When I see you. When I see myself with you. I wonder: what does he have that I do not.
I see that he has a several few things. A successful family and a family that communicates with itself. A family that loves and is open. Brothers and sisters that can get along. And then I look at myself.
A family with a brother that can get along with one sister. A sister foreign. Another brother that is foreign. Extended family that is all strangers.
I ask myself what I actually have to offer and the answer is pretty stark. Pretty stark and pretty pretty in it's own way. Pretty pretty in it's own way, but damn near not the same.
What do you want to be associated with? By definition, that.
I ask myself every day.
I tell myself 'nough said.
I hate myself more and love myself more.
I ask myself what do I need to do more to be more accessible and then I ask myself what I need to do to be more of a person. I have no idea. In all consuming rage everything makes sense. I think we were working around that. No?
The rage tank is deep and has many chambers. We will explore them soon.
Clean with alcohol only. Do not attempt to replace blown fuses. Do not remove access panels. Return to certified mechanic for regular maintenance. Made in the USA.
Showing posts with label sickness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sickness. Show all posts
10/16/15
2/9/14
Uncle Scar's Cross Dimensional Fortress
There are days of dread in trying to cross the bridge into dreamland. Days when I've convinced myself everything will stay stable if I keep my eyes open. Days when I'm afraid of putting on clothing, because once it's on, it cannot be turned off.
Some nights you just gotta take that slow breath and put on the helmet and close your eyes and wait for the assault craft to crash into the beach. From the second the floor rumbles and rattles your teeth upon landfall to the instant the long range weapons open up is sleep. In those moments, that very long blink, listening to the engines hum and forgetting where you are and where you're going, worlds congeal. Cities twine together like muscles sliding over bones and lives burn into being like veins inside. And then it all blows apart in the morning. Crying face down and screaming and laughing at the same time.
Sometimes the most satisfying minutes are those early ones where the tears on cheeks are dried by the heat of combat and flames run high and blood runs. They're the minutes where you know you know what you know and you know whatever happens next could be the next that changes everything. I do not want that. I think there are times people mistake free wheeling for extremely extensively planned. The back up to the back up back up back up plan allows for flexibility that mimics carelessness. Walk with the wind on your mind.
I think I'm done trying to be funny. It never comes off right. Days of dread. Open your eyes. No. I've been mapping fantasy time lines across several sheets of paper and now there are twelve of them taped end to end. There were twelve of them. I got extremely upset about the inefficiency of the entire exercise and tore it apart. And now there's packing tape everywhere packing tape need not be and a severe longing for a time machine to undo what I did because I did not take the time to think, the time to breath, before I took action. To die with rage instead of rage is a win.
At some point the alarm goes off that the amount of blood you are losing will have a stiff impact on your ability to continue effective consciousness. I suppose it was a bit disappointing to have someone I did not know all that well recommend something to me with the caveat "...if you like huffing you will love...". Irregularities. An overwhelming desire to remain on schedule. I will follow you down. Any deviation is unacceptable.
Protection is invaluable and hard to come by and harder still to compromise for any reason, but compromise is necessary and not without it's own value too. We need to get back on mission. An operation unto itself. Obstacles have been attacked and sent down and the path is clearing to make a good run at the main objective and it feels good. It feels really damn good. What are all of those jars of piss for? If I knew, they would be used already! And frankly I do not appreciate the line of questioning.
Come play with us, Arthur. That is not my name. That is not my name. That is not my name! Stop calling me! I do not know who that is! We match, don't we? Leave me the hell alone. I need a whetstone. Who doesn't? I've been dying to put together a new theme tailor made to what I want to see and what I want others to see when they come here. Sometimes we're struck unexpected again with the death of a friend. I did not know him that well. Am I wrong to be violently upset about it? Years removed.
Sometimes I weigh how well or poorly my brothers and sisters know me. The now me. The today me. Oddly enough, my brother in law may know me better than them. It's difficult to contemplate. Processing and it comes back not a number. What do I actually know, though at the mouth of the bridge. Do it for you. I will get it working. I have to. Back up back up plans fly well at the interface and through interstice, but nearer toward the core they blow apart like tissue paper origami in a squall. Get it right. No will do, can do. You're having a hard time, aren't you. Nope, just downloading the patch. The short that makes the radio turn on without having to turn the key because the battery is still good.
No gods, no kings, no high down, and for christ's sake no god damn rings. Especially pinky rings. Boosters on. It is not me you have to worry about, it is the rest of me. We have done life by committee pretty satisfactorily going on a decade and a half. I see no reason to make sweeping changes just yet. Obviously at some point we will run into the person, faced up, who does not get the joke, but deal with that when it arrives. And by deal with that I mean make extensive back up plans now.
I am still going to make music this year. We cannot not do it. It has been too long already. "...We're only in the first few minutes of the first of January..." we'll evolve. Walk with the wind on your mind. Let go. Open the gate. Do not be afraid to walk with the wind on your mind because you are not alone.
///Underworld - "Second Hand" gear up. slingshot around the sun.
Some nights you just gotta take that slow breath and put on the helmet and close your eyes and wait for the assault craft to crash into the beach. From the second the floor rumbles and rattles your teeth upon landfall to the instant the long range weapons open up is sleep. In those moments, that very long blink, listening to the engines hum and forgetting where you are and where you're going, worlds congeal. Cities twine together like muscles sliding over bones and lives burn into being like veins inside. And then it all blows apart in the morning. Crying face down and screaming and laughing at the same time.
Sometimes the most satisfying minutes are those early ones where the tears on cheeks are dried by the heat of combat and flames run high and blood runs. They're the minutes where you know you know what you know and you know whatever happens next could be the next that changes everything. I do not want that. I think there are times people mistake free wheeling for extremely extensively planned. The back up to the back up back up back up plan allows for flexibility that mimics carelessness. Walk with the wind on your mind.
I think I'm done trying to be funny. It never comes off right. Days of dread. Open your eyes. No. I've been mapping fantasy time lines across several sheets of paper and now there are twelve of them taped end to end. There were twelve of them. I got extremely upset about the inefficiency of the entire exercise and tore it apart. And now there's packing tape everywhere packing tape need not be and a severe longing for a time machine to undo what I did because I did not take the time to think, the time to breath, before I took action. To die with rage instead of rage is a win.
At some point the alarm goes off that the amount of blood you are losing will have a stiff impact on your ability to continue effective consciousness. I suppose it was a bit disappointing to have someone I did not know all that well recommend something to me with the caveat "...if you like huffing you will love...". Irregularities. An overwhelming desire to remain on schedule. I will follow you down. Any deviation is unacceptable.
Protection is invaluable and hard to come by and harder still to compromise for any reason, but compromise is necessary and not without it's own value too. We need to get back on mission. An operation unto itself. Obstacles have been attacked and sent down and the path is clearing to make a good run at the main objective and it feels good. It feels really damn good. What are all of those jars of piss for? If I knew, they would be used already! And frankly I do not appreciate the line of questioning.
Come play with us, Arthur. That is not my name. That is not my name. That is not my name! Stop calling me! I do not know who that is! We match, don't we? Leave me the hell alone. I need a whetstone. Who doesn't? I've been dying to put together a new theme tailor made to what I want to see and what I want others to see when they come here. Sometimes we're struck unexpected again with the death of a friend. I did not know him that well. Am I wrong to be violently upset about it? Years removed.
Sometimes I weigh how well or poorly my brothers and sisters know me. The now me. The today me. Oddly enough, my brother in law may know me better than them. It's difficult to contemplate. Processing and it comes back not a number. What do I actually know, though at the mouth of the bridge. Do it for you. I will get it working. I have to. Back up back up plans fly well at the interface and through interstice, but nearer toward the core they blow apart like tissue paper origami in a squall. Get it right. No will do, can do. You're having a hard time, aren't you. Nope, just downloading the patch. The short that makes the radio turn on without having to turn the key because the battery is still good.
No gods, no kings, no high down, and for christ's sake no god damn rings. Especially pinky rings. Boosters on. It is not me you have to worry about, it is the rest of me. We have done life by committee pretty satisfactorily going on a decade and a half. I see no reason to make sweeping changes just yet. Obviously at some point we will run into the person, faced up, who does not get the joke, but deal with that when it arrives. And by deal with that I mean make extensive back up plans now.
I am still going to make music this year. We cannot not do it. It has been too long already. "...We're only in the first few minutes of the first of January..." we'll evolve. Walk with the wind on your mind. Let go. Open the gate. Do not be afraid to walk with the wind on your mind because you are not alone.
///Underworld - "Second Hand" gear up. slingshot around the sun.
5/27/07
stop putting tae diggs in movies 05/27/07
Subject : stop putting tae diggs in movies
Posted Date: : May 27, 2007 3:50 AM
i dont even know if his name actually is tae diggs. all i know is he's been the token black anti-hero on more tent-pole pics than i can count on one hand. the other problem is that i know he's been in more movies that i just cant remember in their entireity because they were too shitty to stick. all i have are commercial clips with indistinct hip hop and that ominous movie dude voice going.
he's a terrible actor. he's worse than jamie foxx was when he did his first movie. worse than snoop dogg in the movie about black vampires. worse than the voice acting in american anime. worse than a grilled cheese sandwich made with powdered parmesian and olive oil.... worse than the fucking godzilla versus king kong dvd i bought for 2.50 a couple weeks ago. if anyone is paying this person anything it should be dirty kleenexes with sad faces on it used to wipe the asses of people in retirement homes. he should be paying the industry... or at least be forced to do a thousand hours of community service for every half million a movie makes that he even shows his face in. i hate his acting.
on another note. i just stopped being sick today. it was pretty strange. it started off almost a week ago with a sore throat that turned into a completely raw throat featuring spitting up blood and other unmentionable etceteras (bastardised i know, but i dont care that much). then a fever kicked in a few days ago that kept rising until this morning, ending at the wonderfully heady peak of 102 degrees centaheit. and then i coughed up a pair of jagged grape sized wads of blood and my raw throat suddenly downgraded to a sore throat. a lot less blood in the spit. which is nice. i still wonder what those jagged things were but i havent developed the stomach to go poking around my wastebasket for them... let alone disecting them. i just hope they dont hatch into something. that would be gross as ... something really stomach turning. im probably going to have nightmares about that. ah well.
Posted Date: : May 27, 2007 3:50 AM
i dont even know if his name actually is tae diggs. all i know is he's been the token black anti-hero on more tent-pole pics than i can count on one hand. the other problem is that i know he's been in more movies that i just cant remember in their entireity because they were too shitty to stick. all i have are commercial clips with indistinct hip hop and that ominous movie dude voice going.
he's a terrible actor. he's worse than jamie foxx was when he did his first movie. worse than snoop dogg in the movie about black vampires. worse than the voice acting in american anime. worse than a grilled cheese sandwich made with powdered parmesian and olive oil.... worse than the fucking godzilla versus king kong dvd i bought for 2.50 a couple weeks ago. if anyone is paying this person anything it should be dirty kleenexes with sad faces on it used to wipe the asses of people in retirement homes. he should be paying the industry... or at least be forced to do a thousand hours of community service for every half million a movie makes that he even shows his face in. i hate his acting.
on another note. i just stopped being sick today. it was pretty strange. it started off almost a week ago with a sore throat that turned into a completely raw throat featuring spitting up blood and other unmentionable etceteras (bastardised i know, but i dont care that much). then a fever kicked in a few days ago that kept rising until this morning, ending at the wonderfully heady peak of 102 degrees centaheit. and then i coughed up a pair of jagged grape sized wads of blood and my raw throat suddenly downgraded to a sore throat. a lot less blood in the spit. which is nice. i still wonder what those jagged things were but i havent developed the stomach to go poking around my wastebasket for them... let alone disecting them. i just hope they dont hatch into something. that would be gross as ... something really stomach turning. im probably going to have nightmares about that. ah well.
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