Boiling it down:  I will not.  That's all.  There's no second part to it.  As close as we will get.





///what ive been waiting for all years

Undo Button

You've heard it before.  For this and that.  How about, after 30, you get to hit undo on one impossible to fix character trait?  Just one and it has to be something long established and impossible to undo because it is so far ingrained into the base mechanics of your brain functioning that trying to eradicate it will destroy layers upon layers upon layers of other vital systems and courses and circuitry that are highly desirable.

Consider it an inoperable cancer.  Because that is exactly what it is.  It will be the death of you and you cannot live without its growth.  Its eradication will mean your own extinction as well.  It will die when you do.  That.

If I had an undo button I would use it on my rage and aggression.  The seeds were planted and nursed to seedlings in youth.  Agitated and metastasized through adolescence and bloomed through young adulthood.  Now the tree of might grows in my yard constantly and every season I have to go in and clean up all the rotting stuff that falls.  Stare at them ripening knowing the best way to take care of it is to wait for it to fall.  Knowing I have to, must to, gots to, wait it out and tend to it and if it dies it will only be because my heart stopped too.  @#$% you, tree.  Well after my father dies, I will still have that tree peering in my windows.  Shadowing my kids while they play, picking up bats and swatting the little things every fall.  Kicking them around.  Wondering what they are and if they're edible.  Tasting them anyway.

Myself watching them, if they ever do land.  Firing cusses at him.  My kids will think that tree was always there, because that's all they'll ever have known.  "Doesn't everyone have a rage tree?"  "Why don't you cut it down?  The yard would be so much better without it."  I know.  I know.

I want an undo button for that.  The schizophrenia, the paranoia, the anxiety, depression, mania, twin poles, I can deal with those fairly effectively except when I don't.  The absolute rage is the hardest to bridle and if you screw it up people disappear and then so do you.  Forever.  I can't afford to make that mistake again.   Ever.

Cheeseburger (and the origins)

The cheeseburger.  The curse of curses.  Cheeseburger!  Cheeseburger!  Cheeseburger!  To invoke the cheeseburger three times in a row is to call down all of the thunderbolts of heaven and bring ruin to your foe, and also to yourself, because the Cheeseburger fallout is too long lived and too deadly to dissipate with any amount of speed.  The Cheeseburger is not to be toyed with, not to be thought of, not to be spoken of, under any circumstances and is the last resort of the desparate, the dying, and the backstabber.

The cheeseburger, in and of itself, is a fairly innocent and delicious thing.  However, in it's delicious simplicity it also signifies missing the mark.  It is much easier to screw up what you're trying to achieve, or miss the mark, or any other failure.  It's easy to fail (most of the time).  And when you do you can relax, because you hung it up and won at failing, which has a much higher success rate than succeeding.  You stuffed your face with a Cheeseburger, and it was delicious.  More than that,

the guy in Popeye would always pay Tuesday for a hamburger today.  The term comes primarily from dart games.  When you miss one and then two and then know you're going to miss three and as you walk up to the board you pull the darts out and one thought dominates: I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a mark today.   Cheeseburger!  Cheeseburger!  And that's not all.  A person can Cheeseburger.  A person can also be Cheeseburgered.  Often times the Cheeseburger will be invoked by a sworn enemy or opponent as you are shooting.  At that moment you have been Cheeseburgered.  The Cheeseburger will take over your mind and destroy your shot at success.

Some do succeed, despite the Cheeseburger in the room.  Never for long.  Do not mess with the Cheeseburger.  It will end whatever it touches.