dear (______):

Dear Miracle Whip,

You're that girl from high school who wore tiny shirts who turned out to be an awful person if you knew anything about her who also chaired the yearbook committee and filled the pages with one hundred photos of her personal fan club with a few token shots of pep rallies sprinkled in.

I will continue to draw mustaches on your face whenever and wherever your ads appear in print.

You're a bad person. And not the good kind of bad person that makes life a little more interesting for everyone else. You're just not good at all.