Mistakes

You can't let mistakes own you.  There's only so far you can go taking ownership of mistakes that aren't yours to claim.  It's not a witticism.  It's just fact.  At some point you have to stop apologizing and start carrying on and following through and it's so god damn easy to become enraptured in apologetics and turn it into a self sustaining art, but the sustentation of a self through apologetics is about as useful as... all of those words are too big for the facts.  Missing the points.

I was a mistake.  Hatched from a long train of mistakes.  Raised on a book of mistakes. And there has not been or ever will be an apology.  I stopped waiting for one a long time ago.  The thing is, I just have to stop wanting one.  It's hard to do, when you're muscle memory keeps running.  When your boss talks to you and you almost piss your pants thinking he might hit you and you'll take it because that's all you knew growing up.  But you cannot hurt me anymore.  I am not responsible for the equipment I have to work with.  I will see you dead someday.  We'll call it even when that day comes.

I'm done apologizing for my psychological make up.  I am, apparently, as God told my parents to make me.  And apparently it ain't so good.  For the last two years I've been working on undoing all of the bullshit.  I'll get there.  I'm done being sorry.  I just want to be free.


///The Five Corners Quintet - "This Could Be the Start of Something Big"