w33d and all things g00d 12/31/05

Subject : w33d and all things g00d
Posted Date: : Dec 31, 2005 1:28 AM

the romance of the plant continues like a salty porn novel. i dont need it. by no means do i actually need anything to feel good about myself. Im already exploding with more confidence than a penis in a vacuum cleaner hose. the connection to the plant goes deeper to a more sensitive area of my brain than simple confidence. the plant touches my emotions like a muse. a muse of warm confusion.

even if im not able to become a writer and my back up plan of being a high paid professional counter culture male "escort" fails i will still have the plant to romance me in the hard times. i may have to move out of the country to get it cheaper, but for my green lady it would be worth it.

in the best case scenario she'll be my one in a moon mistress and will hopefully complete a sweet threesome with me and my girl friend completing the other two points of the love triangle.

they say all good things come to an end, but we'll just have to wait and see. what no one ever talks about is what happens when the good things end... and having thought about it, i really dont care as long as there is something - someone to see/do on the other side - when "all the good things come to an end" i at least hope there will be someone around who has the means to roll a fucking ridiculous joint and that someone has space in their cipher for me.

lifetime voyeur 12/23/05

Subject : lifetime voyeur

Posted Date: : Dec 23, 2005 12:06 AM

everyone has their "perverted" side. right? well maybe not. Maybe that's just what i tell myself when i neglect to close my blinds... ever. Its nice though waking up and finding your room full of sunlight, and nothing inspires more poetic thoughts than say a room full of the glow of city lights, a mattress in heaps, bare skin, and nothing else.

to each his/her own. maybe. I can't really explain why this turns me on, but it does. I suppose when I become a kept man my hot blonde in her middle 60s will want to show off everything she does with her sweet, dream boat catch, of a sexaholic kept man, so i suppose its not really a bad thing that I like "showing off" already. Or maybe it is because after all it is a little perverted.

Maybe its just the knowing that something is considered a little perverted that provides the turn on. Maybe thats how everyone feels about everything sexual. If so then I think im just going to go ahead and keep my blinds open. all the time. and hope my future employer feels the same way.

no flash photography please.

the training continues.

sonny chiba will kick you in the face 12/10/05

Subject : sonny chiba will kick you in the face

Posted Date: : Dec 10, 2005 4:52 PM

so the power company informs me that they will discontinue service to my apartment in 72 hours. aint that a larf! in times of getting screwed up the ass like a 10$ dollar hooker by the massive dong of the power company i really wish sonny chiba a.k.a. the street fighter, were my drinking buddy.



why, you ask?

well if sonny chiba were my drinking buddy and i were discussing this whole situation with Duquense Light Co. with him over a couple of brews he would say: "don't worry, pal. I'll take care of everything." And then he would go out the next morning, because sonny chiba never gets hangovers, and kick everyone at Duquense Light in the FACE! and then he and I and chuck norris would all go out to a bar the next night and celebrate our moral victory over big corporations that spit on us little poor people like so many pebbles beneath their boots of tyranny.

beat off and get some sleep 12/05/05

Subject : beat off and get some sleep

Posted Date: : Dec 5, 2005 2:36 PM

today is one of those days when all i really want to do is beat off and get some sleep... yeah.... thats about it.

i am not anna nicole smith 12/02/05

Subject : I am not anna nicole smith

Posted Date: : Dec 2, 2005 6:37 PM

She is white. I am black. Our similarities pretty much end there. She attempted to make a living with her acting and endless breast enhancements (to the point where she could literally use her tits for extra shelving or a convenient t.v. dinner tray holder or even a nice crevase for catching stray crumbs when eating crunch n munch popcorn while jetting through the l.a. freeways), and only ended up alieniating every living person on the face of the earth except maybe david hasselhoff and a few perverted little kids who had no concept of what a beautiful woman really is anyway. then again david hasselhoff isnt really a person so that leaves like .000000001 percent of the population who could look at her and have thoughts other than murder/divine punishment/"retribution-for-womens-rights-though-i-am-a-die-hard-chauvanist" come to mind.

when she realized she couldnt act and no one was interested in seeing her, naked or clothed, she went gold digging with some dude 63 years her senior who died a year or so after they got hitched. I on the other hand am not banking on anything else except my ability to land that hottie who may or may not happen to be 63 years my senior and even if she did die in the year after i got us hitched and my name in the will it would still be the best damn year she ever had, god damn it! yes, i plan on becoming filthy rich through essentially servicing an older woman, but at least its not a dude, and at least i have her pleasure in mind. when you break it down its like any other job: you put in your time until theyre gone and bam! its time to retire to mutha fuckin rio forever and shag all day and drink all night with a view of one of the most beautiful landscapes on earth.

i mean, consider the alternative: i could work in a nursing home and shag the patients and get nothing out of it but a tiny pay check and union security. now you tell me you wouldnt pick the able bodied old lady with a fat wallet and a horny sand box over that poor bed ridden shmoe who will probably get you fired after your night of illicit passion. hmmmm... tabloid super star > washed up nurses assistant any day if you ask me. anna nicole isnt even a tabloid superstar. She's a pathetic example of excess gone awry and, sadly, very well documented through small distribution media that happens to be tabloidal in nature. she is a failure at life, where as i will be a resounding success because i will set out to do what i have always intended to do instead of pretending to be good at something im not by running around with two extra bald heads grafted to my chest.

$$$$ its all about the benjamins. plus i dont need any enhancing. that shits just shallow in that kind of extreme!

penis float 12/02/05

Subject : penis float

Posted Date: : Dec 2, 2005 6:30 PM

I just noticed today, while sitting in the tub, taking a hot bath after working out, that my penis floats. Isn't that convenient and exciting! So now, when I do eventually find that 60 year old blonde woman (yeah my standards for age limits keep rising, but like mcdonalds special sauce, those hunnies only get richer with age) who plays tennis on the weekends but has vision problems from working at a computer all day for the first 30 years of her adulthood to build her fortune, she will still be able to find my penis with ease when she wants to do it in the tub.

There will be no awkward fishing around and the bobbing part of the bobbing for my apple will be maximized. Physiology 1... impracticality-of-having-sex-in-a-bath-tub 0

breaking into the porn industry 11/24/05

Subject : breaking into the porn industry

Posted Date: : Nov 24, 2005 8:53 PM

how exactly does one become a porn star... as a guy....?

do you have to go find some start up website and audition. do you just mail in head shots or do you mail in head shots and money shots on paper bullseyes with ruler increments so they can assess all aspects of your appeal. do you just have to have a weird uncle no one talks about who lives out in hollywood california and is continually buying things he doesnt need with money he shouldnt have but somehow does? i dunno...

im just curious... its one of those things i suddenly feel i must know. like why the sky is blue. does someone just say hmmm.... i believe my penis is sufficiently large... i need to be a porn star. cuz i mean that is completely subjective. and what about those fat bastards with wee pricks... how the hell do they keep finding there way into my porn movies with decent looking chicks! personally it is offensive. the women get screened and the boys dont? baah! must not pay well... i need to know... i need answers... these are the deep questions my friend... the deep questions that puzzle my brain at night.

remember, kids... 11/24/05

Subject : remember kids... always turn off the lights

Posted Date: : Nov 24, 2005 8:48 PM

yesterday i came within a hairs breadth of killing myself by christmas lights.

i made a very nice ball of christmas lights and hung them for romantic effect over the center of my room. the set up was a little ghetto. I used a wire from my collapsable hamper to make a nicely sprung spherical shape then wrapped the lights around the wire and then wrapped the wire in a corse clothe sheet often used to cover hospital beds, then draped the whole ball of nonsense from the actual light bulbs in the fixture at the center of my cieling.

genius, no? no.

it wasnt bright enough in the room so i turned on the actual light fixture that came with the place. I left and came back to my building 20 minutes later and as soon as I got out of the staircase on my floor it smelled something like someone left a space heater on all day. hot metal. I walk around the corner and come into my room and see that the smell is in here too.

A few hours later im poking around my room because im bored and i see that a piece of the christmas lights leading from the central ball is out. I look closer and see that the entire ring where the ball is tied up to the light fixture is kind of brown.

I untied the ball from the light fixture and on the inside it is charred black. All of the wires have melted and are crossing eachother and shorting eachother out. The paint was beginning to peel and cinder. Had I just gone to bed My cieling probably would have caught fire while I was sleeping... or if i'd stayed out any longer my building couldve burned down.

now i havent had any epiphanies because of this and i will continue to stay out late and do irrational fun things... ill just make sure i turn off the lights before i go. remember kids... before you do anything, be it bang a woman as large as your bed, masterbate to thoughts of your neighbor while at your window, have a naked dance off with your invisible friend, or leave your room because you just ripped ass and it smells like someone died... always always always turn off the lights first!

to shave or not to shave 11/12/05

Subject : to shave or not to shave the testicle

Posted Date: : Nov 12, 2005 5:04 PM

In training myself up for my future career as a kept man the issue of cleanliness will always come up.

A kept man must ask himself how far he is willing to go to land a spot in that special 54 year old jet setting blonde's back pocket. The answer must always be "madame, if you want to do me in the rear a strap on in the can is not going far enough... make it two please" especially when this 54 year old jet setter with a fetish for domination wants to buy a nice new Masserati to keep her little cabana boy entertained when she's not around. So when the time comes to shave the kiwis or not to shave, clearly the only answer must be to cup those puppies and take it slow and easy.

Practice makes perfect, and so with a razor in one hand and some lather in another i practice, because i must! Because it's nice having some cushion down there to reduce chafing of the sack, but it's also nice to have a 54 year old woman with gobs of money who loves your little shaven walnuts so much so that she bankrolls your entire life (as long as she gets to fondle them at her convenience).

The training continues!

contentment 11/10/05

Subject : contentment.

Posted Date: : Nov 10, 2005 11:06 PM

so the outlook is bleak. true.

I still enjoy life. I'm not saying everything sucks bleh! all im saying is that with none of the usual things to really look forward to i just focus on the pleasures i do have... like masterbating. whether i have money or not i can still masterbate to my hearts content... and writing... i can still write whenever i want and im glad that i am a literate mutha fucka. so not having money isnt the end of the world. its just not the beginning of a new one.

and when the day ends and everything is over and done with... i'm okay with that.

everyone and their mama 11/07/05

Subject : everyone and their mama has a six pack

Posted Date: : Nov 7, 2005 10:08 PM

everyone and their mama has a six pack. Yes. Thats right. Absolutely everyone on myspace and their mother has a six pack. If your picture features you with no shirt on while you "floss" your hot six you are essentially saying "this is all i have to offer the rest of the world" please love me. Do you really think your 320 by 480 pixel image of six lumps on your body will make everyone say... "holy shit this dude is awesome, i wish i could be his friend in real life. ill just have to friend him and leave comments as though ive known him since he was born." ... well i guess if you are posting images of your rippling bod this is probably exactly what youre hoping for. confirmation.

So now you know. Your six parcel does not set you apart from the rest of the males. it does not tatoo an alpha on the side of your neck that will suddenly make panties fly down the toned tanned limbs of the honies. in fact everyone has got them. at least everyone who cares. I don;t have one and i dont care. i barely have a four pack and i'll tell you what, its awesome. no maintenance. i eat what i want and drink what i want and enjoy life without the insecurity of narcissism plucking out my eyelashes one by one as i lose sleep wondering if the ho ho i had for lunch is going to coalesce into a gram of fat particles.

instead of pumping iron in the gym with the other roid head protein (shake) guzzlers or beating myself half dead around a track i sit comfortably at home playing video games and shagging my wonderful wonderful lady. who is smoking hot.

earth to slater, a recent poll actually pointed out that more "attractive" women enjoy dating men who look like men. just regular guys. who wear dirty sweatpants, grow beards, and have little egg bellies. i mean, even if someone did go out with you for your sextuplets what is going to happen when they fade away in the deluge of beer, partying, and sedentary bf/gf life? i suppose to someone like you it probably doesnt matter, shallow hal that you are, it's too bad you haven't been beaten upside the head to adjust your view of everyone and everything that may happen to have breasts and a vagina.

oh well. go, mr. six pack picture. go to the gym and to the track and take pictures of yourself with your web cam for myspace when you get back, but don't dally or the sweat may dry off, and we all know how important that lustrous sheen is when dazzling your lesser viewers. in your mind you are god and well, i applaud you, because one day you're going to stare up at the cracked plaster of your bachelor pad with some myspacer slut lieing next to you that you "scored" with (but not really because she was the one who made all the connections and did all the work and will forget about you before the sun comes up while you will reminisce to your home skillets about how you really gave it to her for weeks upon weeks to come) and you will realize she probably did this to the other 9000 "cool dudes" who messaged her after she left comments on their six pack of "hot" abdominal pictures.

Mr. six pack... i salute you! king of the man bimbos.

the only six packs i care about carrying are the ones that come with aluminum tabs and are bound together in plastic ring caddies. =count it!=

a mutual slump

Subject : a mutual slump

Posted Date: : Nov 5, 2005 4:18 PM

I am very tired of not having money. Demoralizing, disheartening, and depressing is what it's like to have no money. You don't care about much of anything and you don't want to work at anything. But you do work, because that is the only way to get out of the slump of negative dollars.

What about life? I have no wealth, no steady state of capital. I have debt. gobs upon gobs of debt that only work will erase. I tell myself that I am tired of being poor, of being on the higher end of the have nots. I tell myself that my kids are going to have everything that I don't have, but that isn't true. It's just a wish. This is not an emo rant, this is just letting off some of the pressure that stacks up over the years when it becomes more and more clear that you are very likely not going to be "successful, grounded, rich, dateable, married, healthy, a grand parent, a good father, provider, on top, stable." The world isn't out to get me. It also is not out to make amends or make things better either.

Don't tell me life isn't bleak and then tell me I have no way to advance myself upward through the class ranks because its just who I've grown to be. You're lieing to yourself if you think everyone gets a fair crack at anything. Life doesn't suck all the time for anyone, but that does not mean life doesnt suck alot of the time for someone.

Difficult days. Not enough is going to change by the time I graduate and not enough minds will change about who I am, how I work, what I know, and what I believe to make a difference in the paths that have been laid out today. Life is like a box of slant rhymes. Or maybe its like a bowl of soup and some people get silver spoons while other people get stirring rods.

What is there to look forward to? The "mutual slump of body and soul"? New beginnings; don't get too excited about those. they always start right where you left off. There is one thing to look forward to and that is consistency.

They may not leave you, but if they do it'll be for similar reasons.

You'll work hard and it won't count for anything much.

No one will give you anything you haven't earned or won't pay for later.

You will always be the best company you'll know.

Beer will always taste like beer, weed will always get you high, and money will always feel like eels in your back pocket, foreign, uncomfortable, and itching to slip away.

stupider than paris hilton

Subject : stupider than paris hilton

Posted Date: : Oct 26, 2005 11:27 PM

i am stupider than paris hilton. this dawned on me today when it occured to me that all of her less savory and reprehensible exploits are actually marketing moves under the guise of being a jetsetting bimbo slut face with too much money and no one to do. In comparison all of my stupidness is actually just me being stupid. I am unmarketable as a human being. At least on the surface i am unmarketable as the lap dog I intend to be.

I suppose if i am going to continue to pursue my career as a kept man i will have to change the targeted bracket of ditzy older women looking for a neat and tidy lap dog papyone. i think my new target will be the prim and prude on the surface older woman looking for the refined but otherwise rough finished husky pinscher mixed breed that chases the mailman, mauls exboyfriends, and over confident yuppies at her cocktail parties and tears up her slippers when she leaves him at home all alone.

that said, i would also like to point at an example of my stupid behavior involving a small friendly scuffle that ended up leaving me with 7 stitches and a scar on my head. damnit! there go my chances of modeling in the upcoming cmu fag pageant. ah well. this move was stupid and did not land me on the cover of tabloids to put my clothing label in the limelight or direct people to watch my new series on mtv to see if i really act this way all the time. i suppose however that it did further my end goal of being a slightly gristled kept man with a swagger that leaves everyday pool boys peeing their little pants and double life bdsm 50+ y/o women wetting their little panties.

nevertheless i still feel more stupid than paris hilton. and that is one dumb bitch. i need a marketing staff on my side to spin my life into a staple of pop culter and give me cool things to say and then patent/trade mark them into icons that appear in trend riding television shows, commercials, and sex ads. FUCK how will i ever make it into mtv's "hot brat bastards of the week" when i keep shooting myself in the face? guess ill have to settle for a spot on vh1s "awesomely unsuccessful but still okay to mention nostalgically" list with the likes of 4 non blondes and the spin doctors.

e is for ass hats

Subject : e is for ass hats!

Posted Date: : Oct 13, 2005 1:03 PM

so i have recently found myself crawling through myspace only to stumble upon the emo pinings of some sad dreg of emo space. i suspect he sucked his way across the sub ether of webspace and found an audience on myspace. why this happens is amazing to me. well not amazing but more like befuddling.

what the fuck is so attractive about some poor gent who is convinced all he wants is to be alone AND wanted!!! what the hell does that mean! i defy you to tell me what it means when someone says they want to be a shadow and at the same time keep whining that no one cares about who they really are. fuck them. who they really are obviously must suck since they don't even want to be who they are. it makes no sense.

and on top of all of this is the poetry. as a poet i have written and cried over my own weepy pathetic work through high school but god damn it you emo slut face ASS HATS... why don't you evolve. move on. alright dont want to evolve becasue bitching is what you're good at? fine. dont move on. but at least GET BETTER AT WHAT IT IS YOU FEEL DRIVEN TO DO. which is spilling your little guts at the drop of a hat to all the wet shouldered women who find it attractive. you sorry man slut. I am shamed (or at least the poet in me) every time you put fingers to keyboard because all you write is the same garbage over and over and over... and if not that then you are stealing some reputable artists work and construing it to fit the molds of your DRIVEL.

i hate most of you because you have no style. i hate some of you because you can't fucking write to save your "worhtless, misunderstood" lives. and the rest of the ones i hate because people actually buy your crap day after day after "pathetic-suicide-contemplating-quivering-beneath-the-cold-blanket-of-death-taking-your-never-ending-last-breath-but-refusing-to-die-for-the-benefit-of-the-rest-of-the-world-because-its-how-you-fight-the-quote-unquote-unbearable-lightness-of-being-(a-douchebag)"day.

for the love of god SHUT THE FUCK UP for once... or are you afraid you'll lose your little fan club of sympathetic robots who think they understand but never really can (which makes you better than them right?). argh.

singed penis

Subject : singed penis

Posted Date: : Aug 15, 2005 12:30 AM

my training has been seriously set back while using my laptop for an extended period of time to view non pornographic material. to keep the long story short i will simply tell you what happend. i singed my penis with my hard drive. rehab will be a long hard road... featuring no masterbating whatsoever for at least a day... well maybe just 12 hours...

anywho... the moral of the story is when you buy a laptop and scoff at the heat warnings, dont be a fool! heed the wisdom of the handbook written after what was likely tested on some other poor bastard who singed his penis to save yours from subsequent damage. also dont lick open can lids. i did that yesterday because i am a fuckin idiot. there had to have been three hundred times more tomato soup in the can when compared to what was on the lid and i still got greedy and licked it anyway. hmmm.... idiocy. ah well, every day's a journey... or so im told...

i miss my woman too. and my tummy hurts... while im at ill just whine about everyt... nevermind. i read whiney blogs all the time and they make me want to eat my own vomitus to take my mind off of the anurism inducing bitching.

life is good god damn so fucking smile why dont you!