buddy cops & jewish comedy

are awful movies. Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Suuucked. you mean to tell me first of all, that her noodle arms can do half of the things shes supposed to be doing? accurately? repeatedly? i mean come on. the world of pornography tells me that most girls with arms that fucking anemic cant finish off a hand job single handedly... let alone finish off a cock thats been warmed over by 45 minutes of bed breaking sex (not that that actually happens in the real world unless you do a few lines of body numbing coke first). i mean really? legs that thin couldnt carry that kind of body armor on that body for more than five minutes unless it was being carried in a shopping cart.

not to bash on the lady action heroes but bitches is runnin wild. makes no sense. okay fine, the human body is an amazing thing. ill grant you that. pain tolerance through the roof, sure, that too, who cares. i think guys and girls probably bear up the same under duress in combat situations anyway. id probably rather give birth than have my knees blown out with a .45 or have a bomb blast shatter the bones in my legs. fine. doing flips and shit... okay. ive seen the olympics. its doable. buuuut not with that body. maybe like venus williams body. or some other ridiculously jacked (for a girl) body.

"but the guys arent totally jacked, waah youre full of shit..." am i? have you watched professional combat anything. sure there are hyper jacked dudes, but most of them arent ridiculously cut from marble or anything like that. so i could understand the guys doing similar things without an eye popping amount of muscle. but most importantly, inevitably, we run into the head shot problem in these movies. dumb one liners are unavoidable. always have been in any buddy cop movie... but in the guy girl variety they come with that special blend of "buut shes a girl... she cant shoot guns or do guy stuff" tom hanks pitched humor delivered with the subtlety of SNL. but the head shot problem. youd think someone... anyone would get lucky. i went shooting for the first time and yeah i used maybe 30-ish rounds... maybe 40... but i still got 5 maybe 6 bullseye. just pulled em right out of my ass. my eyes were completely closed cuz shooting was just that jarring and i kept flinching... but still thats about a 6% head shot rate... by accident. if these goons are firing off hundreds of rounds every MINUTE someone should be able to hit jolees apple head at least once. by accident. and if not her head than somewhere on her unprotected paper thin frame.

and am i to believe that .... whatever. losing interest. as we type. greenberg is gonna suck too. another sad jewish guy just cant find happiness in life because he hates everything. awkward relationship jokes, go. awkward past relationship jokes, go. cue every single woody allen flick meets every single adam sandler flick meets ben stiller getting old and contemplative meets .... i dunno.... meets a donkey dressed as a mule out on the town looking for some hot horse poonanny. is that how you spell that... poonanny. doesnt look right. looks gross. poo does not belong in that word. greenberg does not belong in this world. if jolie died today i bet the retrospective would be enough to make every single one of her million children committ suicide courtesy the angry hands of brad pitt. OR ... tila tequila will ... i dunno... insert something completely asinine and repugnant. burn.... all of them... what if there was a car accident involving those two. i dont think id be sad at all. but then i wonder .... well i dont suppose i wonder... i know someone is probably thinking that in my direction.

lethal weapon is the gold standard for buddy cop action/drama films and has yet to be dethroned. 1,3,2,4 in that order. closest runner up? the first die hard. second runner up? fuck if i know. they all blend together after that. oohhh wait... rush hour. forgot about them boys. new order.... LW1, DH1, LW3, rush hour, LW4, beverly hills cop1, LW2, RH2, the naked gun. that is all.

every time two hate filled thoughts butt heads another child is born. also every time two club rats meet face to face. thats why they only talk directly to each other via bathroom mirrors. its a service to humanity. im not going to have kids. as a service to humanity. i will fuck them up for life if i do.

///aesop rock - "gun for the whole family" clap clap encore.it sucks when some mc s are considered too cerebral to make club music. no wait... thats awesome. or... hmmm im not sure where that thought started. well its a great song that is in my opinion about the mores and quirks of violence in societies, specifically ours. and i do so love the medium i was brought up in.

bearded ladies dont shave 06/12/06

Subject : Bearded Ladies Dont Shave
Posted Date: : Jun 12, 2006 8:00 AM



and neither do i. i mean, come on! im a guy. im entitled to my patchy beard, by virtue of having testicles and a wang. if a bearded lady is entitled to keep her beard and not even get a sideways comment like... "why dont you shave" (obviously she is okay with her facial hair) then why should i?

so there. bleh. on another note... i hate my nose in one of my pictures so im deleting it. even bearded ladies have their bad photo days.

everyone and their mama 11/07/05

Subject : everyone and their mama has a six pack

Posted Date: : Nov 7, 2005 10:08 PM

everyone and their mama has a six pack. Yes. Thats right. Absolutely everyone on myspace and their mother has a six pack. If your picture features you with no shirt on while you "floss" your hot six you are essentially saying "this is all i have to offer the rest of the world" please love me. Do you really think your 320 by 480 pixel image of six lumps on your body will make everyone say... "holy shit this dude is awesome, i wish i could be his friend in real life. ill just have to friend him and leave comments as though ive known him since he was born." ... well i guess if you are posting images of your rippling bod this is probably exactly what youre hoping for. confirmation.

So now you know. Your six parcel does not set you apart from the rest of the males. it does not tatoo an alpha on the side of your neck that will suddenly make panties fly down the toned tanned limbs of the honies. in fact everyone has got them. at least everyone who cares. I don;t have one and i dont care. i barely have a four pack and i'll tell you what, its awesome. no maintenance. i eat what i want and drink what i want and enjoy life without the insecurity of narcissism plucking out my eyelashes one by one as i lose sleep wondering if the ho ho i had for lunch is going to coalesce into a gram of fat particles.

instead of pumping iron in the gym with the other roid head protein (shake) guzzlers or beating myself half dead around a track i sit comfortably at home playing video games and shagging my wonderful wonderful lady. who is smoking hot.

earth to slater, a recent poll actually pointed out that more "attractive" women enjoy dating men who look like men. just regular guys. who wear dirty sweatpants, grow beards, and have little egg bellies. i mean, even if someone did go out with you for your sextuplets what is going to happen when they fade away in the deluge of beer, partying, and sedentary bf/gf life? i suppose to someone like you it probably doesnt matter, shallow hal that you are, it's too bad you haven't been beaten upside the head to adjust your view of everyone and everything that may happen to have breasts and a vagina.

oh well. go, mr. six pack picture. go to the gym and to the track and take pictures of yourself with your web cam for myspace when you get back, but don't dally or the sweat may dry off, and we all know how important that lustrous sheen is when dazzling your lesser viewers. in your mind you are god and well, i applaud you, because one day you're going to stare up at the cracked plaster of your bachelor pad with some myspacer slut lieing next to you that you "scored" with (but not really because she was the one who made all the connections and did all the work and will forget about you before the sun comes up while you will reminisce to your home skillets about how you really gave it to her for weeks upon weeks to come) and you will realize she probably did this to the other 9000 "cool dudes" who messaged her after she left comments on their six pack of "hot" abdominal pictures.

Mr. six pack... i salute you! king of the man bimbos.

the only six packs i care about carrying are the ones that come with aluminum tabs and are bound together in plastic ring caddies. =count it!=