dear (______):

Your grape soda only cost me 67 cents for a two liter bottle. I do understand that a price that low is an absolute steal, but what you may have missed is that the whole object of stealing is to get something that is highly desirable without paying a price that reflects that desirability. As a black person I am telling you that your grape soda is the worst grape soda that has touched my taste buds in recent memory. It is the bargain basement ice beer of soda. The kind of soda that leaves you with a sugar hangover while you're drinking it. Please do better.

yours,

A concerned citizen