faulty 12/28/06

Subject : faulty
Posted Date: : Dec 28, 2006 8:23 AM

alright... it has recently occured to me that the answer to "what gives?" could be and probably is me. j.s. pointed out to me something that i completely overlooked and that's the possibility that the responses i think i get that are negative are actually simply nuetral. for some reason i always expect people to feel either positively or negatively toward something. its a worldview my dad has... i guess ive adopted some of it. funny how things seep into your brain like that.

i thought it was just shades and that there really is no real nuetral. at least with myself i know that i really dont have a nuetral. at least i like to think that i dont. i dont feel nuetral toward anything or anyone, i either feel good about them or it or i feel bad about them or it. there are mixes but there is never a perfect mix that balances out to nothing. i find the thought appalling somehow that someone could feel nothing toward a person... maybe an it would be okay, but a person?!?! gross.

so i may very well have been misqueing myself all along. it could be that people that i feel should feel (hahaha "feel should feel". words are awesome, anyway) people that i feel should feel at least something positive towards me dont feel anything at all. i dont bother them or make them angry or upbraid them so they're actually inclined to feel nothing; in part because im not a threat to them, but also in part because they just dont consider me - at all. i simply fall into the category of a nonfactor. its not depressing. i always said you can't be friends with everyone. im also the one who seems to have forgotten that.

the experiment is cancelled.

and yes... go fuck yourselves.